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noomanann

When can this Nanna say something?

18 posts in this topic

Hi one and all,  

               I am well aware of my boundary as a Nanna and at times over aware to the point it can become fuzzy as i selfishly have some abandonment issues, as I've lost family member, for standing up for my belief. So when something maybe should be said, goes unsaid. I dont know. I love my 3 and a half year old grand daughter so full of excitement and always with new eyes. She talks alot and needs that constant reassurance and praise and will be repetitive until she gets it. Her parents dotted on her so much when she was a baby. Now there can be a battle of wills between mum and child, there can be raised tempers and lots of loud language. 

              From what I am  learning and observing, the mum is so clucky and very in love with her 1 and a half year old baby girl, sibling to 3 1/2 yr old. I am noticing that 1st born is getting on the nerves of mum and mum verbally lets us know how  much of a dork her daughter is and how annoying she is,  in front of her. The mum has a phobia of spiders and I've turned up for her out of my day to dispose of spider off the curtain. Yesteday she gets my son (her spouse) to check all the outside furtniture before she sits for spiders, but will tease 3 1/2 year old with the bugs in the grass. This mum loves babies because they are really dependant and love the snuggles and dependancy. From what I see, it is when the baby grows into an active toddler that wants to explore is when mum get annoyed. My grandchild will change her dresses up to 5 times a day and her mum gets annoyed with this, she has a princess clothes rack on display with all dress ups ( frozen, snow white and fairy tutus) she has grown up in her short life with this, her mum started dressing her up when she was a newborn, of course she loves it, now it baffles the mum why she dresses so much in day. I'm not judging the mum on her mothering, just the attitude, she can't disguise. Grandchild also loves  and is attached to her mothers's tracky pants and would put them on like a nightie. This drives mum nuts and calls her a sicko and freak in front of her.  I'm not  being pedantic or mean, just this is the place where I can release the valve of frustration and worry for my granddaughter. 

             There is also a wedding in a few short months and it makes me cringe. A few months ago my son and his partner had their engagement party, us the grandparents left early to put the grand children to bed in their home and oped their front door at 1 am  to them screaming and swearing at each other and it continued in front of us, derogatory swearing and  so much more, we mentioned to  them a few days later, that it was a shock and disappointment. I do know the truth and real feelings come afloat when alcohol comes to the fore and my son said she was demanding, very demanding and can never be made happy. She had begged him to tell her over and over, she would not let him tell her anything else. 'Would I look better if I lost 15 kg' he wouldnt tell her, but in the end he had no choice and of course, it causes a huge back lash, and this was the cause of this argument. With insight and many years behind me I can see this  marriage will be unbalanced.

 

             My son's partner will post nearly every moment of the girls lives  on FB and I am slowly seeing what could potentially be a slight development of munchausens by proxy, but not to the point the mum makes the girls ill deliberately.  But I do know the mum loves the attention she gets on FB. She posted to me privately a picture of my 1st gchild all curled up in the shower, she had gastro for 12 hours and was good again. The 1st born has constant and continuous  ear infections and the long and sad posts on FB have me running over to see them, only to see another situation. I am not discounting they were sick, but the need for public attention is worrying.

            My boundary is blurry and I love being a Nanna, and I know now there is slight tension between the mum and me as I have made known my own daughter 20 needs me to assist her in her therapies and appointments (ASD) and I wouldnt be looking after the girls as much as they initially thought. The girls go into day care a bit. I do though when I can on my terms. I feel though I need to be careful if I want the be Nanna. I do really really want to visit my son at work on his lunch break, to let him know I love him unconditionally and I am there for him, for what ever he decides in his life, and to be doing what feels right rather than what feels right for everyone else. ( is this a bad idea) I worry about male suicide, its high in our country and I see a shell of who my son used to be. He does everything, she is lazy, I am not being mean and she complains when he does what she wont :(

I appreciate support and advice and thankyou.

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12 hours ago, noomanann said:

Hi one and all,  

               I am well aware of my boundary as a Nanna and at times over aware to the point it can become fuzzy as i selfishly have some abandonment issues, as I've lost family member, for standing up for my belief. So when something maybe should be said, goes unsaid. I dont know. I love my 3 and a half year old grand daughter so full of excitement and always with new eyes. She talks alot and needs that constant reassurance and praise and will be repetitive until she gets it. Her parents dotted on her so much when she was a baby. Now there can be a battle of wills between mum and child, there can be raised tempers and lots of loud language. 

