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Bradonsmom

Entitlement!?

57 posts in this topic

I am just FLOORED at these posts lately, by the grandmothers. I might get blasted for this, but I just don't understand this sense of entitlement to their grandchildren. This is exactly my issue with my own MIL. Here are some things to think about... 1. Am I seeing my GC? If the answer is yes, then please, be happy. You have NO idea how hard it is to balance a career, my husband's career and raising children, on top of--getting the kids to and from school or daycare, keeping the house clean, doing dishes, making dinner, doing laundry, running errands, going grocery shopping, going regular shopping, kids sports, --the list goes on and on. In our eyes, we are being very polite in going OUT of our way, and disrupting our regular schedules so that the kids can see you, and all we get in return is complaining and guilt trips for not seeing them more. Do you think that that makes us want to go out of our way even more for you?! It makes us want to only see you on hoidays, when we have to see you anyway. 2. No, we do NOT need your approval or advice about how or when we raise our family. We are adults, please treat us as so! We have our OWN families now. And, yes, as much as it may hurt, please realize that you are a RELATIVE now---not a part of our "core family". (I know, ouch, but it's true, non-the-less). We do not need to consult you on what we do for our weekends, or what our future plans are for our family. If we share this with you, please consider yourself priveledged. This is not manditory that we tell you anything, or include you. 3. Respect family time. Again---this means OUR family--your son, the DIL, and their children. Don't be hurt if you are not invited to these things. If you are--again, you are very lucky. Get your own hobby, and find things to do so that you do not depend on us to entertain you and make your life interesting or worth living. That is not our job, nor the job of our children. We should ADD to your life, not BE your life. We have a busy life already, without adding more (see #1) 4.Please remember what it was like to be a new mom. You are very unsure of yourself, and trying to do your very best and learning how to balance everything. When GP are demanding or belittiling, or even if we know you don't like us, we will avoid you b/c we already have enough stress in our lives. We walk on eggshells around you, as much as you do around us. 5. Don't blame your DIL for "mind-washing" your son. Please. He is an adult, and makes his own decisions. If he is agreeing with your DIL, maybe there's some validity to what they are complaining about. 6. HONESTLY, is what you are asking for, best for your GC?? I read on a post here that one GP was upset b/c the DIL wouldn't wake the baby up to see her! I was floored!! No, no no!!! We will ALWAYS put our children first, and if we feel that you aren't too, we will, again, avoid you. (and for good reason!). I guess my point is, be understanding, and if your DIL is pushing you away, there is a reason---so, back off for a while! We all need our space. We will come to you when we are ready---and if that takes us a month, so be it. Any thoughts? Think I'm wrong? I'd love to hear any opinions!

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i am also floored by this sense of entitlement. on more than one of these posts i said to myself "they CANNOT be serious!" but they are. i agree with your points, especially the one about the "mind washing." seriously, who wants to marry somebody who is that much of a pushover? not me. part of the reason i love my DH so much is because he is strong, in every sense of the word... his body is strong, his mind, his emotions, his work ethic, etc. if he wasn't like this, or if i had to tell him what to do, i would HATE it and we would not have gotten married. after seeing this theme for years in IL posts, i have come up with two possible reasons: 1) they raised their sons to be pushovers and made them think that Mom and Dad were #1 no matter what or 2) that these women did this to their own husbands, so they think everybody does it to their husbands. most of the feelings people express toward others are reflections of what is in their own heart. when you see good and feel good, you express that, if you see bad and feel bad, you express the bad. i think it is a shame.

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THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The sense of entitlement and "it's not fair if I don't get what I want" is so irritating. Also, the DS is NEVER at fault. It is ALWAYS the DIL. The DIL does this, that, or the other, when it is a joint decision. The DIL "brainwashed" or "controls" their DS. The DIL is evil and hateful and obviously hates them. Waking a sleeping baby? Not checking with the MIL before they had kids? These are things that shouldn't ever offend anyone! Also, I've noticed that many MIL complain about how they want this great relationship with the GC, but don't try to fix the relationship with the DIL. That relationship needs to come first. Kids are not band-aids that make all the hurt go away. If you have been hurtful (even if it was unintentional) in the past, the relationship with your DIL has suffered. WHY should she just let you have open access to her children if you have been hurtful to her? That's rewarding bad behavior. In general, the more you push/complain/manipulate/guilt-trip, the less anyone (DIL, DS, and GC) will want to spend with you. We disrupt our schedules and our life to make sure you have a relationship with DH and GC. Be grateful we do it. Just because it isn't as much time or whatever as you want doesn't mean you deserve more. We give what we can, and cannot and will not do any more than that.

