How to deal with 5year old who hits you?
Posted 17 July 2012 - 05:18 PM
Posted 18 July 2012 - 01:37 AM
Posted 18 July 2012 - 07:44 AM
Posted 18 July 2012 - 02:30 PM
Posted 23 July 2012 - 09:17 AM
Posted 23 July 2012 - 03:30 PM
Posted 23 July 2012 - 06:10 PM
Posted 27 July 2012 - 07:02 PM
Posted 04 August 2012 - 02:37 AM
"I read the article and my impression was that we are to meekly submit to what the parents tell us, as grandparents we should/shouldn't do or say." I'm not sure what article you're referring to. But, here, I'm afraid, you've hit a sore spot with me. As a nanny granny, I try to follow my DD's rules and routines for her kids, at all times. (If something isn't working for me, we discuss it and, usually, come to a compromise.) A couple of times, I've had well-meaning (I think) friends ask me why I was being so "submissive" to DD and why I didn't just "do whatever" I "want" when I take care of my grands! But, IMO, I'm *not* being "submissive" in any "meek" or otherwise negative sense. I'm just respecting the fact that DD is the mother, this time around and I need to follow her choices for her kids, just as I would have wanted others to follow those I made for mine. And yes, IMO, that means disciplining them *her* way, as I mentioned earlier.
Fortunately, in my case, my DD and I have very similar ideas about discipline. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be true for you and your DD and SIL (son-in-law). I take it that you favor spanking while they prefer "taking away privileges." Of course, you have a right to your opinion. But when you're watching *their* child, IMO, you need to discipline him the way *they* want. It's not about being "meek" - it's about recognizing that we GPs *don't* get a vote in how our GC are raised. If a GP tries to have that kind of "say," they often find themselves pushed away, as has happened to you (only temporarily, I hope).
If your DD's asking you to accept GS' hitting and insulting you though, IMO, that's a different matter. I'm totally with you if you won't go along with that and let her know it. Also, I understand your wanting to make sure DD is "aware" of the problem. You tell us, though, that you've seen him hitting *her.* So it seems to me that she *is* aware of it. Also, you admit - and thank you for your honesty - that in your recent argument, you did bring up the fact that you saw him doing that and that she "did and said nothing." She may have heard that as, "GS hits me b/c you don't discipline him!" - translation (in *her* mind), "You're a bad parent!" Especially (sigh) coupled with your questioning of her choice of consequences for him. Marianne, I'm sure you *didn't * mean it that way. And, no doubt, you truly intended to focus on the problem and not criticize her. I believe you. But I can see how *she* may have taken it as a "vote of *no* confidence" in her parenting skills. Can you? If you're hoping to have a better parent/grandparent relationship with her, in the future, I think you need to make up your mind not to repeat these mistakes. And you may need to let her know that you don't plan to repeat them if the 2 of you are truly to move forward. Best of luck!
Posted 04 August 2012 - 02:47 AM
Posted 05 August 2012 - 01:42 PM
My actual comment to her was this: "How was I supposed to know there was a problem if you never tell me anything?" That was verbatim, btw, followed by silence on her end of the line. My son-in-law had told me just before that incident, "Sometimes I get so irritated when (she) tells (him) to do something three times and he doesn't, that I just spank him." He confided this to me when my DD was not in the room. He was the one who picked my GS up after he had spent the night, but I didn't mention my GS's behavior to him, primarily because he didn't ask and also because I felt it would be better to discuss that with my daughter.
I really did not "poo-poo" her suggestion of the possibility of ADHD, and in fact I took it quite seriously, mainly because my B.A.(having returned to college in 1990) was in psychology. I said to her, "If it actually IS ADHD, there are various ways of dealing with it." Also, my GS did most of the hitting rather early the morning after spending the night w/us and was definitely not tired at all. Let me ask you, do you really feel it is okay for a five-yr. old to hit someone because "they are tired?" I do not feel that should ever be considered "appropriate" behavior!
