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ganmal

daughter in law selfish

41 posts in this topic

my daughter in law actually put away toys to keep my other grandchildren from playing with them --they are all under 5--I cannot believe she was so punitive and small minded--my daughter would not treat her children the same way--nothing has been said but I think very little of her now and don't think that will change--I hate that the children are being taught that not sharing is okay, and you can just put up the toys if you don't feel like sharing when company, even family visits--

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If these are toys at your house that you keep for all the grandkids, you can weigh in. If these are toys at her house and she puts a few away when the cousins come over - I've been there, and I've done that, and I'd do it again. Some kids are more careful than others, boys play with toys differently than girls, there is a lot of difference in how kids of different ages play with toys. I'd think it's better to put a few favorite toys away than take a chance on them getting broken or damaged - or even having to stop squabbles when several kids want to play with one kids favorite toy. Before playdates with some little girls who were more "active" or parties where little boys were included, my DD would ask me to put a few of her favorite toys away so they would be safe. This might not be your DIL being selfish, it could be your grandkid thinking - "my cousin broke some stuff last time."

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I see where that would be hard to watch. I also have to say I’ve done that before (*not* in front of the kids). My DS has two older cousins that are a little hard on things sometimes (they are wonderful! Just active players!), so before they come over I put some things away that are favorites or have many pieces (puzzles, etc…). My DS and his cousins are both completely unaware of this, though. I don’t know if you meant that she did it in front of the kids or not. If she did and depending on how she did it, I could see where you think it should have been handled better. The kids may not understand and think they’re being punished. Or like the PP said, if the toys were at your house it really wasn’t her place to do that.

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The PP said it better than I did. The toys have to vanish before the other kids arrive and not be discussed. If that's the case, your DIL is trying to avoid an issue. If it isn't you could ask your son if he could put the critical toys away beforehand next time. Sometimes the family gathering will put kids together that wouldn't be best friends otherwise. "He-Boy, Destroyer of Teddy Bears" coming over to visit the home of "Tea Party Tiffany, the Girl Afraid of Ants" isn't likely to end well.

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Something that you may not have considered is that a toy that is appropriate for a 4 year old may not be appropriate for a 2 year old. Putting away a toy with small pieces that may cause a choking hazard is not only thoughtful, but something necessary for the safety of your grandchildren. You didn't post enough on this board to give a full picture, but there are many reasons to put away toys, and most of them are not selfish or punitive. Prior posters have listed a variety of very valid reasons to put away toys. However, I know your gut reaction may have been upset and angry in defense of your grandchildren, and if you have had disagreements with your DIL in the past, your initial thought may be a negative one about her motivations.

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Sharing is nice, with some peeps, with some things. I'll be dropping into 4 showers today. I presume the hostesses will only be sharing food and drink with me. I doubt I'll be allowed to share any of the "big girl toys" in these 4 homes. I probably won't get to play "tea party" with antique Limogues tea cups, I probably won't play "dress up" in gorgeous clothes, shoes, and jewels. Peeps choose what they share. Surprise, DH does not share his golf clubs either!

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I'm not sure how this can be seen as selfish? Seems like a very small and petty thing to judge your DIL about. There are so many good reasons she may have for doing this. There may be toys that are easily breakable that she wants to keep safe. Some toys may have caused fights between the kids in the past, so she is putting them away to avoid the fights. The kids may have favorite toys they don't want to share. It is OK to allow a child to special item that they do not have to share. Some toys may not be age appropriate.

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DIL sounds like an awesome mom, putting away special toys that mean something to HER child so the cousins don't run the risk of breaking them. heck, _I_ do that with ODS' "special" toys that he can't survive without (seriously, one got temporarily broken and you would have thought that the Apocalypse was happening). Yes it's great to share with family and friends BUT as human beings we are not required to share everything unless we really want to. is that selfish? no, it's human nature

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By putting away a few favorites her kids may have had trouble sharing your DIL was likely trying to avoid a meltdown/argument between the children. She is letting her own children know that she respects their feelings and opinions in what they are willing to share and what "special" things they are not. I don't see how this could be viewed as selfish in her part. It sounds to me like she is a wise mother. I also wonder if preexisting issues with her have clouded your judgement. Putting away "special" toys before a playdate us actually recommend by current "parenting experts". When you have guests do you share *everything* you own? I'll guess you don't.

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Ganmal are the toys at _your_ house? Of course you don't judge your DIL for how she runs her house. Of course you don't compare your DIL to what your adult Daughter does as a measure of "right" and "wrong" parenting. Of course you don't show your disdain for the parenting choices of children you'd like to be invited to spend time with. And of course you don't say anything to people about what they should do or not do, when other people come to visit them. 'Cause doing that would lead to all kinds of _self-inflicted_ discontent. Might as well not do it, accept the decisions of other adults as belonging to them and them alone, and feel happier with your own life.

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Before guests arrived, my mom used to ask me what toys I wanted to put up, then everything left out was free game for all the kids. I do the same thing w/ my kids. Honestly, forcing kids to share is overrated. As adults, we rarely share our "toys". Why do we make such a big deal about making toddlers?

