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INCOGNITO

Family Hairlooms

18 posts in this topic

When you know longer want the item you asked for years ago, is it okay to  just sell it or should it be offered to other family members first?

Anonymous poster hash: 68b12...cf8

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Out of good will I would offer it to other family members first.

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Assuming that relationships are reasonable, I'd offer to others first.

I wouldn't break NC to do so, though.

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I would be devestated if my DS, DB cousins sold our family heirlooms without offering them to anyone else. 

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I'm another one who feels you (general) should offer it to other family members first. Especially if it has a lot of meaning/sentimental value for them. But if you need to clear out a deceased relatives possessions, I would put a time limit on how long they have to decide/take it.

If the item has actually been in your possession for a while - if, for example, the deceased relative gave it to you back when you asked for it  - technically, it's yours and you could just sell, donate or discard it. But I would still check w/ other family members first.

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For me, it would depend on the item.  Nice furniture, jewelry, etc? I would ask.  Household items- less likely to ask, unless it is something really sentimental.  

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I would appreciate it if my DM's extended family offered to sell or give me any of my MGM's things. I wish I wasn't so sentimental about material things, but I look at the thing I have of hers, and I remember where they were in her house, who sat in them or used them, and it's a nice reminder of the good times we had there.

(By the way, it's "heirlooms," but I don't care so much about the typo. It was kind of fun, because my reflexive thought was, "Oh, she's talking about a hair-woven, decorated shadow box, maybe." Ever see those? Kinda weird and fascinating. I guess Victorian women would take hair and fashion it into intricate designs like flowers, festoons, etc. It was a memory of the deceased. Some people collect them.)

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I met up with a 2nd cousin yesterday who I've only been seeing at funerals these last 20 years or so...(we had a great day, surprised I can talk today)...My mom & her dad were first cousins...her dad's older brother was a gifted artist. He painted whenever and where ever the mood struck with whatever materials were handy...and left many beautiful paintings behind...Cousin has several hanging on her walls. I'd love to have one of his paintings...not necessarily from her collection...but hoping one of his 8 nieces/nephews will be willing to part with one. This will be on my to-do list...

Partly I'm selfish, partly I'd hate to see these paintings lost to the ages.

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I agree with others, I would offer it to your other family memebers first...

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Isn't me it my ds and he's got it up on a selling site and never offered it to any of his cousins, that ds and his dw have made me feel so crazy that sometimes I have to get others opinions.........because it's always me never them 

Anonymous poster hash: 68b12...cf8

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19 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Isn't me it my ds and he's got it up on a selling site and never offered it to any of his cousins, that ds and his dw have made me feel so crazy that sometimes I have to get others opinions.........because it's always me never them 

Anonymous poster hash: 68b12...cf8

Says who?

if you often disagree, then you may just have different POVs overall. No need to stress yourself out over who's right or wrong, unless, perhaps, their choices hurt you personally. 

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Different people do feel different about heirlooms.  I had a sewing machine from each of my grandmothers.  One was destroyed in a fire.  I'd give anything to have that treadle machine sitting in my den (as would all three of my sisters and I'm sure several cousins).  I can't replace it and I'm still sad about that after 20 years.

Really, my MIL had nothing my hubby desired to have nor does my mother.  Everything they have is used up by normal life.  Several years ago I had some old photographs I remember from my childhood copies and made an album.  My youngest sister can't even remember ever seeing them.  They mean nothing to her.

It would be nice if someone asked others before getting rid of an heirloom, but what if all relatives want it, then how do you decide where it should go?

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On 11/14/2017 at 9:13 AM, INCOGNITO said:

Isn't me it my ds and he's got it up on a selling site and never offered it to any of his cousins, that ds and his dw have made me feel so crazy that sometimes I have to get others opinions.........because it's always me never them 

Anonymous poster hash: 68b12...cf8

Unfortunately, they may need the money.

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I have a couple of relatives who had some family furniture who sold it without asking extended family. I would have paid more than they got for it because it was a family piece but they didn't even think to offer. I'm not angry with them, just disappointed and kind of sad that I didn't even register as someone to just ask if I'd like to buy it.

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6 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Says who?

if you often disagree, then you may just have different POVs overall. No need to stress yourself out over who's right or wrong, unless, perhaps, their choices hurt you personally. 

LOL you have no idea how bloody my tongue is from biting it with them, see I live by the rule if I wouldn't like it done to you I won't do it to you. 

Anonymous poster hash: 68b12...cf8

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I would probably send an email to family members (my sibs only) letting them know I was unloading the heirloom and giving them a time to acquire the heirloom before I listed it for sell to the general public.  However, there can be a lot of factors as to why I wouldn't do this.  If I knew my sibs would fight over it, I may not.  If I didn't have much of a relationship with my sibs, I may not.  If I knew from past dealings my sibs would expect this to be a gift instead of paying for it, I may not.  If I knew from past dealings that my sibs were a bunch of gossipers who would see the sale of the heirloom as another thing to gossip about - "Can you believe she is asking for money for this heirloom from a family member, what nerve?"  "OMG are they having financial problems again?", I may not.  So many may nots, which may be a reason why your DS chose to just sell the heirloom instead of offering it up to his cousins.

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I have my PGM's mission oak rocking chair. Four generations have been rocked there. DF acquired it after her death. It sat in our attic for several years until I redecorated my bedroom and brought it down (as a teenager). No one seemed to mind that I took it with me when I moved out...It has been in every living room of every adult home I've had...Apparently its the best seat in the house because when I have company there always someone's butt in my chair. LOL. 

My kids had an argument over 'who gets THE CHAIR'....DD says since she's older she should...DS says he should because he's the one who took it apart, refinished it and put it back together...DD agreed that DS should get it, but that she could sit in it whenever she wanted....case closed.

 

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I would offer it to other family first

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