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EmptynestGma

Learned last night kids moving far away

131 posts in this topic

On February 29, 2016 at 11:46 PM, norcalsyl said:

I am grateful I found this site.  I learned yesterday my son is moving his family (my 2 granddaughters 9 & 3 and grandson 2)  to Texas in July.  Right now we all live in northern CA.  I haven't stopped crying since.  I usually pick up my babies every other Friday on my way home from work.  I have their stuff all over my place.  I can't even imagine my life without them here.  I am a single Grandma & they are my life!

As hard as this is for you, I would encourage you to be supportive and encouraging to them. It's a big change, for everyone.

Especially if your ds is a single Dad (you didn't mention a DIL, so I don't know if he is or not).

I would also encourage you to see a counselor. Not being mean, or snarky at all. This is going to be a grieving process, a huge change, and getting outside support is always a good idea with that. It allows you to freely express your feelings, without anyone becoming upset or hurt, or potentially damaging a relationship.

I wish you well.

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It was pure heaven sent that I clicked on this older message. My son, daughter-in-law and twin 2 year old granddaughters who have been with me for three years (granddaughters 2) abruptly decided to move about 900 miles away, moving into her parent's house. They have been living with me, rent free, utility free and bill free (Car Insurance, Wedding rings, food for all 4, medical etc.). They feel they "Can't make it here" yet saved around $5,000.000! Yes, I let that happen-hoping it would help them find a place closer. I was the everyday babysitter, cook and maid! They had there own space, living in a 3 bedroom, kitchen, dining room, large bathroom, living room and a rec/playroom, while my husband and I took the upstairs apartment (2 bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen and living room).

It is a longer, more involved story to tell, but basically I have been told horror stories from my daughter-in-law about her childhood and I am so afraid that my grandchildren will be placed in that same situation. 

I feel like my heart has been torn out, I feel used and abused. We were not informed or asked for any of our advice regarding this. They went to visit them for 4 days and came back and told everyone but us right away, letting us in on it about a week later. I have given my opinions, some I have kept to myself so as not to cause waves. It is very hard to have them living here right now, all happy and gay. I still babysit but is so hard. All I do is cry! Sad to say I can't wait until they live only to cry and cry and then start the healing process. I have not toolong ago lost my mom, 8 months later my dad, who both lived with me. Now I am losing them. I am no longer a daughter, mother and grandmother. I will be in this huge house alone, (Yes, my husband is here but he still works a 10 hour day and I have been retired for 4 years). I am scared and broken. But I am hoping by reading these posts and as time goes by, I can do it!!

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35 minutes ago, trickity said:

It was pure heaven sent that I clicked on this older message. My son, daughter-in-law and twin 2 year old granddaughters who have been with me for three years (granddaughters 2) abruptly decided to move about 900 miles away, moving into her parent's house. They have been living with me, rent free, utility free and bill free (Car Insurance, Wedding rings, food for all 4, medical etc.). They feel they "Can't make it here" yet saved around $5,000.000! Yes, I let that happen-hoping it would help them find a place closer. I was the everyday babysitter, cook and maid! They had there own space, living in a 3 bedroom, kitchen, dining room, large bathroom, living room and a rec/playroom, while my husband and I took the upstairs apartment (2 bedrooms, bathroom, kitchen and living room).

It is a longer, more involved story to tell, but basically I have been told horror stories from my daughter-in-law about her childhood and I am so afraid that my grandchildren will be placed in that same situation. 

I feel like my heart has been torn out, I feel used and abused. We were not informed or asked for any of our advice regarding this. They went to visit them for 4 days and came back and told everyone but us right away, letting us in on it about a week later. I have given my opinions, some I have kept to myself so as not to cause waves. It is very hard to have them living here right now, all happy and gay. I still babysit but is so hard. All I do is cry! Sad to say I can't wait until they live only to cry and cry and then start the healing process. I have not toolong ago lost my mom, 8 months later my dad, who both lived with me. Now I am losing them. I am no longer a daughter, mother and grandmother. I will be in this huge house alone, (Yes, my husband is here but he still works a 10 hour day and I have been retired for 4 years). I am scared and broken. But I am hoping by reading these posts and as time goes by, I can do it!!

Oh, trickitty, my heart goes out to you! I'm so deeply sorry for your recent losses and now to have DS (dear son), DIL (daughter-in-law) and those 2 precious GDs moving so far away - after having lived w/ you and been part of your daily life for so long - wow - no doubt, this has compounded your grief! You must feel as if you're drowning...

