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RoseRed135

Passive Agression

129 posts in this topic

7 hours ago, pearlj said:

 In the last year since she had a baby ....

I adore my granddaughter but I sadly have to accept that I will not be given the same opportunity to nurture a nana/grandaughter realtionship  that the other nana gets but I can still be there for my granddaughter in other ways. 

Really? I hope I say this correctly, because I don't mean it rude or unkind.

The baby is around a year old? How often do you expect to see a new baby?

We have 18 GC and 2 on the way. I can't remember seeing the babies much other than 5 minutes in the hospital, maybe some tiny visit when they were 1-3 months old, Their Baptism, and an hour or so between nap/nursing at major Holidays. Maybe 10-12 hours their first years. We have 2 baby GC born last summer, I can't think we've seen them even 10 hours apiece, babies don't remember. Two born late this summer/early fall, hospital looks, Baptism, and maybe 3 hours? And then there's our YDD - totally different story, all our kids are so different.

Maybe you expect too much? Maybe dial those expectations down a bit?

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47 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

Really? I hope I say this correctly, because I don't mean it rude or unkind.

The baby is around a year old? How often do you expect to see a new baby?

We have 18 GC and 2 on the way. I can't remember seeing the babies much other than 5 minutes in the hospital, maybe some tiny visit when they were 1-3 months old, Their Baptism, and an hour or so between nap/nursing at major Holidays. Maybe 10-12 hours their first years. We have 2 baby GC born last summer, I can't think we've seen them even 10 hours apiece, babies don't remember. Two born late this summer/early fall, hospital looks, Baptism, and maybe 3 hours? And then there's our YDD - totally different story, all our kids are so different.

Maybe you expect too much? Maybe dial those expectations down a bit?

Yes you are being rude.  I clearly stated we have accepted we will be playing a lesser role as paternal grandparents. 

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8 minutes ago, pearlj said:

Yes you are being rude.  I clearly stated we have accepted we will be playing a lesser role as paternal grandparents. 

I didn't ask about the other GP's role, they are not you. I hoped I wasn't rude - when I asked if you expect too much.

It seems you may expect way too much time with a new baby, in my opinion.

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12 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

I didn't ask about the other GP's role, they are not you. I hoped I wasn't rude - when I asked if you expect too much.

It seems you may expect way too much time with a new baby, in my opinion.

You are still being rude and jumping to conclusions. We don't live in the same state sheesh!  I clearly accept we won't play as strong role as the maternal grandmother.  

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15 minutes ago, pearlj said:

You are still being rude and jumping to conclusions. We don't live in the same state sheesh!  I clearly accept we won't play as strong role as the maternal grandmother.  

Still isn't what I asked. I know you live in another state you said so in a post.

I asked if you may expect too much time with a new baby. That's NOT an unreasonable thought on my part.

When any GP complains about seeing a baby (a baby) as much as they want, I ask if they expect too much.

FTR, everybody who thinks they have DIL/her mom issues, never thinks it could be that their son is growing up.

Edited by JanelleK
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25 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

I didn't ask about the other GP's role, they are not you. I hoped I wasn't rude - when I asked if you expect too much.

It seems you may expect way too much time with a new baby, in my opinion.

And yes you are being unkind. If you bothered to read what I wrote until a few months ago my son and dil were encouraging us to move closer then it seemed once her mother got wind of this we started getting the cold treatment from our dil. Accepting we will play a lesser role as paternal grandparents is hardly consistent with having unreasonable expectations . 

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8 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

Still isn't what I asked. I know you live in another state you said so in a post.

I asked if you may expect too much time with a new baby. That's NOT an unreasonable thought on my part.

When any GP complains about seeing a baby (a baby) as much as they want, I ask if they expect too much.

FTR, everybody who thinks they have DIL/her mom issues, never thinks it could be that their son is growing up.

You asked if I may expect too much time with the new baby? The answer is no. 

