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RoseRed135

Do you...

50 posts in this topic

No disposables

On ‎2017‎-‎10‎-‎28 at 2:12 PM, JustaGrandma said:

Everyone has a right to raise their own off spring as they choose. Do I have concerns? yep! certainly! is it my job to correct my ac on how they raise theirs? Don't think so. One thing that has always drove me nuts is paper diapers! Not so much the use of them but they hold a lot and I can't stand looking at any kid who's diaper is hanging blow the knees cause it's so full! I so want to tell that mom change the kid how would you want to walk around like that? Even harder to fight the urge when it was my own gk's but I do manage to keep my mouth shut. 

No disposables in our house when my kids were babies. Always straight cloth diapers with rubber pants, and of course you knew (instantly) when those old cloth diapers needed changing!

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@BalloonPants! Nice to see you back....

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Thank you so much, Mame!

Just been dealing with life. Gosh, it can be ever so consuming.

 

 

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On ‎2017‎-‎11‎-‎01 at 11:16 AM, Mame925 said:

Both my kids were sensitive to scents in disposable diapers. The unscented were hard to find, so were used only for travel. With cloth both were completely out of diapers before 2-1/2...

Have to say, Mame, you did well in the early training department! I was still running with washcloths and clean diapers in-hand with two of my kids who were well past their 3rd year, and that was daytime. Both went on to wear diapers at night till age 4 (respectively).

Ever seen a 4 y/o in rubber pants? LOL!

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Yes, applies to me. OD doesn’t allow me to see her children.  Her oldest daughter 4yrs. Told me I’m a bad person. (At my grandsons 1st bday)  My ex, his wife, ex’s sister heard and asked me what I did to deserve that. I said I didn’t know (I didn’t want to cause a scene) kept my mouth shut.  A few weeks later, I said something to my middle daughter because it was bothering me.  She didn’t believe me, so I told her, their dad heard me, his wife and sister.  Well they all 3 lied. Thus, the reason I’m no longer allowed near them.  

My daughter tells me I need to go to church, she cannot stand the sight of my husband, she knows I have mental issues.  (I’m bipolar)  She said she a Christian and raising her children to be Christians. Her father in law is a minister,  HELP!!!! 

Edited by Lori214
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8 hours ago, Lori214 said:

Yes, applies to me. OD doesn’t allow me to see her children.  Her oldest daughter 4yrs. Told me I’m a bad person. (At my grandsons 1st bday)  My ex, his wife, ex’s sister heard and asked me what I did to deserve that. I said I didn’t know (I didn’t want to cause a scene) kept my mouth shut.  A few weeks later, I said something to my middle daughter because it was bothering me.  She didn’t believe me, so I told her, their dad heard me, his wife and sister.  Well they all 3 lied. Thus, the reason I’m no longer allowed near them.  

My daughter tells me I need to go to church, she cannot stand the sight of my husband, she knows I have mental issues.  (I’m bipolar)  She said she a Christian and raising her children to be Christians. Her father in law is a minister,  HELP!!!! 

Lori, my heart is aching for you! (((Hugs!)))

It seems you've been CO (cut off) from OD's children through no fault of your own. I'm a little confused about a couple of details though (getting everything down clearly, at first, can be difficult, I know). If you can clear them up, I think it would make your situation easier to understand. 

Her oldest daughter 4yrs. Told me I’m a bad person.

Was this supposed to read like this: "Her oldest daughter  is 4yrs. OD told me I’m a bad person."

Or like this: "Her oldest daughter, 4yrs, told me I’m a bad person." (Sometimes, computers, iPhones, etc. can mess up punctuation, I know!)

Well they all 3 lied.

Are you saying that all 3 - your ex, his wife & sister - all denied that GD said you're a "bad person?" Does that mean OD now thinks you lied about her child... sigh..

Thanking you in advance for answering my questions. Now to make some comments below...

Edited by RoseRed135
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 How awful that you were insulted at your GS' bday! I'm so sorry! I hope it didn't spoil the whole event for you!

But about what followed - Why would 3 adults lie that way? Do you think they were just being mean? Could it be they were afraid of upsetting OD? Is it possible they just forgot the incident? Or??

I'm also sorry about your struggle w/ mental illness. But I trust you're being treated for it. I would think AC (adult children) would be understanding about this. But, unfortunately, often they're not. It may be cold comfort, but you're not alone in this problem.

