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RoseRed135

Custody V. Adoption

61 posts in this topic

What do you see as the pros of taking custody of one's grand(or other relative)children, if the parents, sadly, aren't "fit" and/or aren't "available?" The cons? The pros and/or cons of adopting them? How about guardianship? (I know we've talked about this b4, but we've had a whole slew of new members join since then and these issues seem to be coming up a lot, lately). Please answer any or all of my questions below. Your reply can be long or short. And please feel free to add any other thoughts you might have on the subject or to offer info that might be helpful to other members...

Edited by rosered135
to use options here on new site

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Hello, my two cents after raising two gs for 10yrs and trying to adopte,,,custody is nice but not finel ,with adoption you give them maybe not your name ,but your financial backing for life ,plus they can have your ssi surviver benifites if you pass till there 18 or 21 if in school ,and if there not getting state assitance ,you can leave them money when you pass ,and the state wont take it,plus you dont have all the hassels down thru the yrs with the parents ,wish we did that ,but the late wife did not want to HURT her girls anymore??now iam stuck with a mess,but thats life ,live and learn

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sorry ,one last thing that needs to be talked about ,and nobody does ,at least in our local gp group,what happenes to your grandkids if you have guardinship and you die ,there screwed they go to the state thats the down side of just guardenship ,you have no say so where they go ,all the hard work to get them where they are goes down the drain ,PLEASE THINK ABOUT THAT ,NOBODY DOES ,BECAUSE NOBODY WANT TO ASK THE ???

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new to the site, raising my gd for the past 2 years, she is 9. daughter living homeless and in need of meds...of course many here may know these issues. i need legal guidance on what to do and how if your funds are limited and my daughter will not give her over without a fight...is there hope?

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Such thought-provoking and poignant replies, lockload and bigbend! My heart goes out to you and your grands, once again, lock, and to you and your GD, big!

 

@bigbend - I know it must hurt you that your DD (dear daughter) has the problems she does. But I'm guessing you're more focused on GD now and how to do your best for her. I take it that you don't have custody or any legal status where she's concerned, but perhaps I'm wrong? Also, I'm wondering what kind of legal guidance you're looking for. Do you want to know whether or not you have a chance at custody? Or whether you're better off going for custody or adoption? Or?? Please let us know, either here or in a thread of your own (to start your own conversation, just click on Write a Post and go from there). Regardless, bless you for being there for that little girl! And I'm so glad you joined our group! Welcome!

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I have been thru alot with my daughter and her kids I almost raise 2 then she comes along while I went thru things with them and gave them to someone else to raise she had that right it could be a complete stranger or another family member if she gets mad at you I have lost eeing 3 of my grandchildren but see the oldest one now course she is married and has her own life but the people she gave them to told them I was no good and I didn't want themwhich was a lie because I'm their grandmother anyway the 5th.child I took and adopted him and he went thru alot buthe is doing better adopting to me is better

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My heart so goes out to you, galaxy, for all that you've been through! Glad that you see the oldest GD, now, though, even if not that often. And so glad you have your youngest GS with you! Based on your other post, you seem to be good for *each other!*

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I am going to see a lawyer regarding adopting my 2 gc who have lived with me 4 years. I am a widow with stage 4 cancer. I want to make sure that when I am gone the girls will be raised by someone I choose. My biggest fear is what will come of them when I am gone. My daughter (mom) is in prison, their fathers recently out of prison are violent career criminals with major drug problems. I know I will have a battle on my hands because parents will not go along with adoption but I am going to try-I feel I have to for the girls sake.

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I'm routing for you, horsepad, in more ways than one! @ All - An interesting point that both horsepad and lockload raise is about what happens to these kids after the GP/relative raising them, sadly, passes on. I used to think of the custody v. adoption issue as being one of hoe much authority the GPs/relatives think they should have over the kids, as compared to their parents and/or whether or not the parents should retain any rights, at all. But now I've come to realize that there's another aspect to it. Does anyone else have anything to say about that?

