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GrampsX9

The Two-And-A-Half-Generation Household

387 posts in this topic

35 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Don't do that, Gramps- Just don't- Call one of the numbers provided or 911- Speak freely to whoever receives your call because you life depends on it- Decide to live-

I understand how you feel and believe the needs that you've expressed in this thread are valid and have been extremely difficult to deal with ALL things considered- And I can't apologize enough, ever, for any of the suggestions offered that your problems could be solved with colorful scatter rugs and lava lamps- But you've a light inside you to guide you through difficult times- I know this is true due to the way in which you express yourself here online as well as the way in which you've described your expression of love to those in your every day life- Your situation isn't hopeless, but I would be lying if I tried to convince you that it wasn't difficult- I feel I'm certain that you must be nervous about Friday night- And if that's true, please reach out to someone in real life to talk to before you go if you think you could use a confidence boost- You aren't doing anything wrong- But that doesn't mean that you won't decide to take another avenue in the future- I will be thinking of you tonight and will ask a friend to think about you too -- because it's what we do- It brings me comfort to know someone is sending me love or I'm sending it to them- I wish you peace this evening-  

I don't think the suggestions of ways to brighten up Gramps' apartment were intended to try to "solve" all his "problems." Rather, they were suggested to help ease the situation a little by making Gramps' apt more comfortable.

But other than that, IMO, the above is a beautiful post. Gramps, I hope it you read it carefully. Perhaps more than once. Especially the parts about Friday night and talking things over w/ a "3rd party" IRL.

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Flowers  check

Candy     check

(consider non caffeine candy, there is a lack of Mormmon concesus)  

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There are literally 100s of schooling methods, don't add to your "problems". 

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I can't edit. I apologize, I spelled Mormon incorrectly. 

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12 hours ago, SueSTx said:

I thought the beauty of home schooling was the fact that it can be done in less time than conventional school and also taught outside of conventional hours.  

Maybe a child and parent are both night owls and they find midnight is the best time for them to do their schooling.

The simple rules for individual states to home school can be found online.  I have several friends that have home schooled their own children and many now hold college degrees.  One is even now a college professor.

As a 10 yr homeschool parent, I can sincerely say that there are so many viable ways to homeschool a child. I'm sure that if you asked our neighbours, they'd say our kids don't do any school work. Reality is, their book work is done in a cpl of hours, tops. We utilize online resources, videos, movies, field trips, co-ops...the possibilities are really endless. 

We flex our day as suits our needs, take field trips as suits us, take vacation days when we want/need.

Some days, my kids start their bookwork at 6 freaking am and are done by 9. (There's just not enough coffee for a kid coming at you with algebra and wanting help on those mornings, lemme tell ya). Other days, they can drag it out for hours and hours and hours. Extremely personality dependant, plus learning style.

Typically speaking, we have math, science, spelling/English and French done well before noon. History I tend to do in the evenings, right now I'm reading them Greek mythology while they do their after supper chores, and Wolf watches science and history shows with them, for which they write a report on. Ds 12 is in Cadets, which nicely covers science and PE. Plus TKD for both of them. And a co-op on Fridays for more socialization. And NaNoWriMo in Nov for their writing skills. And loads of art, history, English and music for Christmas. 

The list is really endless. We do cooking and baking and meal planning as part of their education. That comprises science, math, culinary, home ec. Our garden was science.

Pretty much anything and everything can be utilized for homeschooling, depending on how it's approached.

Edited by ImpishMom
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6 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

But Gramps has since mentioned that there has been talk of "homschooling" and "homework." So that sheds a different light on the situation, IMO.

There has been talk of homeschooling.  "Homework" was a pun by a clever child inferring that his sister now (i.e., 2 weeks ago) just helps at home rather than going to school.  Whether homeschooling has since begun, IDK.

Edited by GrampsX9

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23 minutes ago, GrampsX9 said:

There has been talk of homeschooling.  "Homework" was a pun by a clever child inferring that his sister now (i.e., 2 weeks ago) just helps at home rather than going to school.  Whether homeschooling has since begun, IDK.

Your pun loving GS doesn't know either....because he's in school during the day...just sayin'

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55 minutes ago, GrampsX9 said:

There has been talk of homeschooling.  "Homework" was a pun by a clever child inferring that his sister now (i.e., 2 weeks ago) just helps at home rather than going to school.  Whether homeschooling has since begun, IDK.

Ok, two weeks.

A lot of people believe in 'deschooling', which is essentially just allowing the child to destress from school. It's actually highly recommended for children who've been pulled.

