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INCOGNITO

Long distance visiting - told to stay in a hotel?

16 posts in this topic

I’m planning on Visiting my long distance grandkids later in the year. (It’s around 10h by airplane) 

My daughter has been non commital for months and then last night finally agrees for us to come after months of trying to get her to commit, but drops a bombshell -   she says we can’t stay at her house and should stay at a hotel. (!!!) I’m absolutely aghast at the suggestion. I’ve never stayed at a hotel visiting any family member. 

 

 

The last time I visited we had a few minor tiffs which she hasn’t really gotten over.  Things are very strained between me and her partner, and as a result I’ve only talked to my dd a couple of times in the last year. She ignores my phone calls and FaceTime calls or messages on whattsapp. I reach out at least once a weeek to her.

I  suspect she’s being abused, and last time I visited I very gently told her so, and this suggestion was one of the reasons for the upset last time. She completely overreacted and tried to blame it on me. But I know Her DP controls her thinking and this is why she’s refusing us to stay - she strenuously denies this. I’ve offered that she and the kids should return here, but they never have. I would welcome Then with open arms.

Since they married 10 years ago she’s changed and pulled further and further away from her family and become very cold and cruel.

She seems to not care about anyone anymore, and Doesn’t attend family weddings, funerals or reunions.  

i am very upset about this and need ideas to help me change her mind. It’s not just the expense (which is huge) but also the fact that I want to be around the grandkids as much as possible. I need to see my grand babies. I also want to become closer to my daughter. She has a nasty habit of just cutting people out of her life and I’m concerned I’ll be next.

Does anyone have any suggestions? 

Anonymous poster hash: 5b6cd...0a6

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Hmmm...well because you are not close at the moment, from what sounds like a number of different issues...at this point, there probably isn't much you can say to change her mind.  Before you can change her mind about anything, you will have to re-establish that bond.  So for the time being, though i know staying in a hotel is expensive, my advice would be to honor her wishes and stay in a hotel.  If you want to see your grandkids, then for now you'll have to play by her rules.  Just my opinion.  and admittedly and obviously i don't know much about the situation.

Alternatively, is there anyway she would come visit you?  If you don't mind me asking, what makes you think she's being abused?  All you can really do is continue to be there for her.  Continue to try and call or FaceTime weekly...even if she doesn't answer.  Hopefully she will come around.

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39 minutes ago, INCOGNITO said:

I’m planning on Visiting my long distance grandkids later in the year. (It’s around 10h by airplane) 

My daughter has been non commital for months and then last night finally agrees for us to come after months of trying to get her to commit, but drops a bombshell -   she says we can’t stay at her house and should stay at a hotel. (!!!) I’m absolutely aghast at the suggestion. I’ve never stayed at a hotel visiting any family member. I am a miserable house guest...but at least I know it. I rarely inflict myself on others. Stay in the hotel...if your GK are old enough (this isn't your decision) maybe ask to have them come to stay at the hotel with you one at a time. 

The last time I visited we had a few minor tiffs which she hasn’t really gotten over.  Things are very strained between me and her partner, and as a result I’ve only talked to my dd a couple of times in the last year. She ignores my phone calls and FaceTime calls or messages on whattsapp. I reach out at least once a weeek to her. Are you appropriately respectful & accepting of her partner? If she feels you are mistreating their relationship I could see there being strain.

I  suspect she’s being abused, and last time I visited I very gently told her so, and this suggestion was one of the reasons for the upset last time. She completely overreacted and tried to blame it on me. But I know Her DP controls her thinking and this is why she’s refusing us to stay - she strenuously denies this. I’ve offered that she and the kids should return here, but they never have. I would welcome Then with open arms. What makes you think this? Why do you think DP is so controlling? Or, are DP's idea's just different from yours?

Since they married 10 years ago she’s changed and pulled further and further away from her family and become very cold and cruel. Look at the bigger picture...she's a married woman with a family now.

She seems to not care about anyone anymore, and Doesn’t attend family weddings, funerals or reunions.  Does she feel pressured to do more than she's able? There are demands from every angle. Maybe her priorities are simply different from yours.

i am very upset about this and need ideas to help me change her mind. It’s not just the expense (which is huge) but also the fact that I want to be around the grandkids as much as possible. I need to see my grand babies. I also want to become closer to my daughter. She has a nasty habit of just cutting people out of her life and I’m concerned I’ll be next. 

Does anyone have any suggestions? Her first consideration has to be for her immediate family. If DP isn't comfortable with house guests then no house guests...it's not necessarily aimed at excluding you. 

