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INCOGNITO

A small recap and question

131 posts in this topic

A quick recap: We told MIL years ago she needed to apologize for hurtful behavior, she refused and CO'd our enitre family. The CO has lasted years! Earlier this year, DH almost died. For his bday (which was not long after he almost died), MIL FINALLY broke her CO and messaged him a happy birthday. Nothing more, just "Happy birthday". That was the first positive communication we'd had in YEARS from MIL and the first communication we'd had at all for quite a few years. Later in the year, DH took it upon himself to wish MIL and FIL a Happy Thanksgiving each by way of text to each of their phones. They both responded positively at different times on Thanksgiving day. Then earlier in December, DH sent MIL a happy birthday text, which was acknowledged with a positive reply back and rather quickly even. DH and I talked about sending them a Merry Christmas text to each of their phones. We opted not to as the last few communications have been initiated by DH and we've told them we won't maintain a one sided relationship, like we had been doing for years prior to MIL CO'ing our family and that they would need to take an active role in the relationship, should they wish to have one. FIL was starting to. IF DH initiated one holiday acknowledgement, FIL would do the next...sometimes, not always.

FIL went out of his way to wish ODD a Merry Christmas last year, ignored her for her bday this year. (Usually would get her a card and mail it to her acknowledging her bdays over the past several years.) Nothing this year. DH only got a text happy birthday from FIL and a separate one from MIL.this year. Again, both replied positively to the Happy Thanksgiving (sometimes FIL would reply with a nasty message in reply) so we weren't sure how or if they'd respond.

So Christmas came and went and absolutely NOTHING from either PIL. Usually FIL sends us a card signed by himself and MIL, sometimes he'll follow up with a text, not always. This year NADA! Not ONE word, no card, no text, NOTHING. We are not sure what to make of it as it seemed to be going well with the back and forths so far the last few months. Not sure if they just expected DH to initiate all communications again or what.

Now, I don't know if this is related or not... earlier this year, one of our rent checks to FIL was not cashed. He has always cashed them within 2-3 days in the past so this was strange. If he lost it, he'd let us know immediately, which only happened once. Now, I am probably reading too much into this but if I think about all the checks we have not cashed from FIL over the years, since MIL's CO of our family, for birthdays and Christmases it would be more than one rent check. I do not wish to ask FIL why he didn't cash the check; but if he didn't cash it because we never cashed any of the checks he's given us and he is forcing his gifts on us, shouldn't he tell us that is what he is doing? So it's been about 6 months now and the money is just being carried over month to month in case he does one day decide to cash it. I am thinking about calling the bank and putting a stop payment on the check and removing that money from our account, tucking it away somewhere so it doesn't get spent, as I hate having non cashed checks in my account for any length of time.We will not be contacting FIL about his not cashing that one particular check. He has cashed all others prior to this one and even since then.We do not know if he is sitting on it or if he threw it away.

If you are still reading, thanks for sticking with me and my wall of text. The whole thing is so confusing...they keep saying, we want a relationship but then ignore when it counts the most. Any thoughts, ideas, I have not considered or even if I have considered, would be appreciated.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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Yes, I quite well know I am giving them too much head space. I am just so sick of them continuing to hurt my family every chance they get, every time we turn around. I am so over the top done with them but DH still holds out an inkling of hope.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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Hi, banks usually charge a fee for stopping payment on checks, also the check you wrote out for the rent couldnt be cashed/deposited after 6 months, because according to bank law/policy checks are null/void after that period of time- You can call your bank to inquire -- for free-

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I write checks a lot for bday gifts because it is more convenient.  I never carry cash.  My DIL still has an Oct BD check she hasn't cashed.  She routinely does this.  At first when I was having difficulties with her, I thought this was some passive aggressive way to give me a hard time.  I wasn't sure what was up with this.  I gave her a grocery card one year for a BD gift and the next Christmas (14 months later) she made a comment about buying shrimp with a gift card she had (I assumed it was mine).  I have made a concerted effort to just give her cash or physical things but I screwed up this year.  I can joke about this now.  And see it as my problem- I know her and her history so its my fault that I didn't give her the cash.

My Point is, I read something into this whole thing that just wasn't there.  Just because someone always remembers to cash a check doesn't mean they forgot this one.  If this was not your FIL what would you do?  I would probably bring it to someones attention.  I wouldn't want evicted.   Isn't it weird renting from someone you can't even talk to?  What do you do if you need repairs?

