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RoseRed135

Do you...

50 posts in this topic

The pages don't turn when I click on them. Is anyone else having this problem?

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Oh wow. Now I can't turn the pages either. I have this problem on and off. It used to only happen when I was on Firefox, but lately, it happens regardless of what browser I'm on.

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11 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

do you share any of these concerns?

No. None of our business. We are done raising kids, our AC do as they wish.

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I just clicked on the View all button and was able to read the article.

IF asked, I always tell my AC and spouses that they are adults and know more than I do and I feel sure if they will sit down and discuss there issues and consult whatever professional they can give the best advise, that they will come to the best conclusion/decision for them and their family.

There is no way I would ever get in the middle of their decisions.

I have though after the fact when told that the result wasn't all they were hoping for...asked if they have ever thought of _____________ when making a decision.  (Everybody knows that I think a little out of the box.)  I have never asked what was the out come of their decision.

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33 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

I just clicked on the View all button and was able to read the article.

IF asked, I always tell my AC and spouses that they are adults and know more than I do and I feel sure if they will sit down and discuss there issues and consult whatever professional they can give the best advise, that they will come to the best conclusion/decision for them and their family.

There is no way I would ever get in the middle of their decisions.

I have though after the fact when told that the result wasn't all they were hoping for...asked if they have ever thought of _____________ when making a decision.  (Everybody knows that I think a little out of the box.)  I have never asked what was the out come of their decision.

The view all button does not work for me. Which browser are you using?

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Just checked this on IE and Google Chrome and it works on both. I usually use firefox.

If I have any concerns I keep them to myself until my son or daughter asks for my opinion. At that point, I have no problem telling them what I think no matter how they may feel about it but they are aware that I pull no punches.

Edited by homeygfunk
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I found it interesting that time w/the grandkids was all about alone time. 'At least one Friday a month' was one comment. That's just kinda baffling to me.

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1 minute ago, ImpishMom said:

I found it interesting that time w/the grandkids was all about alone time. 'At least one Friday a month' was one comment. That's just kinda baffling to me.

When I read the ones requesting time with the GC I was thinking about the GPs here that the parents say cross boundary lines.

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When DS/Dil had just one child, I got lots of alone time with him when they were expecting the 2nd...especially toward the end to the pregnancy. Both knew that 2 kids is a lot more work than 1 so they'd not have the sort of freedom they had with the 1...I didn't ask, it was offered. He isn't being raised the way I would, but I keep my comments to myself....His mother has now discovered she should have made some different decisions regarding this one...some things are coming back to bite her...

My go to line when I can see something just isn't working is "have you considered...." So its a suggestion they can either take or leave. I am very out-of-the-box in a very straightforward way....

#1 GB, now 13 and so cool you can't stand to be in the room with him...got in trouble in school for disrupting the class during a test...they called his mother (DD) who just isn't having it. He's lost his electronics for 2 weeks with partial return mostly on weekends. If it happens again someone will be going to school with him. They will always get the opportunity to fix it themselves....but his village is always ready to help. I'm the one with the most free time...I may be the one going with him....my visitors name tag won't say "Mrs. LastName"....it will say "Kid'sName's Grandma". And I'll b there for the day. (This happened to a friend of mine when we were seniors in high school...her mom caught her cutting school. So mom just told her that since she had trouble staying at school she'd help her by coming with her...dogged her every step all day!). It's mortifying, just ask my kids...I had to go to school with all 3, once....because any time after that if there was a problem brought to my attention all I had to do was ask "do I need to come to school with you?"...their body language was all the same. Both hands held palms out toward me with the statement "No, that's OK, I'll take care of it"....and they did. 

So, I am a village elder with my grandkids....I don't comment unless asked. I have boundaries in my home that must be observed regardless of what happens elsewhere. 

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Keep my mouth shut  Even giving  praise needs to be addressed very carefully. I once said to DD something like,  the wonderful young person your daughter has become reflects on you. I got thanks:  I think.

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23 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

When DS/Dil had just one child, I got lots of alone time with him when they were expecting the 2nd...especially toward the end to the pregnancy. Both knew that 2 kids is a lot more work than 1 so they'd not have the sort of freedom they had with the 1...I didn't ask, it was offered. He isn't being raised the way I would, but I keep my comments to myself....His mother has now discovered she should have made some different decisions regarding this one...some things are coming back to bite her...

My go to line when I can see something just isn't working is "have you considered...." So its a suggestion they can either take or leave. I am very out-of-the-box in a very straightforward way....

#1 GB, now 13 and so cool you can't stand to be in the room with him...got in trouble in school for disrupting the class during a test...they called his mother (DD) who just isn't having it. He's lost his electronics for 2 weeks with partial return mostly on weekends. If it happens again someone will be going to school with him. They will always get the opportunity to fix it themselves....but his village is always ready to help. I'm the one with the most free time...I may be the one going with him....my visitors name tag won't say "Mrs. LastName"....it will say "Kid'sName's Grandma". And I'll b there for the day. (This happened to a friend of mine when we were seniors in high school...her mom caught her cutting school. So mom just told her that since she had trouble staying at school she'd help her by coming with her...dogged her every step all day!). It's mortifying, just ask my kids...I had to go to school with all 3, once....because any time after that if there was a problem brought to my attention all I had to do was ask "do I need to come to school with you?"...their body language was all the same. Both hands held palms out toward me with the statement "No, that's OK, I'll take care of it"....and they did. 

