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RoseRed135

Cultural differences & inlaw issues

139 posts in this topic

 I think a lot of parents make decisions based on what they wished for as a child and it may or may not be in their child's best interest. For example, in my family my father had wanted badly to play football as a kid, but his mother would not allow it. Years later with my brother, my father kept pushing him to play sports. My brother wasn't interested, he cared about music and wanted to play piano. It was a tough few years and my brother was hurt by it and I was hurt by witnessing the pressure and seeing my brother being forced into something he didn't want.  I expect everyone can think of something like this, even in loving families. It's hard to separate what you wanted/needed as a child from what your child wants/needs at times. I can remember thinking that if I had a daughter I would make sure she got dance lessons that I wished for and my family couldn't afford, but what if I had a daughter who wanted sports instead or something I hadn't even thought of? I'm not talking about abusive situations, just more the lack of sensitivity or awareness of children as people and not just your child. I can understand Gigimom's thoughts as children having full rights and even agree to some extent, I just can't see how it could be practiced in the real world without the child's parents being fully on board.

Edited by missmm
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3 hours ago, JanelleK said:

The unsolicited advice/opinions I'm referencing is in Gigi's Grandparents Unplugged post.

Yes, it reads to me she feels unsolicited advice/opinions are just fine. Beings there is no quoting between forums - I'm not quoting. My point - I disagree with the notion GPs should talk on, give unsolicited advice/ opinions. Doesn't work for us. Our kids would hate it, would not fly.

Ok, I know the post you're talking about - the one where she suggested we should all accept differences of opinion. Thank you for not breaking the rules to C & P it here. And thanks for clarifying.

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6 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

 

Well... sometimes GPs do "give a flying frog," etc. about their underage GC's lives, even if there's no abuse involved. They might feel sorry for a GC, for example, if they thing the parents are "too hard on him/her" or just be interested if GC are in plays, recitals, etc. But again, I agree, how their GCs are raised/how their GC's lives are conducted is "not in GPs decision-making-matrix." In fact, once GC is 18, many of their choices become their own - so still not for a GP to decide. :) But yeah, I know, at least then, the GP can generally arrange visits w/ the GC w/o having to go through the parents

 

I give many flying frogs about what happen in my GC lives but I know it's not my choice to make and not my responsibility for those choices. Maybe the things that bother me so much will be the things my GC think was wonderful about their lives. Time will tell. I don't know any adults who make time for their grandparents if they didn't know them and spend time with them while growing up, so the whole "can't wait until they are old enough not to have to go the parents thing" doesn't make much sense to me. But maybe it's worked out for others.

 

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27 minutes ago, missmm said:

Well... sometimes GPs do "give a flying frog," etc. about their underage GC's lives, even if there's no abuse involved. They might feel sorry for a GC, for example, if they thing the parents are "too hard on him/her" or just be interested if GC are in plays, recitals, etc. But again, I agree, how their GCs are raised/how their GC's lives are conducted is "not in GPs decision-making-matrix." In fact, once GC is 18, many of their choices become their own - so still not for a GP to decide. :) But yeah, I know, at least then, the GP can generally arrange visits w/ the GC w/o having to go through the parents

 

I give many flying frogs about what happen in my GC lives but I know it's not my choice to make and not my responsibility for those choices. Maybe the things that bother me so much will be the things my GC think was wonderful about their lives. Time will tell. I don't know any adults who make time for their grandparents if they didn't know them and spend time with them while growing up, so the whole "can't wait until they are old enough not to have to go the parents thing" doesn't make much sense to me. But maybe it's worked out for others.

I may be odd-out but I honestly don't care what our kids do/don't do with their kids (non abusive of course). I have found a few of our ACs ways strange, not bad - just different. But none of the strange impacts us much and the kiddies are content. So, none of our business. I suppose being very detached and "hands off" (learned that from Mame925) has a lot of impact on our views of what is truly ours and what has no impact on us whatsoever.

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13 hours ago, JanelleK said:

YEP. We decided when we were the parents and in charge, now our kids decide. The end.

