• Announcements

    • LaToyaADMIN

      What to do if you get a "Wrong Password" message   01/21/16

      You must reset your password (even if you know it's the right one) before you can sign into the community. Thanks to the upgrade, there's an issue with passwords and signing in. The good news is that you can click here: http://community.grandparents.com/index.php?/lostpassword/ to change your password (it'll let you reuse your old one). If you can't reach the email address connected to your account then please contact the admin at latoya@grandparents.com and I'll help you sort it out. 
    • LaToyaADMIN

      Anonymous posting is back   01/21/16

      We've removed the extra step that required you to go to the full-page editor to access the anonymous post option. Now, you can reply to a post and toggle the button to post anonymous (see photo below).    Read more on anonymous posting here:    In short, the mods can see who posts as anonymous, we moderate anonymous posts the same as revealed posts, you can reply anonymously to your own topic, you may report anonymous posts.
RoseRed135

'You'll never see your grandchildren again!" - Are those words spoken too easily?

43 posts in this topic

16 minutes ago, skipped said:

Don't know.

But an "I changed my mind cupcakes don't work for me" seems like a more mature more understandable "adult" solution IMO.

Did she actually throw an ugly name calling, threatening, hissy like Rose talked about? Or is she just a spoiled brat who pouts and sulks for a few days? For me there is a huge difference between having a hissy and saying ugly stuff -- and being a brat who pouts and sulks?

I don't think being a brat is good (we're working on it), but it's a far cry (for me) from name-calling and idle threats. Maybe I should reconsider.  :) 

ETA: I do think it's ridiculous to have a fit over cupcakes, but I know some weddings cause stress. Mom flipped at my eldest sister's wedding, we all wanted to send her away to a home. Got a bit better for #2, was fine by mine #5 -- for some women weddings are tough. 

Edited by JanelleK

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Janelle,

I don't thing that many  DILs on this site  would appreciate a MIL who is a spoiled brat who pouts and sulks for a few days.   I've heard it.  Why should a "adult" DIL be excused.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, skipped said:

Janelle,

I don't thing that many  DILs on this site  would appreciate a MIL who is a spoiled brat who pouts and sulks for a few days.   I've heard it.  Why should a "adult" DIL be excused.

I'm not excusing my pouter-sulker. She never says anything ugly or makes threats, name-calls. She's a brat, she needs to stop pouty-sulky.

What I was objecting to, (Rose described) is name calling, idle threats, mean girl behavior. I see a difference - you don't. Our opinions differ.

ETA: BTW, they're both DILs. My brat is a DIL and your DIL - I didn't make it about MILs.

As Sue points out, some of us have bratty DDs who are bratty DILs that pout and sulk, they have to come from somewhere.

Edited by JanelleK

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My brat is an adult daughter...and a DIL.  She hides it from outsiders.  She has meltdowns and she is getting closer to 40 everyday.  

She is also a wonderful employee, a great volunteer and a good mother.  She just knows that those that love her will let her pop off her release valve before saying "That's enough, get it under control."  Which is followed by, "Have you thought about?"

She works best with a schedule and if that is thrown off, so is she.  In the real world, that happens a lot.  She isn't 12 anymore, sending her to her room doesn't work.

ETA:  With all these meltdown DILs we hear about, they have to be someone else's daughter.  I can't be the only mother with one.

Edited by SueSTx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, skipped said:

Janelle,

I don't thing that many  DILs on this site  would appreciate a MIL who is a spoiled brat who pouts and sulks for a few days.   I've heard it.  Why should a "adult" DIL be excused.

Because in this neck of the woods .. mother in-laws are deemed massacrees and daughter in-laws cake walks .. :) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Komorebi said:

Because in this neck of the woods .. mother in-laws are deemed massacrees and daughter in-laws cake walks .. :) 

I take it this is a sarcastic comment?

Anyhow, in my view, some people sulk - MILs, DILs, whoever. As long as they're not causing drama/havoc, the way they would if they had an actual tantrum, it's not that big a deal though, no doubt, unpleasant. But I agree w/ skipped that a more mature response would have been for DIL to simply let her know she had changed her mind.

