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AndreaMSW

If you could go back in time....

53 posts in this topic

I've been thinking about this and i'm curious to hear what other people would say.  Whether you are a MIL, DIL or both, etc - if you could go back in time before either you got married or your AC got married, etc - would you have done anything differently regarding relationships with either AC, IL, etc?

Before DH and I decided to get married, we talked about the obvious (children, location, financial issues, religion, etc) however i never once thought to ask him about his relationship with his parents, specifically his mother, what expectations there were regarding this relationship, etc.

Also if i could back in time  - i would have established boundaries with MIL right away, rather than trying to do it 13 years into our marriage. I know hindsight is always 20/20...however i saw so many red flags and at the time, yes i recognized these things as being odd, annoying, or just strange...but i really didn't put a lot of thought into it.  I also wish that prior to us getting married, i would have gotten to know my MIL better and find out what her expectations were, etc.  It wouldn't have necessarily changed anything but i do wonder. 

I would never ask MIL this because i don't think i'd get an honest answer but i also wonder what she thought of me and if she could have asked me anything, what would she have asked me? the only thing i remember her saying to me right after we got married was "remember he's my son and i love him more."  my response to her was "I think we both love him in very different ways"

i'm just curious what others would have done or thought of if they could go back (that is if you would have done things differently)

Edited by AndreaMSW

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I like to reflect but regret not so much, I prefer to reconsider, to look at what's happened and have a better understanding of what transpired in order to adjust similar situations going forward if given the chance or create the opportunity- Just yesterday my sister gave me a call early in the morning, too early to chat freely without waking others so sat outside in the car during a snow squall which was perfect considering the subject matter- She didn't like something I said about an extended family matter, I know she judged me for it and got defensive and said she didn't want to argue- I said that we didn't have to, that we can share our views with each other even if different and consider what each other has to say- And we did- She did from some distance, with reservation, measuring her wording- She likes to be right- Sometimes much more than carrying on a conversation- But I appreciated the fact that she made the effort instead of pushing- I may look back at our conversation at another time and see it differently- In fact just since yesterday afternoon realized that she gets empathy burnout, which is something I hadn't realized prior- I also realized that she was seeing a good guy and bad guy when in reality there are neither- There's a younger one that's not prepared for the circumstance but making an effort and an older one suffering the loss of control, independence and side effects of pain meds and radiation- So, no .. I'm really not a fan of going back to change anything, I can change going forward- I cringe to think of what may or may not be if I did things differently because whatever I could change might change the entire trajectory of my life- Perhaps I am where I am meant to be .. ?

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I would have had an Olive Garden relationship with my IL's in which we met 4 times a year for an hour at the Olive Garden, and we split the bill!   My MIL would have preferred Cheesecake Factory as that was her favorite place, but there's something about the unlimited salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden that I don't think I could ever tire of. 

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I knew DH was close with his family...he said it plainly, they all live in the same town. I made a good friend of one sister, the other gives me the fidgets, I rarely see her and never seek her out. I got along with his mom superficially. She had some very good qualities that were, unfortunately often sidetracked by low self esteem...along with a hair trigger temper...She was his mom, so I tried...He usually saw her one his way home from work, I saw her maybe once a month, if that...

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There are so many things I could do different. Set boundaries with everyone earlier is probably the 2nd thing. The first would be to NOT have been the social secretary and instead let DH dictate his relationship with his family and just follow his lead. I wish I had recognized the red flags when they happened and if I did I didn't think much of them. I should have realized some things long before I did but I always just figured the good and positive instead of the negative and they probably didn't mean anything...it's me. NOPE. It was them! I agree hindsight is always 20/20 and by the time I was fed up it was pretty much too late. Hard to enforce boundaries so late in the game. :unknw:

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Not too long ago, I would have said that setting firmer boundaries, both w/ DM & MIL, would have helped DH & me. And it would have. But looking back now, I see that I tried - and that what I really needed was to learn when to stop being "nice" about it. IOWs, saying things like, "I appreciate your concern, but we've decided to do it this way" is fine the first time there's an issue.But when either DM or MIL pushed her POV the next time, then, I believe, I should have dropped the "appreciation clause," :) and just reminded her, "I told you were doing it this way." After that, it should have just been a matter of bean dipping.. Repeatedly acknowledging DM's/MIL's "concerns" made it seem too much as if they figured into decisions they had no say in. It sent a mixed message which wasn't fair to them or me. And, in MIL's case, I think it's part of what led to my blowing up at her, eventually.