Second, curricula takes time to arrive. If pulling her was only 2 weeks ago, it wasn't a planned event, so chances are, there's a butt tonne of research going on for your DIL, to suss out what curricula would work best. That involves assessing both her teaching style and her dd's learning style. Simply spending time w/her dd, talking about her interests, her passions can be a huge factor in figuring out curricula. I pulled my eldest dd out mid year in gr 3, b/c things had simply gotten so bad at her school. Wasn't a life goal, to homeschool. I had a lot of 'catching up' to do, in terms of educating myself about homeschooling, finding support groups, other hs parents, curricula resources, etc.

Two weeks is a very short time in terms of homeschooling. And, if the 14 yo is gifted as you say, she'll have a lot of input into what curricula to pursue. Some parents do all online stuff, some do a combination, some do very little. Some do an all free resources approach, some do a complete curricula from one provider, some cobble together. Being able to tailor the education to the child is one of the hugest benefits of homeschooling.

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10 hours ago, Komorebi said:

Considering you've some knowledge of the Mormon faith, as does Gramps I believe, how much if at all did their faith play into the behavioral switch?

This^^^ is just a question. But it reminds me, people, since religion seems to (possibly) be one of the issues here - GP.com does not allow negative messages about religion. As posted in the guidelines...

"It is not against any GP rule to mention God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, Manitou , or any deities in their posts as long as it's not putting down that religion or any other religion and as long as it's a positive message. Users can accept it or not, as with any statement on any topic covered in a forum."

 

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14 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

This^^^ is just a question. But it reminds me, people, since religion seems to (possibly) be one of the issues here - GP.com does not allow negative messages about religion. As posted in the guidelines...

"It is not against any GP rule to mention God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, Manitou , or any deities in their posts as long as it's not putting down that religion or any other religion and as long as it's a positive message. Users can accept it or not, as with any statement on any topic covered in a forum."

 

Komorebi's question, which Quote omits, was:

14 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:
  On 10/4/2017 at 2:49 PM, Komorebi said:

Considering you've some knowledge of the Mormon faith, as does Gramps I believe, how much if at all did their faith play into the behavioral switch?

Great question that I have been wondering about.  I'm sure it didn't help that I went to Applebee's with them, shortly after the move, and had two Bahama Mama's and got slightly high.  Big mistake.  And their reaction to being photographed, far down the sidewalk, going to and from church, may have been partly religious?  And they may fear that I will somehow poison the kids' minds?

Add to that their need to control three mentally superactive kids, with the 12-year-old being a constant discipline problem.  They rise to the challenge by being very controlling, and they don't want the distraction of a non-Mormon GF appearing in their midst at random times.  I wish I had foreseen this, but it didn't become clear until we had moved, and I got a few visits with them.

So what percentage of this is religious, versus pure control issues?  I don't know, but it must be a mixture of both.

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I went to lunch with another lady from our church today.  We have both been ill this summer and both are having some relationship difficulties with one of our AC and are seldom in contact with them.  We discussed the fact that if we hadn't "done" anything to actually cause this conflict, there is nothing we can actually "do" to fix it.  Our mid-thirties AC have their own lives to lead and other than to be happy when we do get a visit or call, all we can do is pray that the situation does get better and we have the knowledge to make things better in the future without throwing our boundaries into the wind either.

Gramps, really think on if there is actually something that you can do to help make things better.  

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I emailed them today:

I moved from an apartment where I was paying $850 a month with free utilities, to an apartment where I'm paying $1,835 a month with free utilities and an occasional visit from a dog.

I can't go on like this.

Their reply:

Ok, thanks for letting us know.  We will start looking for a new place to live.  It may take us several months to save up enough for a down payment.

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OK, you have an answer. Not the you want, totally understandable. Remember, the only person you can control is you. 

There is a possibility of renting out the house at fair market value...as well as renting the apartment separately (check your zoning laws), set up another mailbox and actually become a landlord...Move to a place where you can meet people your own age (over 55 communities seem to be everywhere these days) and spend time with your daughters, other grandkids and friends. Don't hold a grudge against your son or his wife....mismatched expectations, nothing more, nothing less. 

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I'm so sorry Gramps. I hoped they would bend a bit but as Mame says you can't control them. You could rent out the basement apartment and move upstairs or rent both the upstairs and the basement apartment. Call your daughters and tell them it isn't working out and see what possibilities they can think of near them. Remember, you tried, it isn't anyone's fault that you wanted something different than your DS. Sometimes life is disappointing and you grieve for what could have been, but in the end you just move on. It doesn't mean there aren't good times ahead for you once you get past this difficult time.

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I've lived all over the world, I've never lived where adults didn't control minors. Control of minors is to be expected, don't worry about that. 

