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RoseRed135

S/O of "Grandchild cuts off grandparent" - Is the CO now being used as a weapon?

10 posts in this topic

In the "Grandchild cuts off grandparent" thread here in this forum, Mryan tells us that he 20-yr-old GS informed her that she can't have a relationship w/ him if she yells at him. Both skipped and Freegirl questioned his using the "nuclear option" that easily/allegedly after one incident.

So now I'm wondering, have we gotten to a point where some people just use CO/the threat of CO to get their way? Or is it just about more people today finding the courage to stand up for themselves and say, in effect, "I won't take this?" Or ??

Edited by RoseRed135

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I think this is used as a threat to get someone "back in line"...I'm not so easily threatened. And my kids aren't likely to go in that direction even in the most difficult circumstances. 

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2 hours ago, Mame925 said:

I think this is used as a threat to get someone "back in line"...I'm not so easily threatened. And my kids aren't likely to go in that direction even in the most difficult circumstances. 

6 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

In the "Grandchild cuts off grandparent" thread here in this forum, Mryan tells us that he 20-yr-old GS informed her that she can't have a relationship w/ him if she yells at him. Both skipped and Freegirl questioned his using the "nuclear option" that easily/allegedly after one incident.

So now I'm wondering, have we gotten to a point where some people just use CO/the threat of CO to get their way? Or is it just about more people today finding the courage to stand up for themselves and say, in effect, "I won't take this?" Or ??

There are always those who use CO or another version of it as a control tactic/punishment.

Little kids do it. "If you don't ____, I'm not going to be your friend!"

Others do it, be it CO, threats of being disinherited, being divorced, kicked out of the house, running away. The list goes on, but when such 'nuclear' options are pulled out at the first conflict, it's often to do with one person w/a control issue and the other with signs of a growing spine. Some folks go even further, with threats of violence/suicide.

However, I also find, "I cannot have a relationship w/someone that does ____." can mean exactly that, and is used as a strong boundary. "I cannot have a relationship w/someone that says racist/homophobic/misogynist things." "I cannot have a relationship with someone who yells at me when they're angry." "I cannot have a relationship with someone who threatens to become violent when they're angry." "I cannot have a relationship with an active addict." 

The question as to if it's being used as a bullying tactic, or as an indication of a boundary, I suspect depends on the history of the relationship, the nature in which it was said, and the results. 

 

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1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

The question as to if it's being used as a bullying tactic, or as an indication of a boundary, I suspect depends on the history of the relationship, the nature in which it was said, and the results.

I think this is it exactly and I am sure there are people who do use a CO as a form or punishment or a threat and because of the severity of my own situation I do not agree with this tactic at all. 

Initially we warned MIL that if she did not listen to our wishes regarding our son, that we would chose NC and to CO all ties with her...it was bounary enforcement to us, but maybe she thought this was a threat, but from us it was a statement of the consequnces should she continue to disregard all our wishes... and so eventually the consequences became fact...

To this day MIL also believes that we have CO her and this is a punishment.... Nothing could be further from the truth, it is for the well-being and saftey of our son (and our family) that we cut all ties with her.  Honestly we are not even mad at her, we just do not agree with her total disregard for our wishes, we know she will never change, and we accept that and so we chose not to associate with her...

 

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21 minutes ago, Tobias41 said:

I think this is it exactly and I am sure there are people who do use a CO as a form or punishment or a threat and because of the severity of my own situation I do not agree with this tactic at all. 

Initially we warned MIL that if she did not listen to our wishes regarding our son, that we would chose NC and to CO all ties with her...it was bounary enforcement to us, but maybe she thought this was a threat, but from us it was a statement of the consequnces should she continue to disregard all our wishes... and so eventually the consequences became fact...

To this day MIL also believes that we have CO her and this is a punishment.... Nothing could be further from the truth, it is for the well-being and saftey of our son (and our family) that we cut all ties with her.  Honestly we are not even mad at her, we just do not agree with her total disregard for our wishes, we know she will never change, and we accept that and so we chose not to associate with her...

 

I once explained it as, "I'm not doing this to HER. I'm doing this for ME."

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Ok, I can honestly say that all but one of my FIL's grandchildren would cheerfully cut him off and likely not look back. One of those is mine.  Mine won't do it entirely, because they know how much it would hurt their dad. My youngest isn't to that point yet, but she's close. A lot of it is because he treats them like afterthoughts. As if they are not important unless it somehow reflects on him. The saddest part is that he rarely even notices that none of them speak to him. He will ask occasionally about why one of them hasn't spoken to him in a while, but for the most part, he doesn't even notice. Even if they wanted to use it a threat or a way to 'get their way' somehow, I don't think he would notice or care. NOW...if they went to him directly and said "Hey, I'm cutting you off, I can't tolerate your behavior any longer" his first reaction would be defensive, calling us (the parents) out on not raising our children right, telling them that they were disrespectful and owed him respect. Then he would basically forget the conversation even happened, except to constantly remind us (the parents) that our children are out of control.