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well, I must weigh in on this one as I just found some interesting info since we have 2 that soon to be out of the court system now--We have legal custody and fortunately it has been great for the gc. They have our same last name which did seem to help them as they were in school... We were given all legal rights and as the gc got older and started college we found that they were able to apply for scholarships and aid using our income instead of bio parents income --not always good as we made more than the bio's so that knocked the gc out of a lot of aid for college but we did find out that once it becomes time for social security(if there is still any left by then) the gc can draw off of us as they have lived with us legally over 10 yrs.. that law applies same as having to be married to your spouse 10 yrs b4 you are able to do that..Now as we are getting older-- We just found out that we have to file certain legal papers in case smething happens to us-- we have to have in writing as part of our will-- where the children are to go if they are still minors..and we were told to set up trust giving the gc monthly allowances rather than lump sums in case we are not around-- and NOT name any close relative of the gc to handle their affairs..reason being the bio's did nothing to help as gc were growing up why would anyone think if money left to gc and bio had legal say for the gc that the gc would ever see it...Makes sense ---I hope this is clear to understand but I am not too up on making thngs clear---eight

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@eight - I think that's very valuable info, which I'm sure some of our members could use! Thank you!

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Hi eightkid50 how did the gk get ssi ,my wife passed last yr and THEY said i had to adopte them not just legal guardinship for them to get her ssi or mine and we have had them since march 2002

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lockload-- I really dont know --this is what the soc sec people and attorney told me-- I dont have guardianship I have legal custody w/bio losing all parental rights and was stated in the custody papers by the judge that we have all rights as parents until last child is 18-- that may be the diff I am sorry I really have no idea also keep in mind they are not ready for soc sec yet as dh has not retired so I am just passing info I found out as we started getting things together--eight

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Hi Eight ,checked with local ssa office both parents have to be disabled or dead ,for the gk to collect ssa from you ?or you have adopeted them and dont know it, custody or guardiunship doesnt matter, it has to be adoption

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I recently started looking into all the options for my 2 yr old GD. I have been raising her for about a year. From what I understand, I can seek legal custody, legal guardianship, or adoption. I don't think we're ready to think about adoption yet, as I guess I'm holding out some hope that my DD will get herself together one day and be in a position to raise my GD. I don't really understand the differences in custody and guardianship. I know I need to do something soon. I am afraid of making my daughter mad, and I do things I don't want to do (like giving my DD money or letting her wash her clothes at my house), because I'm afraid she'll come take her away and there's nothing I can do to stop her. I also want to be able to provide medical insurance and make decisions on my GD behalf. She needs to see a pulmonologist, but they won't let me bring her without a legal document saying I'm her guardian. Also, she needs minor surgery (trigger thumb), and they say her mother has to be there. I have talked to several attorneys. My DD is willing to sign custody over, so I don't understand why they want to charge anywhere from $1000 to $5000. I wish there was a way to file the paperwork myself, but I haven't found one. If I get DSS involved and prove my DD unfit, it probably wouldn't cost me anything. I don't know if I'm ready to do that, but I have to do something soon for my GD sake and for my peace of mind. I have thought about the possibility of something happening to me and what would happen to my GD as well. Scary thought, and that probably needs to be addressed with the custody issue. I'll be 42 this year, but you never know what might happen. We are not promised tomorrow.

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Thought I'd bring this up to the front to see if anyone else had any ideas or info on the subject....

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I am new to this website, but have some experience with this.

We have had our grandchildren since February 2009. We were lucky that both parents (my daughter and her boyfriend) gave us legal custody. Neither of them were in a place where they could care for them. Under legal custody, the boys were eligible for Medicaid, but this did not cover specialized care - dental or alergists. etc. We were able to get 250.00 from the state for the boys in liu of the parents paying child support, of which we new we would never see. Not a lot, but better than nothing. Since they lived with us as their primary residence, we were able to declare them as a dependent for our taxes.

In 2011, Dad was sentenced to prison for drugs and my daughter was living out of state - she had run out of options locally. We ask to adopt the children and both of them agreed - neither had a leg to stand on.

So in April of 2011, they became ours. Now here is what I want to share as a benefit of adoption -

1) They are now under our insurance and have full benefits

2) I am 62 and was contemplating retirement. I did some research and found that each of the boys are entitled to $800.00 a month until they are 17 years old (19 if they are in school) ONCE I FILE FOR RETIREMENT. This is not a death benefit (survivor benefit). They are entitled as I am retiring and have young children through adoption.

