• Announcements

    • LatoyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LatoyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

The MAIN cause of family rifts - Is the verdict in?

151 posts in this topic

13 minutes ago, skipped said:

Sure.  I could see her resenting it. I agree that  it would be damaging to a marriage if a spouse allows his parents to mistreat his wife.  I don't know why he would allow that unless 1) he doesn't see it the same way as his wife. (ie it isn't mistreatment- she is BECing or not legit period or she is overblowing the situation) or 2) he really does put his parents before his wife,   I personally find #2 hard to believe unless they are having other marital issues  or he has some mental illness issues.  If #1 is the reason- as we say here get him on the same page.  If #2 is the reason- counseling or divorce.

If I renegotiated and made my husband go back to work, he' probably resent it.  He doesn't need the same amount of security that I do.  He'd say you like to work- I do like to work I just don't want to HAVE to work.  His POV is as valid as mine.  That's the problem with compromises.  neither party completely gets what they want.

Here's the thing: when you grow up with abusive parents, you don't KNOW it's not normal. You're used to it as being ok, that's just how it is, normal. So, chances are, he WOULDN'T see it the way his wife does, b/c to him, it's status quo. Doesn't make it any less abusive, or something the wife is to blame for.

And, sadly, many ppl, husband or wife, have struggles with 'leave and cleave'. It doesn't mean that there are problems in the marriage that cause it, but it will certainly cause problems in a marriage if someone is more firmly in the role of being a good son/daughter than being a good husband/wife/parent.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, skipped said:

Sure.  I could see her resenting it. I agree that  it would be damaging to a marriage if a spouse allows his parents to mistreat his wife.  I don't know why he would allow that unless 1) he doesn't see it the same way as his wife. (ie it isn't mistreatment- she is BECing or not legit period or she is overblowing the situation) or 2) he really does put his parents before his wife,   I personally find #2 hard to believe unless they are having other marital issues  or he has some mental illness issues.  If #1 is the reason- as we say here get him on the same page.  If #2 is the reason- counseling or divorce.

If I renegotiated and made my husband go back to work, he' probably resent it.  He doesn't need the same amount of security that I do.  He'd say you like to work- I do like to work I just don't want to HAVE to work.  His POV is as valid as mine.  That's the problem with compromises.  neither party completely gets what they want.

Because sometimes people don't realize something is mistreatment until someone else stands up and says not cool. My mom's family has passive aggressive tendencies. I was raised that way. I used to do that to DH early on in the relationship. He pointed it out to me. Stood up and said not ok. I realized what I was doing was wrong, and stopped doing it, and stopped allowing my mom to do it to me. My relationship with my mom got to a much better, healthier place because of it. DH never experienced it from her, because I laid the boundaries. I have never had the good fortune of him doing the same for me. 

My MIL is all kinds of PA. DH knows it, and has said so several times. But in his family, he was raised to protect MILs feelings at all costs. She's too ''fragile" for any kind of upset. So even though logical DH knows what she's doing is not ok, he'd much rather ask me to sweep it under the rug than put up the hysteria that follows if he stands up to her. He would rather lie to her face than tell her the truth and have to deal with her. Given the choice to hurt my feelings or hers, he'd pick mine every time and expect me to just be cool with it. This was one of the things that we discussed when we had our long talk about going forward with MIL. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, NewMama said:

I think it gets compounded for me for a few reasons. One being the fact that I went through the flip of it two years prior with her when her SO died. I bent over backwards to accommodate her and DH, attend the funeral etc. And when it came around to this, I don't even register as deserving an "I'm sorry." She also pushed DH hard that my kids don't understand etc, meanwhile ODS was devastated, crying every night and not sleeping.  It made me angry that in the middle of everything, I'm having to advocate for my child to my own husband that he was having a hard time - every time I heard "well mom said..." I wanted to scream. And I think secondly, it was the card I did get from her saying she forgot about the funeral, and she hopes I'm not mad at her and I could I make her feel better about it etc. It makes me so angry that she thinks it was ok to demand that of me during this horrible, traumatic event for me and my family. I suspected at the time the forgetting was a lie, and DH confirmed that it was. She made a conscious decision to not attend. 

