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RoseRed135

Unload!

19 posts in this topic

In the "Passive Aggression" thread in MIL Anon, Julia mentioned the need to vent. So it occurred to me that. perhaps, it's time to open a new "vent" thread. Here goes...

Maybe DH (dear husband)/DW (dear wife)/SO (significant other) left the cap off the toothpaste again. Or your DS (dear son) or DD was rude to you. Or the dog tracked muddy paw prints all over the kitchen floor, Or you're overloaded at work and have a ton of stuff  you'll have to finish over the weekend - again. Or you can't stand the way DIL criticizes DS. Or the way MIL gossips to you about other family members. Or...

However "big" or "small," what's bothering you today?

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It's taken my husband a long time to understand that if I vent he does not need to analyze it and solve it .  Just having a safe place or person to vent is wonderful. 

I am finding it hard to be in limbo as we prepare the house to move out of state. been in this position before as we've moved several times but this time until my husband retires at the end of the year we are waiting. 

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3 hours ago, pearlj said:

I am finding it hard to be in limbo as we prepare the house to move out of state. been in this position before as we've moved several times but this time until my husband retires at the end of the year we are waiting. 

I hear that! I'm in the process of decluttering and finishing cleaning out my late DH's stuff...and the man had stuff! I do have a plan (my plan is a thread of it's own in General Gabbery), please feel free to join us there. It is a real process. I've lived in this house nearly 34 years, he's been gone nearly 3. The end result is to have the house completely turned from "we" to "me". 

I try to do some everyday, not always successful, as I still do sub work in school libraries. And I have stuff going on in 4 rooms at the same time...probably not my smartest move, but I see progress everyday.

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Yes, I need to vent! Do all kids ("tween"-age) hide away in their rooms all the time? I live three hours away and when I visit I hardly get to see them. I didn't have grandparents when I was their age so I don't know how I would've acted, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me stay in the room and visit with grandma for awhile. Sometimes I get there and find out they're spending the weekend at a friend's house,and I don't see them at all. They knew I was coming. Makes me feel like they don't care if I come to visit or not.  Am I wrong to have hurt feelings?

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4 hours ago, ellymae said:

 Am I wrong to have hurt feelings?

It depends. ETA: Try to avoid getting upset while giving your GC time and space to grow beyond this phase.

Are you invited to visit? Or do you self-invite? Do you say "I am coming over on day x?"  How often do you visit? Do they visit you at your place? How old are these kiddies? How many kiddies live in the home 3 hrs away?

Our loads of GC are 14 years to less than a month old. Some glue themselves to us. Some not quite as much - they have hormones gone nuts, homework, multiple activities, need lots of exercise, time with friends, are confused, and did I say hormonal? Sometimes GPs may have to play second fiddle to all the other distractions, I think. And next I know they are crawling all over me - I'm sure they are as confused as any grandmother (or at least this grandma). ETA: Grant grace, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Edited by JanelleK
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11 hours ago, ellymae said:

Yes, I need to vent! Do all kids ("tween"-age) hide away in their rooms all the time? I live three hours away and when I visit I hardly get to see them. I didn't have grandparents when I was their age so I don't know how I would've acted, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me stay in the room and visit with grandma for awhile. Sometimes I get there and find out they're spending the weekend at a friend's house,and I don't see them at all. They knew I was coming. Makes me feel like they don't care if I come to visit or not.  Am I wrong to have hurt feelings?

Welcome ellymae! So sorry you're hurting, but glad you brought your concerns to us! (((Hugs!)))

If it's any comfort, it's not unusual for GP (grandparent)/GC  (grandchild) relationships to change during the "tween" years, even during visits. They're not as likely to be as interested in us GPs as they might once have been. We've heard about this on these boards before, and I've heard about it IRL (in real life), as well.

When my DDs (dear daughters) were growing up, my PILs (parents-in-law) visited about once a week. As little girls, my DDs looked forward to these visits, but as they got older, they began to want to spend more time w/ their friends or joined new activities that interfered w/ my ILs usual visiting time. DH (dear husband) and I didn't want to curtail their social life/activities. Plus, we were concerned they might resent their GPs if they had to turn down an invite, etc. "b/c of" their GPs. So we allowed them to make other plans, even though it meant the GPs wouldn't see one or both of them. Perhaps your grands' parents feel the same way.

Granted, they never "(hid) away in their rooms" if they were home when my ILs came. Nor do I think DH and I would have allowed it. But some tweens, like some teens, can be moody. The parents may be afraid that their "hideaway" tweens would just be cranky and/or sullen if they insisted they come out and visit. IOWs, they may be trying to spare you their moody kids.

I watch my own DGC several times a week, and I can already see a change coming in my DGD who is nearing that age. Where she used to want to be w/ me almost every minute, now, often it's, "I'll be in my room, Gramma"... ohhh...

Am I wrong to have hurt feelings?

