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Mryan33880

Grandchild cuts off grandparent

45 posts in this topic

On 11/4/2017 at 0:31 PM, RoseRed135 said:

Yes, posters here can call a non-member a negative/pejorative name. They may, of course, get some unpleasant reactions if they do. But It's only a vio if the name is directed at or said about a member.

 

That's funny, Rose- I hadn't noticed that .. :) 

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3 hours ago, homeygfunk said:

My daughter used to tell me to stop yelling at her. I told her it wasn't the volume in my voice she didn't like it was the tone.

My DGC often accuse me of "yelling" when I'm just speaking sternly.

But Mryan didn't deny yelling at him. So IDK if this^^^ is what happened here.

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7 hours ago, skipped said:

I have problems with people using the "nuclear option"- I'm going to cut you off- if I do something that displeases them.  Imagine living with a husband that threatens to divorce you if you have an argument.  "yelling" in itself, unless there is something else going on, doesn't sound cut off worthy to me

Especially, if this is a one time offense

 

Voices raised in anger can provoke an anxiety attack for me, fight or flight response, when it's adults (kids don't bother me, which makes sense for my history).

So, yeah, for *me* it's a no fly zone. I won't put myself through that.

 

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I might apologize for raising my voice.  I would however let GS know that I did not appreciate the condition in which my things were returned.  If it is totally ruined, I would also ask him to replace it.  I would let him know that trust and respect is a two way street and that I am offended also and they he owes me an apology.  But then again, I have never and will never be held hostage to my children, FOO, friends, etc.  You teach people how to treat you.  If they would cut off the relationship that quickly, then it was not a great relationship to begin with.  Also get your locks changed.  

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On 11/2/2017 at 7:58 AM, Mryan33880 said:

. He said that I had a point about the life jacket but because I had raised my voice it didn't matter what he had done wrong. I wasn't ******** allowed to do that EVER if I wanted a relationship with him. Wouldn't matter if I was the Pope. If I yell he won't have anything to do with me because I disrespected him.

 

23 hours ago, skipped said:

I have problems with people using the "nuclear option"- I'm going to cut you off- if I do something that displeases them.  Imagine living with a husband that threatens to divorce you if you have an argument. 

 

 

10 hours ago, FreeGirl said:

.  You teach people how to treat you.  If they would cut off the relationship that quickly, then it was not a great relationship to begin with.  

These 3 comments together have raised new questions in my mind. Don't wish to hijack so creating a spinoff thread:

 

 

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Sorry I was away experiencing the birth of my new grand niece. Wonderful experience!

As for GS - I never yelled at him. If I ever yell at someone there would be absolutely no question as to whether it happened. Probably raised my voice. (I live with my husband who is very close to being deaf even with his hearing aids - so I am loud to begin with) Nor did I say "you are a liar".  In my experience a lot of kids say they have need yelled at when in reality they were just told something they didn't want to hear.

My husband & I have a lot of "toys" which we live to share with our kids & GKs. We can afford them - they can't. Some are big toys (toy hauler, boat, paddle board, kayak etc). The rule is don't borrow it if you can't afford to fix it if you break it. We don't loan our boat because none of them would be able to afford to fix it. The jacket was the first thing he had taken and brought back in bad condition. He did offer to replace it. I told him that wasn't necessary this time. It was dirt not broken. But I did make the point of what was expected in the future - ask, return in good shape.

I think he was deflecting back on me. 

Interesting thing is I found out on Sat that he has been ok with me - not mad anymore & not fretting that I had "called him a liar". Just not around because (as was pointed out) he is a 20 year old & other things have a higher priority than GP. Which is fine - grew up with 2 brothers- kno how that works.  Sooo it seems his mom my D is the one that seems to have the problem about it. That is a whole other story that I'm working on.

I really appreciate all of the comments and concern. It was all helpful. Always good to get another perspective about what is going on. I know there are a lot of things that I have probably done wrong as a parent & GP. I'm plowing forward hoping to improve as I go.

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2 hours ago, Mryan33880 said:

Sorry I was away experiencing the birth of my new grand niece. Wonderful experience!