Also, to know they're going to be living w/ the other parents/GPs - and that they are going to have the time w/ DS and family that you've been enjoying - I don't mean to accuse you of being envious, but I know this must make it that much harder.

Especially since DIL told you "horror stories" about her childhood! Could it be she was exaggerating? Or that what you consider "horror" is just a very different lifestyle than you're used to? Unless she described actual child abuse or domestic violence, please try to let that worry go.

Regardless, I think you were wise to keep most of your opinions about this to yourself. And to reach out to us here. As you read various threads and talk to others here, I'm sure you'll see there are many good ways to keep in touch w/ your DS and family, even when they are farther away, etc.

For now, (((hugs))). And welcome!

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P.S. If it's any comfort, I think that the reason DS and DIL waited to tell you is that they knew it might be hard for you to take. It was probably out of love and concern, not just to keep you in the dark, if that's what you're thinking...

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I just found this forum and I can't believe how many other grandparents are having the same heart break and shear agony that I have. Well here is my situation. My daughter, SIL, and granddaughter have lived with me since the day she came home from the hospital.  I was there for every prental appt. I witnessed this precious miracle come into this world. That was almost 18 months ago. She is my everything. I have never been this "in love" in my life. She mended a badly broken heart. I'm with her every day. All her firsts have happened in my home. She greets me every morning with a knock on my door, a huge smile, a "hi", climbs into my bed with lots of cuddles and "loves". She makes my heart soar. And her laughter is infectious. We have breakfast together 4 days a week. We even have a special mims and monkey day where the two of us go out together and just spend alone time.  She is one of my reasons to wake up each day. But I just found out this past Thurs that they are moving next Wed. It was originally planned for them to move out at the end of the summer and within 15 mins of me. Now they are moving in 4 days and will be 4 hours away. This has beyond crushed me. I can't stop crying. I haven't slept in two days. I'm walking around like a zombie. I can't eat and don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I known this sounds odd but I feel like my GD is dying and not just moving away. I don't know how to handle this. I can't even walk into her room. I can't look at pictures, toys, clothes or anything. I especially can't look at my SIL. This was and is his decision and he has additional family there. He didn't even discuss it it with his wife before accepting this new job. My daughter's whole life is here. Her family and best friends are here. She has never lived in any other state. She is a stay at home mom but she will not know anyone there or know where anything is. She is very upset about this but she said she loves him and prays this is a better oppurtunity for their family so she will go. I want nothing but happiness for them but I can't get a grip on this gut wrenching feeling. Also, I'm disabled and can't afford road trips so I'm grieving and angry beyond words. I'm lost...

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2 hours ago, Brokenheartedmims said:

I just found this forum and I can't believe how many other grandparents are having the same heart break and shear agony that I have. Well here is my situation. My daughter, SIL, and granddaughter have lived with me since the day she came home from the hospital.  I was there for every prental appt. I witnessed this precious miracle come into this world. That was almost 18 months ago. She is my everything. I have never been this "in love" in my life. She mended a badly broken heart. I'm with her every day. All her firsts have happened in my home. She greets me every morning with a knock on my door, a huge smile, a "hi", climbs into my bed with lots of cuddles and "loves". She makes my heart soar. And her laughter is infectious. We have breakfast together 4 days a week. We even have a special mims and monkey day where the two of us go out together and just spend alone time.  She is one of my reasons to wake up each day. But I just found out this past Thurs that they are moving next Wed. It was originally planned for them to move out at the end of the summer and within 15 mins of me. Now they are moving in 4 days and will be 4 hours away. This has beyond crushed me. I can't stop crying. I haven't slept in two days. I'm walking around like a zombie. I can't eat and don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I known this sounds odd but I feel like my GD is dying and not just moving away. I don't know how to handle this. I can't even walk into her room. I can't look at pictures, toys, clothes or anything. I especially can't look at my SIL. This was and is his decision and he has additional family there. He didn't even discuss it it with his wife before accepting this new job. My daughter's whole life is here. Her family and best friends are here. She has never lived in any other state. She is a stay at home mom but she will not know anyone there or know where anything is. She is very upset about this but she said she loves him and prays this is a better oppurtunity for their family so she will go. I want nothing but happiness for them but I can't get a grip on this gut wrenching feeling. Also, I'm disabled and can't afford road trips so I'm grieving and angry beyond words. I'm lost...

Try to look at the positives of things. SIL is getting a new job and I'm assuming that it pays better.. ie better off financially for his family.

Your DD, while yes being in a new place can be scary at first it can also be very exciting! New adventure,  new scenery!

