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sgmkma

What Rights Do We Have?

25 posts in this topic

I am just curious as to what 'rights' grandparents have wherever in the world you live?

 

Here, New Zealand, we have none, and I think that is very unfair!!!

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7 minutes ago, AlfieG said:

I am just curious as to what 'rights' grandparents have wherever in the world you live?

 

Here, New Zealand, we have none, and I think that is very unfair!!!

Why? Did your parents have any rights? Would you have wanted them to?

Edited by Komorebi

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why do I think it is unfair? 

Because some of us do everything for the child having the child, and do everything for the baby from birth until whenever they are just ripped from your heart with no noticed, and you are told you will never see them again....

My daughter lived with me, and 'used' me, for everything she could. I did all I could for both her and my grandson, then she left, and poisoned everyone who would listen against me.

and if you think I am bitter, I am, very much so

I love my grandson to the moon and back, and she used my feelings for him to hurt me the best way she could.

I just want to have to right to somehow find out where she is and visit him, and I do not mean stalk her

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21 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Why? Did your parents have any rights? Would you have wanted them to?

It feels like you are attacking me, and that is not what I came here for

Please stop it :(

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20 minutes ago, AlfieG said:

why do I think it is unfair? 

Because some of us do everything for the child having the child, and do everything for the baby from birth until whenever they are just ripped from your heart with no noticed, and you are told you will never see them again....

My daughter lived with me, and 'used' me, for everything she could. I did all I could for both her and my grandson, then she left, and poisoned everyone who would listen against me.

and if you think I am bitter, I am, very much so

I love my grandson to the moon and back, and she used my feelings for him to hurt me the best way she could.

I just want to have to right to somehow find out where she is and visit him, and I do not mean stalk her

I'm thinking of my own mother who, while she was kind to me (?) and did what she could, I would not want her to have any rights to my children, by law, while I was healthy and alive- I also do not want any rights to my grandchildren because I do not want to be a parent twice -- unless circumstances were to arise that I had to- As much as I love my adult children and grandchildren, I trust they will make mistakes and/or take advantage of a situation if or when allowed to- I just don't think any of us are who we want each other to be at all times and that wanting such a thing with every fibre of our being can lead to deep sadness and bitter disappointment-

I do support grandparents being allowed to petition the court for visitation, which some states allow- But I don't support enforcing visitation- I think the court should be a place where a grandparent should be able to publicly and legally express an interest in their estranged grandchildren and also serve as a data base to discover family members in the event the grandchildren become wards of the state due to unfortunate circumstances / situations- 

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58 minutes ago, AlfieG said:

It feels like you are attacking me, and that is not what I came here for

Please stop it :(

Ok- But that's not what I was doing- Alright?

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I'm going to go out on a limb here....both of your children, Jen, are denying you contact with your grandkids. I totally understand your bitterness in the situation. Have you asked what their reasoning is? If they have said, does their reason have validity (whether you agree or not). 

 

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1 minute ago, Mame925 said:

I'm going to go out on a limb here....both of your children, Jen, are denying you contact with your grandkids. I totally understand your bitterness in the situation. Have you asked what their reasoning is? If they have said, does their reason have validity (whether you agree or not). 

 

If you are replying to me, my name is Jan :)

My daughter packed up and moved out taking my GS with her, not only denying me contact but not even telling me where she is. And she said that once she left I would never see or hear from them ever again

My son told me recently, that he blames me 100% for how my daughter is feeling, and I brought it all on myself, and when I asked him what he meant, what she said etc etc he did not answer me, and because of his feeling for me he has denied me contact with my GD

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Jan, I knew that, should have double checked...sorry.

Did anything specific trigger your DD's sudden move? She's obviously angry about something and is blaming you for it, whether it was your fault or not. And she filled your DS with her story.

What is the history with your son?

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1 minute ago, Mame925 said:

Jan, I knew that, should have double checked...sorry.

Did anything specific trigger your DD's sudden move? She's obviously angry about something and is blaming you for it, whether it was your fault or not. And she filled your DS with her story.