Anonymous poster hash: 5b6cd...0a6

 

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I would work on the strained relationship with my daughter and nothing more- If in your position, that would be my priority- I of course wouldn't force her, she would need to be willing- And I wouldn't travel half way around the world prior to establishing that she and I found common ground and the confidence that what's been established will grow-

Meantime your daughter is building on the life she has chosen to live- She might have lost who she was in the process to some degree, she might sound more and more like her partner and less like she used to be and maybe the last thing she may feel she doesn't need is to be reminded of these things- Her distancing herself from her family might be the way she copes with the life she has chosen-

Should you finally get to the point of planning a visit you might feel uncomfortable witnessing her struggles but it's better than not seeing her at all- Try to see the redeeming qualities that her partner possesses and focus on those instead of the aspects of her partners personality that may be causing her great pain and struggles to navigate- If she can do that, you can too- Be encouraging, insert gratitude in small doses into your conversations with her, let her know she's loved -- not that she messed up- We all mess up-

 

Edited by Komorebi
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Welcome, New Member! I'm so sorry that you're going through a difficult time w/ DD! But I'm glad you decided to reach out to us!

I know you're frustrated that it took DD so long to commit to a visit. And that now she has told you and DH that you'll have to stay in a hotel. Please reread some of your own words, and I think you'll find the answer as to why:
 

The last time I visited we had a few minor tiffs which she hasn’t really gotten over.  Things are very strained between me and her partner, and as a result I’ve only talked to my dd a couple of times in the last year.

Hmmm... It sounds as if "things are very strained between" you and DD, as well, I'm sorry to say, as PPs (previous posters) have picked up on. This may be due in part to those "tiffs" you had the last time you visited. If she "hasn't really gotten over" them, they aren't "minor" to her, no matter how minor they seem to you. If you (general) have strained relations w/ either partner, you're not likely to be welcome to visit, let alone stay at their home. If you have difficult relations w/ both it's even less likely. Right now, it seems as if you (personal) have poor relations w/ both. I know it's easier said than done, but if you can stand back a little and look at this objectively, I think you'll see that, unfortunately, it's not so surprising that DD has been hesitating to have you come and visit again, and that she'll only agree to it if you stay in a hotel/don't stay in her house.

She ignores my phone calls and FaceTime calls or messages on whattsap

This^^^^ confuses me a little b/c, obviously, you've been communicating somehow. Perhaps she simply prefers communicating by text or email (some people do)? But if she's ignoring most of your messages,regardless of the medium, IMO (in my opinion) that's a (loud and clear) message in itself. It says to me she wants some space from her relationship w/ you, as hurtful as that may be.

You haven't given her that, apparently, at least not to her satisfaction. Now she's trying to ensure some space during your visit and you're looking for ways to change her mind about that. I'm so very sorry, but, like PPs, I don't think you can. As a mom/GM, myself, I understand that you miss DD despite everything and you miss the GC, terribly, as well. But I would rethink this visit for now and work on rebuilding my relationship w/ DD before going there again.

Edited by RoseRed135
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I  suspect she’s being abused, and last time I visited I very gently told her so, and this suggestion was one of the reasons for the upset last time.

I totally understand your being concerned if you suspect abuse of any kind, physical or emotional. And I don't blame you for speaking up about it. But that's a huge accusation - not "minor" - no matter how "very gently" you spoke to her. If it's true, you hit a major nerve, but, at least she knows she can always reach out to you if she feels the need. If it's not true, I hate to say it, but it may take way longer than this for her to get over it.

Since they married 10 years ago she’s changed and pulled further and further away from her family and become very cold and cruel.

She seems to not care about anyone anymore, and Doesn’t attend family weddings, funerals or reunions.  

Ok, I get that you've seen a lot of what appear to be "red flags" (warning signs) to you. But DD's failure to attend weddings, etc. could be due to distance, the expense of travel, and her new priorities regarding her children, etc. Also, if other family members don't like/don't get along w/ her DP (you didn't say), that could also be keeping her away. I trust you realize that she and DP are a package deal - if family members' relations w/ him are strained, they're bound to have less of a relationship w/ her.

If it's any kind of reassurance, it's a good sign, IMO, that she has access to FaceTime, whattsapp, etc.. And that, even though she often ignores your messages there, she, apparently, hasn't totally blocked you. (I can't say for sure, of course, that this means she's not being controlled in any way.)

