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RoseRed135

S/O of "Grandchild cuts off grandparent"

37 posts in this topic

In the thread this is based on, new member Mryan told us her young adult GS threatened to cut her off. (Fortunately, that story ended happily.) Later, in the same thread, anniebobyn said that her 11-yr-old GS seems to be distancing himself from her DH and possibly her. And, SueSTx, has often told us how her kids CO her cruel MIL in their teens - and before she did.

Have you ever had a GC CO/distance you in any way? Or have you done that to a GP? Or do you know of any case like that in your family? If so, why do you think it happens/happened? And how can it be prevented, if at all?

Edited by RoseRed135

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In DS first 15 years living closely to PGM and seeing her at least twice each day during the summer because we ran a family business together and the kids were free labor as soon as they got big enough, it would have helped immensely if she showed some appreciation for all the work that they did do instead of flaunting her favoritism to their only cousin who never did a days work on the farm but was bought three computers during that time while my two never received a nice gift like that.  It didn't help that she was the one that told them that she had bought him another computer because his was old.  The kids came and asked me why she did that and I told them to go ask her...she sputtered because she didn't think anyone would ever question anything she had ever done.

So...grandparents need to watch their general attitude around their grandkids.  Even teen can have a line.  She finally crossed over his line and he said no more.

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My 25 year old nephew lives 5 minutes away from my mother.  My AC live 3 and 6 hours away.  They see their GM 2-3 times a year.  My AC call once in a while.  My nephew- never.  That's just the way he is.  He doesn't not like his GM.  He's just all into "me".  My mother was a nice grandmother.  She is not CO emotionally, but physically she may as well be.  Just sayin.....

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With one set of GP's they are manipulative, controlling jerks so kids CO them out of their lives. With the other GM everything is about the GK's who live near her that she sees. For example, Kid will say something s/he is proud of her/himself for, doing good in school, etc. and GM will turn it around to "Oh well cousin1, blah, blah, blah,...and cousin 2 blah, blah, blah" so while not CO calls are rare because s/he gets tired of the competition conversations. There is no relationship at all with GF either because no GK's exist in his life except from YDD, whom he spoils but none of the other many GK's are not acknowledged for any reason.

For helping the relationship along, don't have competition conversations, for one, and 2, don't be jerks to kids. Listen instead of trying to talk over and take over the conversation.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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I spent hours upon hours with my maternal grandparents as a child. I actually really wanted my kids to have a similar experience with the grandparents. To some extent, they had some version of it with my mom. Mom didn't retire until after they could stay home by themselves, so the need for summer 'granny nanny' wasn't there by the time she had the freedom to offer it. But they did spend frequent spring breaks with her after she retired. A direct result was the amount of time that they saw my dad increased as well. And MY grandparents frequently had them for overnights when they were young. My ILs on the other hand were more 'gift giving=love' types. Well, MIL was. She bought gifts for every possible event, to show her love. She really did love them. I don't doubt that. Her methods lacked something to be desired for showing her love. But she did love them. And they loved her. 

FIL, is another thing altogether. They all get the opportunity to see him. Some of them more than others. But the opportunity is there. But his behavior since MIL passed away has been incomprehensible to all of us. While the last year or so we've started to suspect the possibility of early dementia, we also know that MIL protected all of us from a lot of his bad behavior when she was alive. His terrible behavior has led to nearly all of his grandchildren (all are adults except for my youngest, who is nearly 17) choosing not to spend time with him. They are very low contact. And it wouldn't take much for them to cut him off entirely. 

Kids aren't stupid or blind. They see things from a very early age. The have emotional banks just like adults do. And if you drain the emotional bank dry, you can't expect to get anything more from it unless you put in deposits on occasion. 

Edited by BlueEyedGirl
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Diva has been ITO/VVVVLC w/MIL ever since MIL sent me a Mother's Day card that left her out of the number of children I had. Was more than bad enough that MIL would occasionally 'forget' to include Diva among Wolf's children, but to leave her out of how many children *I* had?! Yeah, that's a no fly zone.

MIL sometimes asks to talk to her, but Diva's had enough. I think MIL not even uttering a 'congrats' about Wolf adopting Diva just cemented that one.

