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appleton

Update on marriage

13 posts in this topic

Hello,

it's been a while  (years) since I last posted or been on this site. I wanted to update... things have gotten worse since the last time I posted about my husband. Our kids are older now- and the older one is affected by my husband's immature  behavior. I started a full time job within the last year and am getting my own benefits and bought my own car- so he can't threaten me. 

I've been going to the abuse counseling and treatment center for months. I am planning on leaving with my kids in the next few months. I have saved up cash.

My husband still blames me for alienating his mom- although I don't stop them from seeing her. I don't see her anymore, which is nice. My husband calls my parents an ******* in front of my kids (on 2 occasions), he's told me to go **** myself (in front of my kids) and called me an ******* in front of my kids. My son who just started school says his dad doesn't like kids. 

My husband blames and punishes me frequently for things that I do. And I'm looking forward to leaving him. Last time I wrote about him, a lot of you were telling me there wasn't hope in the relationship, and now I am seeing the same thing- only like 3 years later. I am just fearful of an ugly divorce and of my husband talking bad about me and my family to the kids. 

 

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38 minutes ago, appleton said:

Hello,

it's been a while  (years) since I last posted or been on this site. I wanted to update... things have gotten worse since the last time I posted about my husband. Our kids are older now- and the older one is affected by my husband's immature  behavior. I started a full time job within the last year and am getting my own benefits and bought my own car- so he can't threaten me. 

I've been going to the abuse counseling and treatment center for months. I am planning on leaving with my kids in the next few months. I have saved up cash.

My husband still blames me for alienating his mom- although I don't stop them from seeing her. I don't see her anymore, which is nice. My husband calls my parents an ******* in front of my kids (on 2 occasions), he's told me to go **** myself (in front of my kids) and called me an ******* in front of my kids. My son who just started school says his dad doesn't like kids. 

My husband blames and punishes me frequently for things that I do. And I'm looking forward to leaving him. Last time I wrote about him, a lot of you were telling me there wasn't hope in the relationship, and now I am seeing the same thing- only like 3 years later. I am just fearful of an ugly divorce and of my husband talking bad about me and my family to the kids. 

 

Welcome back, appleton! You really haven't been here in a long time!

I'm so deeply sorry about the downward spiral of your marriage and its effect on your children.. (((Hugs!))) I'm glad you going to extricate your kids and yourself from this unhappy situation. I understand your being "fearful of an ugly divorce," but IMO, things could be uglier if you stayed, sad to say.. Wishing you all the strength and courage you need to move forward...

Edited by RoseRed135
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Meanwhile, some things have changed since you were here last, especially after the update in 2016. As such, you might  want to review the following GP.com thread, if you haven't already, even though you didn't "just join":

 

You also may want to check out your current options in the following thread (they've changed a little, mostly increasing):

 

Hope we continue to hear from you! :)

 

 

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Thanks Rose Red for all your help in the past and now! I will look the information over.

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Way to go Appleton! You deserve way better then this excuse for a DH! Take care of yourself and your kids! Stay strong leave and never look back!

That being said, with the divorce just be prepared for the worst - keep as much documentation as you can on his behavior... keep everything and record conversations! Just stay diligent hopefully there will be no need for it but best be prepared...

i know it scary, and I am sure nerve racking... and although I am a total stranger I am so very proud of you! ❤️❤️❤️

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Get the kids in counseling if they aren't already. A good kids' therapist can help them navigate the muddy water ahead and learn that that what their dad says about their mom is his problem and not theirs.

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5 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

Get the kids in counseling if they aren't already. A good kids' therapist can help them navigate the muddy water ahead and learn that that what their dad says about their mom is his problem and not theirs.

Absolutely. A therapist, and see if they can be appointed their own lawyer as well (some places have it for free, I believe).

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Thanks for all the support!   My kids are 4 and 6 years old. My 6 year old is having issues now- with separating from me. I went to someone to try to get him into therapy and the guy told me that my child was too young. Since I can't let the kids know what is going to happen until I move out- since my husband can't know, should I wait for therapy until we separate? If my older child did go to therapy before we separate, what would they talk about?

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33 minutes ago, appleton said:

Thanks for all the support!   My kids are 4 and 6 years old. My 6 year old is having issues now- with separating from me. I went to someone to try to get him into therapy and the guy told me that my child was too young. Since I can't let the kids know what is going to happen until I move out- since my husband can't know, should I wait for therapy until we separate? If my older child did go to therapy before we separate, what would they talk about?

Therapy at this age is often "play" directed. It's more like the 'parallel play' young kids engage in. The therapist will ask questions and the child can act out his feelings with the toys...Surprisingly effective and informative. It's a safe place for the child to express feelings without having to deal with someone else's emotions. Get a referral from your pediatrician.

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On 11/18/2017 at 6:59 PM, appleton said:

Our kids are older now- and the older one is affected by my husband's immature  behavior.

My husband calls my parents an ******* in front of my kids (on 2 occasions), he's told me to go **** myself (in front of my kids) and called me an ******* in front of my kids. My son who just started school says his dad doesn't like kids. 

 

 

You're question below is answered, IMO, by your comments above. No doubt, as Mame says, ODS would be getting "play therapy," but any issues on his mind would likely come out there. That's what I think, anyhow. I'm no psychologist, of course.

2 hours ago, appleton said:

Thanks for all the support!   My kids are 4 and 6 years old. My 6 year old is having issues now- with separating from me. I went to someone to try to get him into therapy and the guy told me that my child was too young. Since I can't let the kids know what is going to happen until I move out- since my husband can't know, should I wait for therapy until we separate? If my older child did go to therapy before we separate, what would they talk about?

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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I'm sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like you have help through the support center and have a exit strategy plan in place.  Stay strong, that strength will be needed by your kids in the coming months.  I hope it all comes together for you, take it one day at a time, you'll get there.

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15 hours ago, appleton said:

Thanks for all the support!   My kids are 4 and 6 years old. My 6 year old is having issues now- with separating from me. I went to someone to try to get him into therapy and the guy told me that my child was too young. Since I can't let the kids know what is going to happen until I move out- since my husband can't know, should I wait for therapy until we separate? If my older child did go to therapy before we separate, what would they talk about?

I think the best would be if you can get out sooner than later, and get the kids the therapy they need, that way there are no issues with the icky DH... if you are seeing impact on the kids they are probably absorbing more of this than you would like. And perhaps a therapist can help as you explain the situation to them?

If you can't get out sooner, then I think you gotta go with your instincts, if you think eldest would benefit from therapy - then I would say go for it.

When we had problems with MIL including a bad incident at DS school DS started going to the school couselor.  She gave me updates on him, and although we did decide (after another bad incident) to put him in therapy for a while(I should note the couselor did not think this was needed but we decided as he was developing some separation anxiety from myself), the couselor would be able to recommend if that is what is needed. Maybe that is an opinion? That way its at school and not on the radar?

 

Edited by Tobias41
Clarification
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Thanks for all the input. I got a referral from his physician for counseling. This last week my son hit a child 2x for "no apparent reason", and I had to talk to the assistant principal about it. this is not normal behavior for him. Yes, he is affected. It was weird because he didn't seem bothered by the situation until a few months ago. but I guess he picks up on more now that he is older.

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