What is the history with your son?

oh gee how long do you have, but I shall 'try' to keep it short

when my DD was late teens I was contacted by an online friend of hers who was worried about her. We got chatting over the weeks, and this guy could not believe I was as nice as I was because my DD had made me out to be a monster, abusive, a ***** you name it. I had not known of any of this at that point, but after I did a little digging I found out she had been spreading these lies to anybody who would listen.

Trying to find out from her why why she was doing this to me, all she would do was shrug.

Couple years later she moved out of home, and she didn't contact me for over a year. At that time we made contact again, and started building a relationship (or so I thought) again.

about 6 months later she asked to move back home (for a few weeks) as the flat she was in had fallen apart. I agreed as I didn't want to see her on the street.

From the day she moved in tensions were not good. Not 100% of the time but a lot of time, then she got pregnant.

 

 

Please let me know if you would like me to continue, or I can stop there and you can draw your own conclusions :)

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Please continue, drawing my own conclusions won't help me help you

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Just now, Mame925 said:

Please continue, drawing my own conclusions won't help me help you

Okay so shes pregnant. I do not freak out, although she does, but she gets over it. I was supportive from day one. Over the months I helped her set up nursery, take her to ante natal classes, doctors visits etc. She can't drive and is on a very limited welfare benefit.

Generally things 'seem' okay, on the surface at least. But I start hearing whispers again that she is up to her old tricks and bad mouthing me to everyone who will listen. My DS demands I tell him what I am doing etc for her to do this, yet I have no clue whatsoever.

DD and I talk, argue, until I think the air has been cleared.

Baby arrives. I am the 1st person she contacts after he enters this world. A few days in hospital and I bring them both home. Again I help where I can, I always ask her, never just do, because I know what is can be like if my mum had just started 'doing' for my kids, or telling me how I should be doing this and that. No matter what I did, or didn't do my DD always told me I was trying to take over the care of her son, which was the furtherest thing I was doing, and I tried telling her this on more than one occasion

I told her I did not want to be mum again, as I have done that, I just wanted to be Grandma. But with them living in my house it wasn't always easy to just shut things off. Plus I work out of the home and am tired and just don't have the energy to be a mum at my age, but she still keep saying I am trying to take over

Shortly after this I realise she is still lying to me, stealing from me, and still bad mouthing me to whomever, so I sit her down again and have a longggggggg talk with her. I tell her that is she continues this way I will not kick her out but I will give her 12 months notice to get out. 

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Beginning of August I go away for a few days and when I come back I notice she has bought a bed for herself. I am confused and question her about it, and she says its for when she gets a flat early next year.

On Sept 6th this year I gave her the 12 months notice to move out as she was still doing what she had been doing, and she shrugged and said it made no difference as she was moving next year anyway

I asked where she would be moving to, she said she didn't know

A couple of weeks back we had an arguement and I asked if she still planned on moving out, and she said YES, I asked when, she said as soon as possible as she had already been applying to some places.

I asked her where she was looking for a flat she said she was not going to tell me, when I asked her why not she said because when she moved out I was never going to see her or my GS again, and she would move out one day when I was at work. Last Wednesday was that day

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don't get me wrong, I am glad she has moved out, but I am not glad I have no contact with my GS. He was in my life for his whole life.

she has always looked for ways to hurt me, and taking him is the ultimate way of doing this, and she knows it

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21 minutes ago, AlfieG said:

don't get me wrong, I am glad she has moved out, but I am not glad I have no contact with my GS. He was in my life for his whole life.

she has always looked for ways to hurt me, and taking him is the ultimate way of doing this, and she knows it

She may be doing what she feels is best for her, and her child. You guys have an ongoing, difficult relationship. The energy she puts into dealing with that is energy she cannot give to her child.

I understand you're hurt, but hurting you may not be her motivation. She may need space to be the best, healthiest parent she can be for her child.

Perhaps reframing it in that way will help you, vs thinking her only purpose is to hurt you.

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4 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

She may be doing what she feels is best for her, and her child. You guys have an ongoing, difficult relationship. The energy she puts into dealing with that is energy she cannot give to her child.

