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RoseRed135

S/O of "Passive Aggression" - Locations, location, location?

11 posts in this topic

In the "Passive Aggression" thread, Komorebi stated:

A host can directly address the behavior of her guests in her own home- She does not have to "go through" another to do it when under her roof- She has control over her own words and manner in which she addresses her guests and as a result some control over what her guests "hear" when she addresses them-......

When under her own roof, she's not stuck between having to choose to go through her son or be afraid that she's complaining.

Is this the case, people? Does being in her own home change the dynamics between, say, MIL/DIL and a difficult DIL/MIL guest? Does it mean MIL doesn't have to "go through DS" or DIL wouldn't do better to "let DH/DS handle it?"

Thoughts? Experiences? Observations?

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It is not my place to reprimand, scold or correct any guest in my home as a general rule.

When my kids were teens, I did "invite" my Dad to leave only 30 minutes after he made that 10 hour drive for trying to tell me how to correct my teens after he had stirred the pot.  He and mother went for a walk instead and he apologized when they got back.  I never had a problem with him again.  If it would have been his home, I would have packed up and returned home over the same issue.

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I think most things are better dealt with in private, not in a situation where people who are not involved become involved just by being there. Not fair to them at all. It would be like having to watch a DH/DW have an argument in front of the whole family. Everyone is uncomfortable at that point. That's really not fair to the guests. I especially get irritated when parents reprimand their children in "public" for all to see, instead of doing it privately. I would also include scolding children in front of their friends as a big no no, too. Not cool.

Whether the parent addresses unwelcome behavior with AC/ACIL together or separate could go either way.

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Not sure if this responds to the intent of the question, but coincidentally DS said recently he finds it is much easier to deal with his PIL, demanding “engulfers” (if I understand the term as I’ve seen it on these boards) who can be very critical of him, when they are at his/DIL’s home. Evidently DIL’s mother is very anxious and controlling in her own home but more relaxed when she is visiting.

My own observation is that DIL is not as displeased to see us when she is at her/DS’s home as when at DH/my house. Maybe this is because she is upstairs away from us a lot of the time, and it’s easier for her to be busy in her own home than in ours. Also, our homes are very different re decoration and living spaces and she may not be comfortable with our style.

I don’t think I’m controlling in my home but who knows? Maybe DIL feels that way about me as DS feels about her mother. At any rate these visits are infrequent, so far about one night a year at our home and one time a year for 1-2 nights at DS/DIL home. We live a 3-hour drive from them, and we see DS more frequently (about once every 6 weeks) in both places without DIL as she has been on work travel fairly often. With infant DGS, her schedule may change, it’s unclear. I’m happy to visit them at their home, my DM was always very anxious for people to visit her at her home which made me uncomfortable, since to me the important thing is to be together and the location is secondary. But it was very important to DM, so we went along.  

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As a general rule, I'd rather address something in private, as embarrassing someone rarely leads to good things.

However, there are some things that I'll call out, on the spot. Racism, verbal abuse, misogyny, homophobia are the ones that spring immediately to mind. I don't yell, don't swear, don't call names, but I absolutely *do* make my objections known, politely and firmly.

And then invite them to leave. Immediately.

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12 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

As a general rule, I'd rather address something in private, as embarrassing someone rarely leads to good things.

However, there are some things that I'll call out, on the spot. Racism, verbal abuse, misogyny, homophobia are the ones that spring immediately to mind. I don't yell, don't swear, don't call names, but I absolutely *do* make my objections known, politely and firmly.

And then invite them to leave. Immediately.

Yes- That ^ right there is addressing the behavior of guests in ones home- Sometimes it's done privately and sometimes on the spot-

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If a guest wished to be with their cell phone or device throughout dinner, I wouldn't mind- None of my business- But if they even spoke so much as a word later in the day, in my presence, that they really miss this or that guest who already left and they paid no attention to? I'd speak my mind- I wouldn't be mean, but I wouldn't be shy either- 

Edited by Komorebi
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Also, as a guest, when someone is being horrid? "And on that note, I/we need to leave." Yes, I've done it, and no, I don't regret it for a moment. 10/10, will do again.

The only thing I regret is the too many times I was more concerned with being a 'good guest' than standing up for myself. Like the time Wolf's aunt went on, at length, as to why it was 'so wrong' that Tazzie was a blonde, blue eyed baby, when Wolf's 'so dark'. Seriously, over an hour of it. Even with Wolf reminding her that his birth father was a blue eyed blonde, Swedish/Norwegian man. It wasn't until I offered to draw a chart and explain basic human genetics and inheritance that she stopped.

Even then, on the way home, I looked at Wolf and said, "Just me, or was she accusing me of messing around on you, and that Tazzie's not yours?" His response? "That's exactly what she was saying."

To add insult to injury, MIL was sitting beside her, nodding. *sigh* (We found out later that aunt was actually repeating what MIL had been saying to her). 

I was more concerned about not being rude, or hurting anyone's feelings, that I put up with that.

Never again. 

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My PGM was 4-11, black hair/black eyes (Welsh)..PGF was 6-3 sandy blond hair/blue eyes...They had 8 of strangest looking kids you ever saw...No two had the same hair/eye combination. 3 blonds, 2 brunettes, 2 redheads and one jet black. 4 brown eyes, 1 blue, 1 green, 1 gray, 1 black... 2 boys over 6ft, 2 average, 1 short...1 4-11 girl, 1 5-7 the other 5-6...Yet looking at them all together they look like siblings.

Wolf's aunt is the saddest flying monkey ever....

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5 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

My PGM was 4-11, black hair/black eyes (Welsh)..PGF was 6-3 sandy blond hair/blue eyes...They had 8 of strangest looking kids you ever saw...No two had the same hair/eye combination. 3 blonds, 2 brunettes, 2 redheads and one jet black. 4 brown eyes, 1 blue, 1 green, 1 gray, 1 black... 2 boys over 6ft, 2 average, 1 short...1 4-11 girl, 1 5-7 the other 5-6...Yet looking at them all together they look like siblings.

Wolf's aunt is the saddest flying monkey ever....

Wolf's refused to have anything to do with her since. Tazzie turns 13 in Feb.

With his parents (Swedish/Norwegian and First Nations/French) and my mongrel Canadian, we figured that the ONLY thing we couldn't have was a red head...til it was pointed out that my Grandma's brother was a flaming red head, LOL

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To answer the OP question directly - yes.   Your home, your rules.  At the same time though, it's important to be tolerant, patient and a good host.   So there is a balance to be made.

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