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It seems like w/*some* of these GP's entitlement is like some sort of incurable EPIDEMIC or something!! Seriously I DO NOT remember ANY of my GP's (or my cousins, or friends GP's for that matter) acting/behaving the way some GP's do today. I'd like to say one thing - "LIFE ISN'T FAIR" that was taught to us by our Parents AND our GP's our whole life. Thru every generation it's ALWAYS meant the samething. So why do some GP's expect it to mean something different/or anything less? Yet, some GP's will be the first to say/scream/cry 'It's Not Fair' in regards to whatever their NOT getting when it comes to the GK's. Did I miss something here - has that statement lost it's value? I think the "entitlement" issues go back to when they were DIL's and they didn't stop their MIL's from interfering in their marriages, or trying to "take over" when it comes to the kids - stuff like that. So now that they are the MIL's they feel they are "entitled" to do to US what their MIL's did to them - who knows maybe they think it's normal - BUT ITS NOT. Another thing that "sets off" some MIL's is that "this generation" of DIL's are stronger, independant, will speak up when they don't like something, we're not affraid to call them out on their "behavior" or put them in "time out" when they've been asked to stop doing whatever and still continued on. You know - we're not going to "take it" or "tolerate" it. In other words - we're NOT door mats - we don't fall for their guilt/manipulation tactics like their husbands/sons do - or did. I find it SO FUNNY when you hear "my son and I had a GREAT relationship before SHE came along, SHE won't let him do (insert whatever here) with me or for me anymore, SHE won't let me see my GK's, SHE is JEALOUS of our relationship, SHE brainwashed him" etc. The finger ALWAYS gets pointed @ the DIL when something goes wrong and MIL isn't getting what she wants. I've said it before but not to many MIL's here liked my answer - WE can't change your SONS. ONLY YOUR SONS can change themselves. They have BRAINS, they THINK for themselves! Some of the MIL's here also don't agree w/the fact that people "change" when the stages of their life change - ie - getting married, having kids etc. I think what it boils down to is MIL is no longer #1 and she doesn't want to believe/accept that. Out of curiosity has anyone actually answered the question WHY DIL's are so JEALOUS of MIL's? I know it's been asked a million times w/out an answer. The bottom line is that NO ONE is "entitled" to ANYTHING - INCLUDING being a part of the GK's life - may it be big or small. Your kids dont "owe it to you" to make you a Grandmother for rasing them, taking care of them etc. YOU chose to do those things when you decided to have kids. They also don't "owe it to you" to let you be in THEIR childs' life. BEING A GP IS A PRIVLEDGE NOT A RIGHT.

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Bradonsmom--Again--great post from you. Makes alot of sense to me. And as a new gramma I am always open to advice etc. Keep up the good work :)

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THANK YOU!! I feel like I got to vent through you and I wish that I could say exactly what you said to my own MIL.

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pbblt--exactly. "I don't get what I want!" is a general theme lately

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I also have to wonder if a lot of what is going on now is because of the holidays coming up. I'm not saying all of the MIL who have posted recently feel this way, but sometimes it is easier to play the "victim". That way, you feel more entitled to the "woe is me" mentality. But, it isn't healthy. When my mom starts playing the victim, it isn't fair, it isn't what I want 'crap', I call her on it. It stops. She does it subconsciously. She admits that if she acts like the victim, she then doesn't get her hopes up, and then can't be disappointed. However, in the mean time, she has hurt the relationship with her two DIL.

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I too have been completely flabbergasted by some of the latest posts. "Wow" has been the main word out of my mouth after reading most of them. The thing I kept thinking when reading them was.....cut off or time out soon will be coming if they keep it up. I honestly hope it doesn't for them, but if they are getting in the way of a families happiness and child's well being, it may be so. Thus my decision to write my DIL perspective post.......maybe give them a new way to look at the situation????