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3 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

Komorebi's question, which Quote omits, was:

Great question that I have been wondering about.  I'm sure it didn't help that I went to Applebee's with them, shortly after the move, and had two Bahama Mama's and got slightly high.  Big mistake.  And their reaction to being photographed, far down the sidewalk, going to and from church, may have been partly religious?  And they may fear that I will somehow poison the kids' minds?

Add to that their need to control three mentally superactive kids, with the 12-year-old being a constant discipline problem.  They rise to the challenge by being very controlling, and they don't want the distraction of a non-Mormon GF appearing in their midst at random times.  I wish I had foreseen this, but it didn't become clear until we had moved, and I got a few visits with them.

So what percentage of this is religious, versus pure control issues?  I don't know, but it must be a mixture of both.

No doubt, it can be uncomfortable for some parents to raise kids w/ specific beliefs and have someone around who doesn't share them all. Especially if the parents are trying to follow/teach their kids to follow those beliefs very strictly, as DS/DIL may be doing (I'm not sure of that, of course). That's probably true, I imagine, no matter what the beliefs or the faith.

But I agree, as Patty suggests, that most parents try to control their kids to some degree. Since you say the kids are "superactive,' that may increase DS'/DIL's feeling that they need to be in control... IDK... But all that's likely to change as the kids get older and gain more autonomy.

Edited by RoseRed135

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12 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

I emailed them today:

I moved from an apartment where I was paying $850 a month with free utilities, to an apartment where I'm paying $1,835 a month with free utilities and an occasional visit from a dog.

I can't go on like this.

Their reply:

Ok, thanks for letting us know.  We will start looking for a new place to live.  It may take us several months to save up enough for a down payment.

 

So sorry, Gramps. I hope you weren't shocked by this reply. I know you must be disappointed. (((Hugs!)))

But this may be the first step towards a new life where you'll again be putting out less money (than now) and having full access to your own above-ground apartment. Or if you choose to live in the house after they leave, while the expense won't lessen, obviously, you'll have a lot more freedom in it once DS, DIL and GC move out.

I'm glad DS/DIL took your email so calmly. That suggests to me that they might have begun to realize, themselves, that this situation wasn't working out.

I know it will take time, as DS and DIL say. And it may take some new adjustments on everybody's part. But chances are, any tensions in your relationship w/ them will ease after they leave.

Edited by RoseRed135
to add a thought

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4 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

Komorebi's question, which Quote omits, was:

Great question that I have been wondering about.  I'm sure it didn't help that I went to Applebee's with them, shortly after the move, and had two Bahama Mama's and got slightly high.  Big mistake.  And their reaction to being photographed, far down the sidewalk, going to and from church, may have been partly religious?  And they may fear that I will somehow poison the kids' minds?

Add to that their need to control three mentally superactive kids, with the 12-year-old being a constant discipline problem.  They rise to the challenge by being very controlling, and they don't want the distraction of a non-Mormon GF appearing in their midst at random times.  I wish I had foreseen this, but it didn't become clear until we had moved, and I got a few visits with them.

So what percentage of this is religious, versus pure control issues?  I don't know, but it must be a mixture of both.

More than likely-

I'll make this brief- My sister made my niece's life a living hell when she was a teen due to a mixture of control and belief- Heartbreaking, but none of my business -- until my niece came to me freaking out that I was going to go to hell for listening to "my type" of music- She pleaded with me to throw it away- This was not my beautiful, intuitive, wide-eyed niece full of curiosity- What stood before me was a tortured soul- I threw "my music" in the trash can without much fanfare .. afterall, I was also quite young myself, young enough to almost really feel what her feet felt like in her shoes- We discussed it in depth years later, after she became of age-

The bottom line, she was my sister's daughter to raise and to ruin- Not mine- The mistakes I made raising my own, are my own-  

EDIT: I left out that it was my sister that told my niece that I was going to go to hell for listening to "my kind" of music -- praise the Lord .. :)

Edited by Komorebi
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I'm not a heathen, by the way .. :) .. I love Amazing Grace by Dropkick Murphy's, Will the Circle Be Unbroken / the Carter Family, Down to the River to Pray / Alison Krauss, Gregorian Chants, gospel, so forth ..

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3 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

I emailed them today:

I moved from an apartment where I was paying $850 a month with free utilities, to an apartment where I'm paying $1,835 a month with free utilities and an occasional visit from a dog.

I can't go on like this.

Their reply:

Ok, thanks for letting us know.  We will start looking for a new place to live.  It may take us several months to save up enough for a down payment.

 

You both get right to the point, no beating around the bush- The part in bold, how do you feel about that? Hint: Keep in mind how you got into this situation to begin with- As in: Who expects several to look like 7 or considerably less -- or more-  

 

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17 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

Komorebi's question, which Quote omits, was:

Great question that I have been wondering about.  I'm sure it didn't help that I went to Applebee's with them, shortly after the move, and had two Bahama Mama's and got slightly high.  Big mistake.  And their reaction to being photographed, far down the sidewalk, going to and from church, may have been partly religious?  And they may fear that I will somehow poison the kids' minds?