So, I am a village elder with my grandkids....I don't comment unless asked. I have boundaries in my home that must be observed regardless of what happens elsewhere. 

 

I went to school and sat in all my son's classes once. Only had to do it one time. I got a call from the school that he had 17 referrals. I asked them why it took 17 referrals before I found out there was a problem. They told me that they try to get the child to correct their own behavior first before they call the parents. I told them 17 was too many and they should have known sooner that what he was doing to correct his own behavior was not working. After I went to school and sat in all his classes I never got a call from school again.

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32 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

When DS/Dil had just one child, I got lots of alone time with him when they were expecting the 2nd...especially toward the end to the pregnancy. Both knew that 2 kids is a lot more work than 1 so they'd not have the sort of freedom they had with the 1...I didn't ask, it was offered. He isn't being raised the way I would, but I keep my comments to myself....His mother has now discovered she should have made some different decisions regarding this one...some things are coming back to bite her...

My go to line when I can see something just isn't working is "have you considered...." So its a suggestion they can either take or leave. I am very out-of-the-box in a very straightforward way....

#1 GB, now 13 and so cool you can't stand to be in the room with him...got in trouble in school for disrupting the class during a test...they called his mother (DD) who just isn't having it. He's lost his electronics for 2 weeks with partial return mostly on weekends. If it happens again someone will be going to school with him. They will always get the opportunity to fix it themselves....but his village is always ready to help. I'm the one with the most free time...I may be the one going with him....my visitors name tag won't say "Mrs. LastName"....it will say "Kid'sName's Grandma". And I'll b there for the day. (This happened to a friend of mine when we were seniors in high school...her mom caught her cutting school. So mom just told her that since she had trouble staying at school she'd help her by coming with her...dogged her every step all day!). It's mortifying, just ask my kids...I had to go to school with all 3, once....because any time after that if there was a problem brought to my attention all I had to do was ask "do I need to come to school with you?"...their body language was all the same. Both hands held palms out toward me with the statement "No, that's OK, I'll take care of it"....and they did. 

So, I am a village elder with my grandkids....I don't comment unless asked. I have boundaries in my home that must be observed regardless of what happens elsewhere. 

I recently offered to walk my 12 yo into Cadets, cooing, "My sweet sweet Babykins!" at him at high volume...during the entire evening.

And if I had to do it a 2nd time, I'd be wearing my footie jammies. The ones that there are buttons missing on the buttflap, wiht my Cookie Monster boxers underneath. The ones where Cookie has his mouth gaping open, yelling "FEED ME" on them.

Funny how quickly his attitude changed...

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I have had some of the thoughts listed in the article but would never voice them where they could get back to DSs. Like Mame with her GC, my DIL learned the hard way that some choices in parenting lead to some problems and she has had to make changes eventually. (turns out that most children, including hers, really do better on a regular routine afterall) But that happens to every parent. But DIL does many things very well and I admire how well the GDs behave with each other and how kind they can be.

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Everyone has a right to raise their own off spring as they choose. Do I have concerns? yep! certainly! is it my job to correct my ac on how they raise theirs? Don't think so. One thing that has always drove me nuts is paper diapers! Not so much the use of them but they hold a lot and I can't stand looking at any kid who's diaper is hanging blow the knees cause it's so full! I so want to tell that mom change the kid how would you want to walk around like that? Even harder to fight the urge when it was my own gk's but I do manage to keep my mouth shut. 

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6 hours ago, JustaGrandma said:

Everyone has a right to raise their own off spring as they choose. Do I have concerns? yep! certainly! is it my job to correct my ac on how they raise theirs? Don't think so. One thing that has always drove me nuts is paper diapers! Not so much the use of them but they hold a lot and I can't stand looking at any kid who's diaper is hanging blow the knees cause it's so full! I so want to tell that mom change the kid how would you want to walk around like that? Even harder to fight the urge when it was my own gk's but I do manage to keep my mouth shut. 

I've got one kid that I'd change, and within 10 minutes, could be rocking the saggy butt look. Drove me NUTS. I can remember saying to Wolf, "Remember how I JUST changed him? LOOK!" 

Thank heavens for potty training.

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My inlaws reserve their parenting criticism for my DH. It's part of a general pattern of criticizing him, and I believe they do it out of love and think they are helping, but it is extremely hurtful to him. I feel like MIL in particular just thinks DH doesn't have the temperament to be a father, and often tells him things like "I was up all night worrying that you are being too strict with the kids." He is not strict at all, and has what I think are very reasonable, age-appropriate expectations. I know my FIL was a strict parent and actually borderline abusive in some ways (to the kids and to MIL), and I think he and MIL are projecting their regrets and guilt onto us, or at least onto DH. DH is a very patient man, but the inlaws don't seem to see that side of him. I think he had a quick temper when he was a teenager, but by the time I met him (mid-20's), he was already a pretty mellow guy, and having kids made him even more so. He's also extremely patient with his parents and never lets on that they are hurting him. I actually don't know how to deal with this, because I feel like it's not based in reality, so even if I tell them that he's not really like that, they don't believe me, because they just know what he's like. He wants me to stand up for him to them, so I do, but they are quick to dismiss what I say.