SIL getting a new job and moving out also means he's 'stepping up' to the challenge of being a one income household and 'growing up' and moving out. THIS is truly a good thing I promise.

Please do not be hateful towards your SIL (quoting "this was and is his decision" seemed to me a lil hateful). Being a one income household can be very stressful on a husband so I wouldn't blame him for jumping at the opportunity to relief some of that stress with a better job, while yes rude not to discuss it with his wife first.

Look into some hobbies, get out and about and socialize! Your GD is not dying/dead, it is not end of the world, it is only 4 hours! (I know that may come off as insensitive,  but truly the dying part really rubbed me the wrong way..as it would for anyone who truly has lost a grandkid/child...) how you perceive it isn't how it is.

Look into Skype/Facetime. You can still have those morning 'hi's' and you can still 'do' breakfast with her through technology. Granted this all has to be okayed by your DD, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

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4 hours ago, Brokenheartedmims said:

I just found this forum and I can't believe how many other grandparents are having the same heart break and shear agony that I have. Well here is my situation. My daughter, SIL, and granddaughter have lived with me since the day she came home from the hospital.  I was there for every prental appt. I witnessed this precious miracle come into this world. That was almost 18 months ago. She is my everything. I have never been this "in love" in my life. She mended a badly broken heart. I'm with her every day. All her firsts have happened in my home. She greets me every morning with a knock on my door, a huge smile, a "hi", climbs into my bed with lots of cuddles and "loves". She makes my heart soar. And her laughter is infectious. We have breakfast together 4 days a week. We even have a special mims and monkey day where the two of us go out together and just spend alone time.  She is one of my reasons to wake up each day. But I just found out this past Thurs that they are moving next Wed. It was originally planned for them to move out at the end of the summer and within 15 mins of me. Now they are moving in 4 days and will be 4 hours away. This has beyond crushed me. I can't stop crying. I haven't slept in two days. I'm walking around like a zombie. I can't eat and don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I known this sounds odd but I feel like my GD is dying and not just moving away. I don't know how to handle this. I can't even walk into her room. I can't look at pictures, toys, clothes or anything. I especially can't look at my SIL. This was and is his decision and he has additional family there. He didn't even discuss it it with his wife before accepting this new job. My daughter's whole life is here. Her family and best friends are here. She has never lived in any other state. She is a stay at home mom but she will not know anyone there or know where anything is. She is very upset about this but she said she loves him and prays this is a better oppurtunity for their family so she will go. I want nothing but happiness for them but I can't get a grip on this gut wrenching feeling. Also, I'm disabled and can't afford road trips so I'm grieving and angry beyond words. I'm lost...

Oh Mims, my heart is aching for you! To go from DD and family's living w/ you from birth to their living 4 hours away is a dramatic change! It must have been quite a shock to hear this and I can see that you are devastated! (((Hugs)))

Granted, as PLS21 says, "GD is not dying/dead" (TG). But I understand if you're grieving. I'm no therapist, but I imagine what you're feeling is the loss of a relationship and way of life. That can be very painful, I understand. And it will probably take time to get past, but if it's any help at all, I assure you, you will.

Hopefully, in time it will help to look at the positive, as PLS suggests. No doubt, it is good that SIL wants to "step up" more and be able to support his family better, especially since they only have the one income. While I share your concern that he didn't discuss this move w/ DD and that she is upset about it, please realize that this is between them and try not to let it mingle w/ your own sadness.

I also get your concern about DD's moving to a place where she doesn't know anyone or know where things are. But no doubt, she'll make friends w/ other moms soon enough and learn to find her way around. Besides, once again, this is not really your issue (I know, I know - we moms never stop worrying about our "kids," do we, even when they are adults?!) but hers. Please have enough confidence in her to believe she can handle it.

Also, if you keep reading in this conversation thread and this forum, you'll see not only that there are others in your situation, as you said, but that many have found ways to handle it via the Skype and FaceTime options that PLS mentioned. You may not have the same "mims and monkey" time that you have now, but you will very likely be able to create a new one, as well as "spend time" w/ DD and w/ all of them as a family, if you all so desire. Of course, you'll have to discuss these possibilities w/ DD and it may take time to set them up, etc. But the point is that w/ today's technology, there are many more ways than ever to connect w/ faraway relatives.