Add to that their need to control three mentally superactive kids, with the 12-year-old being a constant discipline problem.  They rise to the challenge by being very controlling, and they don't want the distraction of a non-Mormon GF appearing in their midst at random times.  I wish I had foreseen this, but it didn't become clear until we had moved, and I got a few visits with them.

So what percentage of this is religious, versus pure control issues?  I don't know, but it must be a mixture of both.

*wince* Yeah, the drinking I could see being a big issue. If it were just them at dinner...but their children were there. I would be very unhappy w/someone that got 'slightly high' at dinner w/my kids. Wolf and I have no issue w/having a drink in front of the kids, but neither of us is okay w/someone being buzzed or drunk around them. And we don't have religious restrictions regarding alcohol.

As for 'controlling'...well, that's really in the eye of the beholder. One man's 'controlling' is another man's 'structure'.

I don't know if it's a 'non-Mormon' thing so much as, 'doesn't respect our religious choices'. I'm not Mormon, but if I were out w/a Mormon family, I wouldn't drink alcohol around their kids, and absolutely would not voice any disapproval of their faith. Actions speak louder than words, and they may have taken your drinking when out to dinner as deliberate disrespect to their faith. NOT saying that was your intention, but how it could've been interpreted.

My MIL is of a very different perspective when it comes to religion than Wolf and I are. He's had to tell her that she can either quit scaring our children w/tales of End Days, or not talk to them at all anymore. She's perfectly entitled to her faith, but she's not allowed to cram it down our children's throat. At the same time, she's also been called out for contradicting what we teach our children. You don't get to tell our children, "Mom and Dad are wrong and going to Hell..." b/c we don't follow your church, and expect us to be ok w/that. We also refuse to allow anyone to denigrate other's religion in front of our children, and have been very clear w/them about 'just b/c someone else believes differently doesn't make them wrong, just different from us."

Religion is a hot button for many families, esp when the AC choose a different path than their parents, and in turn, teach the different path to their children. But it's a parenting choice, and one that needs to be respected, even if the grandparent disagrees.

16 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

I emailed them today:

I moved from an apartment where I was paying $850 a month with free utilities, to an apartment where I'm paying $1,835 a month with free utilities and an occasional visit from a dog.

I can't go on like this.

Their reply:

Ok, thanks for letting us know.  We will start looking for a new place to live.  It may take us several months to save up enough for a down payment.

 

I'm sorry that it's come to this. But now everyone knows where they stand. I agree w/Komo about nailing down what 'several' means. I also hope that this can be accomplished w/out further damage to the relationship.

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18 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

I emailed them today:

I moved from an apartment where I was paying $850 a month with free utilities, to an apartment where I'm paying $1,835 a month with free utilities and an occasional visit from a dog.

I can't go on like this.

Their reply:

Ok, thanks for letting us know.  We will start looking for a new place to live.  It may take us several months to save up enough for a down payment.

 

I am sorry your living arrangement did not work out, and you are taking steps to move on.   I too would nail down what "several months" means and set a firm move out date for your DS/DIL.  A down payment is not needed to move, just a security deposit and first/last months rent which shouldn't take too long to save up given that your DS does not pay rent or a mortgage currently.   

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BSW, good point, that they might move to a rental and be gone quicker than expected.

I replied to my son's email:

Understood.
I love all of you, and it's profoundly depressing that you don't want me to visit your space.
--Dad

@SueSTx, maybe speaking the language of love will make things better, but it's probably too late.

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1 hour ago, GrampsX9 said:

BSW, good point, that they might move to a rental and be gone quicker than expected.

I replied to my son's email:

Understood.
I love all of you, and it's profoundly depressing that you don't want me to visit your space.
--Dad

@SueSTx, maybe speaking the language of love will make things better, but it's probably too late.

Dude!

"They might move" = expectation

"Quicker than expected" = expectation

:shok:

:)

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2 hours ago, GrampsX9 said:

BSW, good point, that they might move to a rental and be gone quicker than expected.

I replied to my son's email:

Understood.
I love all of you, and it's profoundly depressing that you don't want me to visit your space.
--Dad

@SueSTx, maybe speaking the language of love will make things better, but it's probably too late.

'Visit' to me means to be invited. So, they did have you 'visit' their space. It was the open access that you wanted that they didn't agree with. I wonder if that's part of the issue, that the term 'visit' means something very different for the two of you.

Regardless, I really hope that once things settle everyone can catch their breath and be able to have a positive relationship.

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