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annierobyn

Adult son SO angry with me

56 posts in this topic

12 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

Thanks to all. Counselling session on Tuesday should be an eye opener. Please send out positive vibes. I’m at wits end with this one.

Positive vibes from me, Annie.

It's not just about "an eye opener," though, IMO. It's about working out how your and DS' relationship is going to be as time goes on. You and DH need to respect his wishes as a parent, no doubt. But he also needs to respect your right to live your life as you wish, maintain what friendships you choose, etc. He has to come to understand that he has the right to control GS/what happens regarding GS, but he doesn't get to control you or any other adult, etc. All that isn't going to be resolved in this one session, as I'm sure you realize. These are things that need to be worked out over time.

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P.S. DS also needs to come to understand that your idea of "having his back" and his might be different and that's ok. He can't dictate how you express support of him.

Did he like it when you seemed to be getting in the middle between him and your mom? No. So he shouldn't ask you either, IMO, to get in the middle between him and his dad.

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Rosered you are so correct. You said it perfectly. Thank you.

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There is a difference between peacekeeper and peacemaker.

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I don't know what your ex did that was awful - however, I wonder (based on the time you have been divorced) if your DS is actually manipulating both of you.  Saw it in a niece many years ago - both parents (divorced) enabling it along w/gps on one side also enabling.

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Nana-mom his Dad did something quit unforgivable and DS is completely right in his feelings of hurt and Illwill towards his father. Me? Not so much. Counselling at 4 today. Oh boy stomach in knots already.

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"DS, I know you are angry with your dad, understandably so. However, your relationship with your dad is just that, YOUR relationship with your dad, not mine. I can't/won't take sides anymore, it's too stressful for me."

I hope your meeting goes well today. Please keep us posted.

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1 hour ago, Mame925 said:

"DS, I know you are angry with your dad, understandably so. However, your relationship with your dad is just that, YOUR relationship with your dad, not mine. I can't/won't take sides anymore, it's too stressful for me."

annie, there really is nothing you can do except work on yourself and your relationship with DS, in my opinion. He thinks one thing, you feel differently. You can't really expect him to see your side and you likely can't see his.
 
Pray, go to counseling, move on into what makes you happy.
 
Recently, one of our kids asked us to do something that made no sense, we waited a couple of days, the reasons came round from my brother. Made even less sense, but it's pretty cut and dried as a done deal. We were unhappy, but after thinking on it and examining ourselves (our side, the only bit we honestly know) we decided all we can do is be true to ourselves.
 
As my brother un-eloquently said: "My I don't give a flying frog hasn't been up this early in the morning since my divorce - box it up and move on". Maybe that's your solution as well. I hope the counseling is productive.
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Session went well sort of. At one point DS called the counsellor an “a-hole”, got up to leave, stopped, turned around and came back. They made nice. We go back next week. I have decided, on my own, for my own sanity to discontinue doing his Dads banking. Thank you all for your insight. It really does help.

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I agree that distancing yourself from your DS/xH relationship will be the best thing you can do for yourself. They'll learn to live with it...

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On 10/2/2017 at 6:54 PM, annierobyn said:

Thanks all. He ignored my email and is sadly not allowing us to wish dgs a happy birthday. dgs who of course has zero to do with this. Sigh.....

Hi Annie.  I'm new here, so hi :)  It's terrible that your son is giving you such grief.  My opinion, FWIW, is let him figure it out on his own.  I would move on with my own life.  If you let him use gc as a pawn, he always will.  He does sound like a grown up brat.  At a certain age, I feel like we need to expect our kids to grow up and hold them accountable as adults and not enable them to continue to be brats. 

Anonymous poster hash: d2b5b...b02

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Hi Annie,

I am sorry to hear about the problems with your son, I have a son just like yours who tries to control me and when I won't do what he wants he punishes me, my punishment for the last 10 months has meant I have been denied access to my Granddaughter, my crime was I work as a Reiki Practitioner (which he hates), I have a camper van which has sign writing on it that advertises my work so because of this I am not allowed to park it at his house when I would go visiting ( in case the neighbours saw what I did for a job), so I went to a local campsite, leave my van there and my DIL would pick me up in her car.

Unbeknown to me the campsite owner knows my son through his work and after I had left the campsite (son and I live in different counties) a few weeks later the site owner had asked my son where his lovely mother was and she called me 'The Spiritual Lady', he wasn't happy because he hates anything spiritual, so because of that I am being punished again, I wasn't invited to my Granddaughter's first birthday and no doubt I won't be able to see her at Christmas.

He was a lovely lad and we had a lovely relationship but it all changed the moment he met his now wife and her family, they are rich I am not, we used to laugh and joke now he puts on a posh accent and tells me I am trailer trash and that I am not good enough to be in his life.

Stay strong Annie no one has any right to control you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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@NannieE -My heart aches for you! How painful that your son keeps you away from your GD (granddaughter) this way! I'm not clear on whether it's b/c he disapproves of the work you do, b/c of your "spritiruality" or b/c of your income level. But no matter what, I know it must hurt.( And his calling you "trailer trash" is inexcusable, IMO! ((Hugs!)))

How kind of you to draw on your own pain to reach out to someone else! No doubt, you will find some comfort & support here, as well.