YEP. Nothing is ours to decide with our grands. Our grands have parents who decide what/how/when for their minor children. Grandparents can jolly well wait until their grands are 18 for access if the parents deem GP access unacceptable. eta: oh well, too bad, so sad.

Why is this a hard concept? Who other than the parents should give a flying frog what happens (non abusive) until the grandchildren are 18 years old - not in GPs decision-making-matrix.

Read what you wrote.  You said no one other than the parents should give a flying frog what happens until the grandchildren are 18 years old.  Realizing that its not in the GPs decision making matrix and not giving a flying frog what happens to them  are two different things. 

And your oh well too bad so sad comment was just plain unnecessary.  Why would you have to edit to add it?  Whats the point of that comment?

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I want to remind everybody:

In the administrators "I Just Joined" thread, it states "No backseat moderating. Do not tell other members what they can and cannot post."  We are all allowed to post our thoughts and opinions as long as we do not violate the guidelines.  If you feel there are violations, please report them and the moderators and the administration will take your report into consideration.

Thank you

 

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8 hours ago, JanelleK said:

The unsolicited advice/opinions I'm referencing is in Gigi's Grandparents Unplugged post.

Yes, it reads to me she feels unsolicited advice/opinions are just fine. Beings there is no quoting between forums - I'm not quoting. My point - I disagree with the notion GPs should talk on, give unsolicited advice/ opinions. Doesn't work for us. Our kids would hate it, would not fly.

Just to clarify - I don’t believe unsolicited advice is acceptable.  I was referring to the case where you are asked your opinion but your opinion might not be acceptable to the AC or IL. In my case, my DIL would ask me my opinion while already having an unvoiced opinion of her own then be upset with me for having a different opinion. She would then feel that I was critical of her if she went on and did what she actually wanted, when in fact I was not critical, I just happened to have had a different opinion. For example - she asked me whether I was a fan of cloth nappies or disposable, being as she and my son are also greenies and vegans I figured it was safe to voice my SOLICITED opinion that I prefer cloth as it is more earth friendly and so on.  Turns out she just wanted a validation for her unvoiced decision to use disposables and so she took my opinion as criticism of her choice and used it against me in arguments with my son.  I really didn’t care what she chose in the end as long as my GSs bum was covered and he didn’t get nappyrash . I fully respect anyone’s right to have a different opinion from me, but she asked my opinion, then used it to cause trouble. That is why I said people should be mature and agree to differ on some things without going postal about every little thing. 

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9 hours ago, skipped said:

Read what you wrote.  You said no one other than the parents should give a flying frog what happens until the grandchildren are 18 years old.  Realizing that its not in the GPs decision making matrix and not giving a flying frog what happens to them  are two different things.  To YOU, not to us, but you're free to express your opinion as well.

And your oh well too bad so sad comment was just plain unnecessary.  Why would you have to edit to add it?  Whats the point of that comment? Because, to us, it's not a big deal to wait.

I've been clear on that thought ever since I started posting here. IMO, there is rarely a downside to waiting silently on the sidelines as long as it takes. You may, of course, feel differently - but our opinion is still what I expressed. Works quite well for us.

Take private schooling as an example. We both (and my siblings, parents, cousins, etc) went to the local Catholic schools. We value private education. We would like our grands to have a private education. We offer to pay. Most of them attend the Catholic schools we attended, some attend other other private Christian schools - fine by us. None of our business how/why they select schools. Our only impact on that choice is earning enough to pay for all of them to attend schools with Christian underpinnings. AC who don't want their kids in Christian based schools? Oh well, too bad, so sad.