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My two youngest AC Co their PGM after Thanksgiving at her house 4yrs ago. She treated their SO's badly and that was the straw that broke the camels back. They spent every weekend at her house for eight years but didn't seem to form a bond with her. She made them feel defective and inadequate. Her other grandkids lived 4hrs away and she rarely saw them but in her opinion they were the greatest thing since sliced bread. XMIL saw her children & grandchildren as a reflection on her and nothing more. 

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18 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

Diva has been ITO/VVVVLC w/MIL ever since MIL sent me a Mother's Day card that left her out of the number of children I had. Was more than bad enough that MIL would occasionally 'forget' to include Diva among Wolf's children, but to leave her out of how many children *I* had?! Yeah, that's a no fly zone.

MIL sometimes asks to talk to her, but Diva's had enough. I think MIL not even uttering a 'congrats' about Wolf adopting Diva just cemented that one.

Imp, I can't even wrap my head around this! 

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Just now, BlueEyedGirl said:

Imp, I can't even wrap my head around this! 

She's....speshul.

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On 11/21/2017 at 10:00 PM, LimberlostGirl said:

My two youngest AC Co their PGM after Thanksgiving at her house 4yrs ago. She treated their SO's badly and that was the straw that broke the camels back. They spent every weekend at her house for eight years but didn't seem to form a bond with her. She made them feel defective and inadequate. Her other grandkids lived 4hrs away and she rarely saw them but in her opinion they were the greatest thing since sliced bread. XMIL saw her children & grandchildren as a reflection on her and nothing more. 

And a distorted reflection, no doubt. I'll bet if the other grands had seen her more often, she would have found fault w/ them, too.

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DH sent a note to DGS that read “ I am sorry that I upset you. I apologize. Love you, Grampa”

DS sends me an email “ that is such a lame *** card that he sent. He’s not even apologizing for what he did. I don’t think you guys get why DGS is upset” grrrrrrrrrrr. The apology was entirely DH idea. 

What is Grampa guilty of? Saying “let me finish for once” the upteenth time DS has interrupted DH. DS got up, said “we are done”! His wife said “you are a horrible person we are leaving.” DGS hugged us both, told us he loved us and left.

DS told me later “Grampa made DGS cry the way he treated his Dad and stepmom”. Perhaps DGS cried because stepmom badmouthed Grampa in front of him? DGS is 11. On what planet is it good parenting to badmouth a family member in front of a child?

I am so tired of arguing. Both DS and wife are what I call “wound counters.” I’m afraid they have turned DGS the same.

comments?

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So OTOH, DS tells DGS he can still have a relationship w/ DH. But OTOH, he criticizes DH attempt to reconnect w/ GS. I'm sorry, Annie, but I think the cards are stacked against you by both DS and SM. GS probably feels caught in the middle and as if he has to choose sides. And, of course, he's going to choose his parents. It's what he needs to do, and I hope you understand that. But my heart goes out to you and DH.

TBF, DH's apology would not be satisfactory to a lot of adults b/c he didn't actually admit to any wrongdoing. But clearly, he doesn't think he did anything wrong (and you agree w/ him), so he gave the most sincere apology he could. I may be wrong, but I think it would be satisfactory to most kids GS' age, precocious or not, unless an adult tells them otherwise. At this point, IMO, DS is driving this.... sigh...

Edited by RoseRed135
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DS never gave DGS the apology note from Grampa. I am livid. What right does he have to not give an apology note from Grampa to DGS? This has zero to do with him. This is between DGS and Grampa. Grrrrrrrrrr.......

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24 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

DS never gave DGS the apology note from Grampa. I am livid. What right does he have to not give an apology note from Grampa to DGS? This has zero to do with him. This is between DGS and Grampa. Grrrrrrrrrr.......

How did you find out?

It definitely sounds as if DS is firmly in the middle of this. I'm so sorry.

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I asked.

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13 hours ago, annierobyn said:

DS never gave DGS the apology note from Grampa. I am livid. What right does he have to not give an apology note from Grampa to DGS? This has zero to do with him. This is between DGS and Grampa. Grrrrrrrrrr.......

The parental right- It has 100% to do with him and 0% to do with you- But I understand you being mad since Grampa put forth effort to fix it- 

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The relationship with the father has to be repaired before the relationship with the grandson can be fixed.