So the whole thing just kind of became a 'done' point for me. I don't think there's any level of going back from it. Even with an apology, even if she acknowledged it now. I need to find a way to deal with her after a good long break that we all can deal with.   

It sounds much worse for you because of your DH's behavior. If his mother can talk to him and tell him stuff but she can't be decent enough to tell you "I'm sorry for your loss"? And who sends a card saying I forgot? She sounds stupid as well as selfish.

 

2 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

Your DIL was rotten to do as she did. It doesn't cost a dime to say, "I'm sorry."

Did she sign a card, or flowers, *anything* that she also put her name on w/your ds?

I don't go to funerals, myself, usually b/c I'd be at home w/the kids, and send Wolf to express condolences on both our parts. Neither of us believe young children and funerals are a good mix, so I'd absolutely make a call, sign a card, etc.

Nope, no card, call, text. She may have said something to DS but if so it didn't get passed on to me.

 

Skipped, I have the same problem with compromises, no one seems to be happy with what they get. It seems to work better if one gets their way one time and the other the next as long as one doesn't get their wishes at the expense of the other.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Imp,

 \I would think that the chances of a husband being raised by an abusive family are equal to those of his wife.  Unless you know something I don't and only men are raised in abusive families.  Just saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had to work through disappointment I had for the years I had to experience DH's parents and some resentment I had against DH for not setting better boundaries.   I had to also work through forgiving myself for allowing his parents to steam roll me in my home and meddle into our lives and our parenting, etc.  My situation is a bit different, because my MIL came clean about what she thought about DH and me.  She expressed more resentment towards DH than she did me, and her words were more nasty towards DH then me.  However, I did not have the connection to her that DH had, or any good years with her, so her words were relationship ending words for me, whereas DH still sees her (in her very ill state). 

I don't think DH has resentment towards me over my decision to not continue a relationship with my IL's.  How could he when my MIL admitted to being an interloper; referred to me as DH's girlfriend, predicted we would divorce; and said we were crappy parents.   

Also, our marriage is better with my IL's out of my home and life, and if I am being honest, I doubt I am missed much by my IL's so it is a win-win!

 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I disagree that all people who are raised in abusive environments think abuse is normal- 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

DH's parents used to spark nasty arguments out of nothing that turned into raging screaming matches. I wasn't around for any of that so never saw it in action. Yet to hear MIL talk, they never fought and just idolized each other. DH knew that wasn't the way to live in a marriage, yet early in our relationship he's spark something stupid and try to escalate. I grew up in a house where my parents didn't raise their voices at each other....ever. I know they disagreed from time to time, but resolved it without rattling the windows. DH's outbursts were like a foreign language to me and I can raise my voice with the best of them...To his credit, the minute I brought it to his attention he stopped the behavior cold. 

The patterns of abuse are insidious. You think its normal until you see that it isn't. The lightbulb moment is different for everyone. DsD has the worst taste in men ever...she picks them based on their 'broken-ness'. Her plan was to 'fix' them so they want to stay with her. Her mom was emotionally abusive by swooping in then ignoring, so DsD felt abandoned, and she was. 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, skipped said:

Sure.  I could see her resenting it. I agree that  it would be damaging to a marriage if a spouse allows his parents to mistreat his wife.  I don't know why he would allow that unless 1) he doesn't see it the same way as his wife. (ie it isn't mistreatment- she is BECing or not legit period or she is overblowing the situation... or he doesn't recognize emotional abuse or doesn't understand that not everyone can brush it under the rug the way he does, etc...) or 2) he really does put his parents before his wife,   I personally find #2 hard to believe unless they are having other marital issues  or he has some mental illness issues.  If #1 is the reason- as we say here get him on the same page.  If #2 is the reason- counseling or divorce.

If I renegotiated and made my husband go back to work, he' probably resent it.  He doesn't need the same amount of security that I do.  He'd say you like to work- I do like to work I just don't want to HAVE to work.  His POV is as valid as mine.  That's the problem with compromises.  neither party completely gets what they want.

