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RoseRed135

Does the pain ever stop?... possible triggers...

22 posts in this topic

If you've ever have been CO (cut off) by an AC (adult child) or other loved one, no doubt it hurts. But does it ever get easier to take? Does anything totally fill the void? Does the pain ever end or decrease? Or if you're estranged now, do you think anything ever will? I realize it may hurt just to talk about it but it may also help someone else.

Edited by RoseRed135

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Background -  I am the DIL, my DH decided to cut all ties with MIL. 

I don't think anything goes away, almost every Holiday I really do wish things were different and our situation was not so permanent - and wish that at least DH might have a nice holiday dinner with MIL.  Unfortunately that will never happen.  I can say the situational anger goes away quickly, and the pain fades.  DH and I, are not mad at MIL, and we don't feel the pain nor guilt that we once did. I have even let it go, as I tended to blame myself whether it was my fault or not, and the stories on this forum helped alot with that healing - just knowing I was not alone.

I would call the state we are in now as "comfortably numb"... we have realized that MIL will never accept our boundaries, nor will she ever change..  and we totally accept that about her, it is who she is... At the same time it is our perogative to chose who we do and do not associate with, and what is healthy for our family... So, now, we are in a state of quiet acceptance and we are pretty indifferent when thinking of MIL... there is no longer a need to justify or explain ourselves, or constantly explain our reasoning and that has brought some peace. 

Being on the flip side, a few years after we quit associating with MIL... I can tell you it was the right move for us, that despite the pain - Our family, is happier, healthier, and much less on edge now that she is no longer in the picture, all the drama, the guilt tripping, the manipulation, ended with the relationship.  My story is by no means a justification or example, there are many times I watch holiday movies with the Big Thanksgiving Dinner tables, loaded with family, right down to the cousins that I wish it were my story too - I just am very Thankful that what happened did not break me, or my Marriage, as this was almost the case... so close that I prefer to forget that time altogether.. 

 

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Conversations that take place in other places on the interweb seem to indicate that a complete and total cutoff behaves kind of like arthritis when bad weather is on the way- You get on with your life but have days, like when it rains, that you're reminded- They also drink more across the pond .. take more vacations, go shopping, get out and be social and don't sit around and be sad about it- Maybe in the US people are "trained" to think it's unthinkable to enjoy your (general) life without kids in it?

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I think estrangement is a loss, and grief goes with loss. It can wax and wane, even when *you're* the person that made the decision. If nothing else, grieving what isn't, wasn't, and never will be is a very real thing.

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For me, estrangement offered some relief from a very stressful relationship.  Everything calmed down once I walked away, however I agree with Impishmom that the grieving what isn't, wasn't and will never be is a real thing and for me has probably been the hardest part.  It's letting go of all the expectations and good times you thought you would have only for reality to set in.  That disappointment has lessened over the years and although things are better it will never be what I hoped for.  Every now and again that still stings but much less than earlier on, I think in some ways I learn't acceptance over time.  I can only imagine that the more important the relationship the more intense the grieving.

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For me the longer the CO has gone on (about 10 years now), the clearer the dysfunction became and I breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer interact with these people at all.  I don't even think about it unless I see a thread like this and I don't have those twinges of nostalgia that I had at the very beginning.  I have taken on the philosophy to live in the moment and be present in the moment.

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since my DD took my GS from me on 15th Nov I have cried everyday.

The pain is lessening some, but it comes in waves. When I least expect it the flood gates open. Not good when I am at work, but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to let it come and not hold back.

I have not looked at a photo of my darling GS since that day as it is still too raw for me.

I know it hasn't been long since they have been gone, but considering I have been living under this cloud from before my GS was born, it only came to a head on the 15th

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17 hours ago, AlfieG said:

since my DD took my GS from me on 15th Nov I have cried everyday.

The pain is lessening some, but it comes in waves. When I least expect it the flood gates open. Not good when I am at work, but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to let it come and not hold back.

I have not looked at a photo of my darling GS since that day as it is still too raw for me.

I know it hasn't been long since they have been gone, but considering I have been living under this cloud from before my GS was born, it only came to a head on the 15th

None of this surprises me as the grief is fresh. (((Hugs!)))

I'm not sure I understand the bolded though. I know your relationship w/ DD has been checkered for a long time. And I recall that she told you before the 15th that she would take GS and leave one day while you were at work. But the bolded suggests that she has been threatening to CO you since before GS was born. Is that they case? Or does the "cloud" you mention just refer to your difficult relationship w/ each other?

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On 11/26/2017 at 5:01 PM, RoseRed135 said:

None of this surprises me as the grief is fresh. (((Hugs!)))

I'm not sure I understand the bolded though. I know your relationship w/ DD has been checkered for a long time. And I recall that she told you before the 15th that she would take GS and leave one day while you were at work. But the bolded suggests that she has been threatening to CO you since before GS was born. Is that they case? Or does the "cloud" you mention just refer to your difficult relationship w/ each other?