And I'm sorry OD doesn't like your DH (dear husband). Has she told you why?

As Mame suggested elsewhere, I would expect a "Christian" to be more loving and forgiving. IMO, OD also needs to realize she can't/has no right to control whether or not anyone else goes to church or who they marry, etc. But I'm not sure OD would listen, right now, if you said any of this to her.

Granted, she has the right to associate w/ whom she wants and to decide who can be around her children. At the moment... sigh... you're not one of them. If she believes you lied about one of her kids... sigh... I'm afraid I can see why, and I'm sure you can, too. I wish I could tell you how to convince her otherwise (if that's the case), but I can't think of anything right now. Maybe someone else will.

Hopefully, this will blow over after a while. For now, sending you more (((hugs!)))

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3 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Lori, my heart is aching for you! (((Hugs!)))

It seems you've been CO (cut off) from OD's children through no fault of your own. I'm a little confused about a couple of details though (getting everything down clearly, at first, can be difficult, I know). If you can clear them up, I think it would make your situation easier to understand. 

Her oldest daughter 4yrs. Told me I’m a bad person.

Was this supposed to read like this: "Her oldest daughter  is 4yrs. OD told me I’m a bad person."

Or like this: "Her oldest daughter, 4yrs, told me I’m a bad person." (Sometimes, computers, iPhones, etc. can mess up punctuation, I know!)

Well they all 3 lied.

Are you saying that all 3 - your ex, his wife & sister - all denied that GD said you're a "bad person?" Does that mean OD now thinks you lied about her child... sigh..

Thanking you in advance for answering my questions. Now to make some comments below...

My 4 yr old grand daughter told me I was a bad person. Yes, they all 3 lied, denying hearing her saying that.  

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3 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

 How awful that you were insulted at your GS' bday! I'm so sorry! I hope it didn't spoil the whole event for you!

But about what followed - Why would 3 adults lie that way? Do you think they were just being mean? Could it be they were afraid of upsetting OD? Is it possible they just forgot the incident? Or??

I'm also sorry about your struggle w/ mental illness. But I trust you're being treated for it. I would think AC (adult children) would be understanding about this. But, unfortunately, often they're not. It may be cold comfort, but you're not alone in this problem.

And I'm sorry OD doesn't like your DH (dear husband). Has she told you why?

As Mame suggested elsewhere, I would expect a "Christian" to be more loving and forgiving. IMO, OD also needs to realize she can't/has no right to control whether or not anyone else goes to church or who they marry, etc. But I'm not sure OD would listen, right now, if you said any of this to her.

Granted, she has the right to associate w/ whom she wants and to decide who can be around her children. At the moment... sigh... you're not one of them. If she believes you lied about one of her kids... sigh... I'm afraid I can see why, and I'm sure you can, too. I wish I could tell you how to convince her otherwise (if that's the case), but I can't think of anything right now. Maybe someone else will.

Hopefully, this will blow over after a while. For now, sending you more (((hugs!)))

The reason for the lies, my ex likes to make me look bad.  When we were married, he was physically, verbally and mentally abusive.  No one ever knew it.  He was GOOD. Took me 22 yrs to leave. He’s a sick twisted individual. Another story 

Yes, my bipolar is treated, I’m the manic/depressment.  I’ve been doing wonderful. Right now I can feel a manic coming on, but am being taking care of.  It’s stemming from OD.  With holidays, my parents complaining to me about it, wanting me to fix it, sticking up for ex how he feels bad, because I made comment how I’m sure he’s so happy he got what he wanted. 

OD won’t even listen to her sisters, they’ve tried and told her she’s being stupid.  

Shes looking for someone to blame our divorce on.  She’s acting very immature, The bipolar gene is from Mom’s side and in all reality, from all the therapy, hospital stays I’ve learned, I feel she may have it.  Because she tacked on her own lie, I manipulated them.  

Thank you for your caring words and hugs 

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OD could possibly be scared she has the bipolar gene also.  Maybe seeing you while you display a manic period coming own makes her afraid when looking back at her own actions that she displays some of the same symptoms also.  Maybe keeping you at arms length makes it easier for her to kid herself that she can't get "it" from you because she is never around you.  Maybe she is worried that her own children will inherit it also.