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Amen!!! I'm a newbie (DIL) and just recently joined in the hopes that I might improve my relationship with my MIL. Thus far she's been content but that is because I have failed to establish any boundaries around our family unit for the sake of 'peace'. Turns out its not very conducive to my inner 'peace' what with all of the resentment I've been building up over the years. So I'm on a mission to set some boundaries for the sake of my marriage and my family. And that's going to be a challenge, so I thought I might find this place helpful. I have to be honest, too, that I sort of like the no nonsense approach here. It is obvious that some come just to whine and are a bit taken aback when they're called on to answer valid questions and challenged to actually change their situations. I don't know, if I'm being a moron, I'd like to be called out on it. This stuff is too important to stand around whining and expecting someone to hold your hand. There is a time and place for Warm Fuzzies and Hugzz, but that time and place is not when you are in danger of alienating family and losing the privilege of seeing your grandchildren.

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I am a GM and a MIL and I too am shocked by the overwhelming sense of entitlement some (not all) of the other GM's have. "I only get to see my GC once a week!" Well, then what the hell are you complaining about? "I don't get to feed my GC!" If the mother was breastfeeding would you also be complaining about wanting to nurse too? We are the GPs! NOT the parents. I kind of like it that way myself. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my GS, but I do not want to go back to the days of bottles, diapers, and sleepless nights.

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bradsnana, the way I see it, that is such a healthy way to be! My Mom ADORES her four grandchildren, and they adore her, but she is happy to forego the parenting part. She has never even requested 'alone time' or made demands of my brother, sister or I (and respective spouses). She ASKS what WE want. Well, wait, I actually lied about 'alone time'. She HAS requested 'alone time'. With me! Her daughter! And so my husband watches the kids so my Mom and I can go get a margarita at least once while she is visiting (she lives 2000 miles away). We enjoy each other’s company and my Mom is not trying to Do-Over her parenting years because she did them once and she must have done something right because we get along great. You know, sometimes it seems like grandparents who don't necessarily have a very close relationship with their own children try to make up for it with their children's children. And no wonder that is off-putting to the children's parents (especially to the non-blood relative). All that to say, bradsnana, I think you're spot on with what a Grandma should be. A Grandma. Not a Mama. I *want* to deal with the bottles and diapers and sleepless nights now. Because this is my turn and it is a sacrifice I make out of love and I sincerely enjoy the rewards. I hope to get my fill now so I don't harass my own children when they're older to let me use their kids to 'relive' my Mommy Days.

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pbblt- i was thinking the same thing... the vents are more frequent because the holidays are approaching.

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I'm soooo glad someone brought this discussion up , and i'm really happy to hear others ( basically DIL's) feel the way I feel . . but i'm the Grandma /Mil . not the DIL . Some of these posts on this website i find ridiculous and i've been on this site for several months now, and it seems to be the basic complaint . . . the GP's don't get what they want and they're not happy, not all feel this way, but it seems like most of them do. I just keep thinking the GP's have nothing else to do in their lives but see their GK's and they have no friends, no community activities, no hobbies, and no outside interests, so they "expect' to be at their Son's or daughter's all the time to see their GK's. WHY???? You already raised your kids, let them raise theirs, and you're smothering your famlies!!!! we see our GK's when we can, when it's convenient for everyone, about once a MONTH . . ( yes , 1 time per month) sometimes more , and it's just FINE with us, and our son and his wife!!!!! We don't demand 'alone time' or ' i have to see little johnny / suzie 3 x's a week or i'm not happy' jargon. sorry, we have alot of other things going on, our family is very important of course and we adore our GK's but they can raise them by themselves and we don't intrude. I've kept quiet til now because i knew i would get blasted by people but i feel as you do, quit whining , get out and meet new people, visit your families /GK's when you can but don't lay a guilt trip on them because you need to be 'entertained' by the little ones all the time. Everyone has their own lives to lead and it makes for better relationships if everyone is independent and does their own thing. don't feel they 'owe' you tons of time with your grandkids because you raised their Mom or Dad, and they're obligated to do what you want. Just don't demand, whine, or make a fuss. Enjoy your families and let them enjoy their families on their own without making a nusance out of yourself!! . . . . thank you for reading this. i'll get off my soapbox now. LOL from a MIL/Grandma of 2 , soon to be 3 due May 1st . Take Care all of you smart ladies!!!!! (".")