There's one other possibility, of course. It's possible that DIL asked DS to let skipped know she changed her mind and he didn't want to. That may be what led to DIL acting negative for days on end - and DS' finally telling skipped the cupcakes were out. But that's just speculation, so neither here nor there.

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, SueSTx said:

My brat is an adult daughter...and a DIL.  She hides it from outsiders.  She has meltdowns and she is getting closer to 40 everyday.  

She is also a wonderful employee, a great volunteer and a good mother.  She just knows that those that love her will let her pop off her release valve before saying "That's enough, get it under control."  Which is followed by, "Have you thought about?"

She works best with a schedule and if that is thrown off, so is she.  In the real world, that happens a lot.  She isn't 12 anymore, sending her to her room doesn't work.

ETA:  With all these meltdown DILs we hear about, they have to be someone else's daughter.  I can't be the only mother with one.

Regarding your ETA.  You've brought up this point numerous times.  But I don't see what it has to do with what I am saying.   Yes, most people are both DILs and daughters and MILs.  But when they do the exact same behaviors, people judge them here on their roles.   DIL A does X and it's good.  MIL A (same exact person) does X (same exact behavior) and it's bad.

And I disagree.  I personally would like it better if a person blows up and gets over it quickly than draws out the nastiness (this isn't just sulky this is downright meanness) and there is no telling her that's enough get it under control and having it actually happen.   You haven't seen them.

I wouldn't call my DILs behavior a melt down.  My son used the word meltdown. Since everyone is speculating so much about this, let me speculate and ask a question.  So my question is this Janelle- if DIL did have meltdown- something like Rose described-  yell and swear and whatever over cupcakes, would that be OK?  Or would that just be chalked up to wedding jitters?

ETA- My DIL has a lot of good points too Sue, just like your daughter.  That makes it easier, but not easy,.  You are also her mother, you can manage her.  I am a MIL- I don't have the history and bond a mother has.  I had to get use to this behavior, accept it for who she is, and no I can't manage her.    Personally, I think it is manipulative.

Edited by skipped

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

I take it this is a sarcastic comment?

Anyhow, in my view, some people sulk - MILs, DILs, whoever. As long as they're not causing drama/havoc, the way they would if they had an actual tantrum, it's not that big a deal though, no doubt, unpleasant. But I agree w/ skipped that a more mature response would have been for DIL to simply let her know she had changed her mind.

There's one other possibility, of course. It's possible that DIL asked DS to let skipped know she changed her mind and he didn't want to. That may be what led to DIL acting negative for days on end - and DS' finally telling skipped the cupcakes were out. But that's just speculation, so neither here nor there.

How would you categorize it, Rose? Sulking or drama/havoc? :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
40 minutes ago, skipped said:

Yes, most people are both DILs and daughters and MILs.  But when they do the exact same behaviors, people judge them here on their roles.   DIL A does X and it's good.  MIL A (same exact person) does X (same exact behavior) and it's bad.

Hmmm... I'm a little confused here... We have some members that are both MILs & DILs, including DILs who became MILs during their membership here. But I don't recall any member whoever described doing the same behavior as both a DIL and a MIL and getting a different reaction to each. Have I forgotten something?

 

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Hmmm... I'm a little confused here... We have some members that are both MILs & DILs, including DILs who became MILs during their membership here. But I don't recall any member whoever described doing the same behavior as both a DIL and a MIL and getting a different reaction to each. Have I forgotten something?

No doubt, the advice to/about MILs is sometimes different than that to/about DILs. But I think that's b/c the stakes are different. MIL often has to worry that if she doesn't find a way to accept/get along w/ DIL, she could end up distanced from DS and the GC (if any). OTOH, DIL often is concerned about MIL (not you, skipped) trying to weigh in on couple decisions, etc.

OK gottcha, it isn't exact.  DIL is yelling and screaming over cupcakes.  MIL is yelling and screaming over getting cut off. 

Maybe there just seem to be more excuses for DILs- "wedding jitters" .  The fact that MIL is threatening to not see her GC ever again gets no sympathy

Edited by skipped

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, skipped said:

OK gottcha, it isn't exact.  DIL is yelling and screaming over cupcakes.  MIL is yelling and screaming over getting cut off. 