Don't people with bipolar have trouble distinguishing  what is true and what isn't.  I pray that she comes to see what is really happening and that IF she does discover she is also bipolar, that she feels comfortable coming to you for advice and first hand experience.

I have been divorced without any children, so I have never encountered you situation with the lies, but I hope in the future your X will tell the truth or better yet, keep out of it.

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9 hours ago, Lori214 said:

sticking up for ex how he feels bad,

This is so not your problem....He should feel bad. 

 

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18 hours ago, Lori214 said:

The reason for the lies, my ex likes to make me look bad.  When we were married, he was physically, verbally and mentally abusive.  No one ever knew it.  He was GOOD. Took me 22 yrs to leave. He’s a sick twisted individual. Another story  I'm so deeply sorry. Glad you got out though!

Yes, my bipolar is treated, - Good! - I’m the manic/depressment.  I’ve been doing wonderful. Right now I can feel a manic coming on, but am being taking care of.  It’s stemming from OD.  With holidays, my parents complaining to me about it, wanting me to fix it, sticking up for ex how he feels bad, because I made comment how I’m sure he’s so happy he got what he wanted. 

So I take it your parents fear the estrangement between you and OD's family will impact the holidays. And that this will affect them. Have I got that right? So they want you to "fix it"/patch things up w/ OD. But how?

I'm sorry your parents aren't more supportive of you/are taking your X' side. I'm guessing he's quite a charmer. Did you ever tell them about the abuse?

OD won’t even listen to her sisters, they’ve tried and told her she’s being stupid.  

IMO, too many people are getting in the middle of the conflict between you and OD (and, perhaps, your X and his wife and sister). You need to tell your parents, I think, gently-but-firmly, that this is not their issue and they don't get a vote in who resolves it or when.

You can't control what your other DDs say to OD, of course. Since their efforts aren't helping, however, you could ask them to stop trying (maybe they already have). IDK if they'll stop, but it's worth you're asking them to, IMO.

Shes looking for someone to blame our divorce on. So this is about more than the recent incident. Sounds as if there have been issues between you for a long time. Is that the case? She’s acting very immature, The bipolar gene is from Mom’s side and in all reality, from all the therapy, hospital stays I’ve learned, I feel she may have it.  Because she tacked on her own lie, I manipulated them.  Who does "them" refer to?

Thank you for your caring words and hugs 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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3 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

 

My mom is the issue my parent side.  My dad keeps telling her to stop.  I’ve only given pieces of info to anyone in family, I feel none of their business.   I walked away saying nothing.  I wanted the girls to respect their father.  Mom, I’m not sure, there are days she thinks he walks on water, then it’s opposite. 

Them meaning, her children.  Which is impossible, I’ve never ever been alone with them.  I’d leave a room, she’d follow 

With her sisters, they told her not to send email to talk, that she was being stupid over something so petty.  

I just at this point throw my hands up.  I sent GD birthday gift in June, she got it, I tracked it, sent D BD card on Oct. they were just in town for another grandchild BD, I walked up and spoke to them when I left, I told them safe travels home.  There was no avoiding them without looking like a butt. That was my last olive branch (reaching out) 

you are amazing hugs

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I share some of these concerns but keep reminding myself that things change throughout generations and these things are not the things that matter.  As long as they’re good parents and loving it will be alright. 

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9 hours ago, Lori214 said:

My mom is the issue my parent side.  My dad keeps telling her to stop.  I’ve only given pieces of info to anyone in family, I feel none of their business.   I walked away saying nothing.  I wanted the girls to respect their father.  Mom, I’m not sure, there are days she thinks he walks on water, then it’s opposite. 

Regardless, it's not her issue. Good that your dad has told her, but maybe you need to? Or just change the subject when she starts in? Up to you, of course... Food for thought...

Them meaning, her children.  Which is impossible, I’ve never ever been alone with them.  I’d leave a room, she’d follow 

Wow. It just seems there are a lot of issues between you and OD, right now, even if she's making some of them up - your divorce (although years have passed), your new DH, the incident at the bday party, and her accusations about your "manipulating" her kids. Maybe it's just as well if you have a "break" (my word) from each other for a while. Granted, OD is also keeping you away from her kids, and I'm sorry about that. But the time apart may be good for you and OD.

With her sisters, they told her not to send email to talk, that she was being stupid over something so petty.  

Again, it seems as if it's really about more than that one incident, even if OD's other concerns are distorted, imagined and/or out of line. The recent incident was just probably the "last straw" in her view.

