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GrandNonna

Update on Grandparent Visitation Law IL

58 posts in this topic

2 hours ago, GrandNonna said:

Hello Impish ,

Let me be clear on my concerns that led up to having a P.I. watch. First of all information and knowledge about drugs and abuse are the reason that led to that which was a few years ago . No one is stalking . That words is pretty creepy . When my grandchildren are being baby sat by people who are hardly known . There were no "demands" when I called. The only reason I called was as a concerned parent who knows this person , had what I thought was a civil connection with her , providing out grown baby items and wardrobe to her , etc . There was no anger or harm in my call. I realize that spite can make someone can and will twist a situation out of control which is what has been the threat towards me for petitioning the courts . It started with my GS father , whereas he was the stalking harassing interfering individual with his texts , calls , demands and orders to GET HOME NOW to my daughter and their son.  I am dealing with only one  situation. I love my grandchildren and daughter and hope their future holds healing. It is no secret as my DD told me she indulged in hallucinogens , hanging out with a fellow who was arrested for them , hanging with alot of drinking . When you know what goes on it makes it pretty normal to consider having a P.I. I understand to be cautious I really do . But i also understand that to allege that someone is stalking or harassing you should have some pretty good proof. Aside of the fact that I don't jump the gun and just do these things I gather thoughts and advise from trusted individuals  . In fact some officers and state investigators asked why don't you do a well check ? That is even worse having squad cars show up and knock on doors. I have turned away from some advice that in my opinion is drastic . And the advice came from state reps. I am sorry you feel as you do about this but with the added information I have givin you what if anything would you do? Please don't say call DCFS because those workers really need better intervention skills .  By the way how old are your adult children ? Have you had your rights pulled ?

I have two adult children. I don't understand the question about 'having rights pulled'. Once they're adults, there are no rights over them to be exercised, unless they're living in your home, and then yes, you get to set some rules for the house. I don't believe that being a parent gives lifetime rights over another person, nor their children, so I'm honestly confused by your question.

If you had a civil relationship w/her, then why would you need to track down her private number via the internet?

I understand your concern for your dd and gc. I do. I just don't see where what you're doing is making anything better for you or them, and I think that the situation may be consuming you to a degree that may be leading you close to the edge of unwise decisions and situations that result in legal problems.

She doesn't want to open the door a little. She's an adult, and she gets to make that choice. By pushing, I suspect you're only causing her to weld the door shut and pile furniture against it.

Looking at it from an outsider's perspective: DCFS has investigated. You've been to court. You've been to the police. None of the agencies have agreed that the children are in danger. 

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Hello Impish ,

I guess what I was asking was have you had your adult children alienate you from your grandchildren . I don't think they have and that's a great thing. That was what I meant . So many GP on here have been so I wanted to ask. With the girl who I called , I had her number in an old cell phone that is no longer here to look so I went on and looked found her on linked in and there it was . The situation is a tremendous pain . No one else  was there for DD from conception of my GS and I did alot to help her and I wanted to . She refuses to file for benefits to get child support and I was floored because she lived from hand to mouth .Later when she was running from the father she came back home. He suffers OCD .  The alienation from me , yet not the paternal GP's is devastating . I once spoke to the paternal GP and told her I want our GS to see all of us friendly . Cards sent to her to attend his BD party were thrown away . Dealing with mental illness with the other PGP is very hard . They admit they see a a psychotherapist but are negative individuals . Yes the community all say the same thing. The law has to change and until it does , all of our hands are tied. Even in court the judge said I want to facilitate if she were here I would . But he had due process to ... had to wait to see if she would respond . And even then , only one grandchild who is in that jurisdiction would be discussed. I have to go to another county on my GD and still can only serve the father who resides in that county . What erks me is there was sexual abuse the father knows it . Why on earth does he not object to her being in his care even after it was all over ? Why did he marry someone who causes physical harm to herself ? So many why's ... Thanks for your input sometimes I need a swift kick to chill out . But it is **** hard when they mean so much to me.

