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INCOGNITO

A small recap and question

131 posts in this topic

If he were giving you a gift wouldn't he tell you that?

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2 hours ago, homeygfunk said:

If he were giving you a gift wouldn't he tell you that?

No idea how a passive aggressive person gives gifts when he's being PA. We don't see it out of the realm of possibility knowing him as we do though. Maybe it's his PA olive branch...again, no idea. Which is why I brought it here. 

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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12 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Yes, I was simply asking if anyone thought it even a remote possibility since lots of posters complain about the IL's forcing themselves on others even when asked not to contact them at all. Giving gifts even when they were told to stop, that kind of stuff. That and/or to make up for the relationship as a whole but that doesn't make sense for the timing, eh. I know it bothers him, the relationship being the way it is. As I said in my OP, I am probably reading too much into it.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

You are reading too much into this. Have your DH contact him about the rent and be done with it. Simple solution.

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The OP already indicated how he/she chose to handle the matter of the rent / uncashed check- The rent for that month will remain unpaid -- until the father in-inlaw inquires about it, if he does- The father in-law has about 2 a year window to recover it, should he choose- (more than 1/4 of that time has already passed) Otherwise, after two years, what's done is done- 

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I would think you'd want to have real closure on this considering the volatile & sometimes hostile relationship you have with DH's FOO...

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3 hours ago, Komorebi said:

The OP already indicated how he/she chose to handle the matter of the rent / uncashed check- The rent for that month will remain unpaid -- until the father in-inlaw inquires about it, if he does- The father in-law has about 2 a year window to recover it, should he choose- (more than 1/4 of that time has already passed) Otherwise, after two years, what's done is done- 

This dishonest to me.

1 hour ago, Mame925 said:

I would think you'd want to have real closure on this considering the volatile & sometimes hostile relationship you have with DH's FOO...

I'm not so sure she wants closure.  She just wants to pin something on her FIL.  Whether it's good or bad, It sounds to me like the OP treats everyone the same when it comes to uncashed checks- ILs who she have a difficult relationship with, or ??? the Girl Scout who didn't cash her cookie check.  She sounds genuinely surprised that anyone would follow up on any uncashed check.    She must live life more dangerously and have a different standard of right and wrong than I.  There is no way I wouldn't follow up on my unpaid Discover bill.  I credit card everything and I wouldn't want a 15% interest rate.  But I'm not sure it's just consequences of my actions that I'd be concerned about.  I don't think I could sleep well.

Edited by skipped

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I'd cancel the cheque, and get a bank draft/money order/certified cheque and send it to your FIL. That way, it's out of your account, rent is current, and you don't have to wait around for him to cash another cheque.

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Just now, ImpishMom said:

I'd cancel the cheque, and get a bank draft/money order/certified cheque and send it to your FIL. That way, it's out of your account, rent is current, and you don't have to wait around for him to cash another cheque.

And send it signature required so he can't say he didn't get it.

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4 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

I'd cancel the cheque, and get a bank draft/money order/certified cheque and send it to your FIL. That way, it's out of your account, rent is current, and you don't have to wait around for him to cash another cheque.

It's (the money/the amount for the rent) already out of the OP's account and set aside in the event his/her father in-law addresses the matter-

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18 minutes ago, ImpishMom said:

I'd cancel the cheque, and get a bank draft/money order/certified cheque and send it to your FIL. That way, it's out of your account, rent is current, and you don't have to wait around for him to cash another cheque.

The OP wouldn't be able to keep the money if he/she did that-

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48 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

The OP wouldn't be able to keep the money if he/she did that-

It's not her money anyways, it's owed to rent.

Sorry, but two things I never, ever dared mess w/even at my most broke, single parent days: rent, and daycare. The idea of a month's rent not having been paid gives me the creepy crawlies.

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1 hour ago, Komorebi said:

The OP wouldn't be able to keep the money if he/she did that-

I liked this comment because I took this to mean, she wouldn't take your suggestion because then she'd have to actually PAY the rent.

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2 hours ago, ImpishMom said:

I'd cancel the cheque, and get a bank draft/money order/certified cheque and send it to your FIL. That way, it's out of your account, rent is current, and you don't have to wait around for him to cash another cheque.

Actually, this is what we've been talking about doing and switching over to for all future checks.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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2 hours ago, homeygfunk said:

And send it signature required so he can't say he didn't get it.