I just at this point throw my hands up.  I sent GD birthday gift in June, she got it, I tracked it, sent D BD card on Oct. they were just in town for another grandchild BD, I walked up and spoke to them when I left, I told them safe travels home.  There was no avoiding them without looking like a butt. That was my last olive branch (reaching out) 

So you were able to be at the same family event peacefully. And OD was willing to have her kids at an event where she knew (I'm sure) that you would be present.That's a good sign, IMO. How did they react when you spoke to them? Did OD or your SIL (son-in-law) acknowledge you? Did the kids greet you? This may be a clue as to whether or not the situation will improve any time soon.

you are amazing hugs

Blushing... IDK about "amazing," but thanks... Just trying to understand better and, perhaps, help...

Meanwhile, I see you've accumulated 10 posts. So you can open your own thread, if you'd like, in whatever forum seems appropriate to you. :)

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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Just wondering out loud here why it is that our children, or their spouses, think it’s an okay thing to blackmail us GPs by threatening to withhold our GC from us if we don’t toe the line? I mean yes, I get it if you are stuck with straight our meddling or crazy GPs but if they’re just ordinary people with different opinions do you have to be so thin skinned and ready to take offence and use your kids as a means to emotionally blackmail their GPs?

Please tell me how isolating your children from their wider family support network, and especially from loving GPs is good for them?

Edited by Gigima
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Welcome Gigima, I'm glad you joined right in.  I'm sorry to see that there are some issues in your family also.  Most of us are here due to issues in ours .

As usual there are two sided to every story.  Have you tried to see the other side of yours?  Would you have wished your ILs to have treated you as your children and their spouses think you are threating them?

No need to answer my question in a post, just think about what they might be feeling also then own anything you might have done to contribute to this situation.

Maybe you haven't done a thing but respond to what has been said or done to you.

Edited by SueSTx
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42 minutes ago, Gigima said:

Just wondering out loud here why it is that our children, or their spouses, think it’s an okay thing to blackmail us GPs by threatening to withhold our GC from us if we don’t toe the line? I mean yes, I get it if you are stuck with straight our meddling or crazy GPs but if they’re just ordinary people with different opinions do you have to be so thin skinned and ready to take offence and use your kids as a means to emotionally blackmail their GPs?

Please tell me how isolating your children from their wider family support network, and especially from loving GPs is good for them?

I suspect that if your kids are like mine they don't want to hear outsider opinions. They know what they want and know how to achieve it without interference.

I don't call ^ that emotional blackmail, I call that knowing one's mind and not putting up with nonsense. In my opinion, loving parents who are not being upset/bothered by others is what matters to my grandchildren

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8 minutes ago, JanelleK said:

I suspect that if your kids are like mine they don't want to hear outsider opinions. They know what they want and know how to achieve it without interference.

I don't call ^ that emotional blackmail, I call that knowing one's mind and not putting up with nonsense. In my opinion, loving parents who are not being upset/bothered by others is what matters to my grandchildren

I agree with you. I don’t think you understand what I was saying. 

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1 hour ago, SueSTx said:

Welcome Gigima, I'm glad you joined right in.  I'm sorry to see that there are some issues in your family also.  Most of us are here due to issues in ours .

As usual there are two sided to every story.  Have you tried to see the other side of yours?  Would you have wished your ILs to have treated you as your children and their spouses think you are threating them?

No need to answer my question in a post, just think about what they might be feeling also then own anything you might have done to contribute to this situation.

Maybe you haven't done a thing but respond to what has been said or done to you.

Definitely two sides to every story, and yes, very good advice.  I would honestly have loved my ILs to have treated me the way I treated my DIL, because honestly I tried my best and more, but when you are dealing with someone with this, who has no insight into her condition https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder there is pretty much nothing you can do that will be right. I even went to see a psychologist to ask how to handle the situation better (yup even psychologists need psychologists sometimes) and was told I was doing the best I could do given the situation. 

Naturally the fact that DIL has a mental health condition doesn’t mean that I was always perfect. Before I knew why she was doing the things she did (like lie to me) I called her on her lies once or twice which caused her to become very angry, but once I realised that she was going through hell every day because of her mental illness I no longer worried about those things. 