I also think DH & I gave out more info than we should have in the early years and did way too much JADEing. We both felt that if we explained enough, DM/MIL would understand what we were doing and accept it even if they didn't agree, It took us a long time to realize that this just gave them more "reasons" to argue and, once again, gave them too much of a sense that their POV was a factor in our choices. If I "could go back in time," I would change that, too, at least on my part.

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Where my adult DDs are concerned. if I had a do-over, I would join FB sooner since ODD felt she and I could keep in touch better that way (we do!) and not "held out" for her to communicate more via a medium I was more used to. Precious time wasted!

Regarding YDD, I would realize while she was pregnant the first time, that info & ideas about babycare must have changed and that I couldn't expect her to, automatically, do what I did years ago or follow my advice. I would listen to her, ask questions, here & there, perhaps read up on it, myself, and, most of all, just trust her and follow her lead. Fortunately, I caught on soon enough that there were some significant changes, but if I had realize it sooner, it would have spared us some uncomfortable moments.

Also, if I could do things over, I would stay out of the middle of my DDs' adult conflicts, period, and not be influenced by well-meaning relatives who said, "Can't you mediate?" or "You're still their mom - you can help them sort this out."  And I would establish early on that I don't participate in negative talk about either of them w/ the other - that I would listen a little, but that, in the end, they'd have to work out any differences between themselves. As many of you know, this is what I finally did, and it did wonders for their relationship. But it would have been so much easier if I had started sooner and they might have begun their now- close adult relationship earlier, as well.

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There's nothing I would have done differently before marriage. There wasn't any problems that I was aware of at that time. I would change how I reacted after we got married. 

I reacted to my MIL all the time. She would do something hurtful, I would get upset,  try to talk to her, try to resolve issues and I didn't realise for 4 years that she was deliberately trying to upset me. 

When I realised I gave up and when I stopped reacting she stopped doing the behaviours that were causing the problems. Well eventually anyway. 

I spent far too many years trying to have a relationship with someone who didn't have my best interests at heart and was actively behind the scenes trying to undermine me. The one thing I learned was to detach and there's nothing she can do now that upsets me. 

Funnily enough the relationship has now improved. 

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41 minutes ago, Layla said:

 

I reacted to my MIL all the time. She would do something hurtful, I would get upset,  try to talk to her, try to resolve issues

When I realised I gave up and when I stopped reacting she stopped doing the behaviours that were causing the problems. Well eventually anyway. 

 

This is me - and something that Rose said also...i think in hindsight i did try to set boundaries however i was too polite about it...which i feel gave MIL the impression that her respecting my boundaries was optional.  I am very reactive and very sensitive to MIL - I notice even the smallest digs that my DH typically doesn't even notice or see it for what it is.  

As mentioned in another thread - I think my issues are not all MIL issues but DH issues as well because he implicitly sides with her.  he doesn't take sides in a n obvious way but by not verbally supporting me in front of her and trying to remain neutral all.of.the.time he is taking her side.  Just over Christmas, we were sitting at MIL's dining room table and she asked us if we wanted their Wii set, as she feels the kids would love it (the other issue is she's always giving us stuff we don't really want).  So i said "I don't know DH and I will think about it and discuss."  She angrily looks at DH for his support so he doesn't come out and say yes, but he says "Well we have to wait until we finish renovating our basement" which is saying yes to her because she had this satisfied little smirk on her face afterwards.  

In the beginning of our marriage, i was famous for trying to have long talks with MIL to try and get her to see my side of things...it usually didn't work.

Right now im struggling because naturally i'm a social person...i like people i think family is important, etc.  I'm realizing that the only way MIL and I can have a decent relationship is if i keep my distance.  I won't FaceTime her or answer her FaceTime if she calls first while DH is at work, she's not permitted overnight visits unless DH will be home (he often travels for work) and unless it's a holiday i rarely go with DH and the kids to visit her.  There will be times that she's super nice to me and i think "ok we can do this" but it doesn't take long for something else to happen.   I'm hoping that if i stop reacting all together like you did, that she may stop doing certain things.