True, IMO. Very true. But usually each one gets part of what they want in a compromise (i.e. DIL gets some space from MIL while DH keeps getting to see his mom). Obviously, your DH got something that he wanted when he decided to become self-employed. But I'm not sure what you got that you wanted out of the situation.

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, skipped said:

Imp,

 \I would think that the chances of a husband being raised by an abusive family are equal to those of his wife.  Unless you know something I don't and only men are raised in abusive families.  Just saying.

Of course not. You were speaking of husbands, so I answered in that vein. Abuse knows no gender, socio-economic standing, religion, race, geographic location.

2 hours ago, Komorebi said:

I disagree that all people who are raised in abusive environments think abuse is normal- 

All people? No. However, do they have to learn, at some point that it's wrong? Yes, I would say so. If it's all you know, it's all you know. It's normal.

Physical abuse is easier to suss out as wrong, although I've heard some folks defend it. "I got whalloped with a belt, and I turned out ok!"

Mental abuse? Verbal abuse? That's much, much harder to define. Mom flies off the handle, screaming and cursing, and calling names, tearing her children verbally to shreds, reducing them to tears? Well gee, I've heard *adults* say, "That's how she is, she'll get over it, just ignore it." Using guilt trips and manipulation to get what you want? Is that abusive? A character flaw? How about a parent that accesses the child's bank/college account and spends it on whatever? How about demanding a teen turn their pay over to their parents, and never giving it back? Financial abuse? 

There's a whole lot of seeming 'grey area' when it comes to non physical abuse. And sometimes, denial is more comfortable than admitting to it.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

Of course not. You were speaking of husbands, so I answered in that vein. Abuse knows no gender, socio-economic standing, religion, race, geographic location.

All people? No. However, do they have to learn, at some point that it's wrong? Yes, I would say so. If it's all you know, it's all you know. It's normal.

Physical abuse is easier to suss out as wrong, although I've heard some folks defend it. "I got whalloped with a belt, and I turned out ok!"

Mental abuse? Verbal abuse? That's much, much harder to define. Mom flies off the handle, screaming and cursing, and calling names, tearing her children verbally to shreds, reducing them to tears? Well gee, I've heard *adults* say, "That's how she is, she'll get over it, just ignore it." Using guilt trips and manipulation to get what you want? Is that abusive? A character flaw? How about a parent that accesses the child's bank/college account and spends it on whatever? How about demanding a teen turn their pay over to their parents, and never giving it back? Financial abuse? 

There's a whole lot of seeming 'grey area' when it comes to non physical abuse. And sometimes, denial is more comfortable than admitting to it.

I don't know that everyone considers abuse normal until they don't consider it normal- Why must they first consider it normal? Why can they not realize from the onset that being abused isn't normal? Even the smallest child's response to abuse can reflect that they realize it isn't right or normal-

Edited by Komorebi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

I don't know that everyone considers abuse normal until they don't consider it normal- Why must they first consider it normal? Why can they not realize from the onset that being abused isn't normal? Even the smallest child's response to abuse can reflect that they realize it isn't right or normal-

Hmmm... There's a difference, I think, between not liking something, feeling "it isn't right" and realizing "it isn't... normal." I can see where a kid growing up w abuse wouldn't like it. I can see where they might even decide on their own that it isn't right. But how would they know it isn't "normal"/that the average parent doesn't treat their kids that way? Some might just have a gut-level feeling about it, I suppose. But I doubt many know early on. Especially if it's emotional abuse. Some may figure out that it isn't normal earlier than others, I guess. But realizing it "from the onset?" Maybe, but it would surprise me.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
26 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

I don't know that everyone considers abuse normal until they don't consider it normal- Why must they first consider it normal? Why can they not realize from the onset that being abused isn't normal? Even the smallest child's response to abuse can reflect that they realize it isn't right or normal-

How would a child born into an abusive family, know it's abnormal unless/until they see other families that aren't? And the bigger thing? How does the child learn that it's NOT their fault? Abused children often truly believe it when their parents blame them for being abused. "If I was a good girl, Mommy wouldn't hurt me. I have to be a good girl." You're seeming to overlook that there's a huge amount of psychological programming that goes into child abuse. Children first learn of the world as taught by their parents. Young children believe their parents are infallible. There's a whole whack of damage abusive parents can do, long before a child's 5th birthday, that has lasting impact.