Our tax accountant and financial advisor did not know this - I saw it on the internet when I was researching retirement. I physically went to the SS office and they confirmed. This gives the boys a college fund we would never be able to provide for them. Our 7 year old will have close to $100K when he turns 17. Our 5 year old even more than that.

This is a HUGE benefit to adoption if this is something you are considering. What a way to benefit your child late in your life and ensure they have what their parents could not give them.

Hope this helps spomeone out there.

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I was wondering since you asked the SS office about it, if the retirement is Social Security retirement or a job retirement?

Cobaltblue

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I quit my job in September to stay at home with our 5 year old until he starts kindergarten.

This is due to filing for SS and is a benefit through them.

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Bless you, Nanio, and your DH (dear husband) for being there for those kids! TG, the parents, themselves, realized it was in the children's best interests to be under your jurisdiction. Just from the little you tell us about the parents' lives, I can tell your GC are lucky to have you and DH in their lives!

Also, thank you for the information and the detailed comparison of the benefits of custody v. adoption! I'm sure it will be very helpful to some others. I realize that some of these rules may differ by state though SS is Federal. Your post also shows how valuable it is to do one's own research!

So glad you decided to come in and talk with us! Welcome!

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Naniof,

Thanks for this information. My husband is on SS but we haven't adopted and don't know what the future holds whether we will even have custody or not.

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for anyone here who thinks they do not qualify for legal aid please check -- do a search for legal aid in your city

there are 3 listed for my city and I went to all of them -- you will be surprised at their income level for assistance

also check with the bar association in your city -- lawyers are required to take a certain percentage of cases pro bono (free) and the bar association can help with that there are also legal aid websites that can help with filing paperwork

for me just having the information and knowing I had options made me feel better

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New to site. We have legal guardianship of our 4 year old GD, we took her thru foster care at 3 months old, then got tired of waiting for things to change with parents, and having to get permission to do anything.....haircuts, go away on vaca, etc. so we filed for temp guardianship, parents objected, had hearing and judge gave perm guardianship. Dad in prison for past 2 years, nothing heard from him. Mom had another baby couple months ago and now thinks she is mother of the year and should have her children back and petitioned the court (did i mention she has an 8 year old also that she does not have custody of, all 3 children have different fathers). She has seen our GD 4 times during 2012 and every time it was arranged by us. Needless to say, we did not listen to our attorney 2 years ago to adopt her then, but we have now filed for adoption and are about to go through another ugly battle. GD calls us mommy and daddy, but she knows she has parents. We are all she has ever known. Mom has addiction issues, as well as mental health problems. She has been in and out of jail over the past several years, but thinks that it is all ok. Latest baby daddy was arrested a year ago for trying to abduct 13 year old girl. My husband adopted her after marrying her mother. Marriage lasted a year, long enough for the ink to dry on the papers so she had someone to support her daughter. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. Neither my husband or i were ever allowed to be involved in disciplining her when she started to get out of control as a teenager.

We don't hear from her for months, then all of a sudden she calls and acts like she never left. We know she cannot raise the children, and worry about the new baby all the time. But scared to death what will happen this time around. It is not easy to make the final decision, but need to give her stability and hopefully break the cycle.

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naniofdevinand conner,

I was told today that if someone adopts a child then the parent has up to seven years to change their mind. Is this true? I have thought this might be a possibility for my grandchildren in the future.

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Welcome Tralynsta! Very glad you came to talk to us! And bravo to you and DH for being there for your GD! I know you now feel you should have gone for custody of her back when you filed for guardianship but, IMO, these decisions are very difficult to make. It must have taken a lot of thought just to decide to apply for guardianship, even though, clearly, the court felt it was even more necessary than you did (you filed for "temporary," initially, but the judge ended up giving you "permanent guardianship"). I realize that choosing to take such a step as adopting a GC involves deciding whether or not you (general) think the mom ( and/or dad, in some cases) deserves any more chances, how much responsibility for a child you feel you can take on, etc. I trust you've made the best decision possible, in your specific circumstances, Tralynsta, and I wish you all the best! My thoughts and prayers (if that's ok) will be with you and yours ... Peace...

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