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7 hours ago, Komorebi said:

I like to reflect but regret not so much, I prefer to reconsider, to look at what's happened and have a better understanding of what transpired in order to adjust similar situations going forward if given the chance or create the opportunity- 

I like this approach very much...not so much regret but rather reflect and try to learn from it

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interestingly enough, i have no issues setting boundaries with my mom - i mean i come from a large family so there is always drama with someone.  I remember once my twin sister and i got into an argument over the phone and i was visiting my parents house...my sister had gone back to her place....while we were arguing on the phone, my mom was following me around the house, despite me going into another room and shutting the door but she followed me in.  I had no issue telling her that my argument with my sister was none of her business and to stay out of it.

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Before we were married, i had only met my MIL on like maybe 4 or 5 different occasions.  After we got married, MIL often talked about her relationship with DH.  I know when DH was young, she and him were somewhat close, however as he became a teenager, she will say that she didn't like him very much (he was apparently very moody),  She would often say that when he left for university, it was tears of joy not sadness for her because he was leaving the house.  However when he chose to go to the US for grad school (we live in Canada now) she told me that DH promised her he would return home.  She also once told me something interesting - she told me that when DH was 5, he asked her why she didn't love him.  Of course DH has no memory of this...and if i were to bring this up now she would deny that she ever said that  In hindsight,  i think she probably had PPD..SIL would have been 2 or so when he was 5.  I think some of her behavior now, especially with my children, is her trying to overcompensate for what she may perceive as mistakes when she parented her own children (she also had a very tense relationship with SIL).  and though DH has zero insight into this, i thin subconsciously he's constantly trying to please her because growing up as a child he never felt he was good enough for her.  I think MIL was then how she is now...when her needs aren't being met or you disappoint her in some way, she gives you the silence treatment that can last for weeks or months.  she is intolerant of even some "normal behavior" from children.  my son, in addition to high functioning autism, has been diagnosed with ADHD  -once when she was visiting he was really excited to see her and was "hyper" and trying to get her attention, she wouldn't even look at him or acknowledge him until he could "greet her properly."  Because DS has matured and grown up quite a bit, she relates to him better now, but for the first 5 years of his life, she just didn't like him and it was obvious to him and us.  so i can imagine what is was like for DH and it explains a lot of who he is today.   

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IMO, you have a lot of insight into your relationship w/ DH and MIL. I think you're handling things as well as can be expected, given the history, and so, perhaps, is DH. Has he ever sought any counseling? And I'm sorry, I don't recall offhand, have the 2 of you thought about marriage counseling?

So sorry about DS' problems and the way MIL reacted to him in his early years. She, obviously, didn't understand. TG, he has parents like you and DH!

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I wish I wouldn't have read negative motives into things that I found out years later weren't negative motives at all.  An honest explanation on her part would have helped (my bias FOR JADIENG), but I shouldn't have just jumped to negative conclusions.

Example- For years I've been upset that I can't watch my son and DILs dog when they go on vacation.  Her mother usually watches it and I get that.  But they vacation together frequently and I can't even watch the dog then.  They sent it to the kennel.  .  I was sure that it predicted that I'd never get to watch any potential GC either.  Lately, they haven't even been bringing her to my house when they visit, they leave her at her mothers.  So I said something (again).  I probably shouldn't have, but it was really bothering me.  Why weren't they bringing the dog with them when the visited.  They did do that before and that was a change for the worse.  She said that the dog pees all over carpeting and that's why they weren't bringing it here.  

Edited by skipped
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There's a lot of stuff in hindsight I would've done differently. However, I often feel like I got a little bit of a bait and switch with MIL. Before ODS was born, I thought she was just the nicest, sweetest person. Never in a million years would we have a problem with her. And then he came a long and she started to let her real personality show to me. After talking to DH, I know now all of the stuff that caused the issues have been longstanding things, since DH was a child. Probably before. 

So, if I knew then what I knew now, I'd probably have backed off a little bit in trying to keep up her relationship with ODS and us, and let things fall where they did. The fact that I spent a lot of time twisting myself into knots trying to ensure she had time with us, and then she just turned around and complained and was critical makes me very resentful. I know now it wouldn't have mattered, she's pathologically insecure and needy, and you can't reassure anyone out of that kind of blackhole. 

I made the mistake of assuming she'd be like my family - the more the merrier. I know a lot of my extended families ILs, we had large family celebrations, and basically whoever wanted to come was welcome. So it eventually became we invite her/her partner, if they show, they show, if not, then not. She usually sees the kids on "not the day" now, and the last few times I had been around for those things, there wasn't any complaining about it. I think we both know now that she's not really willing to share events/holidays with my FOO, and I'm not willing to exclude my FOO from them. So it is what is.  