Parents teach their children what is normal. It's not until the child is interacting with others that they might start to click that things aren't normal. B/c there's nothing else to compare it to.

A child born into a cult isn't going to know it's a cult. It's normal for them.

Abusive families are very much like mini cults.

If a child is born into an exclusively French speaking family, in a French speaking community, only exposed to French language media, the idea that other people speak English wouldn't be a blip on your radar until you stumbled across it.

If you're born into an abusive family, you don't realize it's not normal until you stumble across others who aren't abusive.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Imp,

How old do you think you were before you realized there were people on this earth that speak more than English.  I was probably in grade school.

I think you realize quite early in life unless you aren't allowed to have friends or go to school that not everyone is raised the same.  "But Susie gets to"

I think though that while an abused person might realize it's not right, it permeates who they are. 

But again, men aren't the only people that are abused so there's a 50 50 chance that it's the wife's abuse that is altering her perception of her ILs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think we need to distinguish between the words "right" and 'normal" here. Clearly, not everything that's "normal" in families - as in, "all parents/families do it" - is seen as "right" by everybody.  IMO. For example, spanking a child who does something "naughty" has been "normal" in most communities, to my knowledge, throughout the centuries. Yet, over time, more and more people have come to believe it's "not right." Isn't it possible that a kid might think something is "wrong"  but still think it's "normal" for most people?

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Komorebi said:

I don't know that everyone considers abuse normal until they don't consider it normal- Why must they first consider it normal? Why can they not realize from the onset that being abused isn't normal? Even the smallest child's response to abuse can reflect that they realize it isn't right or normal-

I read "Toxic Parents" some time ago. (Not for my own personal issues; my parents are pretty good, as are MIL and SFIL. FIL is now CO.) The author explained that sometimes it's hard for people to acknowledge the abuse because as a child, our whole sense of security and safety is tied into believing that our parents are doing a good job looking out for us. When you examine Maslow's hierarchy of needs, safety and security needs are at the bottom, literally just above food, water, and shelter. For a child to admit that abuse is wrong is literally for them to admit that the people who were supposed to be ensuring their safety weren't really doing their job, and that they were never really safe in the first place.

Believe me, I have witnessed this first hand. FIL, as I mentioned, is CO. (Hubby's choice, not mine. I agree with him, though.) FIL insists that his father was a great man and that he misses him a lot. GFIL took advantage of FIL for years. *Trigger* GFIL sexually molested his own daughter over the course of a number of years. *End Trigger* FIL just says, "Well, I never saw that side of him." We do know that GFIL was extremely emotionally abusive and to an extent physically abusive as well (he used to spank the kids with his army belt). FIL also has narcissistic tendencies. Thankfully, GFIL is no longer living and had passed away when Hubby was a teenager. If he were still alive, we would NOT be going to see him.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How much of the differences in what one person constitute normal is abuse and how much of it is just being raised differently.

I don't think a person has to be abused to have a different sense of normal than their husband/. wife/ IL.  Everyone is raised different.  I look at my 2 DILs (one is a DIL to be), I don't know the specifics on how they were raised but even on the surface they were raised differently that mine were.  DIL #1s family is extremely close knit but they are constantly fueding.  It doesn't take much to make one of them mad and if they are mad they let you know.  You can go to their house and cut the tension with a knife.  They still engage one another if they are mad. ETA-Fortunately though they don't seem to hold grudges.  We are not as close.  We tend to simmer and not complain,  If we were mad we would stay away.  DIL#1's dad works in a factory and her mother is a trucking dispatcher.    The whole family is involved in raising the kids.  They go to all their events, are the babysitters, help financially. But, Her mother has a lot of opinions and so does the aunt.  They aren't shy in pushing them, even at times overriding the mother.  This is not normal to me. 

