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      PLEASE READ: We are moving the community   02/15/18

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LotsofExper

Have a Heart to Heart with Your Kids

2 posts in this topic

If children are returning home because of financial problems, guide them to be self-sufficient by discussing options to deal with independence, financial stability and self pride.

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Hi Lots of Experience - those are all important things to do for our kids. A lot of them feel defeated and have often lost jobs, etc and can't manage without help or graduated from college and can't find anything but waiting tables part time. (Or divorce, etc., which leave them high and dry without a job or means of supporting themselves and possibly their children. - Lots of reasons these days - as many reasons as there are people moving home.) I feel it is just as important (looking from "the other side") - that we maintain peace in our home, our lives and self-respect). We make them feel welcome, include them in the working end of the house with responsibilities, some financial help, if possible, toward their room, board and enlarged utilities incurred. (If we're not careful, we can easily deplete our life savings helping them.) The worst thing we can do is allow them to move in, no matter how much we love them or have enabled them in the past by allowing them to be irresponsible takers in life, or other issues to continue that behavior and arrive with those expectations of us. Adults need to be responsible, even if it's cleaning their toilet or whatever. It is important for them to pitch in both because it is the right thing to do to not be a an undue burden, but for their self-esteem and to keep them from feeling like a child in your home once again. It is also best, from the moment they move in, to set ground rules and expectations, to let them know we expect them to show respect and mamke a joint effort to make this work for all involved. If they bring children that will certainly bring added issues as to who will do what and who has what responsiblity. (As in, I have the expectation that your children will not swing from the chandeliers, run their hotwheels across your antique oak dining table or smash their playdoh into that table or the carpet. I also expect you to discipline your children to teach them what is expected and be the one to pick up after them. "If you don't, know I will".) And then we have the kids who come back home with drinking or drug problems who often bring their children back with them - who abdicate the parental role and let their kids run wild until YOU try to discipline them in any way, who THEN become unglued when YOU do the job they are choosing to ignore - and this isn't just about someone with addictive behavior but ALL parent/child issues. ALL these things belong in the "Heart to Heart" category and should be discussed at the beginning of the new relationship, but, when a new issues arises, a new family conference should be the lst place to go. And never forget - THIS IS YOUR HOME and tho you would like to welcome them back way after a child should logically be long gone and on their own. These are hard times. You want to help, but you must, at all times feel free to run YOUR home as you feel is appropriate. If they can't or won't comply, consider telling them to make other arrangements. Your golden years deserve respect and their understanding that you are helping them and doing without things you dreamed of or wanted in order to do so. This is YOUR HOME. There are rules, as well as love for them to accept available to them.

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