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EmptynestGma

Learned last night kids moving far away

131 posts in this topic

Hi momtomande! And best wishes on your coming move! How exciting for you and your girls!

Sorry about your parent's reaction! IMO, it will be temporary, however. I agree w/ you that they are grieving the "loss" of you and your DDs (dear daughters) and this is their "anger stage."

They vowed that they won't come and visit us

My parents go to Florida pretty much every winter for a few weeks to spend time with friends who are snow birds

No doubt, they will visit you when they are in Florida, whether they stay w/ your or not. I can't imagine they'd be able to resist.

Once they've calm down - and that may take a while - are you open  to such things as Skype and FaceTime? Do the kids enjoy getting snail mail? Nowadays, there are so many ways, old and new to stay in touch.

I'm confident your parents will adjust in time.

ETA: Sorry about your health problem. But glad it's likely to be better in your new location.

Edited by RoseRed135

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8 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

Hi momtomande! And best wishes on your coming move! How exciting for you and your girls!

Sorry about your parent's reaction! IMO, it will be temporary, however. I agree w/ you that they are grieving the "loss" of you and your DDs (dear daughters) and this is their "anger stage."

They vowed that they won't come and visit us

My parents go to Florida pretty much every winter for a few weeks to spend time with friends who are snow birds

No doubt, they will visit you when they are in Florida, whether they stay w/ your or not. I can't imagine they'd be able to resist.

Once they've calm down - and that may take a while - are you open  to such things as Skype and FaceTime? Do the kids enjoy getting snail mail? Nowadays, there are so many ways, old and new to stay in touch.

I'm confident your parents will adjust in time.

ETA: Sorry about your health problem. But glad it's likely to be better in your new location.

We are 100% open to Skype and offered to set all of that up for them. I offered to pay for them to come visit, or to send the girls to stay with them for a few weeks during the summer. I am trying to make the transition as easy as possible. I'm just hoping they come around. I don't want the girls to be the ones who suffer here. 

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Note from RoseRed: Possible triggers...

My best friends pregnant daughter, and Grandson (1 yr old) along with her daughters bf just went to Colorado supposedly for a visit for a week to her Dads who she just met like 6 years ago. She hasn't been involved with him because he spends most of his time in prison. He has been involved with drugs throughout his life, was involved in a kidnapping where the kidnapped man ended up dead but the other guy took the blame for it, breaking parole, etc.... He is a smooth taker. He got them a one way plane ticket, and the daughter said he was buying a 1 way back for them in a week because it was cheaper...not! They left on the 5th with no money. She just learned this morning that they were going to stay...her worse fear. My bff is so hurt, and angry not to mention worried. Her daughter has been defensive and has been talking ugly about her to her Dad, and now he is sending texts calling her selfish etc.... My bff has done everything for them. She has had to feed them a million times or buy them groceries, she has bought almost all the diapers since her Grandson has been born. Bought toys, baby furniture, etc.... She is so brokenhearted. I am a Grandmother too to a 19 month old and I would die under this situation. I am not even sure what to tell her at this point that could possibly comfort her. Her daughter is 20 and so impulsive. Never happy. It is so frustrating.  She should no how her Dad is because her and her Mom went to Colorado a couple times where he was abusive to them both. Mildly but enough to end them both up in a domestic violence shelter.

Edited by RoseRed135
to add trigger notice

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9 hours ago, dixiechicdana said:

Note from RoseRed: Possible triggers...

My best friends pregnant daughter, and Grandson (1 yr old) along with her daughters bf just went to Colorado supposedly for a visit for a week to her Dads who she just met like 6 years ago. She hasn't been involved with him because he spends most of his time in prison. He has been involved with drugs throughout his life, was involved in a kidnapping where the kidnapped man ended up dead but the other guy took the blame for it, breaking parole, etc.... He is a smooth taker. He got them a one way plane ticket, and the daughter said he was buying a 1 way back for them in a week because it was cheaper...not! They left on the 5th with no money. She just learned this morning that they were going to stay...her worse fear. My bff is so hurt, and angry not to mention worried. Her daughter has been defensive and has been talking ugly about her to her Dad, and now he is sending texts calling her selfish etc.... My bff has done everything for them. She has had to feed them a million times or buy them groceries, she has bought almost all the diapers since her Grandson has been born. Bought toys, baby furniture, etc.... She is so brokenhearted. I am a Grandmother too to a 19 month old and I would die under this situation. I am not even sure what to tell her at this point that could possibly comfort her. Her daughter is 20 and so impulsive. Never happy. It is so frustrating.  She should no how her Dad is because her and her Mom went to Colorado a couple times where he was abusive to them both. Mildly but enough to end them both up in a domestic violence shelter.

Whoa! What a complex and painful story!

Such a dramatic change for your BFF to have been so involved w/ her DD (dear daughter) and family, only to have them move so far away on such short notice! And to believe it was only for a week's visit, just to find out that's not the case! Ordinarily I'd say that, as hurtful and shocking as it is for her, she needs to accept whatever decision her adult DD makes. But given the past history of abuse and criminal behavior by the Dad, I can see why that's especially hard for her to do. And why, on top of it all, she's very worried.

I'm not clear on whether Dad (the "smooth talker") was the one who lied here or DD, given, sad to say, her apparently "ugly" feelings towards her mom/your BFF. Then again, is she sure her DD really said these things? Or could these be lies and distortions - a new form of abuse against BFF by her DD's Dad?

Then again, you say DD "has been defensive" - do you mean when talking to your BFF on the phone (or via Skype or whatever)? If so, could it be that she was duped by her father and is now embarrassed by that? Not to mention stuck due to lack of money? Or could there be some issues between her and her mom that you don't know about?

If it's the latter, then I can't help but think that. sad to say, DD was in on the deception or that, for now, she has decided it's a good thing. I can't imagine what would possess someone to move in/near a parent who had ever abused them, no matter what their issues w/ the other parent! Especially w/ a baby in tow. But since you tell us DD is "never happy" and tends to be "impulsive,' then, I'm afraid it's possible.

 Like you, I'm "not... sure what to tell (BFF)... that could possibly comfort her." Pointing out that the "ugly" words may not be DD's might help a little. Beyond that, I think, all you can do is let her know you feel for her. And maybe suggest that she try to be patient... chances are, in time, DD will become dissatisfied w/ her new situation (hopefully not b/c of any abuse) and want to come back.

Meanwhile, I think it's so kind and caring of you to be so concerned about BFF and bring her problems to us. Welcome!

Edited by RoseRed135
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dixiechicdana, I am sorry you have found us while trying to comfort your BFF after her daughter and grandchild have moved so far away.

I moved over 500 miles away from my parents when I was 19, but I wasn't coerced by a absentee father,  I'm sure your friend is worrying herself sick over this and I probably would too.  I bet this daughter is telling herself she is trying to be independent, but unless she gets a job and cares for her son on her own, that probably won't happen.

My best guess is that daughter will be calling soon asking for a one way ticket home when she gets disillusioned with her long distance dad.  I hope your BFF is in a position to send her that ticket, but I'm not sure I'd forward any cash to Colorado.

It is kind of you to support your BFF with this heartbreaking problem.

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Locking this now and opening a new thread on the same topic:

 

 

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