Meanwhile, I'm very glad you found this forum and I hope, over time, it will help. Welcome! :give_rose:

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P.S. Kudos to you @Brokenheartedmims for letting DD and family live w/ you when they needed to. And kudos to them for letting you develop your own beautiful relationship w/ GD (doesn't always happen, even when people are sharing a home)! I have a feeling that DD will be as interested as you are in finding ways to keep up that relationship, as well as her own relationship w/ you. Hopefully, that thought will bring you some comfort.

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I hope I found the right place.  Our ONLY child, daughter is moving from Chicago to Dallas soon.  I cry every day. Some day's I even puke crying so much.  I am going to miss our only GS(age 7) so very much.  Hubby and I do not travel.  We are home bodies.  So travel to Dallas is out of the question for us.  When our D told us, I just let go.  I cried, told her she cant move.  I am very empty inside.  I have been a walking zombie since she announced it...  I begged and begged...I got a little angry that she's leaving us..  I did not give her the RED carpet treatment(sortaspeak) when she told us.  I think that's what she wanted from me.  SO hence we are not on good speaking terms.  We chat but all small talk.  Our SIL has 2 brothers to help with his mom in her time of need.... We have NO ONE... Hubby and I feel sorta abandoned.  We have no other children.  We have no other family around to help US out in our time of need as we age. We are alone now.  I found this website to get some other imput on how others are handling their kids/grandkids moving far away.  It has helped some.  I just wish our D would understand how we feel.  I could go deeper and tell more about stuff , but that might take a another page.  I hope to get some feedback.

Edited by dalmatianmama

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1 hour ago, dalmatianmama said:

I hope I found the right place.  Our ONLY child, daughter is moving from Chicago to Dallas soon.  I cry every day. Some day's I even puke crying so much.  I am going to miss our only GS(age 7) so very much.  Hubby and I do not travel.  We are home bodies.  So travel to Dallas is out of the question for us.  When our D told us, I just let go.  I cried, told her she cant move.  I am very empty inside.  I have been a walking zombie since she announced it...  I begged and begged...I got a little angry that she's leaving us..  I did not give her the RED carpet treatment(sortaspeak) when she told us.  I think that's what she wanted from me.  SO hence we are not on good speaking terms.  We chat but all small talk.  Our SIL has 2 brothers to help with his mom in her time of need.... We have NO ONE... Hubby and I feel sorta abandoned.  We have no other children.  We have no other family around to help US out in our time of need as we age. We are alone now.  I found this website to get some other imput on how others are handling their kids/grandkids moving far away.  It has helped some.  I just wish our D would understand how we feel.  I could go deeper and tell more about stuff , but that might take a another page.  I hope to get some feedback.

Welcome, dalmationmama! You have definitely found the right place! As you can see in this and other conversations here, there are many GPs in your situation. I totally get how painful this change must be for you. (((Hugs))) It must feel like "the end of an era."

hope some of the solutions others here have worked out w/ the younger parents, such as skyping and FaceTime, will pan our for you and yours, as well. But I know it will still take a while for you and DH (dear husband) to adjust. More (((hugs!)))

Also, I understand how you reacted when DD (dear daughter) first told you though I'm sorry you did. It's unfortunate that the 2 of you "are not on good speaking terms," as a result. But I think it's good that you are, at least, still talking, even if it's a bit strained. Hopefully, in time, you're relationship will thaw out enough that you can talk about some of the above ideas and other good ways of staying in touch.

And I get your worry about who will help you and DH out as you age. Clearly, trying to convince DD and SIL not to move won't work/solve that problem...sigh... I'm afraid you and DH will have to start looking into services you can hire, including health aides, etc. - whatever you think you might need - so you'll know who to contact when the time comes.

There's nothing I can say, I know, to help you fill that emptiness inside. Again, eventually, I'm sure you'll find other interests to help move your mind in other directions. But I know you're not ready for that now. I'm just glad you reached out to us and I hope you continue to do so. My heart is w/ you...

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First, damatianmama, welcome to the forums....we're pleased you chose us to share your situation. You will find much support, comfort and even challenge here.

I'm sorry your DD's family has chosen to relocate. I know that must be very painful and disappointing to you. However, she is an adult with a family of her own. It sounds like decision was made for what's in the best interest of HER family. It doesn't sound like she's doing this to hurt you. I do have question...what did you mean by "red carpet treatment"

Is there a particular reason you & your DH don't travel other than being "homebodies". Chicago to Dallas isn't that far (about 14 hours by car or a 2 hour plane ride). I just wouldn't do it in a the dead heat of a Texas summer! In the mean time, keep in touch with GS by phone, skype & snail mail....kids love to get mail.