As for GS - I never yelled at him. If I ever yell at someone there would be absolutely no question as to whether it happened. Probably raised my voice. (I live with my husband who is very close to being deaf even with his hearing aids - so I am loud to begin with) Nor did I say "you are a liar".  In my experience a lot of kids say they have need yelled at when in reality they were just told something they didn't want to hear.

My husband & I have a lot of "toys" which we live to share with our kids & GKs. We can afford them - they can't. Some are big toys (toy hauler, boat, paddle board, kayak etc). The rule is don't borrow it if you can't afford to fix it if you break it. We don't loan our boat because none of them would be able to afford to fix it. The jacket was the first thing he had taken and brought back in bad condition. He did offer to replace it. I told him that wasn't necessary this time. It was dirt not broken. But I did make the point of what was expected in the future - ask, return in good shape.

I think he was deflecting back on me. 

Interesting thing is I found out on Sat that he has been ok with me - not mad anymore & not fretting that I had "called him a liar". Just not around because (as was pointed out) he is a 20 year old & other things have a higher priority than GP. Which is fine - grew up with 2 brothers- kno how that works.  Sooo it seems his mom my D is the one that seems to have the problem about it. That is a whole other story that I'm working on.

I really appreciate all of the comments and concern. It was all helpful. Always good to get another perspective about what is going on. I know there are a lot of things that I have probably done wrong as a parent & GP. I'm plowing forward hoping to improve as I go.

Congratulations on the new "grand niece," Mryan! Cool that her arrival was a "Wonderful experience" for you!

Thanks for filling us in further regarding GS! Now we have a clearer picture of what happened.The raised voice may have seemed like yelling to him. And the questioning might have appeared to him to be a way of "(calling) him a liar." But, mostly, I agree he was "deflecting" when he made his complaints... sigh... Probably b/c he felt guilty about a number of things, including taking the jacket w/o asking in the first place.

I'm glad GS offered to replace the jacket, even though you felt it wasn't necessary. It seems he did a number of things wrong here, though - sneaking the jacket away and then, more or less, sneaking it back, not returning it immediately, lying about having it (unless he really "forgot") and trying to shift focus to his innocent sister, and failing to clean the stain before returning the jacket.

Wow. I feel as if one mistake led to another - secretly took jacket, then got stain on it, so put off returning it, etc. I hope he has learned a lot from this episode.

I'm glad you let him know what's expected from now on. I hope the "lesson" sticks.

Glad he's "not mad anymore" and has just been busy. (IMO, he's lucky you're not angry either.) Sorry, though, that there are still issues between you and D. Please feel free to tell us more about that if you wish. Perhaps posters here can help.

Glad, too, that you appreciate our comments. And, of course, you may have done some things "wrong" as "a parent & GP." Haven't we all? :)

Edited by RoseRed135

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3 hours ago, Mryan33880 said:

I know there are a lot of things that I have probably done wrong as a parent & GP. I'm plowing forward hoping to improve as I go.

Welcome to my world. Even though I'm very proud of how my kids turned out and they are all doing an excellent job of raising their own kids, I'm sure there are things I coulda/shoulda done differently. Human nature, I think.

Your 20yo is still immature, which I'm sure is what caused his reaction TO GETTING CAUGHT like a child. Nice he's over it and you're over it...and your DD is protecting her little boy from his mean ol' granny....I hope she get's over it too...

Congrats on the new niece...I just got a new grandniece as well...I get to meet her at Christmas. 

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I recently had a conversation with my oldest dd, who is 19, regarding what being an adult means. There is a lot of press these days about how the human brain doesn't mature until X age. Honestly, I have a ton of issues with making such a big deal out of this, even it is is true. Why? Because we are looking at a generation who has already to some extent become incredibly (generalization here) entitled to begin with. By telling them, "oh and hey, by the way, your brain doesn't mature until you are 26 (or whatever the latest is) so you know, you can't really be held responsible for your choices until then..."