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He has put himself in the middle of a situation that has zero to do with him. This is between Grampa and grandson. 

His habit IS to put himself into the middle of most things. this is a HUGE part of DS’s interpersonal issues.

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He is responsible for his minor child, therefore it has much to do with him and grandpa needs to work through the adult parent to make contact with the minor child.

ETA:  Just like if I wanted to invite my teenage GD for the weekend, I'd get in touch with my DD first and be sure they had no prior plans for the weekend first.  Then if DD says GDs weekend is free I would call her on her phone and invite her over.  At that point her Mother and I have already made transportation arrangements and GD doesn't have to get involved in a "she said, yep she said" conversation, just a simple "I'm looking forward to spending the weekend...see you Friday"

Edited by SueSTx

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32 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

He has put himself in the middle of a situation that has zero to do with him. This is between Grampa and grandson. 

His habit IS to put himself into the middle of most things. this is a HUGE part of DS’s interpersonal issues.

Annie, the little guy is your son's child- And until he is an adult his father can insert himself anywhere he desires regarding his child-

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1 minute ago, Komorebi said:

Annie, the little guy is your son's child- And until he is an adult his father can insert himself anywhere he desires regarding his child-

Your son sounds difficult to get along with.  I'm looking at the big picture here.  Not just this situation.  But what Komorebi and Sue are saying are still true.

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Gee where I come from it’s actually illegal to open someone else’s mail.

 

suestx x I agree with what you said. That’s about making plans with the adults PRIOR to inviting DGD over. I’m talking about an adult withholding a letter of apology from an adult to a child when said adult has stated that “just because Grampa and I don’t get along has nothing to do with your relationship with him and we will facilitate you getting together with him.”hmmmmmmm.

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5 minutes ago, annierobyn said:

Gee where I come from it’s actually illegal to open someone else’s mail.

 

suestx x I agree with what you said. That’s about making plans with the adults PRIOR to inviting DGD over. I’m talking about an adult withholding a letter of apology from an adult to a child when said adult has stated that “just because Grampa and I don’t get along has nothing to do with your relationship with him and we will facilitate you getting together with him.”hmmmmmmm.

To my knowledge, parents have a right to intercept and w/hold mail from minor children. So in that respect, IMO, Sue and Komo are still correct.

However, I see the discrepancy between what DS said about "facilitating" GS' relationship w/ "Grampa" and what he's actually doing.  Again, very sorry about this.

But I don't see where there's anything you or Grampa can do about this, unless, as PPs have said, Grampa can fix his relationship w/ DS.

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OK...I did a search and this is what I found

Can parents open mail addressed to their children legally?

 
Based on US Code found in Title 18 Chapter 83 Sec. 1702 which reads "Whoever takes any letter, postal card, or package out of any post office or any authorized depository for mail matter, or from any letter or mail carrier, or which has been in any post office or authorized depository, or in the custody... show more Based on US Code found in Title 18 Chapter 83 Sec. 1702 which reads
"Whoever takes any letter, postal card, or package out of any post
office or any authorized depository for mail matter, or from any
letter or mail carrier, or which has been in any post office or
authorized depository, or in the custody of any letter or mail
carrier, before it has been delivered to the person to whom it was
directed, with design to obstruct the correspondence, or to pry
into the business or secrets of another, or opens, secretes,
embezzles, or destroys the same, shall be fined under this title or
imprisoned not more than five years, or both."

It should theoretically speaking be illegal for parents to open any mail that is addressed to their kids. It would also mean it is illegal for them to return a letter to the sender based on that code. Am I correct on this?
*************************************************************
    
Your parents are fully entitled to go through your mail up until the day you turn 18, unless you get yourself emancipated by the courts. The minute you become a legal adult it becomes a federal offense if they open your mail without your consent.
 
Source(s): Three years as a customer service rep for the United States Postal Service - and having to answer this exact concern many, many times.
_______________________________________________
This comment is about 7 years old so do your own search, but I think this is what you will find also.
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Sooo question of the week...DH has sent a letter of apology to DGS. DS has not allowed DGS to read it. What do we do now to open the lines of communication with DGS? 

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