Your DD may care very much how you feel, but your feelings aren't central to their decisions about their family. Knowing you feel "abandoned" and are "crying uncontrollably" are making this harder for her. And we, as parents of adults, really can't forbid them from doing anything, can we? My DS (youngest of 3, only boy) is a Navy Chief....I supported him making a career of the military (totally his choice) and have gone months without seeing his face or hearing his voice (submarine corps...no voice contact), but I got emails, that was our only contact....we managed. He's lived on both coasts and traveled around the world....its not about me...his life, his choice.

There are plenty of services for adults in the Chicago area. I don't expect any of my kids to be my caretaker. We talk frequently, they check up on me, offer to help with whatever I need, but I feel they need to put their families first.

I hope this helps you put a more positive spin on things....Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

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4 hours ago, dalmatianmama said:

I hope I found the right place.  Our ONLY child, daughter is moving from Chicago to Dallas soon.  I cry every day. Some day's I even puke crying so much.  I am going to miss our only GS(age 7) so very much.  Hubby and I do not travel.  We are home bodies.  So travel to Dallas is out of the question for us.  When our D told us, I just let go.  I cried, told her she cant move.  I am very empty inside.  I have been a walking zombie since she announced it...  I begged and begged...I got a little angry that she's leaving us..  I did not give her the RED carpet treatment(sortaspeak) when she told us.  I think that's what she wanted from me.  SO hence we are not on good speaking terms.  We chat but all small talk.  Our SIL has 2 brothers to help with his mom in her time of need.... We have NO ONE... Hubby and I feel sorta abandoned.  We have no other children.  We have no other family around to help US out in our time of need as we age. We are alone now.  I found this website to get some other imput on how others are handling their kids/grandkids moving far away.  It has helped some.  I just wish our D would understand how we feel.  I could go deeper and tell more about stuff , but that might take a another page.  I hope to get some feedback.

Ok. I'm going to challenge you a bit.

You're homebodies, and that's totally fine...but to expect your dd to make her decisions based on your preferences is really unfair of you. She, and her husband, need to do what is best for them.

Begging her to change her mind, getting angry...that was really unfair and inappropriate for you to have done.

You have choices. You *can* choose to travel, just as you've *chosen* to be homebodies.

Your DD and her family are making a big change. Having you guilt, get angry, etc is putting your feelings as more important than theirs. 

You wish she could understand how you feel. She does, b/c you've made it very clear to her.

I suspect she wishes you'd consider *her* feelings in all of this.

I'm NOT saying you're wrong to be upset, and feeling a loss.

I'm saying that expecting her to put that as the primary focus of her decision making isn't reasonable.

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10 hours ago, dalmatianmama said:

Our SIL has 2 brothers to help with his mom in her time of need.... We have NO ONE... Hubby and I feel sorta abandoned.  We have no other children.  We have no other family around to help US out in our time of need as we age. We are alone now.

I suspect you'll get over these feelings. Clearly you didn't raise your child just to care for you in your old age? You don't have to be alone. Look into all the elderly services available, tour some assisted living centers. Talk to your friends, for ideas - find out what their plans include.

You can do this, don't drive your child away being negative or unkind.

Edited by JanelleK
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@dalmatianmama - Just wondering... did DD give a reason as to why they're moving?

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A month or so ago my daughter tells  me that they - she, SNL and 2 grandkids are moving 10 hours way.  Two days  later she tells me they are not moving.  Two weeks later they moving.   I have  cried everyday.  If I ask any questions or make any comments I am accused of being negative.  They have made all sorts of promises...we  will fly you for visits  every 8 weeks, we will fly the grandkids to visit you....we won't buy a house but will rent so we can come back in 2 years.....but  little by little the talk tells not to count on any of these promises.  I cry all the time.  I don't want to see pictures as they are sad.  I don't want to say goodbye because it will be so painful.  Right now I sometimes feel as though I had rather not see my grandchildren while they are still here - it would be easier to become detached from these two precious babies whom I have seen and kept every day since their  birth.   I was divorced several years ago but feel as though I am going  through that pain all over.    I hate waking up in the mornings knowing the reality of what is to come.   When I am with the grandkids I can't let them see my tears - it is hard.   All this is for his job.....hoping that one day it will lead to a big promotion.   When does family matter over money?  They both have great careers here, all the money they need and friends and  family.  I have been their on call  babysitter for 7 years......now it seems as if  that is not a consideration.   I am angry, very sad and cannot face this reality that is about to occur.