Edited by GrandNonna

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16 minutes ago, GrandNonna said:

Hello Impish ,

I guess what I was asking was have you had your adult children alienate you from your grandchildren . I don't think they have and that's a great thing. That was what I meant . So many GP on here have been so I wanted to ask. With the girl who I called , I had her number in an old cell phone that is no longer here to look so I went on and looked found her on linked in and there it was . The situation is a tremendous pain . No one else  was there for DD from conception of my GS and I did alot to help her and I wanted to . She refuses to file for benefits to get child support and I was floored because she lived from hand to mouth .Later when she was running from the father she came back home. He suffers OCD .  The alienation from me , yet not the paternal GP's is devastating . I once spoke to the paternal GP and told her I want our GS to see all of us friendly . Cards sent to her to attend his BD party were thrown away . Dealing with mental illness with the other PGP is very hard . They admit they see a a psychotherapist but are negative individuals . Yes the community all say the same thing. The law has to change and until it does , all of our hands are tied. Even in court the judge said I want to facilitate if she were here I would . But he had due process to ... had to wait to see if she would respond . And even then , only one grandchild who is in that jurisdiction would be discussed. I have to go to another county on my GD and still can only serve the father who resides in that county . What erks me is there was sexual abuse the father knows it . Why on earth does he not object to her being in his care even after it was all over ? Why did he marry someone who causes physical harm to herself ? So many why's ... Thanks for your input sometimes I need a swift kick to chill out . But it is **** hard when they mean so much to me.

No grandchildren at this time.

I understand you're concerned, and love your gc and dd. But I think that at this point, your efforts are only driving everyone further away.

What the paternal grandparents do or don't do, is not your problem. It really isn't. You can't do anything about it. All the adults in the situation get to make their own choices and decisions, and nobody else, regardless of family relationship, can force them to do otherwise.

The judge said he wanted to 'facilitate', which is just another term for 'mediate'. He'd have liked to see if there's a compromise that you both would agree to, but your dd isn't obligated to compromise, and has said no.

I'm confused about who was sexually abused, and also the question as to why someone married someone else, who the person is that's harming themselves, b/c I don't understand the players involved. 

But, I'm guessing that the reason anyone gets married is b/c they love the other person, and wants to spend their life with them, good, bad, and indifferent.

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1 hour ago, ImpishMom said:

No grandchildren at this time.

I understand you're concerned, and love your gc and dd. But I think that at this point, your efforts are only driving everyone further away.

What the paternal grandparents do or don't do, is not your problem. It really isn't. You can't do anything about it. All the adults in the situation get to make their own choices and decisions, and nobody else, regardless of family relationship, can force them to do otherwise.

The judge said he wanted to 'facilitate', which is just another term for 'mediate'. He'd have liked to see if there's a compromise that you both would agree to, but your dd isn't obligated to compromise, and has said no.

I'm confused about who was sexually abused, and also the question as to why someone married someone else, who the person is that's harming themselves, b/c I don't understand the players involved. 

But, I'm guessing that the reason anyone gets married is b/c they love the other person, and wants to spend their life with them, good, bad, and indifferent.

In 2015 my granddaughter came to stay the weekend . The first time she said that her half brothers dad took her into the shower with him . She said things that I would rather not repete. I told DD who got all excited in front of my GD and said no he did not . Yes he did Mom she said . And DD hit me and flew out of my home .  She called me three weeks later said she was sorry and wanted to try wanted us to be friends so I said welcome then come on back . This time both children stayed . GS summoned back home GD stayed. Before bed she is on the toilet started screaming . Said GS father pinches her there ( private area) red itching . I took her to the hospital stayed with her and the story was told she had to go to her father. Now her father , found someone else after a fight and break up with my DD. He was eager to get married and did . His sister emailed me of her concern telling me this woman came over one dayand her arms looked burned . She said it was the stove . The husband said to his sis that he took her to her psychiatrist and that they wanted to admit her. This woman picks my GD up , keeps her with her, says she is good "therapy " for her and seems to want to control everyone's relationship as if this child is hers only . 

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When my son joined the Navy at age 20 I no longer had any authority...my role was reduced to "next of kin", which was reduced further when he married. He left my home for the military so he'd been living under the 'young adult child in my home' version of the rules. 

My point is that when they are adults your authority is over. My DsD has the worst taste in men ever...we were not in favor of either marriage...she did it anyway. Has a child from each marriage...Adults are gonna do what ever they're gonna do. As parents and grandparents we can only hope they make smart choices. 

You have no say so in what happens in anyone else's home. 