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The rent is a business transaction and shouldn't have anything to do with personal issues. He may have forgotten or lost it then forgot about that, but unlikely he's using the rent as bait to bring you back into the 'web'.

Text him a business-like message. "My bank records show check #xyz from abc date is still outstanding. Please advise of status." Be guided by his answer. If he says he'll take care of it, give him 60 days to do so. If he says he lost it, replace it immediately, noting 'replacement for #xyz" in the memo then stop pmt on the old one. Business, clean and quick.

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4 hours ago, Komorebi said:

Hi, banks usually charge a fee for stopping payment on checks, also the check you wrote out for the rent couldnt be cashed/deposited after 6 months, because according to bank law/policy checks are null/void after that period of time- You can call your bank to inquire -- for free-

Yes, I keep forgetting to call. We have one bank that does not charge for that service, so am hoping this one will do the same for free.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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4 hours ago, skipped said:

I write checks a lot for bday gifts because it is more convenient.  I never carry cash.  My DIL still has an Oct BD check she hasn't cashed.  She routinely does this.  At first when I was having difficulties with her, I thought this was some passive aggressive way to give me a hard time.  I wasn't sure what was up with this.  I gave her a grocery card one year for a BD gift and the next Christmas (14 months later) she made a comment about buying shrimp with a gift card she had (I assumed it was mine).  I have made a concerted effort to just give her cash or physical things but I screwed up this year.  I can joke about this now.  And see it as my problem- I know her and her history so its my fault that I didn't give her the cash.

My Point is, I read something into this whole thing that just wasn't there.  Just because someone always remembers to cash a check doesn't mean they forgot this one.  If this was not your FIL what would you do?  I would probably bring it to someones attention.  I wouldn't want evicted.   Isn't it weird renting from someone you can't even talk to?  What do you do if you need repairs?

I don't know if I am reading too much into any of this either. We have no idea if this was on purpose or not. Any repairs needed, DH does. Our kitchen floor is falling through and FIL knows. He had us contact a contractor for a bid, then he contacted one of his friends for a bid. Our guy said it would cost $2000-$3000 but his friend, the floor would never fall through (it's under our refrigerator and was not caused by us but was here before we moved in due to their ice maker breaking and leaking). So since his guy told him it would never fall through, we've shown him the hall floor where it squeeks really bad from the leak and the rest of the kitchen floor but FIL still believes it OK and not worth fixing at this time, so since then DH is hesitant to bring anything to him for repairs and will just do it himself. No, we do not bill him for any repairs we make. Yes, I know it's money out of our pockets we should not be paying. DH doesn't care, as to him it's not worth contacting him over and easier to do it himself. Most things are not worth getting FIL involved in. He won't evict us and he's cashed all the other checks. We've done a lot of work to improve this place and FIL can see some of the improvements when he comes around to be nosy.

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3 hours ago, Mame925 said:

The rent is a business transaction and shouldn't have anything to do with personal issues. He may have forgotten or lost it then forgot about that, but unlikely he's using the rent as bait to bring you back into the 'web'.

Text him a business-like message. "My bank records show check #xyz from abc date is still outstanding. Please advise of status." Be guided by his answer. If he says he'll take care of it, give him 60 days to do so. If he says he lost it, replace it immediately, noting 'replacement for #xyz" in the memo then stop pmt on the old one. Business, clean and quick.

I don't think he's using the rent to bring us back into line. That wouldn't work anyway but this is a one time deal and if he'd done that years ago, we might have considered it as that but not this late in the situation. do you think it would it be OK to charge him any fees we incur for stopping payment, if any? Though we'd prefer to not contact him at all. I think whatever the reason for him not cashing it should be brought to us from him not us having to seek him out. We could contact him about it but there's no guarantee he'd respond anyway, nor in a positive way and we are just not ready to take that chance, at least not right now.

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2 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Yes, I keep forgetting to call. We have one bank that does not charge for that service, so am hoping this one will do the same for free.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

I wonder if he lost the check- One time I swore left, right and sideways that I made a deposit and years later found the cash and deposit slip in a book! I was in my 20's .. !!!