I also want to become closer to my daughter. She has a nasty habit of just cutting people out of her life and I’m concerned I’ll be next

Then respect her wishes. You won't get "closer" by pressuring her to do things she doesn't want to do (like let you & DH stay in her house). If you go through w/ this visit, then accept the hotel idea, as expensive as if may be. Insisting on staying in her house, might "cost" you and DH something worth way more than money - your relationship w/ your DD and GC.

 

Edited by RoseRed135

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I’m planning on Visiting my long distance grandkids later in the year. (It’s around 10h by airplane) 
 
My daughter has been non commital for months and then last night finally agrees for us to come after months of trying to get her to commit, Were you invited? Hopefully you did not invite yourself? but drops a bombshell -   she says we can’t stay at her house and should stay at a hotel. (!!!) I’m absolutely aghast at the suggestion. 
 
I’ve never stayed at a hotel visiting any family member. The privacy of a hotel is wonderful. Get up, exercise, bathe, eat breakfast, go see the kids/grands, come back to hotel, snack/lunch and read or shop, go see the kids/grands, back to hotel, have dinner and watch TV/read, go to sleep. Rinse-repeat. Fabulous.
 
 The last time I visited we had a few minor tiffs which she hasn’t really gotten over.  What was the catalyst of "the tiffs"?   Things are very strained between me and her partner, and as a result I’ve only talked to my dd a couple of times in the last year. She ignores my phone calls and FaceTime calls or messages on whattsapp. I reach out at least once a weeek to her.So, is FaceTime lack - a tiff from your POV? 
 
I  suspect she’s being abused, and last time I visited I very gently told her so, and this suggestion was one of the reasons for the upset last time. She completely overreacted and tried to blame it on me. But I know Her DP controls her thinking and this is why she’s refusing us to stay - she strenuously denies this. Not something you can gently bring up, ime, unless dd is ready to accept. I’ve offered that she and the kids should return here, but they never have. I would welcome Then with open arms.
 
Since they married 10 years ago she’s changed and pulled further and further away from her family and become very cold and cruel. She seems to not care about anyone anymore, and Doesn’t attend family weddings, funerals or reunions. In my family everyone changed as they grew up, married, had kiddies - just a part of shifting priorities. Not everyone values family reunions, weddings and funerals, especially if they live a distance and the cost is high to attend.
 
i am very upset about this and need ideas to help me change her mind. I doubt you can, I wouldn't change my mind if I had tiffs with mom and she disliked my husband. It’s not just the expense (which is huge) but also the fact that I want to be around the grandkids as much as possible. Come over, when invited and be low-key about the hotel, my suggestion. I need to see my grand babies. I also want to become closer to my daughter. She has a nasty habit of just cutting people out of her life and I’m concerned I’ll be next.
 
ETA: I wish you well, maybe counseling would help you accept daughters decisions?
Edited by JanelleK
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13 hours ago, INCOGNITO said:

I’ve offered that she and the kids should return here, but they never have. I would welcome Then with open arms.

A second read through your post caused this to jump out at me...are you suggesting DD leave her marriage? I'm so hoping not. If so, I think you have stepped way over a line that is not yours to cross. 

My mom was a difficult personality. We were never close. However she wasn't terribly toxic until I divorced after 10 years...She adored xH...who made some serious mistakes in our marriage, largely responsible for the breakup...yet it was my fault...When I remarried two years later...to someone who absolutely had my back...DH gave me all the tools and room to help my confidence grow. 

Example: My mom & her aH were both heavy smokers...I'm very sensitive to cigarette smoke so when we moved into our "new" house with 12ft ceilings I told her I didn't want her to smoke in the house. She was appalled...respectful the first visit (I think curiosity got the best of her) but then very put out because she couldn't steamroll over me and light up. She blamed DH, unfairly. She'd complain to my sister about the issue, who very straightforwardly told her that Mame has more trouble with your smoking than anyone, it triggers her asthma and the smoke lingers for days with those high ceilings. And it's HER house. Mama still blamed DH...My mother didn't visit my home for another 3 years...her loss.

Fast forward 10 more years, xH divorced a 2nd time...My mom tells sister that she wondered if I would leave DH to return to xH now that he was free again...WTF? 

And she wondered why she was on VLC (very low contact)...and that the conversations were largely superficial.

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55 minutes ago, Mame925 said:

...are you suggesting DD leave her marriage? I'm so hoping not. If so, I think you have stepped way over a line that is not yours to cross. 

BUT the line is incredibly fine, it's really hard to tape ones mouth shut. We were miserable walking that line. I do think Mame is 98% correct but some words in "I Walk the Line" speak to us - we walked and kept our eyes wide open all the time.