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56 minutes ago, GrandNonna said:

In 2015 my granddaughter came to stay the weekend . The first time she said that her half brothers dad took her into the shower with him . She said things that I would rather not repete. I told DD who got all excited in front of my GD and said no he did not . Yes he did Mom she said . And DD hit me and flew out of my home .  She called me three weeks later said she was sorry and wanted to try wanted us to be friends so I said welcome then come on back . This time both children stayed . GS summoned back home GD stayed. Before bed she is on the toilet started screaming . Said GS father pinches her there ( private area) red itching . I took her to the hospital stayed with her and the story was told she had to go to her father. Now her father , found someone else after a fight and break up with my DD. He was eager to get married and did . His sister emailed me of her concern telling me this woman came over one dayand her arms looked burned . She said it was the stove . The husband said to his sis that he took her to her psychiatrist and that they wanted to admit her. This woman picks my GD up , keeps her with her, says she is good "therapy " for her and seems to want to control everyone's relationship as if this child is hers only . 

Ok, breaking it down:

Your GD said her brother's father was molesting her, she was sent to her father's. So she was now safe from being abused.

Her father is married to someone else now, who you only have 2nd and 3rd hand information about. Have you ever met the woman, or have info that is first hand, that would indicate there is a concern?

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1 hour ago, GrandNonna said:

In 2015 my granddaughter came to stay the weekend . The first time she said that her half brothers dad took her into the shower with him . She said things that I would rather not repete. I told DD who got all excited in front of my GD and said no he did not . Yes he did Mom she said . And DD hit me and flew out of my home .  She called me three weeks later said she was sorry and wanted to try wanted us to be friends so I said welcome then come on back . This time both children stayed . GS summoned back home GD stayed. Before bed she is on the toilet started screaming . Said GS father pinches her there ( private area) red itching . I took her to the hospital stayed with her and the story was told she had to go to her father. Now her father , found someone else after a fight and break up with my DD. He was eager to get married and did . His sister emailed me of her concern telling me this woman came over one dayand her arms looked burned . She said it was the stove . The husband said to his sis that he took her to her psychiatrist and that they wanted to admit her. This woman picks my GD up , keeps her with her, says she is good "therapy " for her and seems to want to control everyone's relationship as if this child is hers only . 

First things first. Obviously, the authorities believed you enough to take action, despite any doubts expressed. GD was removed from GS' dad's home. As imp suggests, that's a good thing. IMO, you can pat yourself on the back for that.

About GD's dad and his DW - I get your concern about GD being left w/ someone who may be harming herself. If it's any comfort, my understanding is that self-harmers usually don't hurt others.

How well do you know DW's sister though? How can you be sure what she told you is true? IMO, it's odd that she brought these concerns to you. What did she think you could do about it?

Anyhow, I'm not crazy about the idea of a child's having the "job" of being "good 'therapy'" for someone. But, of course, IDK if DW said this to you or if, again, it's secondhand information from her sister. If it's true, at least that means DW enjoys being w/ GD. If that's the case, please take some comfort in knowing GD is receiving love.

Edited by RoseRed135
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18 hours ago, GrandNonna said:

Wow but it amazing that she is with you now. You and your family must have really put alot of love into creating a memory that is warm loving happy and caring. And at the age of 16 is a blessing to have cross paths with her again because that age is a new beginning in life where teens sometimes really need the right role model while transitioning into a new phase in life. Bravo !  Thank you for your understanding . My thoughts are I never want to get a call to learn that I have lost my only adult child. I am not trying to take over her life , just want her to open the door a little. She told me once that because of her lifestyle it has to be this way . Wonder what that is but I already know it's not positive . I just pray she doesn't turn her back on her kids and leave them. Taking me out of their lives always has me wonder if  reducing family members and introducing other people is her way of doing just that . The really difficult part of this is I work with people in health care and it is tremendously emotional to not show my emotions while helping others . 

It's a tremendous burden that many share and more than likely one the greatest challenges a parent is faced with in their lifetime-

Maternal instincts and concerns never go away- Many parents whose adult children are deployed suffer with similar concerns that may not show on their faces but are lurking just below the surface- It isn't uncommon for someone who is involved with drugs to push those who care about them out of their lives only to turn around and surround themselves with others who don't care- Your daughter isn't the drugs she chooses to do, she isn't the decisions she makes that may enable her to continue to use them, she isn't the behavior she displayed in the courtroom- All of those things are a result of "lifestyle" ..

 

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