I understand you're hurt, but hurting you may not be her motivation. She may need space to be the best, healthiest parent she can be for her child.

Perhaps reframing it in that way will help you, vs thinking her only purpose is to hurt you.

what you say could be true, but its the way she did it

and to not let me even know the area she is living in, is not what a  normal person would do. She is an adult now, and if all she wanted was space to be the best she can be, she wouldn't have had to have done it that way.

I did not oppose her moving out, I told her that if she wanted I would even help her.

No sorry, she did it to hurt me, else she wouldn't have been like a thief in the night and snuck away

All the toys I bought my GS, and the toys friends of mine bought him, she left here when she moved out

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1 hour ago, AlfieG said:

what you say could be true, but its the way she did it

and to not let me even know the area she is living in, is not what a  normal person would do. She is an adult now, and if all she wanted was space to be the best she can be, she wouldn't have had to have done it that way.

I did not oppose her moving out, I told her that if she wanted I would even help her.

No sorry, she did it to hurt me, else she wouldn't have been like a thief in the night and snuck away

All the toys I bought my GS, and the toys friends of mine bought him, she left here when she moved out

No, not the actions of a normal person just moving. It sounds as though she's afraid.

 

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4 hours ago, AlfieG said:

It feels like you are attacking me, and that is not what I came here for

Please stop it :(

Sorry you felt attacked. But, as I think you can see, that's not what Komorebi intended.

Also, please be aware that GP.com has specific definitions of "personal attack." You can read them if you click on this thread:

 

You also might want to look at the guidelines, overall, if you haven't already:

 

Though this ^^^^ says "on this forum," the rules apply to the entire Community - all Forums, Blogs, Gallery, etc. In fact, there is a similar thread or the link to one in every forum.

 

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@AlfieG - What a dramatic change that is - from living w/ GS and seeing him every day to not even knowing where he is! I can barely imagine the pain! (((Hugs!)))

It's possible DD was "just using" you, as you say... sigh... It's also possible that, given the tensions you speak of, she's very angry, right now, and needs some space to clear her head (not that this excuses how she went about it). And yes... sigh... if she is very angry, whether it's warranted or not, she might have done what she just did "to hurt" you. If that's the case, it was cruel and immature of her, and I'm deeply sorry.

DD always told me I was trying to take over the care of her son, which was the furtherest thing I was doing, and I tried telling her this on more than one occasion... I told her I did not want to be mum again, as I have done that, I just wanted to be Grandma. But with them living in my house it wasn't always easy to just shut things off. Plus I work out of the home and am tired and just don't have the energy to be a mum at my age, but she still keep saying I am trying to take over...

Ok, this ^^^^ is a tricky one for me. It reminds me of an argument I used to have w/ my DM (dear mom/mother), even though we had a fairly good relationship. Unlike your DD, I didn't live w/ her, but, still, sometimes, I would accuse her of trying to "take over"/ be the "mom." She would deny it, saying she didn't want to take care of kids again (except for babysitting), etc. But the fact is that while she didn't want to do daily childcare, she did want a major say in the decisions DH and I made for our kids. That's what I meant when I told her she was trying to take over.

Could that be what your DD means? Did you try to weigh in on any of her childcare decisions? - How & what to feed baby? How often to pick him up when he cries? Anything? After all, she's very young and, elsewhere, you tell us she's "unstable." I can see where you might have sometimes felt that you needed to step in (maybe not, just feeling around for possibilities). Granted, you say you "always ask" before you do anything for them - and bless you for that! But you also admit "with them living in my house it wasn't always easy to just shut things off," which is very understandable, IMO. Perhaps you overstepped sometimes w/o even realizing it? Were any of the tensions over childrearing disagreements? Maybe not - I'm just trying to help you figure this out.

...and to not let me even know the area she is living in, is not what a  normal person would do.

It may be cold comfort, but we've heard this before on these boards. It usually happens, sad to say, when a parent doesn't want to take the chance that the GP might come over unexpectedly or contact them in any way. If DD feels you have a tendency to "take over,"  this might be the reason why she has distanced herself from you to this degree. Her concern may be totally unfounded, but if she believes it, this may be why she went about the move the way she did - not to hurt you, if that's any help, but to shield herself from possible interference.

