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AndreaMSW

What would you do?

63 posts in this topic

23 minutes ago, skipped said:

"It will hurt her feelings"  makes perfect sense to me.  It will/ might hurt her feelings.  He's just hoping she won't find out.

yes he's just hoping she won't find out...if she does find out (that is if we don't tell her and she finds out some other way or whatever) i wonder what he'll say then.  sometimes he lives in his own little bubble sometimes.  

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Or to be clear, he hopes she doesn't find out until...then he won't be around to have to deal with it. The entire family can deal with the fallout later instead of him taking precautions, taking a stand now. That is the sissy way out so he's ok with the drama, hurt, pain, etc. it's going to possibly cause by not dealing with it and letting your sis and SIL deal with it when/if the time comes.

Did MIL push her way in on all your pregnancies? That is totally not acceptable and his failure to follow your wishes during your labor, well, says a lot about him and where you stand in his life and in regards to where his mommy stands in his life. Hope he made some changes for you and stands up for you when it really matters since then.

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12 minutes ago, Cupcake55 said:

Or to be clear, he hopes she doesn't find out until...then he won't be around to have to deal with it. The entire family can deal with the fallout later instead of him taking precautions, taking a stand now. That is the sissy way out so he's ok with the drama, hurt, pain, etc. it's going to possibly cause by not dealing with it and letting your sis and SIL deal with it when/if the time comes.

Did MIL push her way in on all your pregnancies? That is totally not acceptable and his failure to follow your wishes during your labor, well, says a lot about him and where you stand in his life and in regards to where his mommy stands in his life. Hope he made some changes for you and stands up for you when it really matters since then.

 I agree except for the part about him being a sissy- He's aware of what he's doing- He's not aware of the impact-

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4 hours ago, Komorebi said:

 I agree except for the part about him being a sissy- He's aware of what he's doing- He's not aware of the impact-

I am not calling him a sissy. I said he was taking the sissy way out....

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9 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

Did MIL push her way in on all your pregnancies? That is totally not acceptable and his failure to follow your wishes during your labor, well, says a lot about him and where you stand in his life and in regards to where his mommy stands in his life. Hope he made some changes for you and stands up for you when it really matters since then.

She did in a sense.  My DS only arrived 11 months behind DD...I found out i was pregnant with DS when DD was like 3 months old.  I was still reeling from how awful she behaved with DD, so i was really quick to set boundaries from the beginning of the pregnancy.  It ruffled feathers for sure.  She didn't like the boundaries - DH would not be the one to address these issues with her, but when she complained about how i was being mean to her about this and would complain to him, he supported my decisions.  She was just really passive aggressive about it - when she was invited to meet DS, she wouldn't look at me and pretended i wasn't in the room :)  and she asked questions about DS of course but didn't ask me any questions about how i was feelings, how the labor went, etc.  And with DS #2 who arrived almost 6 months ago, she was better than i thought she would be.  She wanted to come to hospital to see DS but when i said i wasn't quite ready for visitors at that time but would be in a  few hours and she could come then, she listened...again she wasn't happy with me but she listened 

And i should add that because i took the lead in setting these boundaries, it didn't really change MIL's mindset - she simply saw me as the bad guy and poor DH was just doing what his bossy wife ordered.  So yes as a couple we have a lot to work through.  DH will say that i come before his mother but his actions show differently.

Edited by AndreaMSW
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It's good, IMO, that MIL is accepting your boundaries, even if she doesn't like or agree w/ them. IDK if it would have "change(d) MIL's mindset" if DH had taken a more active role in setting these limits though she might have accepted them sooner and more easily. And hey, she might have still  told herself that you were "the bad guy" behind it all.

But yes, I think DH does need to learn to put your marriage before his relationship w/ his mother. That's harder for some people than others, no doubt, and can take time.

ETA: And congratulations on the new baby! :give_rose::give_rose::give_rose:

Edited by RoseRed135

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5 hours ago, AndreaMSW said:

And i should add that because i took the lead in setting these boundaries, it didn't really change MIL's mindset - she simply saw me as the bad guy and poor DH was just doing what his bossy wife ordered.  So yes as a couple we have a lot to work through.  DH will say that i come before his mother but his actions show differently.

I hear this...when DH & I told his mom we'd decided to marry (I was 30, DH 33, 2nd marriages for both) she very snippily said to me "well I suppose you'll be having the wedding with your people"...seriously? Turned out we had a very small wedding at the church around the corner from our home...MIL was "best man"....

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12 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

I hear this...when DH & I told his mom we'd decided to marry (I was 30, DH 33, 2nd marriages for both) she very snippily said to me "well I suppose you'll be having the wedding with your people"...seriously? Turned out we had a very small wedding at the church around the corner from our home...MIL was "best man"....

intersting....did your relationship improve with your MIL after that or get worse?

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I kept it pretty neutral...she was a combination of low self confidence & hair trigger temper...I don't think she particularly liked me, but only because I existed, nothing personal. She did acknowledge that DH was very happy with me, so there was some respect. There were areas I did manage for her (sometimes without her knowing) that I know she appreciated because it made her life easier. I just tried to 'stay in my lane' with her...which generally made my life easier. 