              From what I am  learning and observing, the mum is so clucky and very in love with her 1 and a half year old baby girl, sibling to 3 1/2 yr old. I am noticing that 1st born is getting on the nerves of mum and mum verbally lets us know how  much of a dork her daughter is and how annoying she is,  in front of her. The mum has a phobia of spiders and I've turned up for her out of my day to dispose of spider off the curtain. Yesteday she gets my son (her spouse) to check all the outside furtniture before she sits for spiders, but will tease 3 1/2 year old with the bugs in the grass. This mum loves babies because they are really dependant and love the snuggles and dependancy. From what I see, it is when the baby grows into an active toddler that wants to explore is when mum get annoyed. My grandchild will change her dresses up to 5 times a day and her mum gets annoyed with this, she has a princess clothes rack on display with all dress ups ( frozen, snow white and fairy tutus) she has grown up in her short life with this, her mum started dressing her up when she was a newborn, of course she loves it, now it baffles the mum why she dresses so much in day. I'm not judging the mum on her mothering, just the attitude, she can't disguise. Grandchild also loves  and is attached to her mothers's tracky pants and would put them on like a nightie. This drives mum nuts and calls her a sicko and freak in front of her.  I'm not  being pedantic or mean, just this is the place where I can release the valve of frustration and worry for my granddaughter. 

Ugh! Mum's attitude here ^^^ is awful, IMO, and greatly concerns me. It sounds like the beginning of favoritism. But please realize that it also could simply be that mum is feeling overwhelmed having to balance caring for what I suppose are 2 toddlers, each one needing attention and supervision. I wouldn't risk criticizing her. You might comment, now and then, by asking a question, such as, "Is it possible OGD's (older granddaughter's) Name is just going through the 'Negative Stage?' " and maybe even, "Have you read up on ways to handle it?" But given the tensions you tell us about below, it's mostly better, IMO, to focus on giving OGD as much love, praise, and attention as you can ( you probably do already), to try to offset mum's unpleasant behavior to some degree. That is, w/o appearing to favor her over YGD (as I'm sure you know)

             There is also a wedding in a few short months and it makes me cringe. A few months ago my son and his partner had their engagement party, us the grandparents left early to put the grand children to bed in their home and oped their front door at 1 am  to them screaming and swearing at each other and it continued in front of us, derogatory swearing and  so much more, we mentioned to  them a few days later, that it was a shock and disappointment. I do know the truth and real feelings come afloat when alcohol comes to the fore and my son said she was demanding, very demanding and can never be made happy. She had begged him to tell her over and over, she would not let him tell her anything else. 'Would I look better if I lost 15 kg' he wouldnt tell her, but in the end he had no choice and of course, it causes a huge back lash, and this was the cause of this argument. With insight and many years behind me I can see this  marriage will be unbalanced.

Groan! Sorry this happened. I don't think you and DH should have said anything about it, however, except maybe to ask them to keep their issues private from now on/not argue in front of you. Nor do I think DS should have gone into the details about what went wrong. I would also avoid generalizing from this one incident, if that's what you're doing. Since DS had 2 children w/ and is marrying her, there must be a lot he sees in her, even if he doesn't share that part w/ you and DH. Please don't say anything to discourage this marriage as that could - and probably would - backfire on you badly.

                    My son's partner will post nearly every moment of the girls lives  on FB and I am slowly seeing what could potentially be a slight development of munchausens by proxy, but not to the point the mum makes the girls ill deliberately.  But I do know the mum loves the attention she gets on FB. She posted to me privately a picture of my 1st gchild all curled up in the shower, she had gastro for 12 hours and was good again. The 1st born has constant and continuous  ear infections and the long and sad posts on FB have me running over to see them, only to see another situation. I am not discounting they were sick, but the need for public attention is worrying.

Whoa! It's a big jump from posting on FB to Munchhausen's! Ok, I realize mum is posting about the kids' illnesses, too, but a lot of people post "everything" on FB. Please don't jump to conclusions.