No, I don't think so. First, you can't necessarily help how you feel. Secondly, IMO, it's "normal" for you (general) to feel a little rebuffed if someone stays holed away in their room for much of your visit. I just hope it will lessen the hurt if you realize that this behavior, very likely, has nothing to do w/ you and just about everything to do w/ their age/stage of life, etc.

 

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135
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2 hours ago, ellymae said:

Yes, I need to vent! Do all kids ("tween"-age) hide away in their rooms all the time? I live three hours away and when I visit I hardly get to see them. I didn't have grandparents when I was their age so I don't know how I would've acted, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me stay in the room and visit with grandma for awhile. Sometimes I get there and find out they're spending the weekend at a friend's house,and I don't see them at all. They knew I was coming. Makes me feel like they don't care if I come to visit or not.  Am I wrong to have hurt feelings?

I think it is pretty common for tweens/teens to hide out. I think it also depends on if they were taught to interact with company/family vs told to stay in their rooms. What is the family policy on guests in the house, yes, even family. Is it expected or not so much? How is the relationship, which changes a lot during the tween/teen years as they (tweens/teens) are trying to figure out their place in the big scheme of things-life. Friends become more important than family, if allowed. I think they don't think about death for family members like say an 80 year old who is losing loved ones left and right. They think parents/siblings/family will always be there. So, no, you are not wrong to have hurt feelings, but try to remember kids now are socially awkward if they mostly have "online" relationships and not personable relationships.

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I have one GD who started high school this year.  I haven't hardly heard from or saw her since school started and she lives only 30 minutes away.  Both parents work and she is enjoying being very active at school.  She did spend two separate weeks with us during the summer and stayed right next to me the whole time.  I really expect that she will want to spend time with us at Christmas.

I don't have expectations on my AC and their families because listening to their plans/schedules for the weekends ware me out.

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10 hours ago, ellymae said:

Yes, I need to vent! Do all kids ("tween"-age) hide away in their rooms all the time? I live three hours away and when I visit I hardly get to see them. I didn't have grandparents when I was their age so I don't know how I would've acted, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me stay in the room and visit with grandma for awhile. Sometimes I get there and find out they're spending the weekend at a friend's house,and I don't see them at all. They knew I was coming. Makes me feel like they don't care if I come to visit or not.  Am I wrong to have hurt feelings?

They're growing up, doing their own thing. I don't force my kids to visit any more than I would force them to hug someone. I ask them to say hello, and greet the visitor at some point, but that's as far as I go.

Forcing a kid to visit just makes them resent the visitor.

 

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Your GC are growing up, they have new interests, this is normal. Enjoy the time you are visiting to have adult conversations with your AC/CIL Kids there days are very involved in all kind of activities .  Ask the adults what the GC's interest are so when they come out of hiding you have something to talk to then about. Maybe even send GC a quick note between visits. Something like I just heard that new song by.........(insert artist) I liked it, are there another songs they sing? Hope you can tell me about them next time I visit or I hear there's a new movie about..........(insert title) did you see it yet. If your GC is into technology you can always ask them to show you how to do something like download pictures or another computer task.  By asking in advance GC will know you are coming , understand you are interested in them and can have a chance to share their knowledge with you.

My GDG is a tween I commented in another post how a hardly ever see her, she lives 5 minutes from me and I use to see her almost everyday. I know your hurt but try not to take it personally.

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All 9GK greet me on arrival, share the meal with the group and are in/out the rest of the time...and always see me out the door...at this point I can and am satisfied with that. Sometimes the girlies will take me into their room to do their hair (DIL has a heavy hand with a hairbrush apparently LOL). If I am there around bedtime for the littles, I get to do the story...with 4 barnacles attached to me (5yo is the self appointed page turner, he sits attached to my side) and a loiterer (10yo stays within ear shot, but "doing" something else). 

Two of my GB are 10...they on the tablets or outside unless its mealtime. I get 1-2 minutes alone with each just about every visit, and in a group our size, that's pretty good, even if it's just sitting next to one of them in that group. The quick connection builds trust.

Here's what I started with #1GB, who I've seen the most over the years. It might explain why they are happy to see me:

1. I'm so happy to see you!

2. I've missed you so much

3. I have just got to kiss that face! (my spectrum 10yo especially...giving & receiving affection is very difficult)...he never avoids me, just grins & takes it. (Sometimes I leave a lipstick print on his forehead...)

The littles fly into my arms...the 10yos grin & bear it...the 13yo are more openly affectionate...#1GB is a cuddler and apparently I'm a safe port in his storm.

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19 hours ago, ellymae said:

Yes, I need to vent! Do all kids ("tween"-age) hide away in their rooms all the time? I live three hours away and when I visit I hardly get to see them. I didn't have grandparents when I was their age so I don't know how I would've acted, but I'm pretty sure my parents would've made me stay in the room and visit with grandma for awhile. Sometimes I get there and find out they're spending the weekend at a friend's house,and I don't see them at all. They knew I was coming. Makes me feel like they don't care if I come to visit or not.  Am I wrong to have hurt feelings?