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18 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

I kept it pretty neutral...she was a combination of low self confidence & hair trigger temper...I don't think she particularly liked me, but only because I existed, nothing personal. 

I try to stay neutral when i can as well.  My MIL seemed to like me up until we got married...that's only with hindsight though..which is 20/20.  There were a lot of things that happened then that i just didn't see as much of a problem with...but in hindsight there were lots of red flags.  She told me right after we got married 'remember he's my son and i love him more."  Which at the time i thought was an odd thing to say but honestly i didn't read too much into it.  my one regret is that i didn't establish boundaries from the very beginning or talk to DH about boundaries with our respective families...just as a general discussion that we should have had before we got married.  It's very difficult to try and establish boundaries now when we've been married for almost 13 years.

Edited by AndreaMSW

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On 1/7/2018 at 10:53 AM, AndreaMSW said:

DH and I have 3 children (our youngest is 5 months old).  When we first had children, we appointed DH's sister and her then husband to be the legal guardians of our children should something happen to us.  I quite like SIL and we get along great.  About 5 years ago, SIL and her husband separated and she has been with her current partner for about 3 years and they live together.  DH and I do not like SIL's current partner.  We can tolerate him for short periods of time, like a family dinner or something, but generally speaking, he's rude, obnoxious, and quite frankly i think he's a high functioning alcoholic.  Our son is 6 and has high functioning autism and ADHD so he's a handful at times.  During one gathering, SIL's partner said he would smack our DS and doesn't understand why we don't.  So needless to say, if something happened to us, we would not want him raising our children.   So DH and I changed our will to appoint my older sister and her husband legal guardians.  our lawyer asked us if anyone would contest this aspect of our will if something happened to us and we both said yes, MIL probably would.  So it was suggested that we give her the heads up.

So my options are to try and get DH to talk to me about it again or i should i try to talk to MIL directly?  I'm more upset that DH has allowed my MIL to make this decision for us.  sorry so long and thanks if you made it this far.

I'm odd-out, my usual place to be  ;) 

 

Your husband did great after the first botched delivery - backing boundaries. Your mil can rationalize as she wishes, but he backed you. My husband is a mama's boy, loved that woman to pieces, but he backed our decisions about my 5 pregnancies/deliveries and would have boxed her up and sent her to Italy if she hadn't come round from total craziness. IF she complained to him I never heard about it after he got her settled (she likely did). I was sweet, kind, never said much about PILs crazy (way over the top protective of our kids).

 

In turn my husband backed/backs me dealing with my family. My husband drew the short straw there, my family (to include my wild brother, a category unto himself) is a chaotic circus and we see them way too often for an introverts nature. 

 

Our wills/guardianship plans/trusts are private transactions between us and our attorney. The kids guardians were never discussed with anyone except the person asked to be guardian. Our parents were only aware if my siblings/the guardians chose to talk. We have NO idea about the guardian provisions for most of our grands. We do know about guardian plan for our ODD's kids, she and her 3 kids live with us. My brother is 10 years younger than us and he's a part of ODD's plan provisions. We, one son, my brother have a very convoluted guardian plan for that sons kids, nobody else needs to know or have an opinion. Outsiders? Nope.

 

That ^ as background. Sure, your husband should tell his sister. It's not a big hurtful deal though, I don't know anyone who actually wants to be a guardian (in my circles). I'd advise keeping mil out of the loop and allowing DH to do his own cleanup on his own timetable. This whole thing is misplaced worry, imo. 

 

My only-child husband took care his own crazy parents. I took care of my nutty parents and my 5 siblings and siblingsIL. That works best for us. We still follow that model almost 50 years later. Generally my husband deals with our sons and I deal with our daughters (not our ACIL) on everything from invites, parents rules, outings, gifts, to any unhappieness(es). 

 

ETA: Takes both of us to deal with my beloved brother/my husband's BFF, but that's different  ;) 

 

 

Edited by JanelleK
word, spelling, clarity

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14 hours ago, Cupcake55 said:

I am not calling him a sissy. I said he was taking the sissy way out....

I do apologize, no, you didn't say that .. and I didn't mean to imply it -- it just came out that way because of the way in which I read your post- No harm intended-

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This isn't any of MIL's business, if I were you I'd never bring this up to MIL, she has TMI as it is...however, this is a DuH problem (snarky for clueless DH, sorry). not an MIL problem. Your SIL probably already knows, as your MIL considers herself central to everyone and everything...

Sit DH down, make it clear that his mother has no 'dog in this fight', so her opinion is not a deciding factor. This is between you, DH & SIL...the hard part is telling her you don't trust her partner with your children. SIL will more likely be upset by not being told before everyone else on the planet than she will over the change of guardianship. Let her know she'd always be a part of your kids' lives yet this option takes the pressure off of her partner to navigate the very challenging task of childrearing.

Tried to quote this it didn't work. 

Anyway I agree I'm not sure the MIL had to be told anything, it's YOUR will, to do what with and who with. I would never in a million yrs have told my MIL anything about my will. She didn't tell us!!   

You and hubby need to sit down and have a serious now as parents who is in charge talk??  I did not tell my MIL ANYTHING  personal, I know it bothered her but it was not her business. I haven't told anyone what is in my will or who.          

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