• Announcements

    • LaToyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LaToyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

S/O of "A small recap and question":The Jade - ing Issue

7 posts in this topic

Often posters here are advised not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) when dealing w/ a difficult relative/IL. Yet, in "A small recap and question" skipped said, " Refusing to explain makes a bad relationship worse."

Which is it people? Thoughts? Observations? Experiences?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"That doesn't work for us" requires no JADE...

Not cashing my check, so a business transaction, should require an explanation. The continual game playing is designed to at least keep the relationship active...which may be what Icog's FIL is after. However, it takes two to play the game. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have often wondered where that boundary lies...so thanks for asking RoseRed. When is it JADE and when is it a needed explanation? I do think sometimes an explanation is needed for the relationship, to avoid hurt feelings, etc. Not always but sometimes but then it could turn into JADE.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting.  I'm always a fan for providing an explanation...however in my case sometimes it backfires.  If i'm going to tell MIL something i know she won't like, i tend to do so via email and i tend to provide a lengthy explanation justifying my reasoning.  it actually seems to **** her off more when i do so...not sure why.  DH is a man of few words to begin with so he'll always say something like you could have just said what you needed to in 2 sentences.  he also feels providing a lengthy explanation demonstrates a lack of confidence in our / my choices.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 minutes ago, AndreaMSW said:

Interesting.  I'm always a fan for providing an explanation...however in my case sometimes it backfires.  If i'm going to tell MIL something i know she won't like, i tend to do so via email and i tend to provide a lengthy explanation justifying my reasoning.  it actually seems to **** her off more when i do so...not sure why.  DH is a man of few words to begin with so he'll always say something like you could have just said what you needed to in 2 sentences.  he also feels providing a lengthy explanation demonstrates a lack of confidence in our / my choices.  

Some times that just started to feel like excuses when you get too wordy

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
38 minutes ago, JustaGrandma said:

Some times that just started to feel like excuses when you get too wordy

true - i never looked at it quite like that before

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I generally don't mind explaining myself to most people. However, some difficult people take an explanation as an opening to badger you to death to change your mind. I think most people know who those kind of people are in their lives. 

I generally filter what I say depending on who I am talking to. My mom was anxious, I was very careful not to make "I'm worried..." statements to her because she generally worried about everyone all the time and I knew it would make it worse for her. I have an overbearing coworker, and I have to be very selective about what I say in front of her, or it gives her the illusion that she has a say or control over something that is none of her business. 

So I think not JADEing is one of those things that you know who you can explain yourself to and others that it just opens a massive can of worms. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now