Regardless of her motives, she may just need some time. I don't want to raise false hope, but, eventually, she might reach out to you again. I certainly hope so.

Edited by RoseRed135
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P.S. As for "rights," here in the U.S. it varies state-by-state. But no state, that I know of gives a GP automatic rights to visit their GC or to have info about where their AC and GC live. Most states, I think, do give GPs the right to petition the court for visitation, etc. But often the GP has to meet certain criteria. The fact that GS lived in your house for several months would be a strong argument in your favor in some states. But there's no guarantee you would win... FWIW...

Also, it's hard to sue for visitation, IMO, if you (general) can't locate your AC and GC. Do you think that might be another reason DD left so stealthily? Would it have occurred to her that you might go to court?

Edited by RoseRed135

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I can't seem to remember, How old is your daughter and your grandchild?

I am 12 years older than my youngest sister.  I can remember when my two youngest sisters and two brothers first got married in the late 70 and early 80's that the "girls" seemed to always be arguing at mothers about who said what to whose child.  Baby sister would call me complaining and I would tell her as soon as the youngest got to be 25 to 30 that they would be mature enough to see it in a different light.

Is your daughter and son both mature enough to see how you have helped them?  

I still advise to wait patiently for a bit.  It took my husband and our daughter five years to patch up their relationship and she was in her mid 30's.

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1 hour ago, SueSTx said:

I can't seem to remember, How old is your daughter and your grandchild?

Is your daughter and son both mature enough to see how you have helped them?  

I still advise to wait patiently for a bit.  It took my husband and our daughter five years to patch up their relationship and she was in her mid 30's.

DD is 21, 22 this March - GS is 10 months today actually - DS is 30 this Saturday

as for them being mature, my DD I would say no, and as for my DS I would hope he should be, as hes happily married, with a 5 year old and holding down a good job, living in Australia

and as for waiting patiently, I don't really have any choice in that.

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Hi Jan I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I have a DD, a little older than yours and I cannot imagine how awful it would be to have her living somewhere with a GC I didn’t get to see and I didn’t know how to contact her. I’m confused about one thing- your son is 30,and has a DD, is that right? But he somehow agrees with your DD about you not seeing your GS and now also forbids you to see his child? What on earth prompted that? It all sounds very odd to me, but he’s the stable one, correct? 

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6 hours ago, Aravis said:

Hi Jan I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I have a DD, a little older than yours and I cannot imagine how awful it would be to have her living somewhere with a GC I didn’t get to see and I didn’t know how to contact her. I’m confused about one thing- your son is 30,and has a DD, is that right? But he somehow agrees with your DD about you not seeing your GS and now also forbids you to see his child? What on earth prompted that? It all sounds very odd to me, but he’s the stable one, correct? 

He is the 'more' stable one I guess LOL

Yes, my DD has been saying whatever to whoever, including her brother, about me for god knows how long. And her brother, amongst others have believed whatever she has been saying. I have no clue what it is.

Yes my DS is 30 this Saturday and he has a DD who just turned 5 less than a month ago, and yes, because of what my DD has been saying he has denied me any contact with his DD

It all sounds very odd with me also, and I have wondered this for years. I have asked my son what my DD has been saying, he won't say, he just says that she has told him "she hates me, and I have driven her to breaking point and she had to get out." The last thing my DS demanded of me was I tell him why his sister hates me, and that I cannot answer

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Alfie, again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I do have one observation, but it may be uncomfortable for you to think about. You mention that your son seems to have changed his tune concurrent with what happened with your daughter. I'm curious about that, simply because if one of my siblings started spewing lies about our mom, my first assumption wouldn't be that my sibling was the one in the right and to cut mom out.  My first leaning would be that something happened between them and that it was between them. An argument between my mom and one of my siblings wouldn't automatically lead me to cut my mom out of my life or my child's life. What was the relationship between you and your son like before all of this happened? 

 

 

Edited by BlueEyedGirl
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