I don't know DIL #2 family situation very well.  I haven't been around them much.  I know that socioeconomically they have a yacht, the mother stays at home, dad is a doctor, they go out to eat every single night, think it's normal to buy boxes to move (I get them from the grocery store), buy 2 entres at dinner if they decide they don't like the first one, and the Dad and one brother are completely cut off from each other.  Dad goes to "visit" my son and DIL to be a spends the day golfing.  They are very ambitious, are constantly moving.  The oldest child is almost 40 and none of the 5 kids are married.  None of this is normal to me.

My son is not ambitious and hates to move- he gets that from me.  Am I wrong?

My husband and I were raised in much more similar circumstances.  I don't think there was as much discrepancy in what is normal.

Edited by skipped

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, BSW said:

our marriage is better with my IL's out of my home and life, and if I am being honest, I doubt I am missed much by my IL's so it is a win-win!

I'd say the bolded about sums it all up. I don't know many people who actually care if the ILs are in their lives. Usually parents of AC, in my experience, only care about their kids and grandkids staying in contact and are rather ambivalent about the ACIL. This is, however, only my opinion and experience with my somewhat larger family ;) itself a wonky group study in relationships.  

ETA: Naturally everyones mileage varies.

Edited by JanelleK
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When you get married, there's a degree of blending in each other's normal and trying to figure out what the new couples normal is. Sometimes they might keep some familial normals for them and make new ones. It doesn't mean one is necessarily right and one is necessarily wrong. And sometimes in that process someone might say "I'm not ok with that normal" and figure out how to deal with it together as a couple. 

My DH doesn't love my dad's FOO. They are just different kinds of people. No one is intrusive or disrespectful in either direction. They're just not DH's cup of tea. Their quirks don't bother me, but that doesn't mean I don't understand that they're just not DH's kind of people. I always give him an out if I'm visiting them. Neither is right or wrong, but forcing them on each other won't do anyone any favours.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

Mental abuse? Verbal abuse? That's much, much harder to define. Mom flies off the handle, screaming and cursing, and calling names, tearing her children verbally to shreds, reducing them to tears? Well gee, I've heard *adults* say, "That's how she is, she'll get over it, just ignore it." Using guilt trips and manipulation to get what you want? Is that abusive? A character flaw? How about a parent that accesses the child's bank/college account and spends it on whatever? How about demanding a teen turn their pay over to their parents, and never giving it back? Financial abuse? 

There's a whole lot of seeming 'grey area' when it comes to non physical abuse. And sometimes, denial is more comfortable than admitting to it.

I agree with this.  Often times the abuser is a gifted manipulator or gaslighter, and although you have evidence when you add it up that looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you don't have the one 'smoking gun' piece that clearly tells you, yup, it's a duck. 

In the case of my MIL, for years she did many things that suggested her intentions were not good, which I had no concrete proof of until she lost the ability to check herself and the truth came out that with purpose and intent, she acted in such a way as to gain DH's complete loyalty during our marriage as she resented that he left her when we married.  For instance, Why did she only speak her native language when DH was in the room with me, although she knew perfect English? Why did I routinely catch her looking me up and down when I was in a room with her?  Why did she sleep in our bed when I told her not to?  Why did she rearrange our home when she was in it to suit her taste?, Why did I regularly smell a scent from her home in DH's tshirt/underwear drawer?  Why did she continue to insist on telling DH to never forget that he was her best friend?  Why did she (and FIL) plant her favorite flowers in our front yard?  Why did she routinely talk about her collapsed vaginal wall to DH?  Why did she create ridiculous scenarios involving my home or the parenting of my kids in which DH had to choose, such as when she ordered DH to get rid of our pet rats because he knew she didn't like them?   Why did she sit there with a smile on her face when her ******* sister and niece/nephew behaved rudely towards me?  Why did I wake up in the middle of the night with an ongoing fear that my kids were effed if something happened to me because MIL would assume my role?  Why was there such excitement in DH's family when a rumor started that our marriage was in trouble?   Why did she create such a stink when DH had to support me following the death of my ODB instead of spend time with her?  Why did my intuition so strongly tell me that she was no good and to get her out of my home and life? 