Maybe there just seem to be more excuses for DILs- "wedding jitters" .  The fact that MIL is threatening to not see her GC ever again gets no sympathy

I hear you. But some of us were sympathetic. In fact, I can definitely see why such a threat would cause a MIL to overreact (and I say "overreact" b/c it seemed like it could be an idle threat). Not a "mature" response either, but adults don't always behave in a mature way, as far as I've seen (most of us do most of the time, I hope.)

But this turn of the conversation has prompted me to open another thread (this time in MILA):

 

 

 

Edited by RoseRed135

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, skipped said:

I wouldn't call my DILs behavior a melt down.  My son used the word meltdown. Since everyone is speculating so much about this, let me speculate and ask a question.  So my question is this Janelle- if DIL did have meltdown- something like Rose described-  yell and swear and whatever over cupcakes, would that be OK?  Or would that just be chalked up to wedding jitters?

Skipped, what Rose described (MIL name calling, idle threats, telling off her DIL) IS unacceptable no matter who acts that way. 

 

That ^ isn't what you originally wrote (you said "not a shrieking screaming throwing things like melt down, its a drawn out days worth of nastiness, mean comments, nasty looks, sulky type behavior. It takes her a long time to get over it and it's not nice to be around").

 

There is no comparison between those 2 distinctly different behaviors. Mom did the pouty-sulky thing with weddings, lasted a year with #1 (my brother was a horrid toddler at the time, likely didn't help). My own pouty-sulky daughter, like Mom, is well loved - lovely in public, with outsiders, she is just a brat with family. I suppose because her Dad coddles her and she's very high strung with 3 kiddies 2 and under. 

 

I have NO idea what you're after. Mom was perfectly ladylike, gracious and kind to outsiders, as is YDD - they act ridiculous with family because we all put up with it. Yes, I have heard my mom say swear words once or twice, YDD often - I've said swear words in private as well. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My DD said a few yrs back after my DIL got up on her high horse and cut everyone off,  "Id NEVER let my spouse do that to me or my family."

NEVER SAY NEVER!!

My SIL-Step Dad to my GDD had double standards for the my kids your kid and when she was a typical teenager he threw her out. Out late,talking back, sneaking out not bad stuff by any means . 

They my DD and SIL tried to put her in Foster Care and the State asked every family member to take her, so we did. Well they had a fit and stopped  talking to us the NEVER comment. SIL will not us see GCH and my DD goers along w/it. 

Long story short his parents have money they help pay for any and all financial problems and big ones. We have come to think she took the money and threw my GDD out for that. Other wise I do not know who my DD is anymore, but a EVIL WITCH. 

All I keep praying for is Karma, there has to be some kind of punishment for these parents who just throw their children out on the street. 

So 4 of 6 GCH I do not see. I just have gotten maybe over it, use to it, I don't know what. My SIL said the family is broken and can never be the same. 

I refuse to sit and dwell and cry I have 2 GCH who are dear to me and treat me w/respect. They visit me and come on Holidays, maybe that is how I handle. Maybe it's because I had a daughter killed and my love and attention  goes to her, She did not Choose NOT to see me. I think of her all day everyday. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, godsgifts said:

My DD said a few yrs back after my DIL got up on her high horse and cut everyone off,  "Id NEVER let my spouse do that to me or my family."

NEVER SAY NEVER!!

My SIL-Step Dad to my GDD had double standards for the my kids your kid and when she was a typical teenager he threw her out. Out late,talking back, sneaking out not bad stuff by any means . 

They my DD and SIL tried to put her in Foster Care and the State asked every family member to take her, so we did. Well they had a fit and stopped  talking to us the NEVER comment. SIL will not us see GCH and my DD goers along w/it. 

Long story short his parents have money they help pay for any and all financial problems and big ones. We have come to think she took the money and threw my GDD out for that. Other wise I do not know who my DD is anymore, but a EVIL WITCH. 

All I keep praying for is Karma, there has to be some kind of punishment for these parents who just throw their children out on the street. 

So 4 of 6 GCH I do not see. I just have gotten maybe over it, use to it, I don't know what. My SIL said the family is broken and can never be the same. 

