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annierobyn

Adult son SO angry with me

56 posts in this topic

Will try to keep this short. Kind of confusing. Ex and I have been divorced about 36 years but are still friends. DS lived with me and saw his Dad regularly. DS now 38. His Dad did something that really  angered DS. Because we are still friends from time to time I have done banking for my ex when he’s out of town. DS is now furious with me because I didn’t tell DS right away that I would not help his Dad any more. DS states I don’t have his back.. DS said don’t talk to me and hung up.

comments, suggestions?

confused and hurt

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This is a long line of similar issues with your son.  He tries to dictate your relationships with others. He has had issues with your husband.  If I remember right his issues with your husband were causing issues in your marriage.  He has had issues with you and his son.  He was using your visiting your GS to get you to behave in a way he wanted.  There is always something he seems to be mad about.  Some people are just not easy to get along with.  At some point you have to do what you think is right and just give up pleasing these types of people.   There is always something "next" they are going to get mad about.  Something else they "demand" you do to prove you love them.

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Annie, please forgive me if I'm wrong - but isn't your DS quick to anger? Regardless, our kids would not be allowed to boss us regarding who else we could interact with. You have your own relationship with your XH. DS is wrong, imo, nothing to do with having his back. DS is being ridiculous, ignore his nonsense.

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Remind him that only behavior he can control is his own. And that his relationship with his dad has nothing to do with you.

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Posted (edited)

Last week when I was in the salon for my toes, my toe gal and the other gals were (as usual) complaining about their horrible MILs and XHs. At a break in the diatribe I noted that there are usually 2 sides to every story, it didn't help much to blame everybody else vs look inward.

Not a popular thesis in a gossip salon - but maybe worth repeating to your DS?

In a couple of weeks I'll show up and find out if I still have a toe gal.  ;) 

Edited by JanelleK
word
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Thanks all. He ignored my email and is sadly not allowing us to wish dgs a happy birthday. dgs who of course has zero to do with this. Sigh.....

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Im afraid I’m a peacekeeper and a wimp when it comes to family. I adore DS and would actually forego my relationship with his ap dad to keep the peace. Sad huh?

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Posted (edited)

On 10/2/2017 at 7:03 PM, annierobyn said:

Im afraid I’m a peacekeeper and a wimp when it comes to family. I adore DS and would actually forego my relationship with his ap dad to keep the peace. Sad huh?

But would it "keep the peace" for long? As skipped suggests, there always seems to be another "issue" (and not just w/ you, either, apparently). I totally get your tendency to choose your DS over your friendship w/ your X. But in this case there's no guarantee that would end the tensions between you and DS.

IMO, you need some space from DS. So perhaps his ignoring you, etc. is a blessing in disguise. Maybe it's best to pull back and give him a chance to cool down? I know this is easier-said-than-done though, especially b/c it affects your relationship w/ GS, as well. (((Hugs!)))

Edited by RoseRed135
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I adore DS and would actually forego my relationship with his ap dad to keep the peace.

Another thought about this^^^^.... Did you, at any time, let DS know that you would be willing to "forego (your) relationship with his" dad? (Not saying you should, just asking if you told him this.) Or didn't he give you the chance?

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He didn’t give me the chance. When he said “I’ll bet you’ll still do the banking for my dad” I said ”gee I have to think about this one”.he screamed into the phone ”that just proves you don’t have my back. Don’t  talk to me until next week ( when our next counselling appt is) “and hung up on me. I have not contacted him nor will I. Just devastated about dgs wondering why we didn’t call to wish him a happy birthday.

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I'm sorry, but your son needs to grow up.

He cannot not and should not dictate your relationships. Especially if it has nothing to do with him. I know it's hard because it's your DGS who will suffer because your ds uses him as a punishing tool. And of course you want a relationship with both.  So wait for the counseling session, explain your side and hopefully the counselor can get through to your overgrown baby about his tantrums.

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Oranges I’m pretty sure I’m right in this instance. I don’t care to be right but rather happy....you eventually start doubting yourself but I feel confident that no one can dictate who you have a relationship although what his dad did was prett awful.

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58 minutes ago, Oranges said:

I'm sorry, but your son needs to grow up.

He cannot not and should not dictate your relationships. Especially if it has nothing to do with him. I know it's hard because it's your DGS who will suffer because your ds uses him as a punishing tool. And of course you want a relationship with both.  So wait for the counseling session, explain your side and hopefully the counselor can get through to your overgrown baby about his tantrums.

^^^^^This is the topic for your next counseling session.^^^^^Hopefully the counselor can explain to your overgrown baby adult child that he is not central to your other adult relationships AND that he is punishing his child in his attempt to punish you. 

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When i read your post something stood out  ADULT SON  he needs to act like an adult. How would he feel if you treated him by a hangup ? Kids should not be involved in any way  with divorces especially after so many years. Your son is 38, how does this really affect him? If after all these years your X allows you to do banking and your son is mad about it  imo sounds like he wants to know more about  money issues. Why would he want to punish his own son?  Hope counselor can help.