Edited by RoseRed135
typo
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Thank you RoseRed, I don't feel anger towards my son just sadness for wasted life, love and memories, he probably doesn't feel adequate in his world so he projects all his negativity onto me and makes me the problem instead of dealing with what is really going on in his life.

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@NannieE, first, welcome...second, if you think your son is projecting his issues/angst on to you, I'd call him on it. My DsD, who I raised from age 7, used to project her anger issues over her (very flakey) mom on to me...I was the safe place because she knew I wouldn't budge and would continue to love her no matter what. She dealt with abandonment issues over her mom from the time she was about 3. She's in her 40s now and still can't trust her mom...

I put a stop to it partly because she needed to learn to direct her feelings back to their source, and partly because I simply didn't deserve the negativity. She was in middle school when I brought her up short on it one day. Her mom had promised to pick up on a Friday evening then kept calling with excuses why she wasn't there...didn't get her until Sunday, and then only for a few hours instead of the weekend DsD had looked forward to. She was snarly & nasty to me until I finally told her to knock it off, that it wasn't my fault her mom disappointed her, yet again and I was not going to allow her to treat me that way. She stomped off in huff, understandably, then reappeared later with her attitude in check. She lashed out at me because I was safe...

 

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4 hours ago, NannieE said:

Thank you RoseRed, I don't feel anger towards my son just sadness for wasted life, love and memories, he probably doesn't feel adequate in his world so he projects all his negativity onto me and makes me the problem instead of dealing with what is really going on in his life.

You seem to have a positive attitude about this situation, Nannie. I'm glad. I hope things get better over time and that you get to see GD again soon enough. Also, I hope you continue reaching out here.

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The way I see things RoseRed is that we have two choices in life we either live through Love or through Fear, and living through Fear is what causes most of the problems and conflicts.  Life is tough and extremely painful at times the people we love hurt us and we hurt them, but what I have come to realise after being on this earth for 52 years is that life is set up as a series of life experiences some good some bad and it is how we deal with those experiences that matter, how we deal with the issue is the issue and not the issue itself.

Of course my heart breaks for my Son and GD, he has been so very cruel to me and I don't understand his actions but I will continue to feel only love for him and forgiveness, it is not easy I have to work at it, but I just try to remember that it is a life experience that is designed to teach us both something, but it is painful none the less.

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5 hours ago, NannieE said:

he has been so very cruel to me and I don't understand his actions but I will continue to feel only love for him and forgiveness, it is not easy I have to work at it,

Does your forgiveness include letting him continue to treat you so disrespectfully or do you love him (and yourself) enough to put a stop to it?

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I don't allow anything that someone might say or do affect me, I get on with my life that is the gift of self love.

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25 minutes ago, NannieE said:

I don't allow anything that someone might say or do affect me, I get on with my life that is the gift of self love.

I guess to each is own, but I won't let anyone mistreat me then go back for more. Because I do deserve respectful treatment part of my "self love" is to insist that on respectful treatment. Part of my job as a mother, even to adult children is to address the issues between us. 

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A lesson for you to learn Mame is don't assume anything about anyone because you have no idea what I have or have not done to address the issues with my son.

Don't assume and don't judge.

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54 minutes ago, NannieE said:

A lesson for you to learn Mame is don't assume anything about anyone because you have no idea what I have or have not done to address the issues with my son.

Don't assume and don't judge.

I'm basing my comments on what you've posted. No judgement, no assumption, just opinion.

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@NannieE - I'm glad you don't let your son's ugly comments get to you. As for the idea of standing up to him, would you even have a chance to do that at this point? Since, sadly, he hasn't let you see GD in 10 months, I imagine you haven't seen him either. Is that correct?

Anyhow, I see you now have 7 posts to your name. Just 3 more and you'll be able to open your own thread, if you like, and tell us more about your situation, etc., if you wish.

Meanwhile, I've sent you a PM (personal/private message). To find it, just click on the the envelope icon in the upper right corner of the page. Thank you. :)

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I understand  "cruel".  I have often referred to my MIL was the meanest person on earth and it took me nearly 20 years to put her in a TO/VLC or CO depending oh how you look at it, and then I didn't do that until my teenage son stood up to her about her actions toward me.  From my side of the fence, it is hard when children are involved.  When the kids were little, I wanted that close grandparent relationship for my kids and my parents lived a full days travel away.  They were still closer in their heart to my parents.  DD is closing in to 40 and she still plans her vacation around a swing by Mother's home each year.

It is also IMHO easier to pull back from an InLaw than our own child.  There has been issues between DD and hubby which I refuse to be included in.  They are both wrong.  They have to work it out between the two of them, which is what I've told them both many times.  But some of that fallout does settle on me too.  GD is in her teens now and calls sometimes and DD will bring her for a long weekend or full week during the summer, but of course, I'd love to see her more.  I'd love to see DD more.

How each individual handles a tense family situation is IMHO directly in accord to their own personality and "style".  No one on the outside understands how I react/feel on the inside.

 

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In many ways I have an insider view because of the work I do, I see it from a different angle that most people.  When someone is cruel, toxic or just plain mean it is not really about the person it is being directed at, generally the problem is linked to the person who is being mean and is to do with something they are going through totally unrelated to their actions.

What does TO/VLC/CO mean.

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