 

These out of control kids are all straight A students, pursuing degrees (except for our one remaining high schooler, who is a National Honor Society member with dreams to pursue a double degree when she graduates), leading very clean lives (no drugs, very little alcohol for the legals). These are 'good' kids by any standards.  But one negative remark from one and they become worse than the dirt on his shoe as far as he's concerned.  So his likely response would be to tell them they are out of his will, which is an empty threat at best. 

 

To Imp's point, it's more about saving their own sanity rather than punishing their grandfather. 

 

 

Edited by BlueEyedGirl

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Actually my kids just quietly dropped the rope with my mom....and with my full support. She was still notified of significant events and received new pix of the GGK in Christmas cards, but since she lived 7 hours away and was relatively housebound the last few years it was just a courtesy. The last "event" she attended was DS wedding in 2005...she passed in 2015. The last time DD talked with her, Grandma called when xH passed, and this was about 6 months before she passed. Apparently she was frighteningly lucid, but pleasant , a crapshoot on any given day...xH was "always her favorite" so was saddened by his death. 

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1 hour ago, Mame925 said:

Actually my kids just quietly dropped the rope with my mom....and with my full support. She was still notified of significant events and received new pix of the GGK in Christmas cards, but since she lived 7 hours away and was relatively housebound the last few years it was just a courtesy. The last "event" she attended was DS wedding in 2005...she passed in 2015. The last time DD talked with her, Grandma called when xH passed, and this was about 6 months before she passed. Apparently she was frighteningly lucid, but pleasant , a crapshoot on any given day...xH was "always her favorite" so was saddened by his death. 

I agree with this. It seems sensible, to me, to just fade away, silently drop the rope and be done. I don't think CO/rope dropping/fading is a threat, it's taking care of yourself. For ourselves, we have recently faded away/dropped the rope, we don't need any more unhappiness. We have those stupid enablers Tshirts in a variety of year styles, and we're done.

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On 11/6/2017 at 7:05 AM, RoseRed135 said:

In the "Grandchild cuts off grandparent" thread here in this forum, Mryan tells us that he 20-yr-old GS informed her that she can't have a relationship w/ him if she yells at him. Both skipped and Freegirl questioned his using the "nuclear option" that easily/allegedly after one incident.

So now I'm wondering, have we gotten to a point where some people just use CO/the threat of CO to get their way? Or is it just about more people today finding the courage to stand up for themselves and say, in effect, "I won't take this?" Or ??

I think more people are saying I wont take this and more people are using it to get their way- So both- Not to say some people arent doing it simply because its necessary- 

I might "feel" like I need somebody in my life but I dont have to give in to my desire to jump through hoops, if jumping through hoops is whats required, to fulfill that feeling of need- 

 

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On 11/6/2017 at 4:05 AM, RoseRed135 said:

In the "Grandchild cuts off grandparent" thread here in this forum, Mryan tells us that he 20-yr-old GS informed her that she can't have a relationship w/ him if she yells at him. Both skipped and Freegirl questioned his using the "nuclear option" that easily/allegedly after one incident.

So now I'm wondering, have we gotten to a point where some people just use CO/the threat of CO to get their way? Or is it just about more people today finding the courage to stand up for themselves and say, in effect, "I won't take this?" Or ??

I think it's BOTH.

I think often times the threat of a CO is used so one can get their own way and that's nothing new. For us, I am sure MIL used it thinking DH would do something, though I have no idea what she thought he'd do, to get her to stop the CO. It back fired BIG time as there is still no relationship between MIL and DH and it's been years.

I think, too, in this "me, me, me" society we have today, more folks don't put up with much of anything they don't agree with. We've done a disservice in our society by not saying NO and not teaching people coping skills. It's ok for others to have a different opinion than you (general) and you (general) not take offense to it. How do people learn anything if they aren't willing to listen to others' opinions to be able to make an informed decision? How does anyone have a conversation with a teen who thinks they know everything, certainly more than their parents, as most teens seem to think they do know it all (not all teens, of course). Everyone is told NO at one time or another, everyone has gotten into trouble for something, we are all human, we ALL make mistakes. Not everyone is consistently held accountable for their actions though so when someone comes along and calls them on their bad behavior, OH NO, how to deal with it? Many people have no clue because they weren't taught critical life skills. So they continue doing what they've always done and blame the other person for not wanting to put up with them like everyone else has up to that point, so it must be YOU (general).

I will add here since this is a spin off of GC CO GP...GPIL have been CO by our kids, just because of their rude, hurtful behavior years ago. GK still will have nothing to do with GPIL. That is on the GP for being jerks and not apologizing. Every once in a while DH reminds kids "they (GPIL's) are getting older now, blah, blah, blah..." and the response from kids are the same, that might be so but it is NOT MY responsibility to fix their messups. They are still responsible for their own actions, no matter how old they get. No matter how much time has passed. DH has taken to using the terms "not my circus" "not my monkeys" lately so he gets it. First time I heard that from him was an eye opener that he was getting it!

Edited by Cupcake55

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