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31 minutes ago, pearlj said:

Yes you are being rude.  I clearly stated we have accepted we will be playing a lesser role as paternal grandparents

I'm sorry you've taken offense to what Janelle said. She truly isn't meaning to be hurtful in any way. What it boils down to is that every situation is different. Her large, active family doesn't leave time for extra involvement of "every day GP". My 9GK are all within an hour, but everyone works, the kids are all in school (ages 4-13). I have open access to all, but time constraints just don't allow visits more than every few weeks and sometimes that's not at all easy to do. Weekends are packed with sports, dance classes etc...

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4 minutes ago, pearlj said:

Accepting we will play a lesser role as paternal grandparents is hardly consistent with having unreasonable expectations . 

Of course accepting you will play a lesser role can be consistent with unreasonable expectations - you may still have unreasonable expectations of how much time you should be involved with an infant. I guess you're not saying how much you do expect.

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Just now, pearlj said:

You asked if I may expect too much time with the new baby? The answer is no. 

You have met the baby in the first year? How much more is necessary?

A baby need happy parents not over-involved GPs. (unless GPs have to raise/babysit the baby)

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6 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

Of course accepting you will play a lesser role can be consistent with unreasonable expectations - you may still have unreasonable expectations of how much time you should be involved with an infant. I guess you're not saying how much you do expect.

I can't answer that because it's hard to have such expectations when I live hundreds of mikes away. We Skype .  When we move there next year  it would be nice if we get to see our granddaughter once or twice a month at best. Of course that depends on her age and activities. 

Edited by pearlj

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Your role will be your role. Grandparenting usually can't be scripted in advance. You may find your GD prefers your style over her other GM style while still loving you both. My GMs were very very different women. Both fabulous in her own way. I preferred PGM, she understood my quirky personality and was very patient with me for all I loved MGM as well. 

When you move closer to them, you will be able to find your place in your GD's life. At this point she's a beautiful lump in a blanket. 

Please don't make this into a competition with DIL's mother...it shouldn't be. You'll both have a place in this child's life. I think you do have expectations in your head. Try to stop wondering/worrying. It's something you have no control over at this point.  

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7 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

I'm sorry you've taken offense to what Janelle said. She truly isn't meaning to be hurtful in any way. What it boils down to is that every situation is different. Her large, active family doesn't leave time for extra involvement of "every day GP". My 9GK are all within an hour, but everyone works, the kids are all in school (ages 4-13). I have open access to all, but time constraints just don't allow visits more than every few weeks and sometimes that's not at all easy to do. Weekends are packed with sports, dance classes etc...

I feel like I'm being needled. I am new here and this feels awful And I just want to cry and  leave. I am trying to accept that the maternal grandmother is perhaps jealous and that I have to step back and accept it. 

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6 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

Your role will be your role. Grandparenting usually can't be scripted in advance. You may find your GD prefers your style over her other GM style while still loving you both. My GMs were very very different women. Both fabulous in her own way. I preferred PGM, she understood my quirky personality and was very patient with me for all I loved MGM as well. 

When you move closer to them, you will be able to find your place in your GD's life. At this point she's a beautiful lump in a blanket. 

Please don't make this into a competition with DIL's mother...it shouldn't be. You'll both have a place in this child's life. I think you do have expectations in your head. Try to stop wondering/worrying. It's something you have no control over at this point.  

My issue is with the sudden cold treatment from my dil, which is due to the maternal grandmother making this a competition. I ain't competing, I am accepting my role will be different and somewhat lesser as the paternal grandmother. I've already gotten some great advice. 

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I guess you could "step back and accept it". The MGM of 3 of my GK lives across town...they've seen the kids more over the years, but I don't think she is closer to them than I am. The relationships are unique. I don't think about her relationships with them, as we're very different. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't concern herself with what I do with the kids. She & I get along fine (our kids are now divorced). We've 'tagged teamed' childcare when needed, and will again over Christmas. xDIL & her new DH are expecting a baby. If the new bundle arrives while the olders are still in school rather than holiday break, I'll go to their house to run the show while MGM supports her daughter with the birth. 