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I actually stopped posting on this site becuase I got flack for agreeing with a lot of DIL's on this board. I wish some of the MILs on here would stop complaining and just let their kids live their lives!

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This whole group gives me a headache now... Note to newbies- turn off the caps lock and learn how use proper paragragh spacing! (banging head against wall)

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I hate to dogpile, but I agree with the entitlement thing. Is there some giant chalkboard, somewhere, where certain GPs tick off the exact amount of time they spend with their GC? That's one of the things that bugs me about my own MIL - the visiting thing sometimes seems to be about how often she can come down, and less about the quality of time spent. And it's "more more more!" every time I look around. I would also caution the GPs here to be careful of the whole "unfair" thing. There's a recurring theme here about how more love is the best thing for a GC - well, even if your DIL's parents get 5 extra nanoseconds with the baby, that's 5 extra nanoseconds of love, isn't it? And no - before I'm accused of it - I don't live anywhere near my own family, but I live close to my in-laws. I see my family twice a year if I'm lucky. Also... from a DIL's perspective, I'm not looking forward to the holidays. Christmas Day last year left some bitter memories and I really don't want to go through it again this year - but I am to keep the peace. Don't take things for granted - that's my bottom line.

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Archer, I'm with you. I'm REALLY dreading the holidays this year, and the stress and guilt that I'm feeling towards that is already making me resentful. I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of it without being persecuted by my in-laws, but, I doubt that will happen. After all, I was due on December 23 with my first child a few years back. MIL started in about Christmas that June. She wanted me to be induced a couple of days early, and leave directly from the hospital to drive the three hours to her home to make sure that we were there on Christmas. Because after all, that was the most important thing. And no, she wasn't joking. And she brought it up multiple times.

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OK, the entitlement thing. It blends in with the boundaries thing. Women who have grown children who have children are suddenly put back in that emotional spot they were in when their own children were born, but, with no responsibilities. It's heady stuff. And, like bridezillas who forget that money has to come from somewhere and the world is not going to fall apart if you have children at your wedding or the people in the wedding party don't all match like a wedding movie, new Grandmas have an idealized view of what it means to be a Grandmother. Grandmazillas forget that they're not in charge anymore, and BTW, the mother of their grandchildren is perfectly capable of learning how to take care of them. After all, Grandmazilla didn't have an instruction manual when she had children either. So, to deal with these very different sets of expectations, each generation has to understand where the other is coming from and respect the fact that life has changed. Mom's in charge of her children. Grandma gets to do whatever Mom allows her to do and be grateful for the privilege. If a kind suggestion falls out of Grandma's mouth from time to time, please pretend it is not a criticism, but rather a loving wish that your life will be easier than it appears to be now and that your children will grow up to be like the wonderful people you are today.

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FLgirl, my sympathies! I could see my MIL doing a similar thing - she nagged us into a visit two weeks after his birth - but the induction comment she made is ludicrous! Wow. I think if it was just a comment here and there or some unwanted advice I could deal with my MIL better. I'd take a piece of unwanted advice every day over pushiness!

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"OK, the entitlement thing. It blends in with the boundaries thing." Yeah thats an understatement. MIL's who "lack" the understanding for boundaries/rules or the WILL POWER to follow these boundaries/rules seem to be the ones that have HUGE entitlement issues. That theory has been prooven time and time again aroung here. Example - MIL breaks a rule/boundary - her "punishment" is getting less time w/the GK's - MIL doesn't "know" what she did wrong - even if she has been TOLD (time and time again) what she did and WHY her time has been cut back - she still feels/thinks she is entitled to that time (or more) w/the GK's. Like it or not EVERYONE has to follow rules - it's a part of life - it's how the world works - just because you are a Grandmother doesn't mean you are EXEMPT from following rules/boundaries regarding your grandkids. It's worth repeating again so here it is - NO ONE is ENTITLED to ANYTHING from ANYONES LIFE but THEIR OWN. "new Grandmas have an idealized view of what it means to be a Grandmother" Yes, this is called the "Grandma Fantasy" it seems to be running just as rampant as the Swine Flu these days. WAY TO MANY new GP's set their hopes WAY TO HIGH - and when they don't "get to be" the GP they've dreamed about - in many cases - it's usually the "Mommy #2" or the "do over" GP that automatically points the finger at the DIL for making their life and fantasy come to a screaching/crashing hault. News flash new GP's your GK's aren't your "do over". "So, to deal with these very different sets of expectations, each generation has to understand where the other is coming from and respect the fact that life has changed." This indeed would be the solution to the problem wouldn't it? My MIL has admitted on several occasions that she (and her "generation") don't like change - they are set in their ways and will continue to do things "their way" and the "younger generation" needs to deal w/and respect it. I know alot of MIL's like this - sadly some of them are here. When MIL's were once DIL's/young Mom's you were "in charge" of your kids - so why would things be any different now that you are a Grandmother? Did you suddenly get a "free pass" in life to do as you please "just because" you are Grandmothers now?