Now I recognize that they aren't really saying this. BUT, we really are looking at a generation who, in large numbers are not becoming adults the way generations before have done. A generation who can remain on their parents' insurance until age 26 in the US. I think we send them hugely mixed messages that say the following:

1. You are an adult at age 18 - which is when they claim it for purposes of 'freedom' lol.

2. You can serve your country in the military at age 18 - translation - you are old enough to die for your country at age 18....but

3. You can't drink until you are 21 - so...you know...you can vote and die for your country but don't you dare drink!

4. You can't rent a hotel room until you are 25....so you can vote and die for your country and drink now...but we won't rent you a hotel room just yet.

5. And none of that really matters because your brain doesn't really mature until around age 26 anyway...so REALLY you aren't ready for ANY of these things yet....

I call BS. A 20 year old person is old enough to know that when you borrow something, you ask permission and you return it in the same condition in which you found it. If they aren't old enough to respect someone else's property, they shouldn't borrow it. And I can promise you that if you borrow something from that same 20 year old, they KNOW if you ask permission to borrow it and if you return it as you found it. They are old enough to FEEL disrespected if you don't respect them and/or their property, so they are old enough to do the same for others.

That being said, honestly, there is a line being drawn in the sand here. If he lied, for the purposes of your situation, he is indeed a liar. If he has a history of this behavior, he's a liar. I've told my kids, things go much easier if you just tell me the truth up front. You will face consequences, but the consequences double if you lie to me and then I find out that you not only DID what I thought you did, but you also lied about it.

I'm not a grandparent yet, but as a parent, I do hate when my kids give me the silent treatment when they are trying to prove a point. But the reality is that they need me a lot more than I need them. I LOVE them with all of my heart. But they are more likely to come around much sooner because they need what I have lol. 

I guess this boils down to the relationship and how much wiggle room already exists. Several years ago my mom made a comment to oldest DD that was out of line and none of her business. While DD was not yet an "adult" by any standard, DD was very hurt and didn't want to talk to my mom for a while. I can't say I blamed her. Mom asked me why DD wasn't talking to her and I told her exactly why. That she had hurt her feelings and owed her an apology. Mom felt at first that she was just being a good grandmother and trying to help. I asked her if she would have said to one of her friends what she said to DD. It was like a light bulb came on, and she did end up apologizing to her. The relationship was quickly mended.

If your DD is demanding or requiring an apology for her son, maybe the issue isn't just with grandson. I don't always stand with my kids against my mom. If they've done something wrong and we all know it, I make them follow through with the consequences of their actions. But if my mom is out of line, or my FIL or my grandmother, I will stand up for my kid.

Is there any kind of issue between you and your DD that she might use the situation with your grandson to prove a point? Of is she feeling attacked or undermined as a parent because she knows son is wrong and can't do anything about it? It sounds like she is playing peacemaker and you are the one that she can get to change their mind more easily. Frankly, he's 20 years old. What happened is between you and him. Mom shouldn't even be in the middle of an adult-to-adult interaction now.

 

 

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On a similar note our 11 year old DGS has decided he didn’t like the way Grampa was treating his Dad and stepmom. Long long story there. IMHO it was well deserved. Now DGS has decided he wants nothing to do with Grampa and is on the fence about me because I didn’t stand up for his dad. What, if anything, can we do?

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Find a way to explain to GS that the relationship between DS/xH is not yours to control. Standing up for DS would most likely have accomplished nothing. How old is GS?

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Mame25 - DGS is a precocious 11 years old. IF we could talk with him yes we would explain. He doesn’t want to talk to DH and is not sure about me. His Dad has told him just because Grampa and Dad don’t get along doesn’t mean DGS and DH can’t have the same warm loving relationship they’ve had since birth.

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If DGS father doesn't approve of a relationship between his father and his son, it probably won't be the same.

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Sue is correct...your DS is the key to making this work. I'm hoping he's adult enough to put his son's interest's first

 

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54 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

On a similar note our 11 year old DGS has decided he didn’t like the way Grampa was treating his Dad and stepmom. Long long story there. IMHO it was well deserved. Now DGS has decided he wants nothing to do with Grampa and is on the fence about me because I didn’t stand up for his dad. What, if anything, can we do?