 

No, you are correct.

My DD told me once when she was 17, long before GS born, she would move and I would never see her again, and she would never reach the age of 30 as she would take her own life.

Plus she told me once when she was pregnant that she would leave and I would never see her again. She didn't mention GS then, but with her being pregnant it was implied

Edited by RoseRed135
to remove trigger warning since it is now in the title

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So what is at the bottom of DD's disdain for you? She's perceiving something that you must not be aware of. And your children conspiring is a huge red flag. 

Can you try to think back over the years to see if you can pinpoint it? She's carried through with her threat to pick up and leave, but in the past has she made other threats? Did she used to lash out as bids for attention or get her way? Did she expect a different behavior from you?

 

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you already asked me in another thread if I could pin point what started this Mame, I thought I answered you there

and beside, what difference does the past make to the now, not like I could go back and change anything even if I knew what needed changing

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23 hours ago, AlfieG said:

My DD told me once when she was 17, long before GS born, she would move and I would never see her again, and she would never reach the age of 30 as she would take her own life.

 

So she has gone so far as to threaten suicide, even if not immediately. How painful for you as a mother! And how scary for you as a GM!

Does she, perhaps, suffer from depression? Has she received any counseling?

I realize nothing we say here can totally ease the pain of estrangement. But TG she hasn't gone through w/ that second threat. I hope she doesn't even think of it now that she has a child.

Edited by RoseRed135
to remove trigger note since it's now in title

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7 hours ago, AlfieG said:

you already asked me in another thread if I could pin point what started this Mame, I thought I answered you there

and beside, what difference does the past make to the now, not like I could go back and change anything even if I knew what needed changing

Alfie, I am very sorry this is happening to you. I have not read the other post at this point, but wanted to address this statement in bold. You ask what difference the past makes now, as you can't go back and change it. Of course, you are right, you can't go back and change whatever it is that happened. However, there is a big difference between living in the past and using the past to help us better move forward in the present and future. It is one thing to dwell on the past and rehash things you can't do a thing about certainly. That's not healthy. BUT....using what happened in the past to help you grow and move forward, and help you to see where you went wrong to avoid making the same mistakes again, is incredibly helpful. Being able to look at what happened and take steps to either correct it (apologies, making amends) or prevent it from happening again (knowing what boundaries you crossed or toes you stepped on) could be the catalyst to healing the rift. 

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11 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

But TG she hasn't gone through w/ that second threat. I hope she doesn't even think of it now that she has a child.

she did attempt it, a few years back, but we all believe it was more for attention than anything else

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41 minutes ago, AlfieG said:

she did attempt it, a few years back, but we all believe it was more for attention than anything else

OMG! I'm so sorry! Even if you now think it was "for attention," that must have been a very harrowing experience for you at the time!

...we all believe it was more for attention than anything else

At the risk of sounding picky, who does "we all" include? Is your DS among them?

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3 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

At the risk of sounding picky, who does "we all" include? Is your DS among them?

yes

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Ok, thanks for answering that.

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Just now, RoseRed135 said:

Ok, thanks for answering that.

sorry for being so abrupt Rose, I am just tired, always tired lately, I just don't have the energy for anything right now

My kids, I find out, are still out to hurt me. The latest thing is I get back from work and when I get online there is a message from Facebook saying they have had a complaint about images I had which I wasn't entitled to, so they deleted ALL the pics I had of my grandkids, son, daughter etc (I had on FB) even though I had never used them and had had them for years. Even pics I was in, if it contained an image of the kids GONE just gone

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1 minute ago, AlfieG said:

sorry for being so abrupt Rose, I am just tired, always tired lately, I just don't have the energy for anything right now

My kids, I find out, are still out to hurt me. The latest thing is I get back from work and when I get online there is a message from Facebook saying they have had a complaint about images I had which I wasn't entitled to, so they deleted ALL the pics I had of my grandkids, son, daughter etc (I had on FB) even though I had never used them and had had them for years. Even pics I was in, if it contained an image of the kids GONE just gone

More (((hugs!)))

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13 hours ago, AlfieG said:

My kids, I find out, are still out to hurt me. The latest thing is I get back from work and when I get online there is a message from Facebook saying they have had a complaint about images I had which I wasn't entitled to, so they deleted ALL the pics I had of my grandkids, son, daughter etc (I had on FB) even though I had never used them and had had them for years. Even pics I was in, if it contained an image of the kids GONE just gone

It may be cold comfort, but some people say that when you (general) CO someone, you shouldn't even send/give them any pictures. Taking away pix already given seems a little extreme, IMO. But it might just be part of their effort to cut ties for now. IOWs, it might just be par for the course in their minds and not a deliberate effort to hurt. It doesn't mean they won't miss you and reach out again, eventually, either. Give it time...

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@AlfieG - Just checking to see how you're doing?

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thanks for your concern Rose, I am fine

yesterday was the 1st day I haven't cried, so I guess thats a plus, kinda :)

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