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This younger generation is ruthless, spoiled rotten and disrespectful. Shame on your mothers for not teaching you manners.

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I am a grandparent and I do agree with your points. My only point is are both sets or all three or four sets of grandparents treated equally. That is all I want. I want to share in the experience of this bundle of joy and let him know that I love him. From what I am reading here, I should just back away. By the way I do have a life and it is full. But it is not too full to rock him once in awhile.

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Ah but DGrandma, YOU are one of the Mother's of "this generation". Why are we disrespectful? Because we arn't doormats to the whims of our MIL's?? Because we speak our minds rather than sit silent unless spoken too? Because we have our own ideas about how we want to raise OUR children and OUR nuclear family? BECAUSE WE DIDN'T BIRTH OUR PRECIOUS BABES JUST FOR YOUR PLEASURE????? Puh-leez! I think some of YOUR generation is presumptious, narcistic and ENTITLED.

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"This younger generation is ruthless, spoiled rotten and disrespectful. Shame on your mothers for not teaching you manners. " DGrandma, I take great offense at your mean-spirited attitude. My mother worked 10 hour days and died in my arms when I was barely out of my teens. I *hardly* think my reaction to my MIL's overbearing attitude has *anything* to do with her. Your generalization is cruel, offensive, and downright ignorant. You ought to be ashamed of those words. You bring up the notion of "disrespect" - but that is such a vague word. It can be applied to anything, skewed to meet your needs. Your DIL wants just her husband in the birthing room? MUST BE DISRESPECT!!! In fact, why not extrapolate: anything contrary to *your own* opinion must be disrespectful. That way, you can continue to sit on your high horse and snarkily attack "the younger generation." I allowed my MIL to be present at the hospital while I gave birth. She kept bursting in trying to see what was happening when we'd specifically asked her to stay out until the baby was born. The instant she was allowed in, she came and stuck her fingers in his mouth "to try and soothe him." But you know, DGrandma, I guess if I'd objected to that, it would have been DISRESPECTFUL. Because clearly I'm ruthless and spoiled rotten. I don't have any of my own family within thousands of miles, so my MIL was the only family member visiting. Perhaps she intended to be helpful, but ended up being a gigantic nag, asking us repeatedly to visit HER, a 2.5 hour round trip journey. She started requesting this the day after the birth, but it had to be put on hold until two weeks after the birth because I WAS DISRESPECTFUL and had health complications that confined me to the house. How RUTHLESS and SPOILED ROTTEN of me! How DISRESPECTFUL of me to have developed PND and asked for some boundaries. How SPOILED ROTTEN of me to be uncomfortable with her taking my newborn out on a 2 hour walk when he needed frequent feeding! How RUTHLESS of me to try and protect my physical and mental health and my own child by limiting her visits to once a week or less. I have never felt compelled to argue so strenuously on these message boards, and no doubt you'll take it as a ruthless ad hominem, but you know what? Good. I have always been against reckless, sweeping generalizations, so maybe it'll make you think twice about lumping all DILs in one basket. I certainly don't lump all MILs in one basket. There are grandmas on this board who I'd definitely consider swapping my MIL with. There are grandmas on this board who are genuinely illtreated by their DILs. There are grandmas on this board who are actively looking to fix their situations, by giving specifics, asking for solutions, and examining their own actions to try and find ways to make a relationship with their children-in-law and GC work. And then... there are people who talk vaguely about "disrespect" and how horrible all DILs are, and then complain about how their DIL isn't a doormat and won't let them see their GC every holiday and 5 times a week and 3 weeks every summer without their parents to go to Timbuktoo. And that type of grandma, the type in the above paragraph, is the one the original post is geared toward. Shame some people don't realize that.

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