There were little red flags before ODS was born, but I had no idea what was coming because I'd never experienced that side of MIL before. So I don't know if I really could've done anything differently unless I had a crystal ball to see what was coming. I feel like I made a genuine effort to get to know her and be respectful of her as DH's mom, but ODS' birth triggered her needy insecure jealous side and it eventually just got a point of no return. Even if things get better, I'll never trust her or consider her a safe person. 

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1 hour ago, AndreaMSW said:

 I am very reactive and very sensitive to MIL - I notice even the smallest digs that my DH typically doesn't even notice or see it for what it is.  

Just over Christmas, we were sitting at MIL's dining room table and she asked us if we wanted their Wii set, as she feels the kids would love it (the other issue is she's always giving us stuff we don't really want).  So i said "I don't know DH and I will think about it and discuss."  She angrily looks at DH for his support so he doesn't come out and say yes, but he says "Well we have to wait until we finish renovating our basement" which is saying yes to her because she had this satisfied little smirk on her face afterwards. 

I'm hoping that if i stop reacting all together like you did, that she may stop doing certain things.

Yeah my Dh also was oblivious to insults alot of the time or chose not to get into an argument. Not so much now though. 

I know the smirk well. My MIL would continually buy stuff for our house even though I was quite vocal about wanting to decorate myself. She would give me furniture and I would say we didn't have room for it. DH would accept it and she would smirk at me. I would say I hate pot plants so she would give me two pot plants for my birthday. When I killed them she bought me cactus pot plants. Smirking the whole time. DH use to say that it was rude to reject gifts even when we were getting them fortnightly, it was crazy. When I stopped reacting the so called presents stopped coming. 

Although as well as not reacting I also stopped seeing her for about two years. I probably saw her a couple of times a year so maybe that's why she changed. Who knows but once I gave up on her she seemed to mellow after a while.

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53 minutes ago, skipped said:

I wish I wouldn't have read negative motives into things that I found out years later weren't negative motives at all.  An honest explanation on her part would have helped (my bias against JADIENG), but I shouldn't have just jumped to negative conclusions.

Example- For years I've been upset that I can't watch my son and DILs dog when they go on vacation.  Her mother usually watches it and I get that.  But they vacation together frequently and I can't even watch the dog then.  They sent it to the kennel.  .  I was sure that it predicted that I'd never get to watch any potential GC either.  Lately, they haven't even been bringing her to my house when they visit, they leave her at her mothers.  So I said something (again).  I probably shouldn't have, but it was really bothering me.  Why weren't they bringing the dog with them when the visited.  They did do that before and that was a change for the worse.  She said that the dog pees all over carpeting and that's why they weren't bringing it here.  

you make a good point.  however when actions are so obvious (like leaving the dog with DIL's mother all the time) and clearly one would notice....i would hope that they would have explained why from the very beginning....but i can see how that is really JADEING)

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1 hour ago, RoseRed135 said:

IMO, you have a lot of insight into your relationship w/ DH and MIL. I think you're handling things as well as can be expected, given the history, and so, perhaps, is DH. Has he ever sought any counseling? And I'm sorry, I don't recall offhand, have the 2 of you thought about marriage counseling?

So sorry about DS' problems and the way MIL reacted to him in his early years. She, obviously, didn't understand. TG, he has parents like you and DH!

yes DH is now considering marriage counseling - though i'd also like him to see somebody individually as well.  DH told me a few nights ago that his mother had a hard time with me after we got married.  my perception is that because i challenged her.  When we decided to legally get married (our "big wedding was already scheduled a year from when he were legally married) it was for practical reasons (the amount of time it takes immigration stuff for me to go from US to Canada).  DH emailed his parents on a friday and was like we're getting married monday.  i remember MIL calling me upset and saying they couldn't get to PA in 2 days (they were 7 hours away).  I explained that to us the important wedding was the one happening a year from that time - she could come to the courthouse ceremony if they wanted to of course...but i was clear we were not rearranging our plans to accommodate her...come or don't come...we are legally getting married in 2 days so that's that.  at the time i didn't look at it so much as challenging.  i was raised in a family where largely as adults we make decisions and my parents support that regardless of how they may feel personally about it. apparently the night we were legally married, we all went out to dinner afterwards (his parents ended up coming) - MIL told DH that she wished he would have married someone else.  but i didn't know this until recently.

