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blonnka

grandmak

10 posts in this topic

What is the best way to handle this situation: Our son, his wife, and their new baby (our first grandchild) live across the country. We have a visit that has been planned for 2 months, and now that we are only 3 days away, our son tells us that we can't see them until the last two days of our 5 day visit because they are busy. Staying with them is never an invitation, and even a ride to or from the airport is never available. We have offered to bring meals over, or meet them in a restaurant, whatever they choose, but are always told they are busy. This time, our daughter took time off of work to join us, and meet her first niece, but now must wait until 4 days into her 5 day visit. Neither of us, nor any of our family was invited to the baby shower. When we approach our son and his wife about our feelings, we are simply shut out completely for months at a time. Has anyone else gone thru this? how did you cope? what did you do? I am so angry I can't even sleep at night.

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Wow blonka...that is COLD! Did they say exactly what they were going to be busy doing? What could be so important that they have to put off his parents planned visit by days??? No wonder you are hurt and confused by this behavior. I don't know if there is much you can do about it, but I feel for you, that's for sure.

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blonnka, I feel bad for you. In reality, your post reads like many of the posts here and on other sites. I can't say I've experienced that extent of abuse; close but not blatant. your post did turn on a light bulb for me though. You & your family would never ever tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone else and yet you do tolerate it from your son & his wife. WHY?......the baby. This says it all, I believe there is a lot of crulty out there today. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior and treatment of family. I'm sorry about your situation.

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I really appreciate the support I got from both of you, literally overnight. I am so trying to be the better person, the adult, and be a good example. But at what point and at what costs does it have to stop? I would love to know some coping tools or correction actions that others may have used to work through this. I know that both our son and DIL are very good people: they just continuously hurt all the son's family, our family. She has isolated everyone in her family except her mom. We just don't want to give up.

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Any background on your relationship? There has to be more history to this. Have you 2 argued about anything? Have you gotten along before? What kind of relationship have you had with your son?

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When was the baby born? Is this a newborn? Is it possible that they're not quite ready for visitors yet? Maybe they planned this trip when they were still pregnant, not realizing that they wouldn't be ready for visitors this soon. I know that even though I did not have full blown PPD, I had a lot of post partum anxiety and a good case of the baby blues and those first weeks after my son's birth were hard. I only wanted my husband around. Could this be part of the reason?

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"When we approach our son and his wife about our feelings, we are simply shut out completely for months at a time." I can say that the only time I've shut anyone out for voicing their feelings was when they hurt me with the *way* they voiced their opinions. Are you sure that you and your DH are coming across the way you want to be heard, and not just in an accusatory manner? You also later stated that your DIL has pushed away anyone she could, other than her own mother. Do you know of any diagnosed mental illness from her, or explanation for why she pushes away anyone who hurts her? I do hope you still get to enjoy the two days you will spend with them. PLEASE try not to let them see your anger when you visit, or it will lead to them shutting you out again, and it's obvious you don't want that to happen. Good luck to you. :)

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dear blonnka - i'm afraid that i have no words of wisdom for you - just feelings of empathy - i'm so sorry that you have such an uncaring son(?) and that you are being treated this way - all i can say is that i would pray about it - try to keep your sanity - think back - is there anything at all that you might have possibly have done to deserve this treatment? i can't imagine that you have - just try to wait for the right time and maybe things will get better - if it is your son, maybe you could have a one-on-one with him and try to get to the bottom of this - you look like your could use some hugs - so i'm giving you some - hugggsssssssssssssss - kay

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Food for thought - you don't say how old the baby is - they could have used up 100% of their sick/vacation/PTO time when the baby was born and simply cannot take time off to visit you while you are here. If she is staying home and your DS is working, he could have very easily done this. She might not feel comfortable enough with you to entertain or host you all day without her DH as a buffer. Also, if the baby is young, she is exhausted and will want to nap when baby naps, or catch up on chores. You say your visit has been planned for 2 months - did you check with them before planning it to make sure it was an okay time and that they would be able to see you during the visit? If the baby is only 2 months old (just hazarding a guess since you planned your visit 2 months ago), they just now are going back to work, and are still trying to settle into a routine. As far as e-mails and phone calls - now you know that isn't how she chooses to communicate. Sounds like she isn't into e-mails, phone calls, or text messages and prefers in-person discussions. You will need to adjust your expectations of her to match what she is willing to give. Curious, though, does your DS call his MIL, talk to her, respond to her e-mails? If the answer is no, why do you expect your DIL to do this? As far as the baby shower invite goes, yes, I think she should have invited you. It sounds like you live out of town? Maybe she just assumed you weren't coming, so why do the (polite) thing and issue an invitation, "knowing" the outcome of the invite already?

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I too "have had" a lot of hurt and anger. PLEASE do not get buried in it.A new friend talked about spring cleaning. It took me a bit to "get IT". Dump all the clutter and let in the clean fresh air. I bet you are so excited to see the little one. My heart goes out to all of you.Make the first 3 days of your trip so happy the last 2 will follow. Remember GRANDBABY First and that will soften your hurt hearts.

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