As for for my question above, it was asked because of the frustration in seeing that so many people seem to be walking on eggshells around their ILs. I just wish people could be more accepting of agreeing to differ. Most of the issues it seems people have with their ILs is just about differences of opinions on everyday things. Not important things, just little things. And it becomes such a big issue. It’s very hard when your IL asks your opinion about something but you have to second and third guess yourself about whether you could or even should answer. Surely if an adult asks you a question they expect a reasonable answer? I’m not saying be mean or critical, but if you ask me whether I prefer cloth to disposables then don’t feel criticised if I say cloth but you secretly like disposable. I mean there is no wrong or right here, it’s a matter of preference and that’s all it is to me. Breast or bottle? Well I breastfed and counselled at LaLeche, but if you prefer bottle then go for it. 

I just think people are overly sensitive about some things that are nothing more than personal preferences in the grand scope of things and should know what they want or acknowledge if they ask for an option it might not be what they want to hear but is none the less not necessarily wrong, just different  

 

Edited by Gigima
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@Lori214, why does your DD think she has a vote or viable opinion in your divorce? She didn't live it, she has no idea, she doesn't get to vote. Might be time to tell her "I understand you love your dad. The marriage failed. It had nothing to do with you. Move on."

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2 hours ago, Gigima said:

Definitely two sides to every story, and yes, very good advice.  I would honestly have loved my ILs to have treated me the way I treated my DIL, because honestly I tried my best and more, but when you are dealing with someone with this, who has no insight into her condition https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder there is pretty much nothing you can do that will be right. I even went to see a psychologist to ask how to handle the situation better (yup even psychologists need psychologists sometimes) and was told I was doing the best I could do given the situation. 

Naturally the fact that DIL has a mental health condition doesn’t mean that I was always perfect. Before I knew why she was doing the things she did (like lie to me) I called her on her lies once or twice which caused her to become very angry, but once I realised that she was going through hell every day because of her mental illness I no longer worried about those things. 

As for for my question above, it was asked because of the frustration in seeing that so many people seem to be walking on eggshells around their ILs. I just wish people could be more accepting of agreeing to differ. Most of the issues it seems people have with their ILs is just about differences of opinions on everyday things. Not important things, just little things. And it becomes such a big issue. It’s very hard when your IL asks your opinion about something but you have to second and third guess yourself about whether you could or even should answer. Surely if an adult asks you a question they expect a reasonable answer? I’m not saying be mean or critical, but if you ask me whether I prefer cloth to disposables then don’t feel criticised if I say cloth but you secretly like disposable. I mean there is no wrong or right here, it’s a matter of preference and that’s all it is to me. Breast or bottle? Well I breastfed and counselled at LaLeche, but if you prefer bottle then go for it. 

I just think people are overly sensitive about some things that are nothing more than personal preferences in the grand scope of things and should know what they want or acknowledge if they ask for an option it might not be what they want to hear but is none the less not necessarily wrong, just different  

 

I don’t think you will ever get the relationship you’d like with your DIL due to her dx personality disorder.  This will always be an impediment.  O

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4 minutes ago, BSW said:

I don’t think you will ever get the relationship you’d like with your DIL due to her dx personality disorder.  This will always be an impediment.  O

I think I realise that on an intellectual level, but in my heart I am not over grieving for that yet. I have such a good relationship with my other children’s various partners/spouses. This one is hard for me, and not only because this is my only grandchild so far. 

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5 minutes ago, Gigima said:

I think I realise that on an intellectual level, but in my heart I am not over grieving for that yet. I have such a good relationship with my other children’s various partners/spouses. This one is hard for me, and not only because this is my only grandchild so far. 

I think mourning this relationship is a healthy response but comparing DIL - with a dx personality disorder - to others who I assume do not have one - not healthy.  I have a BIL who is a dx sociopath - I would never compare him and his behavior to anyone I know.  Rather I learned about the disorder and have put suggested boundaries in place to deal with it (and I came to terms with the reality that the BIL and uncle to my kids that I wanted would never, ever be). 

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41 minutes ago, BSW said:

I think mourning this relationship is a healthy response but comparing DIL - with a dx personality disorder - to others who I assume do not have one - not healthy.  I have a BIL who is a dx sociopath - I would never compare him and his behavior to anyone I know.  Rather I learned about the disorder and have put suggested boundaries in place to deal with it (and I came to terms with the reality that the BIL and uncle to my kids that I wanted would never, ever be). 

You are so right. 

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