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dilly1

WAIT to be invited

51 posts in this topic

DH tells me the ILs are planning a trip to our home. We DIDN'T issue this invite her. DH is busy at work and can't stay home. We never visit without an invite. Question: Do some of you feel that you do not need an invitation to visit your DS? If not, why not? Don't you think inviting yourself is rude?

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I'm pretty sure we've discussed this before. In our family, there is an open invitation...come when you can! Sunday when we were at Ds's as we were leaving he said that they "may" come up in a couple of weeks (Memorial Day weekend). I just tell them to be sure to call first to be sure we are going to be home. Is this rude? Not in our family but others families may be different. We always call them before we go down to be sure they don't have other plans. Just because this is how our family functions doesn't mean it will work for others.

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How does it work when you visit them?

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It is rude to invite yourself somewhere. It would be even _ruder_ for DH to actually accept a self-invite from his Parents at a time he _knows_ he cannot entertain them. Then his guests might be left just sitting in an empty house, visiting no one. Your DH would never accept a self-invite from his Parents without first _asking_ you if you are _willing_ to entertain them all day every day while he is gone.

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Good pp question: how does it work when you visit them? I think each family has different familial etiquette. Plus was it one of those "we'd like to visit such-and-such date. Does that work ok?" and then they actually would be reasonable if you said it didn't work. OR Is it one of those "We have free time on these dates and we are coming to see you! Isn't that great!" And then they are quite unreasonable if that doesn't work for you. Either way, if DH agreed to plans without speaking with you, then SHAME ON HIM!!!

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They invite, he flies on a Friday after work, he returns Saturday or Sunday. He stays in a hotel and rents a car. DH doesn't agree to a visit where they sit all day and he's at work.

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But, MIL calls and nags and invites herself rather than waiting for an invite.

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Just a simple question...have you ever actually issues an invitation? Mom...Dilly and I would love for you to come see us the first weekend in April. I hope you can make it, if not maybe the second weekend in May would be betteer for you.

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I think some Paternal Grandparents are afraid if they don't self-invite that they will never get an actual invitation.

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Sue as usual you are spot on. We have an open door policy with our kids, they call and say "we are coming home on XYZ". We have visited OS/DIL maybe 5 times in 3 years, they live 8 hours away, 3 times we stayed in hotel until DS told us we were hurting his feelings for not staying with them. I am not sure how DIL feels about it but she has no problems asking if I want to shop while we are there which usually means a new chair, kitchen table or rug. If it has been awhile between visits DS will say "when are you and Dad coming this way?", we will give him a couple of dates and he will tell us what is best for him/them. So no formal invites. If someone is having problems with self invites I think the idea of actually offering an invite and dates would be great and solve some problems.

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I hope they do not think they are staying in your house and if they do think that then I hope DH set them straight. It's fine if they want to come to your city to visit since it is a free country. However, it's incredibly rude if they expect to stay at your home and expect your family to be at their beck and call for entertainment. You and your family have no obligation to see them while they are in your city. I would either tell them that it's too bad my schedule does not allow for me and my family to get together with them while they are visiting. That would get the message across that they need to wait for an invitation. Or you could tell them something like, "Let me know which hotel you are staying at and and maybe we can meet you for lunch or dinner one day while you are out here." I wouldn't reward such rude behavior with anything more than a very brief lunch or dinner.

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Is it expected for "adult children" to wait for a formal invite with dates to visit their parents home? Never a call of we are coming into town or if they live close by, we are coming over Sunday afternoon?

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@Footballmom - I think it depends on the relationship between the adult children and their parents and the burden placed on the people who are being visited. For visits that are from out of towners - People can visit whatever city they want but they shouldn't expect to impose on their family members in that city if they have not been invited to visit by those family members. I think it's fine if you plan a visit to X city that your adult child happens to live in as long as you don't expect to impose on them. You can say something like, "Hey son/daughter, dad and I will be visiting your city on X, Y & Z dates and staying at Z hotel. We'd love to see you while you are there if you have time. Let us know what works for you." For families that are closer together, you should at least call to see if it's okay to stop by for a visit. My parents have an open door policy - I and DH can stop by anytime we want. Even though it's open door I ALWAYS give them notice and ask if it's okay to stop by. I'll call maybe the day before or the morning of and say, "Hey would it be okay if DH and I stop by at X time." My parents always do the same when they want to visit me and DH.

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I see nothing wrong with a double standard between parent and child. Our kids llived with us for many years. They consider our home their home. But we as the older generation should wait for an invite. If we want to come long distance for a visit we should book a hotel. If they want us to stay with them and they have enough room and there are no il issues maybe split the time between the two.