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1 hour ago, Layla said:

Yeah my Dh also was oblivious to insults alot of the time or chose not to get into an argument. Not so much now though. 

I know the smirk well. My MIL would continually buy stuff for our house even though I was quite vocal about wanting to decorate myself. She would give me furniture and I would say we didn't have room for it. DH would accept it and she would smirk at me. I would say I hate pot plants so she would give me two pot plants for my birthday. When I killed them she bought me cactus pot plants. Smirking the whole time. DH use to say that it was rude to reject gifts even when we were getting them fortnightly, it was crazy. When I stopped reacting the so called presents stopped coming. 

Although as well as not reacting I also stopped seeing her for about two years. I probably saw her a couple of times a year so maybe that's why she changed. Who knows but once I gave up on her she seemed to mellow after a while.

yeah what is with wanting to give us stuff we don't need!  I realized about a month ago that a number of stuff we have is because she gave it to us (wine glasses, bath towels, cutlery, etc) and it's not like we needed it and she provided.  he also doesn't want to reject a gift but when she continues even though we tell her we don't need or want it, it becomes a form of control.  now if she gives us something that we don't need i just throw it away or give it to someone else and don't tell her about it

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3 hours ago, NewMama said:

There's a lot of stuff in hindsight I would've done differently. However, I often feel like I got a little bit of a bait and switch with MIL. Before ODS was born, I thought she was just the nicest, sweetest person. Never in a million years would we have a problem with her. And then he came a long and she started to let her real personality show to me. After talking to DH, I know now all of the stuff that caused the issues have been longstanding things, since DH was a child. Probably before. 

So, if I knew then what I knew now, I'd probably have backed off a little bit in trying to keep up her relationship with ODS and us, and let things fall where they did. The fact that I spent a lot of time twisting myself into knots trying to ensure she had time with us, and then she just turned around and complained and was critical makes me very resentful. I know now it wouldn't have mattered, she's pathologically insecure and needy, and you can't reassure anyone out of that kind of blackhole. 

I made the mistake of assuming she'd be like my family - the more the merrier. I know a lot of my extended families ILs, we had large family celebrations, and basically whoever wanted to come was welcome. So it eventually became we invite her/her partner, if they show, they show, if not, then not. She usually sees the kids on "not the day" now, and the last few times I had been around for those things, there wasn't any complaining about it. I think we both know now that she's not really willing to share events/holidays with my FOO, and I'm not willing to exclude my FOO from them. So it is what is.  

There were little red flags before ODS was born, but I had no idea what was coming because I'd never experienced that side of MIL before. So I don't know if I really could've done anything differently unless I had a crystal ball to see what was coming. I feel like I made a genuine effort to get to know her and be respectful of her as DH's mom, but ODS' birth triggered her needy insecure jealous side and it eventually just got a point of no return. Even if things get better, I'll never trust her or consider her a safe person. 

I'm a more the merry type of girl...........I foolishly thought that's how all family works......in my family and my dh family both sides where always invited to any and all events.....my mil often hosted my dp and extended family and visa versa. Wasn't until I had a dil that I got taught differently.

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2 hours ago, AndreaMSW said:

you make a good point.  however when actions are so obvious (like leaving the dog with DIL's mother all the time) and clearly one would notice....i would hope that they would have explained why from the very beginning....but i can see how that is really JADEING)

Andrea I made a mistake and fixed it.  I think it would have helped if my DIL did JADE- at least the E part.

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I have two answers based on two scenarios: A, going all the way back to dating, and B, going back to after we were married.

Answer A: In all honesty? If I knew what I know NOW?  If I'd known from courtship how hard the next 17 years were going to be with ALL of my DH's FOO? I wouldn't have married him.

I did and do love him, and we are fundamentally well-matched.....but if I'd had a crystal ball, I'd have never signed on for all of the pain, confusion, fear and sadness, the divided loyalties, the MRSA staph, the cockroaches, the coerced "love", the stressful "vacations", the narcissism, the demands, the manipulation, the religious abuse, the guilt trips, the power trips, the financial weirdness. It wasn't just from MIL, but FIL and the two older SILs, too (and sometimes the BILs would get involved in negative ways)-- and that's a lot for a new bride to take on an entire family of takers. It's not as much a family as it is an enmeshed cult that demanded my absolute obedience, subservience and loyalty to them and their children. They were "the sun" and DH and I were expected to revolve around MIL's and SILs' every wishes and whims.