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On 10/2/2017 at 4:03 PM, annierobyn said:

Im afraid I’m a peacekeeper and a wimp when it comes to family. I adore DS and would actually forego my relationship with his ap dad to keep the peace. Sad huh?

I adore my son as well, but have never had a problem calling him out when I think it needs to happen. Peacekeeping doesn't mean not addressing the issues....it can mean addressing them sooner rather than later to limit fallout. 

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Posted (edited)

5 hours ago, annierobyn said:

He didn’t give me the chance. When he said “I’ll bet you’ll still do the banking for my dad” I said ”gee I have to think about this one”.he screamed into the phone ”that just proves you don’t have my back. Don’t  talk to me until next week ( when our next counselling appt is) “and hung up on me. I have not contacted him nor will I. Just devastated about dgs wondering why we didn’t call to wish him a happy birthday.

Please don't worry too much, Annie. If he's caught up in the excitement of his bday, he may not think a lot about who called or who didn't. I think we adults pay more attention to that kind of thing than kids do. :)

It may be just as well for you and DS to "take a break" (my words) till your next counseling session. I'm just sorry he's bringing GS into it. Then again,if DS isn't speaking to you, it may just be an unfortunate by-product of the situation that you can't wish GS a "Happy Birthday" on the phone. Perhaps you can send him a card?

I agree w/  you and PPs about DS not having a right to "dictate your relationships," anymore than he would want you to dictate his, etc. Even if XH did something "pretty awful," IMO,  you still have a right to make your own decision as to if/how that will impact your friendship w/ him.

Also, I'm wondering, is there a chance they will reconcile in the future? B/c if you were to forego your friendship w/ XH and then he and DS make up, where would that leave you?

Edited by RoseRed135
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19 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Please don't worry too much, Annie. If he's caught up in the excitement of his bday, he may not think a lot about who called or who didn't. I think we adults pay more attention to that kind of thing than kids do. :)

I agree with Rose  ^^ here.

This summer had some busy moments for us - YDD who can be a PITA, along with her husband and 18 mo old twins lived with us while my husband reno their tree damaged home for sale and then reno another home for them to move into. Meanwhile, MDS wife (PPD) needed help for their 1 yr old near the end of this last pregnancy (IDK, I thought he knew where babies come from, though we forgot sometimes too). And our 3 y/o DGD had to go to daycare (I cried buckets), so ODD could help MDS wife. Unbounded chaos.

Three GC birthdays went unacknowledged by my husband and me, we forgot. I doubt the 2 babies cared, and I don't think 8 y/o GD knew the difference - she was on vacation with my brother and they showed her a great time. 

He'll have had fun!  It'll be fine  :)

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Rosered  a reconciliation is possible but highly unlikely. I am not doing anything until we see the counsellor on Tues.

dGS did get a card and gift from us. I’m sure we are more upset than he is. Thank goodness.

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Hi all - brand new to the site but not to grandparenting (10, ages 2 - 19).  Annierobyn, with respect and love, I gotta say - you are NOT a peacekeeper, you are an enabler.  You might be a wimp, I am too, and allowed my oldest D (sorry, don't know the shorthand yet), single mom of 5, to run my life and almost ruin my health and marriage by her demands - and always for the kids, for the kids...  Your son may have more deep seated issues (mine does, NOT trying to play counselor or diagnose), but ask yourself this - Is this the behavior you want your grandchild to see and learn as normal from an adult?  Would the 8 yo be allowed to behave this way? - scream, demand, hang up - i.e., throw a tantrum to get his own way?  Hopefully not.  Being supportive of an adult child does not mean giving in, it means setting limits and expecting and supporting adult behavior.  YOU are fine and being a good mom by continuing to help your son find adult ways to  live and behave  Since you are already in counseling with him, there must be a history here.  

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A post in this thread has been hidden for review. It may/may not be restored in its entirety.

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@laRosa - Welcome!

Please note that I've sent you a PM (personal/private message). To find it, just click on the the envelope icon in the upper right corner of the page. Thank you. :)

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The hidden post has been restored in its entirety. 

Welcome @laRosa, looks like you're finding your way...you will find opinion here, positive & negative. 

(and check your PMs again)

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annie, I'm sorry, I hope counseling helps. Chin up, it will work out. 

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Thanks to all. Counselling session on Tuesday should be an eye opener. Please send out positive vibes. I’m at wits end with this one.

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7 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

Thanks to all. Counselling session on Tuesday should be an eye opener. Please send out positive vibes. I’m at wits end with this one.

Recognize your part in this (peacekeeping, possibly enabling, etc) and that you teach people how to treat you. So if your DS is having this rather bullying temper tantrum and you accept his behavior, you're telling him it's ok to act like this toward you. 

It's not, or you wouldn't be discussing it here, correct? 

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