Keep an open mind. 

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20 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

You have met the baby in the first year? How much more is necessary?

A baby need happy parents not over-involved GPs. (unless GPs have to raise/babysit the baby)

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16 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

I guess you could "step back and accept it". The MGM of 3 of my GK lives across town...they've seen the kids more over the years, but I don't think she is closer to them than I am. The relationships are unique. I don't think about her relationships with them, as we're very different. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't concern herself with what I do with the kids. She & I get along fine (our kids are now divorced). We've 'tagged teamed' childcare when needed, and will again over Christmas. xDIL & her new DH are expecting a baby. If the new bundle arrives while the olders are still in school rather than holiday break, I'll go to their house to run the show while MGM supports her daughter with the birth. 

Keep an open mind. 

Not concerned about their relationship .I was concerned about how the maternal grandmothers jealousy is impacting mine with my granddaughter. I have had some helpful advice in that regard already.

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I am done .this constant nitpicking is not helpful. My son and his wife have asked us to move closer and to be involved grandparents,the maternal mother is not liking that and the dil is now being a bit cold and passive aggressive. I simply asked advice and stated I am okay backing off and accepting it. 

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Ok, let me see if I'm getting this, @pearlj ... Living in another state, you & DH didn't exactly expect to see GD that much. Then DS & DIL began to encourage you to move closer. You 2 decided you would, and their enthusiasm led you to hope - maybe even believe - you would see baby frequently once you moved. IMO, that's very normal.

But then, DIL seemed to change, often acting cold, and so, your hopes were dashed. You now feel as if you'll be much less involved w/ GD than you thought earlier. You're accepting it, but it hurts. And I can totally understand that if such is the case. It's very disappointing to have your hopes built up that way and then knocked down. Have I got this right?

It might be that the MGM is possessive and resents the idea of your moving closer or being more involved w/ GD. And that... sigh... she's giving DIL a hard time about it. But it also could be, sorry to say, that DIL was never fully on board w/ the idea for whatever reason. And that now that the time is getting closer, she's freaking out a little. Or... who knows?

 it would be nice if we get to see our granddaughter once or twice a month at best. Of course that depends on her age and activities

Clearly, you've scaled back your hopes - a good idea, IMO. I just hope you focus on enjoying whatever time you get w/ her. And hey, don't forget, you can still skype even when you live nearer. :)

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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1 minute ago, RoseRed135 said:

Ok, let me see if I'm getting this, @pearlj ... Living in another state, you & DH didn't exactly expect to see GD that much. Then DS & DIL began to encourage you to move closer. You 2 decided you would, and their enthusiasm led you to hope - maybe even believe - you would see baby frequently once you moved. IMO, that's very normal.

But then, DIL seemed to change, often acting cold, and so, your hopes were dashed. You now feel as if you'll be much less involved w/ GD than you thought earlier. You're accepting it, but it hurts. And I can totally understand that if such is the case. It's very disappointing to have your hopes built up that way and then knocked down.

It might be that the MGM is possessive and resents the idea of your moving closer or being more involved w/ GD. And that... sigh... she's giving DIL a hard time about it. But it also could be, sorry to say, that DIL was never fully on board w/ the idea for whatever reason. And that now that the time is getting closer, she's freaking out a little. Or... who knows?

 it would be nice if we get to see our granddaughter once or twice a month at best. Of course that depends on her age and activities

Clearly, you've scaled back your hopes - a good idea, IMO. I just hope you focus on enjoying whatever time you get w/ her. And hey, don't forget, you can still skype even when you live nearer. :)

 

Sheesh ,Thankyou. Although it was my dil who was pushing it more and seemed excited.  

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1 minute ago, pearlj said:

Sheesh ,Thankyou. Although it was my dil who was pushing it more and seemed excited.  