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3 hours ago, JCO said:

A month or so ago my daughter tells  me that they - she, SNL and 2 grandkids are moving 10 hours way.  Two days  later she tells me they are not moving.  Two weeks later they moving.   I have  cried everyday.  If I ask any questions or make any comments I am accused of being negative.  They have made all sorts of promises...we  will fly you for visits  every 8 weeks, we will fly the grandkids to visit you....we won't buy a house but will rent so we can come back in 2 years.....but  little by little the talk tells not to count on any of these promises.  I cry all the time.  I don't want to see pictures as they are sad.  I don't want to say goodbye because it will be so painful.  Right now I sometimes feel as though I had rather not see my grandchildren while they are still here - it would be easier to become detached from these two precious babies whom I have seen and kept every day since their  birth.   I was divorced several years ago but feel as though I am going  through that pain all over.    I hate waking up in the mornings knowing the reality of what is to come.   When I am with the grandkids I can't let them see my tears - it is hard.   All this is for his job.....hoping that one day it will lead to a big promotion.   When does family matter over money?  They both have great careers here, all the money they need and friends and  family.  I have been their on call  babysitter for 7 years......now it seems as if  that is not a consideration.   I am angry, very sad and cannot face this reality that is about to occur.

My heart is breaking for you, JCO. To go from being "on call babysitter" to living "10 hours away" - what a dramatic change! Nor did it help to have them keep changing their minds! (((Hugs)))

I can see you're not ready to talk about skyping and FaceTime, etc. For now, I'm glad you came to pour your heart out to us. Welcome! Please continue unloading here and avoid discussing this situation w/ DD and SNL, for a while, as it seems to have become a sensitive subject.

Meanwhile, I've sent you a PM (personal/private message). To find it, just click on the Messenger button w/ the envelope on it in the upper right corner of this page

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My son, wife and our 2 grandchildren moved to Turkey 2 weeks ago, like you we had loads of contact prior to this, and the GC stayed over every fortnight. We had 4 months fr them dropping this bomb on us, we have had a very hard time with our DIL from the very start, one time we go on holiday together, then it changes to be very cool, from her. Well it came to a head again! A week before they went, she was so rude to me, I had a text apologising, then another, saying all sorts about the family and she was glad to be going to get some peace! And would not be coming to say goodbye and she didbt , we saw our son and grandchildren the night before they left, it is a terrible time, but in some ways the lead up was so much worse, but the last hug was so painful, I speak to S and GC on Skype, but not heard from her, you will get through this, as what choice have we got, my problem is, because of this with my DIL, we don't know when we will see them again. There is no way I could stay with her. This is a bereavement, time will help, but when you love deeply you hurt deeply, take care of yourself and allow yourself time x

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On 4/27/2016 at 7:38 AM, Baptistbev said:

My son, wife and our 2 grandchildren moved to Turkey 2 weeks ago, like you we had loads of contact prior to this, and the GC stayed over every fortnight. We had 4 months fr them dropping this bomb on us, we have had a very hard time with our DIL from the very start, one time we go on holiday together, then it changes to be very cool, from her. Well it came to a head again! A week before they went, she was so rude to me, I had a text apologising, then another, saying all sorts about the family and she was glad to be going to get some peace! And would not be coming to say goodbye and she didbt , we saw our son and grandchildren the night before they left, it is a terrible time, but in some ways the lead up was so much worse, but the last hug was so painful, I speak to S and GC on Skype, but not heard from her, you will get through this, as what choice have we got, my problem is, because of this with my DIL, we don't know when we will see them again. There is no way I could stay with her. This is a bereavement, time will help, but when you love deeply you hurt deeply, take care of yourself and allow yourself time x

It seems you and DH are adjusting, Bev, though I can see it's still going to take more time. How kind of you to draw on your own experience to help someone else!

I'm sorry that your relationship w/ DIL has been so checkered. Given that fact, however, I'm not surprised that you haven't heard from her now that they've moved. She is probably leaving all the contact to S and the GC. Chances are, any invitations to visit them will come through S, too, though, of course, he'll have to discuss it w/ her. Same w/ any plans to come back and visit you.  At least, perhaps, until she has had some time and "space" to cool down.

...when you love deeply you hurt deeply...

Sad, but, no doubt, often true. The upside of that, IMO, is that it shows that you have relationships that mean something to you (and hopefully the other people).

Wishing you and yours the best and hoping you continue to talk w/ us!