It's been a character-builder, sure, and Ive learned a lot through the hardship, but it's also subtracted a lot of joy from my life. So I have to reluctantly but honestly admit...I wouldn't have married him. Because in many ways, he's acted like a planet orbiting their sun, and I was expected to be a moon orbiting him AND his FOO. He thought that's just the way it was supposed to be, since his parents created the "laws" of their universe. It's only been in the past 10 years that he's seen we're not supposed to even be in the same solar system. And now it seems we're headed to a galaxy of our own. Finally. Thank you, God.

Answer B: But I did marry him, and the first three years were the most crucial. I wish we'd had better premarital counseling that asked specific questions about our FOOs-- how would we spend holidays? What would happen if any of our (eventually-widowed) parents were struggling? What is our role in our FOOs, what do we see as our obligations to them? What do we think they expect/want of us and/or future kids? If we'd had kids, what boundaries would we need to enforce? How much contact do we expect to have with our FOOs, post-wedding?

DH has expressed the regret that he was determinedly blind to their faults and how they were stressing our marriage (and me....and him). He's said he would've called them out on everything early on, but really?....It wouldn't have mattered. They're all incredibly enmeshed and it seems to work for all of them (well, it doesn't really, but they'll never admit it enough to change anything).

So post-marriage, I don't have many regrets for doing anything and everything I could to work through the IL problems. But DH has real regrets we (chiefly, HE) didn't walk away from them earlier. In the end, we both know we've done what we could do, given our own faults and limitations.

Bonus Answer C: The bad, burned elf in me might have screwed with all of their heads a little more. "Oh...you want us to sleep in the (s----y) basement for Xmas? I have an idea, why don't YOU sleep in the basement and we'll take your bed?"  "Oh, you want us to clean out PILs' basement for Valentine's Day? Why wouldn't THEY do that? Then I guess they don't really want a clean basement. We'll respect that and stay home."  "Oh, you suddenly want to change all the plans we all agreed on, 15 minutes before we're supposed to meet up? DH and I will be continuing with the original plans. Hope you have fun doing....whatever."  "What do you mean by that? Hey, DH, your mom/sister just said______. Hey, MIL and SIL, what do you do when your MILs/SILs do/say this to you (recite it back)?" "What church did you say you go to again?" "Oh, another religious gift. Here's one I have for you, regarding the sensibilities of atheism. Oh, more conservative rhetoric. Here's some liberal rhetoric." :crazy::crazy::crazy:

 

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17 minutes ago, oscarsmaman said:

 

, and the first three years were the most crucial. I wish we'd had better premarital counseling that asked specific questions about our FOOs-- how would we spend holidays? What would happen if any of our (eventually-widowed) parents were struggling? What is our role in our FOOs, what do we see as our obligations to them? What do we think they expect/want of us and/or future kids? If we'd had kids, what boundaries would we need to enforce? How much contact do we expect to have with our FOOs, post-wedding?

 

I think this is what i would have done differently for sure - DH and I have yet to discuss some of these issues and the issues will be here sooner than we would like to think. I know at least MIL has expectations that are different from ours.  FIL has early stage parkinson's (he's doing well and cognitively not much different than he's always been).  FIL has yet to even talk to us about his diagnosis but after he was first diagnosed, we got a huge email from MIL about how at some point, FIL's abilities will decline and when that happens, it's expected we move closer to them to help, etc  we still have to really discuss it...but i do think there are some expectations that they have from us and i don't think we quite have the same idea

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4 hours ago, AndreaMSW said:

MIL told DH that she wished he would have married someone else.

What she meant was she wished he would marry someone she could boss around...domineering people are like that...

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1 hour ago, Mame925 said:

What she meant was she wished he would marry someone she could boss around...domineering people are like that...

That makes sense - we had openly talked about getting married in her presence before we were legally married and she seemed quite pleased with it...at least didn't seem to mind.  However when we decided to make it official a year earlier than planned wedding just so we could get started on some very tedious paper work - she couldn't bully me (or him) for that matter into changing our plans.  When she had called our apartment to ask what was going on, DH was at work.  So she spoke to me and very clearly said, you're not doing it this early we need time to plan, etc..i was very much like "sorry..already took the day off work on monday and that's when we are doing it. come or don't come...up to you"

Edited by AndreaMSW
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