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.   ETA: I doubt I make sense  :(  

Edited by JanelleK

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Totally agree, Janelle, Mr. Johnny wrote "I Walk The Line" from personal experience recalling the struggles in his first marriage and subsequent marriage to June Carter and the huge messes he created along the way. 

DsD made two of the worst husband choices ever...we counseled her against them both times...but she knew everything. We accepted the husbands at least civilly, if not reasonably warmly...both marriages blew up in her face...we helped pick up the pieces. She's stable, self sufficient and not dating....a good thing at this point.

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I have lurked on this post for a while. I wasn't sure what direction to go, since my initial reaction was kind of strong and I thought I might be overreacting. 

My very first instinct was similar to Janelle's - were you invited to visit your DD and her family? Or was the visit instigated because DD ' finally agrees for us to come after months of trying to get her to commit '. There may very well be a reason why she was being noncommittal regarding setting a date.  So she 'finally' sets the date and makes a compromise, she asks you to stay in a hotel. I honestly don't think that is asking too much. I don't know how long you were planning to visit, but my guess is at least a few days since you have to fly 10 hours to get there and you haven't seen them in a while. I don't know how old the kids are or when you are planning to visit, but you have to take into account their family schedule and how your visit fits in to what they already have on the books. For example, are you visiting during school (if they are school aged). Are you visiting during a school break? Are you visiting at a time when one or both of the parents will have to take time off from work to host your visit? 

I wouldn't be offended by a request to stay at a hotel. It's the best of both worlds. You can visit when the kids are in their 'prime time' for best behavior, and not have to be there for early morning wakeups, etc. You can enjoy privacy and your own schedule at the hotel, without having to adjust to and fit into their schedule. You can eat what you want instead of what they are having. You can sleep when you want and however long you want without having kids and daily schedules interrupt. 

The last time you visited, you told your DD, no matter how gently, that you believe her DH is abusing her. Do you have actual proof of this or is this a mom's instinct kind of thing? Or is it because you and he don't get along and your DD isn't as amenable as she once was around you? You say you KNOW that her DH controls her thinking - how do you know this? I'm not being snarky, I'm seriously trying to understand this.  When you offered that she and the kids could return with you, were you implying that she should take their children and leave her husband, their home, their lives?  Honestly, if we reacted this way to our understanding of the situation, I can only imagine what kind of tiffs happened with DD if she reacted in the same way. 

You say she seems not to care about anyone anymore  - as evidenced by the fact that she no longer attends family weddings, funerals or reunions. I think I may be in terrible trouble. Is this what my family thinks of me?  We have a lot of family out of state, 6-10 hours by car, and we haven't gone to a single wedding, funeral or reunion in the last 5 years because they just didn't work with our schedules. Not because we don't care about and love our family there. It just didn't work for us. 

If your approach is to try and change her mind - I'm guessing you want her to allow you to stay in her home - I fear you are going to be upset. I think your best bet is going to be to take the offered time and stay in the hotel (shorten the visit if necessary to allay the expense). 

This statement has me concerned "I NEED to see my grand babies. I ALSO want to become closer to my daughter." (emphasis is mine). I think if you want to improve your relationship with your DD you first need to listen to what she is and what she ISN'T saying in regards to the visit. And what she is and isn't saying in your other interactions. A closer relationship with your DD is what will likely help you spend more time with you grands. 

 

Edited by BlueEyedGirl
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On 1/11/2018 at 0:38 PM, Mame925 said:

Totally agree, Janelle, Mr. Johnny wrote "I Walk The Line" from personal experience recalling the struggles in his first marriage and subsequent marriage to June Carter and the huge messes he created along the way. 

DsD made two of the worst husband choices ever...we counseled her against them both times...but she knew everything. We accepted the husbands at least civilly, if not reasonably warmly...both marriages blew up in her face...we helped pick up the pieces. She's stable, self sufficient and not dating....a good thing at this point.

But if Incog's DD's DP is, in fact, abusing her DD, this is more serious, IMO, than just a "poor choice of husband." And I can't blame her for letting DD know that she and the GC are welcome to come back to live with/near Incog.

Incog, the fact that DD "strenuously denies" the abuse could mean one of two things. Either she's in serious denial or you're very wrong about it and not seeing what's really going on. If if's the former, I'm so deeply sorry. All you can do now is back off and be glad you left that door open. If it's the latter, then. of course, you'll still need to back off and, as has been said, respect DD's wishes.