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I am glad I found this site. I found out last week that my DD, SIL and my precious 8 month old grand daughter are moving across country from me. I have babysat her since birth when needed and my heart is breaking. I see her everyday and have since she was born. Everyone tells me I am being selfish and I am trying to come to grips with it but I cry when ever I think about it. I understand the GPs on here who say they have a hard time being around the kids once they learn they are moving, I WANT to be with my DD and her family but it hurts my heart knowing my time is limited.  I have a close bond with my GD now but I am afraid she will forget me once she goes awhile without seeing me. I am grateful for skype but am going to miss the cuddles and kisses. I have a 5 year old GS and a 1 month old GS both who live in the same town as me and I see them almost daily so I am very involved in my grand babies life. This is destroying me. I was glad to hear about the grandparents saying its like bereavement. I hate that they are going thru this but It is nice to hear I am not alone in this. I feel broken. It is a 24 hour round trip drive to their new home and with the economy the way it is and jobs and life we won't be able to visit as often as I would like. I am terrified she will forget who I am. I am getting a recordable book that my husband, grandson and I can record our voices so she can play the book on days we don't speak.  I just needed to ramble a bit, thank you for listening! 

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2 hours ago, wyomomof4 said:

I am glad I found this site. I found out last week that my DD, SIL and my precious 8 month old grand daughter are moving across country from me. I have babysat her since birth when needed and my heart is breaking. I see her everyday and have since she was born. Everyone tells me I am being selfish and I am trying to come to grips with it but I cry when ever I think about it. I understand the GPs on here who say they have a hard time being around the kids once they learn they are moving, I WANT to be with my DD and her family but it hurts my heart knowing my time is limited.  I have a close bond with my GD now but I am afraid she will forget me once she goes awhile without seeing me. I am grateful for skype but am going to miss the cuddles and kisses. I have a 5 year old GS and a 1 month old GS both who live in the same town as me and I see them almost daily so I am very involved in my grand babies life. This is destroying me. I was glad to hear about the grandparents saying its like bereavement. I hate that they are going thru this but It is nice to hear I am not alone in this. I feel broken. It is a 24 hour round trip drive to their new home and with the economy the way it is and jobs and life we won't be able to visit as often as I would like. I am terrified she will forget who I am. I am getting a recordable book that my husband, grandson and I can record our voices so she can play the book on days we don't speak.  I just needed to ramble a bit, thank you for listening! 

 I'm glad you found this site, too, wyomomof4! ! And that you came in to pour your heart out to us. This is the place to do it, no doubt, rather than, say, to DD and SIL. We are very willing to listen.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting! As you can see, it's not unusual for GPs to feel this way, especially if they have a close relationship w/ the GC and/or see them often. The change is frequently dramatic, as in your case, and can cause a sense of loss. (((Hugs)))

As such, I don't think you're being "selfish." But I think it might help if you could focus a little more on why DD and family are moving/why this move is good for them. Better job(s)? Better house? Whatever their reason for relocating, I'm sure they would appreciate it, too, if you could find it in your heart to be at least somewhat happy for them. That may be hard for you, right now, though, I understand.

Kudos to you for already thinking about Skype and a recordable book. In these ways, GD won't forget you and, in fact, most likely, be very interested in seeing you and DH whenever you come to visit. Same w/ her cousins. While you "won't be able to visit as often as (you) would like," the visits you do have, I imagine, will be very special and beautiful. I know that doesn't help too much now, but, in time, no doubt, you'll adjust.

Meanwhile, congratulations on your growing family! And TG, you have more family, including 2 GSs still in your same neighborhood! Understandably, that doesn't negate the pain of DD's family's leaving. But, hopefully, that will make it a little easier.

Anyhow, I hope you continue to reach out to us. Welcome!

Edited by RoseRed135
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On 5/8/2016 at 10:06 PM, wyomomof4 said:

I am glad I found this site. I found out last week that my DD, SIL and my precious 8 month old grand daughter are moving across country from me. I have babysat her since birth when needed and my heart is breaking. I see her everyday and have since she was born. Everyone tells me I am being selfish and I am trying to come to grips with it but I cry when ever I think about it. I understand the GPs on here who say they have a hard time being around the kids once they learn they are moving, I WANT to be with my DD and her family but it hurts my heart knowing my time is limited.  I have a close bond with my GD now but I am afraid she will forget me once she goes awhile without seeing me. I am grateful for skype but am going to miss the cuddles and kisses. I have a 5 year old GS and a 1 month old GS both who live in the same town as me and I see them almost daily so I am very involved in my grand babies life. This is destroying me. I was glad to hear about the grandparents saying its like bereavement. I hate that they are going thru this but It is nice to hear I am not alone in this. I feel broken. It is a 24 hour round trip drive to their new home and with the economy the way it is and jobs and life we won't be able to visit as often as I would like. I am terrified she will forget who I am. I am getting a recordable book that my husband, grandson and I can record our voices so she can play the book on days we don't speak.  I just needed to ramble a bit, thank you for listening! 