Hmmm... That's interesting. Then it does seem as if her attitude has changed dramatically. So sorry about that.

I'm glad, though, that you appreciate the suggestions you've been given and hope some of them work out for you.

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I am deleting my membership here. While I fiound some advice helpful the needling and assumptions were exhausting , hurtful and rude unhealthy distraction. Much thanks red rose For your thoughtfulness and advice. 

Edited by pearlj

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On 10/24/2017 at 8:54 AM, ConstanceS said:

I understand what you mean, but I do always send an email to son to check if that specific date/time is acceptable. So if she wanted to be included she could have him suggest another date/time so she could attend as well. Which reconfirms my opinion that this works for all of us.

Yes, it is what it is.

Perhaps going one step further would help.  How about sending son an email asking him to select the date/time.  The reason I say this is that if you are now picking dates when you know DIL is working then she can clearly see she is being excluded. Although it's her actions that led to it being this way, I doubt your DIL will see it that way. If someone picked a date they knew I couldn't attend, I wouldn't feel comfortable changing it as I would feel I wasn't really wanted otherwise it would have been organized when the host knew I was free.  By getting your son to pick the date/time, they can decide as a couple if she attends or not.  It puts it back on them.  DIL can exclude herself but it doesn't reflect on you. 

 

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14 hours ago, pearlj said:

Yes, my husband and I have noticed this with our dil and it's concerning to us. We get along very well with our son, and generally with our dil too, we are pretty laid back parents in that we don't tend to be judgmental or criticize or interfere or impose  (although my dil's mother has a LOT to say and mothers my son also).   I never offer unsolicited advice and I respect how she wants to do things.   In the last year since she had a baby she has  been encouraging us to move closer and then boom it stopped and she has been running hot and cold with us and markedly so and we feel perhaps there is some possessiveness with our son and more importantly some pressure from her mother.   We figure as paternal grandparents we accept we will be left in the dust a bit, but  this feels a bit different and odd. 

How we are planning and trying to handle it is:  Not involve our son, no complaining or questioning or confronting. We can't make our dil respect us or involve us or consider us so we are trying to maintain an upbeat relationship with our son, send gifts to our granddaughter, keep in touch with our dil via fb as per usual,   offer help if needed, be supportive, and just get on with our lives.  I adore my granddaughter but I sadly have to accept that I will not be given the same opportunity to nurture a nana/grandaughter realtionship  that the other nana gets but I can still be there for my granddaughter in other ways.   If anyone has some tips I would appreciate it. 

Your plans sound really good.  If your DIL's mother is really overbearing then being the easy going GP will be a huge bonus.  I agree that maternal GM is probably doing a lot behind the scenes due to jealousy and possessiveness around the granddaughter however, I agree with others to put that completely out of your mind.  If the subject does come up from DIL/son in regard to commitments with seeing the granddaughter you could make a comment in regard to "oh I know between yourselves, DIL's mother there won't be much time but we're happy to fit in when it's convenient for you two".  I wouldn't bring that up yourself, however if the subject does get brought up or if they say something about being really busy you could calm some of their fears by simply letting them know you won't be hounding them for their time, as it sounds like they are probably getting that from DIL's mother already.  From what you have written your expectations sound quite reasonable around how much time you expect with granddaughter and that if the time you expect is different you'll be able to adapt fairly easily.

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5 hours ago, pearlj said:

I am deleting my membership here. While I fiound some advice helpful the needling and assumptions were exhausting , hurtful and rude unhealthy distraction. Much thanks red rose For your thoughtfulness and advice. 

I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't think it was so much a matter of "needling" as it was a disagreement over expectations. As for "assumptions," they're sometimes made in these kinds of conversations. However, if mistaken, that can be cleared up by further posts, which I feel you have done.

.Still, no doubt, you have to act according to your own perceptions. But members can't delete their own accounts here. You need to speak with an administrator, as I'm discussing w/ you in PM (you'll see).

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