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On Monday, October 23, 2017 at 0:57 PM, ImpishMom said:

I found it interesting that time w/the grandkids was all about alone time. 'At least one Friday a month' was one comment. That's just kinda baffling to me.

GREEDY as ****! 

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12 hours ago, Oceanisland44 said:

My inlaws reserve their parenting criticism for my DH. It's part of a general pattern of criticizing him, and I believe they do it out of love and think they are helping, but it is extremely hurtful to him. I feel like MIL in particular just thinks DH doesn't have the temperament to be a father, and often tells him things like "I was up all night worrying that you are being too strict with the kids." He is not strict at all, and has what I think are very reasonable, age-appropriate expectations. I know my FIL was a strict parent and actually borderline abusive in some ways (to the kids and to MIL), and I think he and MIL are projecting their regrets and guilt onto us, or at least onto DH. DH is a very patient man, but the inlaws don't seem to see that side of him. I think he had a quick temper when he was a teenager, but by the time I met him (mid-20's), he was already a pretty mellow guy, and having kids made him even more so. He's also extremely patient with his parents and never lets on that they are hurting him. I actually don't know how to deal with this, because I feel like it's not based in reality, so even if I tell them that he's not really like that, they don't believe me, because they just know what he's like. He wants me to stand up for him to them, so I do, but they are quick to dismiss what I say.

Does he stand up to them, for himself?

Honestly, I'd start ending visits/conversations. "You're being really insulting. If you don't stop, this visit/conversation is over." then follow through/

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Welcome @Oceanisland44. You are right, they aren't listening to you....they are seeing the child he used to be rather than man he is now. It will be up to him to tell them that their continued "constructive criticism" is hurtful. He'll need to sit them down quietly (you can be there, but not talk) and let them know how their comments make him feel...that "OceanIsland44 and I are a parenting team...the kids are loved, well cared for and thriving". If they brush this aside and continue, he will stop them in the moment with "we've got this"...It will only escalate if they can't control themselves. Then he can discuss projection (probably accurate, BTW) or anything else he may feel is driving their comments or, as Imp has suggested, simply ending the visit. 

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I agree @Oceanisland44, that your ILs are looking at DH as he "used to be."  It's not unusual for parents and/or AC to revert back to parent/child roles when they're together, as I'm sure you know. They're approaching him as if he's still a child they can control. Or they may be worried that he still has that "quick temper" he had as a teenager (if you're right about that). Also, MIL could be assuming that he is as "borderline abusive" as his dad and that you're just defending him out of fear. Is it possible FIL is still mistreating her? And that she's looking through a very negative lens?

Perhaps you were just venting here, Oceanside, but like PPs, I'm wondering why DH doesn't "stand up for himself?" Again, it's not unusual to revert back to parent/child roles - perhaps when he's w/ his parents, he still feels as if they have authority over him? Or maybe he, too, is afraid that the old "quick temper" will resurface?

Regardless, I agree the only chance he has of letting them know he's an independent adult who does not need/want parental guidance is if he speaks up. Same w/ letting them know he's a calm and caring husband and father and that their comments to the contrary are hurtful. IMO, he should say this once. If they argue or repeat their offenses in the future, then he can remind them this has already been discussed ("We've been over this. Please back off") or end the conversation/visit, as has been said.

You can't "make him" do this, of course. You could suggest it - once, I think - and let him mull it over. But in the end, of course, how he responds to his parents is up to him. Perhaps you, yourself, can end the visit, if they "dismiss what you say?" Or ask them to stop criticizing and then end the visit if they don't? If you see them frequently, you may also want to talk to DH about cutting back on the visits. That alone won't resolve the problem., but at least then, you wouldn't have to deal w/ them as often ... Food for thought...

Edited by RoseRed135

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I'm wondering if that "quick temper" in the past was really just the reaction to being micromanaged/criticized as a teen...the parents didn't notice until he snapped at them, so thought it was "quick" rather than "the last straw"...perception is everything.

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On 10/29/2017 at 11:16 PM, ImpishMom said:

I've got one kid that I'd change, and within 10 minutes, could be rocking the saggy butt look. Drove me NUTS. I can remember saying to Wolf, "Remember how I JUST changed him? LOOK!" 

Thank heavens for potty training.

I couldn't use them on mine as it would make them blister and peel. 

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10 hours ago, JustaGrandma said:

I couldn't use them on mine as it would make them blister and peel. 

2 of my kids were allergic to Pampers, same reaction.

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Both my kids were sensitive to scents in disposable diapers. The unscented were hard to find, so were used only for travel. With cloth both were completely out of diapers before 2-1/2...

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