We would have to require a signature because if he lost it and the money was out of the account for the money order, we wouldn't have another amount to pay him again. It would be on him.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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And...NOOOOO, we are not hoping to keep the money, contrary to what some of you think. I know it's not our money. I already stated, we would take it out and not spend it and wait for FIL to come to us about it and give it to him when he does. Yes, we understand some of you think its up to us to approach him about it instead of waiting for him to come to us. He is pretty anal about getting his money, which is why we are very surprised he has not about this. Yes, we understand some of you think he forgot or lost it. I've explained that already and its highly unlikely for either. This is not like him at all and I brought this here because we know him very well and what I suggested is something he would do.

Again, now we are reconsidering doing a money order for this and all future payments and just sending it to him that way, yes, signature required. That will take more effort and money on our part, and more effort on his part as he will have to go to the PO to sign for it and pick it up.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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Bank checks and money orders come with proof of purchase / receipts -- but if either are left uncashed, there is no way to prove they were sent to or received by the recipient-

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They can be mailed return receipt requested...then you do have proof of payment even if the check isn't cashed.

I always send my tax return that way.  No late fees with a mistake on their part.  It was suggested to me by a post office worker.

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23 minutes ago, SueSTx said:

I always send my tax return that way. 

My tax guy files it all electronically...saves a lot of "what if" scenarios. 

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22 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

Yes, I was simply asking if anyone thought it even a remote possibility since lots of posters complain about the IL's forcing themselves on others even when asked not to contact them at all. Giving gifts even when they were told to stop, that kind of stuff. That and/or to make up for the relationship as a whole but that doesn't make sense for the timing, eh. I know it bothers him, the relationship being the way it is. As I said in my OP, I am probably reading too much into it.

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

No, this wouldn't be by first thought.  I wouldn't think it's a gift.  I would first off think he either hadn't received it in the first place or he's lost it.  Who knows, when you sent the check had you recently fixed things up around the house, to him it could be payment for something like that, which he should be paying for.  I'm usually wrong when I make assumptions so who knows unless you ask him, but I wouldn't think of gift unless he contacted you to say so.  I would assume something went wrong.

Another option would be to have the money directly debited from your account into his.  If you do online banking you can set up scheduled payments which are free of charge from your bank account to his, that way it just gets deposited directly into his account and there's a paper trail as it's recorded in your bank statements. If you don't do online banking I would assume you can set it up directly with the bank or even pay with BPAY.  It takes it out of your FIL hands in that the money is transferred electronically straight away and can be set up for whatever amount and time period you want, so you could pay him at the beginning or end of each month and be done with it, once it's set up it does it automatically every month until you either stop it, change it or the time period expires which is usually 2 years.  Obviously BPAY you would need to make that payment each month, but it may still be an easier option and FIL wouldn't have any control over it.

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2 hours ago, SueSTx said:

They can be mailed return receipt requested...then you do have proof of payment even if the check isn't cashed.

I always send my tax return that way.  No late fees with a mistake on their part.  It was suggested to me by a post office worker.

Sue, I think the receipt only proves delivery, not payment-

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5 hours ago, skipped said:

I liked this comment because I took this to mean, she wouldn't take your suggestion because then she'd have to actually PAY the rent.

If the OP invests in a bank check or a money order the money invested in either cannot be recovered in the event the father in-law were to decide not to cash it- The OP would have a receipt for the purchase of the money order or the bank check but not the payment of the rent if neither were cashed-

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21 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Sue, I think the receipt only proves delivery, not payment-

If you also request a signature then that is proof the other person received the payment.

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4 minutes ago, homeygfunk said:

If you also request a signature then that is proof the other person received the payment.

A signature provides proof that the recipient signed for and received a parcel / article of mail- It doesn't prove payment-

For example a USPS postal worker can electronically mark that a parcel / package was delivered via signature and / or tracking number-  It doesn't prove what the parcel contained-

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What's wrong with Layla's suggestion?  Direct payment, proof is in the checking account balances.  It's the only suggestion I saw that seems like less trouble than a simple  text saying; did you loose the check or what?

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7 hours ago, Komorebi said:
1 hour ago, Komorebi said:

A signature provides proof that the recipient signed for and received a parcel / article of mail- It doesn't prove payment-

For example a USPS postal worker can electronically mark that a parcel / package was delivered via signature and / or tracking number-  It doesn't prove what the parcel contained-

Bank checks and money orders come with proof of purchase / receipts -- but if either are left uncashed, there is no way to prove they were sent to or received by the recipient-

I get what you are saying, and I agree...proof of something being delivered but not what was delivered. What would you suggest then?

Anonymous poster hash: 0d7e3...b44

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