I feel this will all work out in time, after the wounds are healed. I tend to be an outspoken person, but it seems that in the future I must be very careful with what I say. IMO, however, it seems that my DD should also understand that dealing with this type of behavior is not easy for someone my age(69) who deals with chronic pain. Also, in my defense, did I mention that I almost never get a call from my DD unless it is to be asked to babysit? Last Christmas I gave my son and daughter a four-night stay at a nice resort, not to mention several other gifts in addition to the GC's gifts. I often feel that the only consideration (or time) I get is whenever they need something, so believe me when I say it is not all my fault. All our situations are different, aren't they?
As for me, I've been told recently that, along with having torn ligaments in both feet and constant pain, I also have kidney disease. I don't intend to make this sound as though I'm looking for sympathy, but if you sincerely wish to help, then these are factors that I feel should also be noted. I have never indicated to my son or daughter that I don't want the GC spending the night, but to be honest, it takes a huge toll on me. My husband helps some, but he is my second husband, as their true grandfather is deceased, so most of the care and responsibility is up to me. Thanks again for your honesty, and I believe your intentions are to be helpful. (I'm not familiar as yet w/the abbreviations, so pls. bear with me.)
Posted 06 August 2012 - 02:25 AM
No, I don't think it's ok for a 5-yr-old t hit just b/c he's tired. I just offered that as a possible reason for why it might happen sometimes. But since you say this occurred in the morning, then I guess that suggestion doesn't fit here.
Sorry I misunderstood about your response to DD's mention of ADHD. But whether he has it or not, I'm getting the impression that she and your SIL are not quite "on the same page," as they say, about how to handle him. I know there's nothing you can do about that, but I doubt the inconsistency is helping the situation. Hopefully, they'll work it out soon. And hopefully, they'll get him tested for ADHD, and, whether he has it or not, maybe get some counseling on how to work together to parent him more effectively. But again, I understand that you can't make those things happen, whether you agree with me or not.
I am so sorry about all the pain you are dealing with! And yes, I agree, DD *should* realize that it's especially difficult for you to deal with GS' behavior, under the circumstances. In fact, right now, perhaps you need to rethink whether or not you'll babysit him in the future? Unless you fear that's the only way you'll get to see him, except for Christmas and a few other special occasions. You may have to think over which means more to you - the time with GS or your own peace and comfort... Food for thought...
I'm also sorry that DD doesn't seem to call you much, except when she needs a babysitter. That must hurt, I know. Chances are, it's just thoughtlessness, on her part - that she's just a busy mom and doesn't stop to think how this tendency is coming across. Or, I hate to say it, but your very health problems may be driving her away - it may be very hard for her to face. You may see that as a selfish attitude but it's not unheard-of (one of my brothers was like that). Or perhaps there are some longstanding issues between you that have never been resolved? Since she tends to be so close-mouthed about how she feels, I realize you may not even know.
Regardless, please take care of yourself, as best you can and let DD and SIL figure out what to do about GS. You have enough to deal with. You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers (if that's ok)... Meanwhile once again, I hope the cards are a success!
Posted 06 August 2012 - 07:17 PM
Posted 16 September 2012 - 01:39 PM
Posted 03 November 2012 - 02:06 AM
Be sure that you have rules posted.
Any other babysitter would do the same thing. I certainly would. In a trice.
Posted 06 November 2012 - 09:03 PM
Your daughter could feel overwhelmed with her life as it is now, since she's so busy with things. Maybe you're a handy person for her to throw her stress onto. It's often those we love that get the brunt of our stress. Maybe that's what happened.
Posted 18 November 2012 - 08:36 AM
I agree w/ the PPs who said that the OP had a right to speak up for herself and even that she has a right to call the parents and tell them to come and get GS if he begins to hit or insult her. But I think part of the problem is that her relating what happened got beyond that into a questioning of DD's discipline methods, etc. This is not uncommon, I realize, and I'm not saying they're "bad" or "unreasonable" people for letting it happen. Still, I know if ever I have particular trouble with one of my DGC (which is rare, TG), if I tell their mom/my DD, she'll let them know that's not ok and, sometimes, give them a consequence for it, herself. But if I were to tie my complaint to a questioning of her discipline - or if she misconstrued and thought I was calling her a "bad parent" - I'm sure it would end up in an argument between us, instead of her focusing on the child's behavior. Obviously, IDK the OP and her DD. But how different would the situation have been if the OP had merely said, "GS hit me today" and DD had said, "I'll deal with it" or even "I'll deal with it at home" and the discussion ended right there?