             My boundary is blurry and I love being a Nanna, and I know now there is slight tension between the mum and me as I have made known my own daughter 20 needs me to assist her in her therapies and appointments (ASD) and I wouldnt be looking after the girls as much as they initially thought. The girls go into day care a bit. I do though when I can on my terms. I feel though I need to be careful if I want the be Nanna. I do really really want to visit my son at work on his lunch break, to let him know I love him unconditionally and I am there for him, for what ever he decides in his life, and to be doing what feels right rather than what feels right for everyone else. ( is this a bad idea) I worry about male suicide, its high in our country and I see a shell of who my son used to be. He does everything, she is lazy, I am not being mean and she complains when he does what she wont :(

I so understand your concern about DS. We don't stop caring and worrying about our sons and daughters just b/c they're adults. But I'm not sure what you're thinking of when you say you'd like to "visit (DS) at work on his lunch break, to let him know ... (you are) there for... whatever he decides in his life... " Are you talking about  a single visit or something more frequent? And by surprise or pre-arrangement? Also, what life decisions are you referring to? The answer to these questions will help me know if I think it's a "bad idea" or not. (Maybe it will help other posters in the same way.)

But if you have reason to believe he's headed towards suicide, have you suggested counseling? Would he go?

I appreciate support and advice and thankyou.

You're very welcome. :)

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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19 hours ago, noomanann said:

I do really really want to visit my son at work on his lunch break, to let him know I love him unconditionally and I am there for him, for what ever he decides in his life, and to be doing what feels right rather than what feels right for everyone else. ( is this a bad idea)

Before I start let me say that I fully see the warning signs you are describing and I am no psychologist but it sound like "mum" definitely needs to be the center of attention and could be nacissitic to a certian extent. I hate how she is treat ing GD but I am at a loss as to what you might be able to do that would not put you in the middle of things... so I think the best things you can do for Grand-daughter is to be sure that you always give her positive re-enforment as much as you can and really pay attention and support her strengths. I can see why you might need to vent all that out!

As for approaching DS - I think that if you are approaching this as: I noticed you have been a bit stressed, I am worried about you, and just wanted you to know that if you need anything I am there for you... then it would be ok. Keeping the conversation to your son, and him alone, not what might be causing his stress or why he has made the decision he has made... 

However I would avoid your last statments like " for what ever he decides in his life" and " to be doing what feels right rather than what feels right for everyone else" as this implies that you do not think that his choices are right, and that he is making them for the wrong reasons... and I think that conversation would lead to your feelings about "the Mum" and that is an area I would avoid. 

Personally I would not do it, as I know myself and I know I could not keep queit on other issues that might be bothering me... so personally I think going and speaking to him is a slippery slope and could end badly unless you can keep your feelings about "mum" out of it. However, if you think it is what you need to do, and you can keep it focused, then that is totally your decision... I just know I could not :)

As Rose said... if you are really concerned about suicide, I would suggest couseling or therapy.... I have been (not for suicide but difficulty with MIL) and just to be able to have an outside person who is totally non-baised was a huge help for me... she helped me realize that I was not loosing my mind in my perception of the situation and she gave me ideas to try that I think under normal circumstances would have helped as well...

In any case I wish you the Best of Luck!

 

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I am sorry you have to go though the unknown when you have DIL's in your life. I have told my 4 son's I will not add my two cents, in anyway as long as it doesn't affect me or my grandchildren. Doesn't always work.

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Welcome tired grandma, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough too just jump right in.

Sometimes I can taste a bit of blood, but biting my tongue is better than butting in.  I have to remember that I do not have authority over the grands so I have no say there anyway.

I have been known to respond when asked with a "I have no experience in that field but I'm sure between the two of you and the doctor you will be able to figure it out."

 

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3 hours ago, tiredgrandma0917 said:

I am sorry you have to go though the unknown when you have DIL's in your life. I have told my 4 son's I will not add my two cents, in anyway as long as it doesn't affect me or my grandchildren. Doesn't always work.

Another welcome, tiredgrandma!

Very wise of you, IMO (in my opinion) to be cautious about giving unsolicited advice. But it's not just a good idea when you (general) have DILs. I know my DDs (dear daughters) tend to bristle at unasked-for advice, and as I recall, I didn't much like it myself when I was a young wife and mom. :)

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I bristled too when my mom gave me unsolicited advise.  That's one reason i tell my DS's don't let it affect me

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It really sounds like your DIL has some mental health issues, possibly some bad parenting examples.  It is very frustrating and there is nothing you can do but be there for your son, maybe encourage him to go see a therapist to help him deal with things?

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Hello noomannan ,

I feel that DIL may be expressing her compulsive behavior on the child. So sad but the positive outcome of it with the name calling is not to worry until the child is using the same words unknowingly . In regards to :

   observing, the mum is so clucky and very in love with her 1 and a half year old baby girl, sibling to 3 1/2 yr old. I am noticing that 1st born is getting on the nerves of mum and mum verbally lets us know how  much of a dork her daughter is and how annoying she is,  in front of her.