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It is funny how life turns about, after my last post OS called and said "we are talking about driving in for Memorial Day, we are not sure yet I will let you know by Thursday at noon but if we come we will be there Friday right after lunch and leave around noon Monday". So I am sitting here thinking about how to rearrange our weekend to make them feel welcome. Am I excited to see DS ? SURE, but I am not excited that when they come they bring 2 great danes and one 4lb mutt. All three shed like crazy and drive footballdads aging dog nuts, she will need therapy and I will be cleaning up dog hair for weeks. We will rework our schedule meet them in the driveway with open arms and big smiles and we will enjoy having them, so yes there is a double standard.

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I think the difference is...our house...is still "home" to them. My sister moved the summer after her daughter graduated from college. At the new house, she slept in the "guest room" before going off to college and when visiting for holidays etc. When my son went off to college, a friends parents moved and didn't give him the new address. Granted he was older and had just finished up a tour in the service...but still. Sometimes I catch myself saying I'm going home...when I mean Mother's.

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I would not take our two basset hounds to another person's home. Kennels are wonderful things.

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Dilly - I totally get where you are coming from. I posted about this same thing a while back. My inlaws are planning a visit this summer. Were they invited? No. We were informed that they wanted to visit several months back and they actually had a date that they were coming. I don't know what sane person would plan a cross country trip to visit people without consulting them first but sadly these are my inlaws. I adore FIL but MIL is a very special snowflake. They are divorced and normally visit at different times so them visiting together kind of threw me for a loop. Either way, since MIL is no longer allowed to stay in our home they will get a hotel. We gave them a few dates (weekends as no visit longer than 3-4 days) that we could do with a copy of our schedules and daughters schedule and that any time we spend with them would be arranged around that. If they can't give us the common courtesy of asking then we feel we shouldn't give up our hard-earned vacation and family time to spend with them. I believe someone stated that maybe they are scared that if they didn't invite themselves they wouldn't get an invitation. Not the case with FIL but with MIL it is 100% true. Good luck Dilly.

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I've never known DH to invite them here. They invite themselves. He does fly over to their place, rent a car, stay in a Hotel for a night, when they insist. Footballmom- have you considered paying the expense for DS to kennel the dogs or paying a dog sitter for DS? It's expensive but might be a nice "self gift".

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Footballmom, you're a very patient and generous person. I hope I can be so flexible when I have adult children--I like to have a plan! And, given that I like to plan, and both sets of parents are long-distance, we usually do plan ahead with them, even though they're clear that we could show up whenever. I like to give both my parents and ILs the same advance notice that we'd want from them--it seems only courteous. Not to mention dealing with the cost of plane tickets! We're both each responsible for communicating with our own parents. Sometimes I think my DH leaves his parents a bit out of the loop or waits too long to talk with them about a visit idea we've discussed already, but I also try to stay out of it. They're his parents, and he knows better than I do what's necessary for his family dynamic, even though it's not how I handle mine.

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This wording resonates with me "We're both each responsible for communicating with our own parents. DH leaves his parents out of the loop, but I stay out of it. They're his parents, and he knows better than I do what's necessary for his family, even though it's not how I handle mine. (I cut out the PPs words that don't apply to us)

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Dilly, doggy sitters would not work. DS is going to be a wonderful Daddy some day if he is half as involved with a baby as he is with his dogs. The dogs are very well behaved but we do not have a fenced in area other than the pool and the fence is not high enough. We can send them to my earth goddess sister if we need to, she has a nice kennel area and dog run (she rescues and fosters dogs). I don't like to leave them in the house when we are not home, the girl great dane gets nervous and chews. I have the left overs of a leather parson chair to remind me. It will be fine and we will all have a good time IF youngest and his girlfriend does not come in with her cat. Sarah @ I use to be the person that could not function with out a plan set in stone. I lived by schedules and appointments, I could tell you when I would be able to talk to footballdad during the day because his assistant would send me his schedule every morning. Now that the kids are gone I am no longer in a hurry for anything. If it gets done today, GREAT, if not, it will be there in the morning. Someone ask me not too long ago if I wish I would have been more laid back and less structured when the kids were younger. The answer is no, I just don't think I could have done the best for the kids had I been a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl. We usually made it to where we needed to be on time and with everything we needed. Life just changes as the years go by, it slows down and the things that were so important are no longer there to do, so you find your own "sweet spot" in life and ride the wave.

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Footballmom, what a great perspective! It gave me a flash to some day many years from now, relaxing with my DH in a quiet house.

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Sue: "I think some Paternal Grandparents are afraid if they don't self-invite that they will never get an actual invitation." True enough. We've invited the whole IL bunch down a couple of times, but the PILs have a tendency to invite themselves. Fortunately, they don't have the intestinal fortitude to do it often.

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Sue is correct. I have never been invited except for the birth. I don't invite myself, that would be rude.

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