Posted 19 November 2012 - 12:27 AM
If you need support or "backup" by the parents you ask for it....I don't have a problem saying anything when things like that happen with my grandchilden, it has to do with respect to all parents and grandparents, and need to be taught it by the direct adults in their life, consistently....that is MO.
Posted 19 November 2012 - 07:11 PM
When my grandchildren have done something to me that is not right or appropriate, I do tell the parents, I tell them together, not just one but both, that way they are hearing it together and can decide together what should or should not be done. I also correct the child as soon as they do it and I let the parents know that I did so.
I remind them that while they may think it is cute and funny, the one receiving does not. Before it gets out of hand and they get into a situation that is embarassing to all it is better to stop it now.
I must also say that doing it this way works for our family. The best phrase I hear is "you are not being respectful to grandma, now apologize". It works every time.
Posted 20 November 2012 - 06:39 AM
I'm afraid that my son and dil don't do
The 5 year old is often a sulky, sullen little boy - always has been, tho he does have some wonderful moments. They are night and day and we all have to work at not having a favorite, even the parents.
The one thing that they will know is that their Grandpa and Nana both love them dearly, that we never played favorites and that we had 'expectations' of them that their parents don't seem to. They act so horribly, especially the older one at restaurants (with the little one mimicking his big brother, always, now) it's just hard to be sitting at the same table. My son tells me that they NEVER go out to eat unless it's with us - all because they have no rules and act as if they are blind. Food gets thrown, the oldest crawls under the table and comes up on the other side - maybe into your face. It's rediculous. The might crawl over the back of the booth to the next one if it's empty. No one says a word. The 5 year old still mostly eats with his fingers. Every once in a while one of us - especially Grandpa comes out with a "Gabe!" that is totally involuntary - it just escapes unbidden! (then he gets an elbow in the rib by Nana!) The parents don't bat an eye or say a word - and, when they are with us, we keep quiet.
When they come (usually, each one night and day a week, each), mostly separately because of the jealousy factor of the older brother which is very sad, we ALWAYS take them out to eat to a family type of restaurant (NOT fast-food but child tolerant), so if the worst happens, it won't be too bad, but they are totally different children at a restaurant us. We are polite, we are firm, we don't raise our voices, we have never spanked either of these precious (sometimes devilish) boys, but even the 2 year old has had just a few time outs (a minute for every year of age). One question, quietly and calmly spoken: "Do you need a time out?" and each almost always straightens up immediately. The oldest is the hardest nut to crack as he can pull out his sullen stare in a heartbeat. But I try to have small toys - cars, mostly, for them to play with and we have expectations that they be big boys. It works like a charm.
They just need some direction, some discipline, much love, and an occasional serious look, making sure they DON'T outstare US. We also don't let them fill up on bread or crackers or whatever, before the food arrives as the parents do. A little taste that we give them if it is served and they are still hungry when the food arrives and eat, rather than act out because they are bored. Their parents fill them up on rolls et al, to try to keep them happy and busy. When the food arrives, they're full and fiesty - combined with no manners - disaster!
What we do is teach them what we can and are blessed that they come regularly to see us. We give them 2 adults they can't bluff or bully. We give them 2 adults they can't ignore. We give them (along with a lot of love), concistancy, discipline, manners that CAN be taught 1 day a week. Fair to us? No. Good for the 2 little boys we love most of all? Yes. They may not use them at home, but they will KNOW them. They love us, they respect us. They want to come. They believe us when we say something.
Although we raised their father with these same rules and methods, it ISN'T fair to us to have to be the ones with the stiff backs this time around, but it is what it is. We help them to grow up to be better people. It isn't a lose, lose, It's a win, win. We know OUR turf, and we know their PARENTS' turf. It is very touchy with our dil and ds, especially, ds! DDIL appreciates what we do but she really doesn't know most of it. Whether or not they use them at home, (only because the parents enforce nothing) they will know and understand and be able to be respectful when a teacher speaks to them or a boss tells them to do something - and they can still grow up to be decent, polite men. That's my goal and as long as we're around (and we're not young), it will work.