Please, please don't take it personally.  I have 3 teenage DD's and let me tell you, you cannot compete with social media, friends or tv.  Teens have little to no interest in listening to grown folks conversations that do not interest them, hanging out with Grands for more than a minute or making small talk when they don't know what to say. As long as they say hello and good-bye with out a frown then you're all good.

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We tend to be a "dinner family".  Time of day that everyone can sit, eat, relax and talk about what is going on.  I would suggest to my children that they make themselves available for their grandfather (since passed) or many of my friends who are like their aunts and uncles (who are very good to them and can at least expect to see them for awhile at a meal).  

Edited by FreeGirl
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Thanks for all the replies. I do understand that the GC are growing up and their behavior is normal... and when they grow up even more they will start coming around again. I won't take it personally, but I sure do miss the interaction for now!

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Was at a meeting recently where an event had been scheduled a week prior. It was announced RSVP required. No one RSVP'd so we (my family) did not put on event. At the meeting, a gal said she and one other person showed up and tried to contact us. It was brought up at the meeting as having been "cancelled" but no one was contacted about it being cancelled. Ummmm, it was NOT cancelled, no one RSVP'd. We (my family) has put on event in the past, usually hit and miss, so rather than waste our time, energy, resources, fuel, money, we began stating RSVP is REQUIRED. I guess over the last several months the one person who complained did not pay attention to the details of the event. BUT she had the nerve to ask me, at the meeting, "Well don't you have my email address?" WTF? Am I a mind reader and was just supposed to know YOU were going to show up, NOPE! Besides, when this particular person shows up, it is still a waste of time, energy, money, etc. because she never finishes the project. She gives up about a half hour after the event begins.

Not sure how else to deal with folks who refuse to RSVP but maybe she learned her lesson and will in the future. One can hope. The other person never said a word about it as he didn't RSVP either but he wasn't at the meeting complaining either.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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Our ODS text my husband that his big boys wanted to go to the movie at the movieplex - he was going to take them, but something in his business exploded. Can my husband, please? No, sorry, he is busy. Can Mom, pleeese? No, sorry, she is helping Dad. Can we take them tomorrow after Church, pleeeeeeeese? No, sorry, we're attending Church tonight and busy all day Sunday (until Thanksgiving - same project).
 
Whats up with assuming GPs have nothing to do other than haul kids? And why be so pushy about it?
 
I think it must be "Chinese year of the Brats" because 4 of our 5AC qualify and are on my last nerve.
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16 week semester cramed into 13. Thanks Hurricane Harvey I am in my next to last semester. .   DGD2 (now I am raising) has so many activities between now and Christmas.   DM has become demanding (I get it she is alone).  My side gigs are stretching me thin and no money rolls in until completion.   I am exhausted. Plus school has their hand out constantly. 

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1 hour ago, JanelleK said:
Our ODS text my husband that his big boys wanted to go to the movie at the movieplex - he was going to take them, but something in his business exploded. Can my husband, please? No, sorry, he is busy. Can Mom, pleeese? No, sorry, she is helping Dad. Can we take them tomorrow after Church, pleeeeeeeese? No, sorry, we're attending Church tonight and busy all day Sunday (until Thanksgiving - same project).
 
Whats up with assuming GPs have nothing to do other than haul kids? And why be so pushy about it?
 
I think it must be "Chinese year of the Brats" because 4 of our 5AC qualify and are on my last nerve.

And who says their kids can't be disappointed sometimes? Especially when a parent has an emergency and it can't be helped? It's not as if ODS just decided to blow the movie plans off.

Don't get me wrong. I always tried to go through w/ what I said to my kids, even if I didn't feel like it in the moment. And I'm the same w/ my DGC. But sometimes things happen that are beyond our control - like the explosion in ODS' business. Kids have to learn to roll w/ these punches, IMO - it's part of learning to cope w/ the ups and downs of life. Or, at least, that's how I see it.

Meanwhile, sorry your AC are bugging you so much this year, Janelle (well, 4 of them, anyhow). Hope they ease up in 2018!

Edited by RoseRed135
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22 minutes ago, nonna23 said:

16 week semester cramed into 13. Thanks Hurricane Harvey I am in my next to last semester. .   DGD2 (now I am raising) has so many activities between now and Christmas.   DM has become demanding (I get it she is alone).  My side gigs are stretching me thin and no money rolls in until completion.   I am exhausted. Plus school has their hand out constantly. 

Whew! So sorry, nonna! Sounds like you're under a lot of pressure! (((Hugs!)))

But wait... you're raising one of your DGC now? If you don't mind saying, how did this come about?

Edited by RoseRed135

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