I got my answers to why, which allowed me to put all of this together, name it, and take concrete action going forward, without wandering if I was perhaps looking at this wrong or misinterpreting this which happens so often in these situations - second guessing or rationalizing it or listening to your DH dismiss it, etc while then paying attention to your gut and intuition. 

Also, as to abuse, it can be so normalized that it isn't even questioned in a family.  Do you think it is normal for a 45 yr old man to cuddle up with his mom at night in her bed?  Do you think it is normal for a 45 yr old man to call his mommy his best friend and refer to her as a "Fox" or a "babe"?   Do you think it is normal for a 45 yr old man to give his mom full body massages?   Do you think it is normal for a 45 yr old man to live with his mommy and dad and sleep with 100's of women as he tries to find a lady just like his mommy?   My BIL is this man.  None of this is normal to me!

5 hours ago, JanelleK said:

I'd say the bolded about sums it all up. I don't know many people who actually care if the ILs are in their lives. Usually parents of AC, in my experience, only care about their kids and grandkids staying in contact and are rather ambivalent about the ACIL. This is, however, only my opinion and experience with my somewhat larger family ;) itself a wonky group study in relationships.  

ETA: Naturally everyones mileage varies.

 Thank you for stating this - as this has been my experience as well.

Edited by RoseRed135
guideline e
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, NewMama said:

When you get married, there's a degree of blending in each other's normal and trying to figure out what the new couples normal is. Sometimes they might keep some familial normals for them and make new ones. It doesn't mean one is necessarily right and one is necessarily wrong. And sometimes in that process someone might say "I'm not ok with that normal" and figure out how to deal with it together as a couple. 

My DH doesn't love my dad's FOO. They are just different kinds of people. No one is intrusive or disrespectful in either direction. They're just not DH's cup of tea. Their quirks don't bother me, but that doesn't mean I don't understand that they're just not DH's kind of people. I always give him an out if I'm visiting them. Neither is right or wrong, but forcing them on each other won't do anyone any favours.

The bolded, all day long.

I wonder how many inlaw issues would've never become a big deal if folks abandoned the mindset of, "When you marry someone, you marry their family!" and simply allowed things to build (or not) gradually, instead of a forced proximity and assumptions/expectations of what an inlaw relationship should be.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, NewMama said:

When you get married, there's a degree of blending in each other's normal and trying to figure out what the new couples normal is. Sometimes they might keep some familial normals for them and make new ones. It doesn't mean one is necessarily right and one is necessarily wrong. And sometimes in that process someone might say "I'm not ok with that normal" and figure out how to deal with it together as a couple. 

My DH doesn't love my dad's FOO. They are just different kinds of people. No one is intrusive or disrespectful in either direction. They're just not DH's cup of tea. Their quirks don't bother me, but that doesn't mean I don't understand that they're just not DH's kind of people. I always give him an out if I'm visiting them. Neither is right or wrong, but forcing them on each other won't do anyone any favours.

I don't know how to explain this any better- To me it's like my example of liking to work vs having to work.

I know my mother gets on my husbands nerves, I don't push him going there either.  But if I had a sense that he disliked her and I had to hear about her many faults, to the point where he was avoiding her so much that it was effecting my relationship with her, there would be at least some resentment.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, skipped said:

I don't know how to explain this any better- To me it's like my example of liking to work vs having to work.

I know my mother gets on my husbands nerves, I don't push him going there either.  But if I had a sense that he disliked her and I had to hear about her many faults, to the point where he was avoiding her so much that it was effecting my relationship with her, there would be at least some resentment.

Why?

Genuine question, no snark. Why is there an expectation that a spouse will willingly spend time w/inlaws? I don't get the 'matched set' insistence.