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they are a year apart in age, she put ALL of the toys away, leaving none out, I understand putting away the ones that are special, I've done that myself, but all of them, that's just still petty any way you look at it, cannot be justified--still selfish

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they are a year apart in age, she put ALL of the toys away, leaving none out, I understand putting away the ones that are special, I've done that myself, but all of them, that's just still petty any way you look at it, cannot be justified--still selfish

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they are a year apart in age, she put ALL of the toys away, leaving none out, I understand putting away the ones that are special, I've done that myself, but all of them, that's just still petty any way you look at it, cannot be justified--still selfish

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I'm for 4 different showers. When I return I'll let you know if anyone, at any of the showers, shared anything except food and drink with me. I'll also watch to see if anyone is upset with lack of sharing of my friends' possessions.

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Your reaction to this seems so extreme... In your words, "You think so little of her now". Is this your *dirt mound* to die on? There could be some other explanations too: Maybe DIL is concerned about the spread of germs? Bring some toys for the other GK's to play with when you visit, and problem solved.

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Well, you would think very little of me. When my two year old godson comes over I take away ALL of the toys and unroll huge sidewalk size pieces of brown painting paper and his mom brings crayons. NO toys at ALL for that poor baby, just home improvement supplies.

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Since when is doing something for your children _selfish_? I'm assuming DIL doesn't play with these toys. Her children do. Its pretty selfish of you to decide what DD should do in her own house. Selfish in terms of you seem to think _her_ house is your house. Or atleast your DD's house. DIL doesn't get to set the standard for her you. You and DD should set that standard in DIL's home. Besides, since your DD is such a good mother, of course she brings plenty of toys, books, and activities to keep her children busy when they go places. DD is a thoughtful and organized mom, so there's no need for other people to provide toys for DD's children to play with. DD has that covbered. DD is so giving and generous, that DD brings toys for DIL's children to play with whenever she visits them. Right? It would be _selfish_ of DD not to think of DIL's children by bringing toys when DIL is nice enough to have DD and her children over. When your guests come over your house, including your grandchildren, you also line up all your best jewelry for the children to play with. Since everyone, including children, loves sparkly things. You clean and put out all your best chains, necklaces, bracelets and shiny rings for the kids to play dress up with. It would be selfish of you if you didn't offer your diamond earrings for your guests to wear when they came to your house.

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The obvious question to me would be, have the other kids not been careful w/ toys in the past?

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I find it strange that she put all the toys away. What are the kids expected to do during the visit? That would be like inviting people over and not offering any food or drinks. Have there been previous visits with toys damaged? I can see putting away special toys but all?

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So she had several children at her house, all under 5, and had nothing for them to do? They weren’t allowed to play with/do anything? If that’s the case… who wants to sit with *bored* children? I see that it’s her right to do whatever she wants in her house, that said… I hope she at least considered giving the kids *something* to do. If she did give them something to do or if she figured something else out, that's different. @Eowyn: I think that idea is cute!

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I feel like we're still missing a huge piece of the pie here. Whose home was this, who was invited, how was your relationship prior to this one (seemingly minor incident)?

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I don't really like my neice, who is two months younger then my daughter, playing with her toys either. First, they both slobber and so it's not sanitary. Second, the envoirnment my neice comes from isn't hygenic and it bothers me- I afterall, caught MRSA from her mother's home. I guess that makes me selfish. I thought it made me protective over the well being of my daughter. I'm not saying that this is your situation- but I'm saying that your DIL is thinking about what is best for her kid or her family, not about the sense of fairness you want accross the board for all of your GC. You're making something personal that is quite frankly not your business(unless it's in your home, which I get the impression it's not). If this one action is enough for you to think so poorly of her.. well, she never had a chance with you in the first place. Especially considering your comparing her to your own daughter, which I would be surprised if you didn't favor. I would suspect you just don't like her anyway and this was as good of an excuse as any. If that's not true.. then I think you're being a little bit petty yourself.

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You'd hate me then OP- when I'm at my MILs house I hid a dangerous toy (that my slightly older nephew that she granny-nanny's for loves) and I've honestly forgotten where it is. I'd asked repeatedly that it be put away before my son came over and they always forgot- they were mini micro cars, the size of your thumb nail. Clear choking hazard, and should have been put in the dump 20 years ago when they were first recalled. Instead, they'd be left out or taken out by my nephew (who had almost choked on them himself) and I'd have to fish them out of my son's mouth if I turned my back for a second. I spoke with nephew's mom and told her I hated them, she agreed she hated them too but didn't want to challenge MIL on it. So they were "lost" and if someone manages to find them I'm taking them to the dump myself even if I have to pry them out of someone's hands. Depending on the number of kids and how well they play together, I would totally put away toys if necessary. Why not encourage them to go outside and play? Looks like you are looking for an opportunity to attack your DIL and not defend your grandchild. What did her kids think of their mom putting away all their toys? What did the kids do during the visit?

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I see a huge gap here. DIL puts all the toys away when other children came over... were there crafts? games? I can't see any parent inviting kids over and then have nothing for them to do. and it still is not selfish of the DIL to do these things (if she actually did it). You can not control what she does in her own freaking house.

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