BEFORE you get the recordable book, check with your DD and SIL to ensure that it will be welcome. (Some people find toys and books that make noise to be very annoying after a time.)

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I have no words that can fully describe how heartbroken I am. I know the sun will keep on shining and I might even smile again but on June 13th my son and his family are moving to California. I have been blessed to raise a wonderful son, who married a wonderful girl, that loves me as I love her. I was there when each of their 4 babies came into this earth and I have more memories with them then most people get. But I grieve just the same. Losing his dad 6 years ago introduced me to grief in the worst way and that pain still finds its way to my broken heart and takes the life out of me for days at a time. I just want to be able to send them off without them seeing my pain. I want them to know I support them always in what they want to do but I feel they will see it in my face. I don't want my grandbabies to see me stricken with grief as they drive away. I want to be brave and strong for them. Does anybody know how I can do this??

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4 minutes ago, Lelaof15 said:

I have no words that can fully describe how heartbroken I am. I know the sun will keep on shining and I might even smile again but on June 13th my son and his family are moving to California. I have been blessed to raise a wonderful son, who married a wonderful girl, that loves me as I love her. I was there when each of their 4 babies came into this earth and I have more memories with them then most people get. But I grieve just the same. Losing his dad 6 years ago introduced me to grief in the worst way and that pain still finds its way to my broken heart and takes the life out of me for days at a time. I just want to be able to send them off without them seeing my pain. I want them to know I support them always in what they want to do but I feel they will see it in my face. I don't want my grandbabies to see me stricken with grief as they drive away. I want to be brave and strong for them. Does anybody know how I can do this??

Plan to focus on them....get a book on the new area from the library so they can learn the new town (and so can you!). Maybe try cooking the new "local cuisine" for them. Regional California food is different and really good. Google their new school....whatever you need to do in familiarize yourself and them with their new surroundings. Talk to your son & DIL. Its ok to let them know that you are sad for you and excited for their new adventure. Put a positive spin on your dealings with the GK while reminding them how special they are to you. 

2 of my GK were born 800 miles away. I went to both births. The family came to me as often as they could (military). That didn't stop me from forming strong bonds with both kids. As a toddler GS would see me and fly into my arms....I only saw him 3-4 times a year. Your Gk won't forget you.

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As well, @Lelaof15, welcom to the forums....and for sharing your troubles. There are several forums that my interest you, so please look around, jump in where you feel comfortable. On a side note, we discourage posting in any thread that is more than 3 months old. 

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4 hours ago, Lelaof15 said:

I have no words that can fully describe how heartbroken I am. I know the sun will keep on shining and I might even smile again but on June 13th my son and his family are moving to California. I have been blessed to raise a wonderful son, who married a wonderful girl, that loves me as I love her. I was there when each of their 4 babies came into this earth and I have more memories with them then most people get. But I grieve just the same. Losing his dad 6 years ago introduced me to grief in the worst way and that pain still finds its way to my broken heart and takes the life out of me for days at a time. I just want to be able to send them off without them seeing my pain. I want them to know I support them always in what they want to do but I feel they will see it in my face. I don't want my grandbabies to see me stricken with grief as they drive away. I want to be brave and strong for them. Does anybody know how I can do this??

Another welcome, Lela! And my deepest condolences on the loss of your DH (dear husband).

I'm so sorry also, that your DS (dear son) and family are moving so far away. As you can see from other posts here, it's not unusual for parents/GPs to experience a sense of grief when this happens. You are so not alone.

Kudos to you, though, having such a good relationship w/ DS and DIL (daughter-in-law) and for being sensitive enough to others to not want them or their kids to see your pain. What a kind, unselfish, mom/MIL/GM you must be!

As for how you can hide your grief and be "brave and strong" for them, I think Mame's advice is excellent. (You may not be able to mask your sorrow, entirely. But it's normal for partings to be a little bit sad, IMO, so it's normal and even ok for them to see that in you a little bit).

Given the warm, loving relationship you all seem to have, no doubt DS and DIL will look into ways for you to connect - visits, Skyping, etc. - once they are settled.... Patience...

Meanwhile, I wish you all the strength, courage and wisdom you need to see you through. (((Hugs)))

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