As long as you see your mother, why does it matter if your dh ever does? I can understand not wanting to hear constant negativity (although I do think if that's the case, some therapy might be an idea to have a safe place to discuss things, and also help sort out if there's validity to the complaints if an AC can't decide that on their own, and how to navigate things w/their spouse) but I don't see why a spouse's unwillingness to spend time w/their PIL should be cause for resentment...but I've never agreed w/the idea that you marry someone's family when you marry them, so that may be where my lack of understanding stems from.

Not everyone is going to like everyone. Not everyone is going to enjoy someone's company. Seems that forced proximity could also be a huge resentment breeding ground.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, skipped said:

I don't know how to explain this any better- To me it's like my example of liking to work vs having to work.

I know my mother gets on my husbands nerves, I don't push him going there either.  But if I had a sense that he disliked her and I had to hear about her many faults, to the point where he was avoiding her so much that it was effecting my relationship with her, there would be at least some resentment.

And you're assuming a few things there - a spouse is automatically complaining all the time, they are restricting how much the spouse can see their parents and it will automatically upset someone to hear that their spouse doesn't like parents.

My DH sees MIL just as much as he always has, even since before we got married. 4-6 weeks. I have spoken up about her behaviour a handful of times. We've been together for 15 years. 

The irony to that is if my DH would help me handle her garbage, I'd be much more inclined to actually be around her. But by continually doing what he's done, which is attempt to rug sweep it, it drives me further away from her because I have no back up. 

I don't care that DH doesn't like my dad's FOO. They're just different. I don't impede DH seeing his mom, he doesn't impede me seeing Dad's FOO. I don't expect him to have a close relationship with them, but he and MIL have been trying to force me into a close relationship with her. 

If you forced your DH to spend a lot of time around your mother, don't you think he'd start to resent you too?

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fist of all I don't think my mother is toxic.  Annoying Yes.  Toxic no.  "Not your cup of tea" is not a reason to INSIST on not going to someone's house.  Avoiding OK.  Insisting No.  If your dads FOO had a big 90th BD party for your GGM would you honestly be OK with him flat out refusing to go??? 

I don't want to force him.  I get it.  No one likes being forced.  But I don't think you realize that you are restricting your husbands visitation.  No matter how you say you are not,  He now HAS to work around you.   ..  We did have a fight about a year ago.  My mother needed a tree cut down,  We are the only ones with a saw.   He didn't want to do it.  In the midst of the fight he said she's not my mother.  I was really mad because there are lots of things I do for him and that this is something he was doing for me that just happened to involve my mother.  I take care of her house and her yard.  That tree is my responsibility.   Later he said he meant he would do it but in his time frame not mine.  That's not what he said but OK.  Last week I said something about cutting down a tree sometime and he actually volunteered to do it.  We did it last week.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, skipped said:

Fist of all I don't think my mother is toxic.  Annoying Yes.  Toxic no.  "Not your cup of tea" is not a reason to INSIST on not going to someone's house.  Avoiding OK.  Insisting No.  If your dads FOO had a big 90th BD party for your GGM would you honestly be OK with him flat out refusing to go??? 

I don't want to force him.  I get it.  No one likes being forced.  But I don't think you realize that you are restricting your husbands visitation.  No matter how you say you are not,  He now HAS to work around you.   ..  We did have a fight about a year ago.  My mother needed a tree cut down,  We are the only ones with a saw.   He didn't want to do it.  In the midst of the fight he said she's not my mother.  I was really mad because there are lots of things I do for him and that this is something he was doing for me that just happened to involve my mother.  I take care of her house and her yard.  That tree is my responsibility.   Later he said he meant he would do it but in his time frame not mine.  That's not what he said but OK.  Last week I said something about cutting down a tree sometime and he actually volunteered to do it.  We did it last week.

 

I'm not New Mama, but yes, I'd be ok with my spouse not wanting to go to a birthday party. He has the right to not want to spend time w/someone who he dislikes. I respect his autonomy. Just b/c I'm related to/like someone doesn't mean he has to.

I'm not a fan of making my spouse miserable if it can be avoided. Not forcing him to attend social events comes under that heading, b/c there's not a social event I can think of that's 'mandatory'. I wouldn't enjoy attending a party if I knew my husband was suffering through it.

Edited by ImpishMom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now