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2 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

I don't know if I am reading too much into any of this either. We have no idea if this was on purpose or not. Any repairs needed, DH does. Our kitchen floor is falling through and FIL knows. He had us contact a contractor for a bid, then he contacted one of his friends for a bid. Our guy said it would cost $2000-$3000 but his friend, the floor would never fall through (it's under our refrigerator and was not caused by us but was here before we moved in due to their ice maker breaking and leaking). So since his guy told him it would never fall through, we've shown him the hall floor where it squeeks really bad from the leak and the rest of the kitchen floor but FIL still believes it OK and not worth fixing at this time, so since then DH is hesitant to bring anything to him for repairs and will just do it himself. No, we do not bill him for any repairs we make. Yes, I know it's money out of our pockets we should not be paying. DH doesn't care, as to him it's not worth contacting him over and easier to do it himself. Most things are not worth getting FIL involved in. He won't evict us and he's cashed all the other checks. We've done a lot of work to improve this place and FIL can see some of the improvements when he comes around to be nosy.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

EEEKs.  Aren't you at all worried about putting money into a pit you'll never get back.  Are you expecting to inherit this house?  Sounds like an awkward situation.  What's the benefit for you?

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31 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

I wonder if he lost the check- One time I swore left, right and sideways that I made a deposit and years later found the cash and deposit slip in a book! I was in my 20's .. !!!

The one time he lost a check he contacted us right away, so no idea.

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9 minutes ago, skipped said:

EEEKs.  Aren't you at all worried about putting money into a pit you'll never get back.  Are you expecting to inherit this house?  Sounds like an awkward situation.  What's the benefit for you?

We have not put a lot of money into this place. The fixes have been pretty simple so far. If we did have something major, we would contact him but for us, and small fixes, it's just best for us to do them as we prefer not to deal with him. The noticeable changes are outside and not a big deal. We have no expectation for inheriting the house and we would not buy the house as is. He would have to fix a lot of stuff first, like the major floor repair.

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13 minutes ago, skipped said:

EEEKs.  Aren't you at all worried about putting money into a pit you'll never get back.  Are you expecting to inherit this house?  Sounds like an awkward situation.  What's the benefit for you?

The benefit to do the small repairs ourselves is not having to deal with the IL's at all. Again, we do contact him for major repairs and stuff that we can't take with us when we move, ie water pump, hot water tank, things like that.

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If he FORGOT about the check, then he wouldn't be calling you about it. Again, treat it like the business issue it is. 

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What I mean by what's in it for you.  I wouldn't want to rent a place from a landlord I can't talk to about repairs or even whether or not he cashed my rent check, who doesn't seem to want to fix major issues, who I have a difficult relationship with, who I have to worry might evict me or treat me unfairly due to our relationship unless there is SOMETHING positive about the arrangement.

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48 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

If he FORGOT about the check, then he wouldn't be calling you about it. Again, treat it like the business issue it is. 

Why is it my responsibility to remind folks about things they FORGOT about? I am around people all day long that FORGET about stuff. Not my problem. He balances his own check books. He can easily see what he has deposited or not. He has several businesses to keep track of and rentals, etc. Not my problem if he FORGOT.

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32 minutes ago, skipped said:

What I mean by what's in it for you.  I wouldn't want to rent a place from a landlord I can't talk to about repairs or even whether or not he cashed my rent check, who doesn't seem to want to fix major issues, who I have a difficult relationship with, who I have to worry might evict me or treat me unfairly due to our relationship unless there is SOMETHING positive about the arrangement.

Yes, I get what you are saying. Unless I choose to get a divorce at this point, it is what it is. I do NOT have to ever deal with him/them, DH does. Believe me, I have gone back and forth and divorce has seemed an option at times. It is not an easy decision to make and I would never make it lightly.

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8 minutes ago, INCOGNITO said:

Why is it my responsibility to remind folks about things they FORGOT about? I am around people all day long that FORGET about stuff. Not my problem. He balances his own check books. He can easily see what he has deposited or not. He has several businesses to keep track of and rentals, etc. Not my problem if he FORGOT.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

It's only your responsibility if you want to keep everything on an above board business level. You have noticed that YOUR financial records are skewed due to the check not being cashed. If you want to make sure you are credited with paying your rent on time (CYA...so to speak) you will need to take the steps to clear up this issue. How many businesses he deals with or anything else FIL deals with has no bearing. The check you wrote hasn't been cashed. Decide how you want to solve it.

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YOu've said your husband deals with your FIL- so technically you have nothing to do with it.