I think your DGS is pretty mature, by the sounds of it. And he's not wrong to be upset w/you for not standing up for his dad.

The best you can do is work on the relationship w/your DS. It'll improve, or it won't, but I suspect that your DGS will be cautious for a long time to come.

Also begs the question as to why it took your DGS to be unhappy about it for you to consider a change.

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Some folks do stuff just because it's a challenge, they like to keep trying even if they get hurt every time- I used to love to watch Johnny Knoxville / Jackass religiously- The show isn't much different than watching someone who is preoccupied with trying to jump through moving hoops to keep people in their lives even if they get hurt every time-

 

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5 hours ago, annierobyn said:

Mame25 - DGS is a precocious 11 years old. IF we could talk with him yes we would explain. He doesn’t want to talk to DH and is not sure about me. His Dad has told him just because Grampa and Dad don’t get along doesn’t mean DGS and DH can’t have the same warm loving relationship they’ve had since birth.

Let me see if I understand this... DS is encouraging DGS to continue to have a relationship w/ DH. But DGS still doesn't want to. Is that correct?

I'm glad DS feels that it's ok for DGS to still have a relationship w/ DH, despite the adult conflicts. But I'm afraid he (& DIL) have probably talked too much in front of DGS about their issues w/ DH - and maybe about their belief that you should have stood up for DS.

Or maybe DGS just thought of these things on his own, being aware of the tensions. Some kids feel they have to take a side, and, IMO, it's very natural for them to choose their parents.

Also, since he's a "precocious child," he may be beginning to rebel a little. And though I'm sure he doesn't think about it this way, you two may be a sort of "safe" target, as you're not his parents.

Regardless, so sorry about this! Is there any way DH can fix his relationship w/ DS & DIL? That's the only way, IMO, DGS will come around.

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2 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Let me see if I understand this... DS is encouraging DGS to continue to have a relationship w/ DH. But DGS still doesn't want to. Is that correct?

I'm glad DS feels that it's ok for DGS to still have a relationship w/ DH, despite the adult conflicts. But I'm afraid he (& DIL) have probably talked too much in front of DGS about their issues w/ DH - and maybe about their belief that you should have stood up for DS.

Or maybe DGS just thought of these things on his own, being aware of the tensions. Some kids feel they have to take a side, and, IMO, it's very natural for them to choose their parents.

Also, since he's a "precocious child," he may be beginning to rebel a little. And though I'm sure he doesn't think about it this way, you two may be a sort of "safe" target, as you're not his parents.

Regardless, so sorry about this! Is there any way DH can fix his relationship w/ DS & DIL? That's the only way, IMO, DGS will come around.

I don't know. Annie herself says it's well deserved. I suspect that DGS has witnessed, first hand, some unpleasant behaviour towards his dad and stepmother.

I still wonder, though, since Annie was aware of it, and said she thought DGS complaint was well deserved, why it's taken until now to be addressed. Has the AC and his wife not objected, ever? 

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SueSTx - Mame - DS said his son CAN have a relationship with Grampa

ImpishMom - I did not stand up for my son because he was in the wrong. Not sure what you mean by “considering a change.”

Komorebi - you are correct. That’s me trying every time and getting hurt. He’s my son, he’s faaaaammmmiiillly, but I am slowly coming to terms with that.

Rosered 135 - you are spot on in what you said about too much negative discussion in front of DGS. I believe good parenting involves not badmouthing someone in front of a child.  Of course his loyalty’s are with his Dad and stepmom. As they should be. Sadly DGS is being raised to be a “wound counter” alwayings placing emphasis  on the negative and completely ignoring  all the positives. Of course kids do this. They are kids. Adults should know better. Sadly no way DS and DH can mend their relationship. That ship has sailed.

ImpishMom - sorry for the misunderstanding...My DH calling out DS was well deserved. Not the other way around. This is an ongoing issue. If you’d like to you can read the entire soap opera on this site.

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Thank you, Annie, for answering all our questions.

But this is Mryan's thread, so I've created a more general spinoff:

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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