 

Maybe you can intervene and be a coach for your future DIL. Without telling her that it bothers you , and that her need for approval is evident maybe you can befriend her and send her compliments, bring her flowers and let her know that you think she is unique and special in other ways so that she feels comfortable in her own skin.Overweight or not some mums feel unattractive after child bearing and paying less attention to themselves because of caring for a child . I am sure she is tired , and appreciates your being there but sometimes she might feel like she is in the way and imposing . Be her friend and point out her positive areas to take her mind off of her self image concerns.

As for your DS suicide is a serious issue and if you are aware that he has this ideation take it seriously . Ask him are you suicidal? If he tells you yes he has had these thoughts and that yes he has access to means to commit this then contact a suicide prevention hotline . The worst thing that could happen is that he is so overwhelmed that he loses it and does harm to himself. Then where would this life wind up ? You may blame your future DIL and see yourself as better for caring for the grandchildren. I wish you luck and positive outcome and outreach if you can . 

GN

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Giving advice is such a sticky wicket!  I have a ton of articles that I saved from raising my own child.  Do I share these with my daughter-in-law?  I don't think they are at all outdated.  I think I did a good job raising my son my DIL married him!). What do you say?  Should I share?

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1 hour ago, Lovebeinggrammy said:

Giving advice is such a sticky wicket!  I have a ton of articles that I saved from raising my own child.  Do I share these with my daughter-in-law?  I don't think they are at all outdated.  I think I did a good job raising my son my DIL married him!). What do you say?  Should I share?

No. So much has changed in the last 20 or so years. If your DIL wants your advice, she'll ask.

If you simply cannot resist, give them to your son.

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4 hours ago, Lovebeinggrammy said:

Giving advice is such a sticky wicket!  I have a ton of articles that I saved from raising my own child.  Do I share these with my daughter-in-law?  I don't think they are at all outdated.  I think I did a good job raising my son my DIL married him!). What do you say?  Should I share?

Sure share them especially if they have recent scientific study of evidence of being harmful / positive . 

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You might want to skip the articles, but in conversations, if DIL comments on an issue is may be having I've always phrased things as "have you considered abc?" I pass along the info, she can do whatever she wants with it....

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3 hours ago, Mame925 said:

You might want to skip the articles, but in conversations, if DIL comments on an issue is may be having I've always phrased things as "have you considered abc?" I pass along the info, she can do whatever she wants with it....

Mame me too . But I sometimes find opening a conversation about a topic difficult . I might bring it up another time over lunch and if no interested is sensed I remain quiet. 

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11 hours ago, Lovebeinggrammy said:

Giving advice is such a sticky wicket!  I have a ton of articles that I saved from raising my own child.  Do I share these with my daughter-in-law?  I don't think they are at all outdated.  I think I did a good job raising my son my DIL married him!). What do you say?  Should I share?

Not unless she asks for advice - or perhaps if she complains about a problem (though she might just be sounding off). And then I would only mention the one that's related to the issue she brought up. Maybe just say, in effect, "Gee, I have an article on that. It's from my day, but it might still be helpful. Would you like to see it?"

That is, if your relationship w/ her is generally good (and I get the impression that it is). If it's at all strained or if she tends to keep her distance, then I wouldn't offer any articles - I would just suggest she ask the doctor or check the Internet (depending on what the issue is and leave it at that).

If you do offer an article, but she declines, IMO, you need to accept it graciously. Same if you notice she doesn't follow the articles advice. You probably realize that. But I'm mentioning it b/c my own DM (dear mother) and MIL used to gripe if they saw I didn't follow their suggestions.

Edited by RoseRed135

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16 hours ago, Lovebeinggrammy said:

Giving advice is such a sticky wicket!  I have a ton of articles that I saved from raising my own child.  Do I share these with my daughter-in-law?  I don't think they are at all outdated.  I think I did a good job raising my son my DIL married him!). What do you say?  Should I share?

Certainly don't share them unless your DIL asks...as others have stated.  Unsolicited advice is tricky...my MIL often gives me unsolicited advice (though she's gotten better about this) and i almost always take it as some form of criticism....even though i know she is probably trying to help in her own way....at least most of the time. sometimes she is in fact criticizing me in a passive way.  

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My own Mom used to give me articles.  They were super helpful.  I understand that it may be a lot different with a Daughter-in-law.  I'll be cautious. 

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I find it very annoying when my Mom gives me unsolicited advice or is critical of my parenting. Its even more annoying when it comes from MIL. AC/DIL Will come to you for advice if you give them the space to.

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