Also, as Mame says it's the right thing to do. If you get a refund check from the IRS for $1,000,000 are you going to cash it.  It's not my responsibility to babysit the IRS, but I doubt that excuse would get me anywhere if I cashed that check and then couldn't repay them because I blew the money

Edited by skipped

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56 minutes ago, Mame925 said:
57 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

It's only your responsibility if you want to keep everything on an above board business level. You have noticed that YOUR financial records are skewed due to the check not being cashed. If you want to make sure you are credited with paying your rent on time (CYA...so to speak) you will need to take the steps to clear up this issue. How many businesses he deals with or anything else FIL deals with has no bearing. The check you wrote hasn't been cashed. Decide how you want to solve it.

It's only your responsibility if you want to keep everything on an above board business level. You have noticed that YOUR financial records are skewed due to the check not being cashed. If you want to make sure you are credited with paying your rent on time (CYA...so to speak) you will need to 1 take the steps to clear up this issue. How many businesses he deals with or anything else FIL deals with has no bearing. The check you wrote hasn't been cashed. Decide how you want to solve it.

You are right, his business dealings are his dealings. That is why it is his responsibility to make an effort if he sees something is off on his end. If he doesn't see it as off, why should we bring it up? I don't go to other people or businesses if one of my checks didn't clear from them in a timely manner. Do you?

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19 minutes ago, skipped said:

YOu've said your husband deals with your FIL- so technically you have nothing to do with it.

Also, as Mame says it's the right thing to do. If you get a refund check from the IRS for $1,000,000 are you going to cash it.  It's not my responsibility to babysit the IRS, but I doubt that excuse would get me anywhere if I cashed that check and then couldn't repay them because I blew the money

I wouldn't cash a check like that in the first place because I know it's not mine and wrong. This is not the same thing. I don't think we should have to contact FIL to ASK him if he is going to cash the check or not. IF he lost it he would have contacted us and if he forgot about it, that is not our problem. He is a businessman and we have had checks not clear from businesses, whether they went out of business or lost the check, no idea. I don't contact everyone who does not cash my checks in a timely manner. IF there was an issue with the check he should have contacted us about it, like, if say, we forgot to sign it or something, which we've done that too and he brought it to our attention immediately, the one time it happened.  BUT my point was, if he was deliberately just not going to cash it, shouldn't he tell us that? We shouldn't have to seek him out to find that out.

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OTOH, if he was going to cash it, it's past the 6 months now anyway and he will have to contact us for a new check anyway, should he want one.

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So again, would it be reasonable to charge him, take the fee for stop payment, out of the rent, should we have to write another check due to his negligence?

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5 minutes ago, INCOGNITO said:

You are right, his business dealings are his dealings. That is why it is his responsibility to make an effort if he sees something is off on his end. If he doesn't see it as off, why should we bring it up? I don't go to other people or businesses if one of my checks didn't clear from them in a timely manner. Do you?

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

Technically, it is wrong because you have missed a payment. I do go to one of my business if my checks don't clear in a timely manner.   I annually have to pay my propane company a $39 rental fee for my propane tank.  Twice they've "lost" my check and I got a late payment charge. On $39- It's a minimal charge, but it's still a charge.   Once after I brought it to their attention they found the check the second time they did back down after a fight on the late charges. It's just a hassle.  I'm super careful with them now when I pay them and yes based on their history and them charging me late fees, I would contact them immediately if my check doesn't clear.

If you were renting an apartment in a high rise,  would you be taking a chance on late payment fees.  Businesses tend to see you as the problem not them.  Like I said upthread, I wouldn't be gambling with getting evicted.

 

Just now, INCOGNITO said:

So again, would it be reasonable to charge him, take the fee for stop payment, out of the rent, should we have to write another check due to his negligence?

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

Yes.  But it sounded to me like you were going to try not to pay him.  It sounded like you were saying It is his fault, so your off the hook for the payment.

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3 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

The benefit to do the small repairs ourselves is not having to deal with the IL's at all. Again, we do contact him for major repairs and stuff that we can't take with us when we move, ie water pump, hot water tank, things like that.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

What you described above is common with the exception of living in a complex/highrise or where theres a maintenance staff- Renters frequently will do what they can on their own, they dont want their rent to get raised, whatever their reasons may be to not involve the landlord-

What happened in your situation is nobodys "fault"- The statute of limitations for unpaid rent/collection varies by state- (4-6 years, give or take) Keep in mind, however, that you're aware of the fact that the check didnt get cashed and your reasons for not dealing with your landlord regarding the matter wouldnt hold up in court- 

 

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