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5 hours ago, Gigima said:

Just to clarify - I don’t believe unsolicited advice is acceptable.  I was referring to the case where you are asked your opinion but your opinion might not be acceptable to the AC or IL. In my case, my DIL would ask me my opinion while already having an unvoiced opinion of her own then be upset with me for having a different opinion. She would then feel that I was critical of her if she went on and did what she actually wanted, when in fact I was not critical, I just happened to have had a different opinion. For example - she asked me whether I was a fan of cloth nappies or disposable, being as she and my son are also greenies and vegans I figured it was safe to voice my SOLICITED opinion that I prefer cloth as it is more earth friendly and so on.  Turns out she just wanted a validation for her unvoiced decision to use disposables and so she took my opinion as criticism of her choice and used it against me in arguments with my son.  I really didn’t care what she chose in the end as long as my GSs bum was covered and he didn’t get nappyrash . I fully respect anyone’s right to have a different opinion from me, but she asked my opinion, then used it to cause trouble. That is why I said people should be mature and agree to differ on some things without going postal about every little thing. 

Thanks for clarifying, Gigi! And oh yeah, unfortunately, "solicited advice" can be a sticky issue, it seems, between MIL & DIL - or DM (dear mom/mother) & DD, for that matter - or any parent & AC or PIL & CIL. Several posters here have experienced that in one way or another, over the years, including yours truly (w/ one of my DDs).

In fact, IMO, it's an issue that deserves another thread. So I've opened one up:

 

 

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2 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Thanks for clarifying, Gigi! And oh yeah, unfortunately, "solicited advice" can be a sticky issue, it seems, between MIL & DIL - or DM (dear mom/mother) & DD, for that matter - or any parent & AC or PIL & CIL. Several posters here have experienced that in one way or another, over the years, including yours truly (w/ one of my DDs).

In fact, IMO, it's an issue that deserves another thread. So I've opened one up:

 

 

Thank you. 

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5 hours ago, JanelleK said:

Take private schooling as an example. We both (and my siblings, parents, cousins, etc) went to the local Catholic schools. We value private education. We would like our grands to have a private education. We offer to pay. Most of them attend the Catholic schools we attended, some attend other other private Christian schools - fine by us. None of our business how/why they select schools. Our only impact on that choice is earning enough to pay for all of them to attend schools with Christian underpinnings. AC who don't want their kids in Christian based schools? Oh well, too bad, so sad.

I was thinking on the lines of- they have cancer and you are in the know- I am a nurse-  the doctor they picked is not a good one.  Is that really too bad so sad?

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5 hours ago, JanelleK said:

Take private schooling as an example. We both (and my siblings, parents, cousins, etc) went to the local Catholic schools. We value private education. We would like our grands to have a private education. We offer to pay. Most of them attend the Catholic schools we attended, some attend other other private Christian schools - fine by us. None of our business how/why they select schools. Our only impact on that choice is earning enough to pay for all of them to attend schools with Christian underpinnings. AC who don't want their kids in Christian based schools? Oh well, too bad, so sad.

Janelle, you have my vote for the #1 comment offered in this cultural difference thread: Adult children who dont want their kids in Christian based schools? Oh well, too bad, so sad-

Slam dunk if there ever was one!  :)

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On the other hand .. Ive personal experience with flying frogs- Keeping a healthy distance from flying frogs, who to me represent excessive concern, works-

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21 hours ago, skipped said:

I was thinking on the lines of- they have cancer and you are in the know- I am a nurse-  the doctor they picked is not a good one. Is that really too bad so sad?

The rare possibility of GC death/cancer isn't what I was referencing (nor a cultural conflict or difference of opinion). Just isn't the same as waiting patiently for GC visits.
 
However, yours is still a good example of not butting in where one is not needed/wanted. We know less than nothing about medical issues. Our MDS, SisIL, SisIL's dad, 2 nephews, and Xbil are physicians, other foo are nurses, dentists, etc. Our kids are capable of asking people who actually know or Dr Googling medical practitioners - eta: there is absolutely no need for us to be involved in private medical issues. AC/ACIL are in control of the decision-making-matrix for their kids. With our total lack of any expertise/medical knowledge, we'd never be asked about cancer. And, I assure you we wouldn't want to insert ourselves in any talk about medical issues we don't understand. NOT our place.
 
Why is this so difficult? How AC make decisions is none of our business, has no impact on us, never will. Nothing is ours to decide for the kiddies. Our grands have parents who rightfully decide, by whatever means, what/how/when for their children.

 

Edited by JanelleK
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