How to know which it is? IDK. But upon rereading, this caught my attention:

But I know Her DP controls her thinking and this is why she’s refusing us to stay...

Are you sure? Isn't it possible it's b/c of the "tiffs" you and she had during your last visit? And the accusation you made against her DP back then? Perhaps she isn't comfortable having someone stay in her home who has strained relations w/ both herself and her DP?

If someone had a bad relationship w/ your DH, would you invite them to come and stay in your/his home? Would you like it if DH invited somebody to stay whose relationship w/ you wasn't good?... Food for thought...

 

Edited by RoseRed135
to change "SIL" to "DP," etc.

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I am sorry you and your DD have a strained relationship, I truly understand how painful that can be from personal experience.  First, in your weekly contracts with DD have you ever offered an apology, and explained to DD that her happiness is all that matters to you. The past riffs are still causing a strain. Your trying to overlook what was said and done while DD feels hurt.  You tell us DD has been married for 10 years and has changed, let's hope so! She has matured, evolved into an adult who has found a life of her own. All the advise given from the posters above is great. Hope will think about it. You can't change your DD mind. You can only change yours.

Just wondering, what was your relationship like before DD married and moved 10hrs. away by plane?

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On 1/11/2018 at 6:54 PM, INCOGNITO said:

The last time I visited we had a few minor tiffs which she hasn’t really gotten over.  Things are very strained between me and her partner, and as a result I’ve only talked to my dd a couple of times in the last year. She ignores my phone calls and FaceTime calls or messages on whattsapp. I reach out at least once a weeek to her.

I  suspect she’s being abused, and last time I visited I very gently told her so, and this suggestion was one of the reasons for the upset last time. She completely overreacted and tried to blame it on me. But I know Her DP controls her thinking and this is why she’s refusing us to stay - she strenuously denies this. I’ve offered that she and the kids should return here, but they never have. I would welcome Then with open arms.

Rose, I think you might be overlooking something others are observing.  IF incog told her DD to know she could always come home, GENTLY and dropped it, that might perhaps be acceptable to DD. But this reads as if they had a fuss "she overreacted and strenuously denies". I see that as pushing incogs opinion. I hate anyone pushing their uninformed opinion (unless she sees/is informed of bruises etc). A far cry from "have you considered" - once, gently. 
 
It's hard to watch, but the AC is married to the person being criticized. I would be furious if anyone criticized my husband (I think most everyone is the same) and it's a given I'd CO anyone who trashed him. Nobody else knows what actually goes on in my home but me and my husband, unless they see or we tell. IMO, Parents can only say a tiny something (maybe), pray, and watch/listen constantly.
 
ETA: And perhaps most important - NOBODY who (in my opinion) unfairly trashed my husband to me - would ever be allowed to enter our home. He lives here, this home is half his, and his comfort is what matters to my happiness.

 

 

Edited by JanelleK
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34 minutes ago, JanelleK said:
It's hard to watch, but the AC is married to the person being criticized. I would be furious if anyone criticized my husband (I think most everyone is the same) and it's a given I'd CO anyone who trashed him. Nobody else knows what actually goes on in my home but me and my husband, unless they see or we tell. IMO, Parents can only say a tiny something (maybe), pray, and watch/listen constantly.

 

 

To piggyback on this statement, I wanted to add something. As some of you know, my relationship with one of my brothers isn't the best right now. Partially because he decided that after our dad died it was his responsibility to ensure that mom was "taken care of" (read: our perfectly healthy, sound mind, 70 years young mother who is fully 100% capable of taking care of herself, took care of daddy for over 10 years - suddenly needs her son to police her every move, decision and activity - insert vomit face here)  But he also stepped in it big time with me by making a very 'none of his &*$% business' statement about my DH, which he was certain he knew 100% everything about (spoiler alert: he didn't have a clue what he was talking about).  I saw red. 1. Because it wasn't true. 2. Because that is my DH that he is talking about  and 3. Because he didn't trust ME, his sister, enough to know more about what goes on in my own  home than he, someone who doesn't live in my house, could possibly know. 

It is very difficult to really know what goes on in someone else's home if you aren't living there too.

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Well, sometimes people in the middle of a whirlwind have a different view of the middle of it than those on the outside of it do- But what matters I think is that the people in the middle of it want to be in the middle of it, it's their whirlwind -- even if it looks like a **** storm to others when on the outside looking in- But sometimes it is a **** storm and somebody has to say something and/or step in before someone gets hurt, hurt worse or worse-

 

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