I refuse to sit and dwell and cry I have 2 GCH who are dear to me and treat me w/respect. They visit me and come on Holidays, maybe that is how I handle. Maybe it's because I had a daughter killed and my love and attention  goes to her, She did not Choose NOT to see me. I think of her all day everyday. 

That's incredibly heartbreaking to read but like yourself find comfort in the fact that you do see 2 of your grandchildren and I assume their parent/s too-

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Komorebi said:

That's incredibly heartbreaking to read but like yourself find comfort in the fact that you do see 2 of your grandchildren and I assume their parent/s too-

Um, no. If I recall correctly, the GD that Gifts sees is the child/stepchild of the DD & SIL who have cut themselves and their other kids (2 of the GC) off from Gifts & her DH. This GD sees them on her own b/c she's older (an adult now, I think) and the one that lived w/ Gifts & DH for a while. The GS who visits is the child of Gifts' & DH's deceased DD, and their relationship w/ his dad is very strained. Regardless, I'm glad they have a relationship w/ these 2 GC.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, RoseRed135 said:

Um, no. If I recall correctly, the GD that Gifts sees is the child/stepchild of the DD & SIL who have cut themselves and their other kids (2 of the GC) off from Gifts & her DH. This GD sees them on her own b/c she's older (an adult now, I think) and the one that lived w/ Gifts & DH for a while. The GS who visits is the child of Gifts' & DH's deceased DD, and their relationship w/ his dad is very strained. Regardless, I'm glad they have a relationship w/ these 2 GC.

Um, ok- I indicated I assumed she did and now assume she doesn't- But also am comforted to read she sees 2 of her grandchildren-

'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Komorebi said:

That's incredibly heartbreaking to read but like yourself find comfort in the fact that you do see 2 of your grandchildren and I assume their parent/s too-

Komorebi  Sadly I DO NOT see the parents of these GCH 1 hates us, 1 is deceased as RoseRed135  said.   How do you hate your parents  because they kept your child out of Foster Care. OK You don't want her fine, but  we were not letting her be put in a Foster Home for being a typical teenager and a Step Dad that just couldn't be bothered after he had his own.  

As for my deceased DD she had a F get her drunk and pregnant the weekend her Dad had open heart surgery. He took her away to help/calm  her because she was so upset.   He is a dirtball my DD had no relationship with him, and we likewise do not either. The less I see of him the better. 

But my 2 GCH  a girl and a boy are my life along w/.my husband, I refuse to let the others tear me down any more than the death of my DD has. 

Edited by godsgifts
Sorry posted twice

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

RoseRed135  You got it right how well you remembered. 

I haven't been on much lately I have been sick with COPD and  I get a monthly transfusion for a low immune system. Also had pneumonia, pleurisy and MRSA last summer and it knocked the wind right out of me.  In Sept I broke my wrist, then had a plate and screws put in. It's coming a long, my fingers are not doing as good. 

BUT, my GDD after all this crap you have heard went to school for EKG Tech, and is now a 19 yr  old EKT Teck at a very Big Hosp. in our area. She wants to be a nurse, so they said they would help w/schooling and she's working on a grant or something else to help. My DD told us what bad parents we were, but it was us who got her emotionally ready for her career, she gets credit for nothing. Then my GDD did the rest on her own, she can always throw that in his their faces.  Thrown out at 14 and now in a Big Hosp.  

So far my GS is doing  good, the bad hasn't rubbed off much and I think it helps he has latched onto really nice kids at school, but he has a ways to go. Druggy that his Dad is, he wants to get into Law Enforcement, but that could chg also.   So for now my life is a lot calmer, as long as I keep my DIL and my SIL out of my life. When my DD texts me she usually is becaue her ck bounced on a loan we gave her and I notify her. Believe it or not, she gets mad at me, as if I bounced the check.  LOL  I usually spar with her until she makes me so mad I say something hurtful and she gives up. I know I shouldn't but it actually ends up making me laugh because it's all over her ck bouncing.  I'm not very nice when shoved in a corner.  GO ask the rich In-Laws for the money. It's her in jail, out of jail BF who started all this mess in our family blame him, I blame her for bringing him into our family.

Well what a rant that was, or a catch up. Maybe I'll try and get on more often, but have to get these fingers working better. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now