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tedybearnana

hey cbsmile !!!

8 posts in this topic

hi - i hope you'll post and let us get into a conversation about what brought you to our group. i sent you a private message - look in the upper corner of the page and click My Account to get to it. hope to hear from you soon. tedy

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hi, cb - it sounds as if you have a real mess on your hands. i'd be interested in knowing why your dh and dd have problems. did her lst boyfriend die naturally or an accident at work? either way, i'm sure that was traumatic for you all, but especially her. i'm glad she's found someone else, now, though and seems to be recovering from that loss and trauma. times are very tough re jobs right now. i know my son (who, at 43, is living with us - long story that you can find somewhere in these chats) is having a very hard time finding anything but temporary employment where they can cut you off for awhile or let you go anytime they want. right now, he is between jobs and that is tough on us all. is she content just working at Safeway part time, or does she want something full-time? is she looking? it sounds as if she's fairly happy with the situation and not motivated to do more. is this creating problems with you, as well as dh? does she help around the house when she's not working or contribute in any way? sadly, she probably has to find the motivation within herself to change the situation or find a guy with enough money so that it stops being a problem. your ds sounds like a pretty good dad - does he take responsibility for nicholas when he's home or is he sort of leaving that to you? does he contribute to the household with financial assistance for all the 'extra cost' the two of them are? utilities are going up, up, up - i know ours are much higher with our son here, as well as groceries. that can create stress for you and dh, too. each of your children need to be contributing, if possible. our son just never has enough money, but he helps in other ways with the yard, etc and has certain chores that are his while he's here. poor nicholas - what a mess for him. it seems his mom (word used loosely) wants a toy, not a son. toys can be put away when it's not convenient - or even just left lying on the floor and ignored until it's play-time again. it's good he's there with you because he's getting some stability and structure with you in charge and managing his life. (lucky HIM to have you!) (i have a grandson who just turned 5 and another who's abut 22 months - i can only imagine how he would manage under the same circumstances and it's a scary thought!)how is your dh handling all this moving back home? that could certainly cause stress between the two of you. one thought - i guess your dil has certain rights to her son, but it would seem that they could be structured in some way. the child must come first, not what SHE wants. that's something to be talked over with the judge, i guess. she certainly isn't a responsible parent. (one suggestion - start documenting each time she says she's going to get nicholas and whether she does or doesn't, if she gets him on time and returns him at the agreed upon time. get a small notebook and write down times, days, excuses, no-shows, etc. that might be something handy to show a judge when the divorce is finalized, as far as rights and custody is concerned. keep a log, write it all down, every time.) nicholas is very lucky to have you to present stability and infinite love to him. i know that was what my grandmother did for me. she was the only person i felt loved me unconditionally, no matter what i did. it will be important for you to be that person for nicholas. i hope your dh loves him, too, as that would certainly make it difficult for nicholas AND YOU! you are also lucky to have a strong faith to keep you on an even keel and knowing that someone has a 'bigger' plan for you AND for nicholas than the chaos and frustrations of your life right now. HE will hold you in the palm of his hand if you let him. please keep in mind that kids come and go (not grandchildren) - and that in the end, no matter what your grown children are doing or where they go, you and your DH need to be together and working through your lives as one. children grow up and move on - spouses are permanent and you have to make that work for you both in the long run. whatever you do, don't let all of this put a wedge between you and your dh. i'm sort of wondering how you're holding up through all of this, emotionally. i know that i have life-long depression problems and all that i go through with my ds doesn't help that situation much. are you ok or is this dragging you down emotionally? are you and dh retired or still working or what? well, lots of questions to get to know you - hang in there and let me hear from you. it's better if we chat in the room because we all learn from each other and something i say to you might help someone else or vice versa. (there are only so many versions of this empty nest deal, lol.) i'm always learning and we have people come and go and i hope that even if they don't stay, they can read what we say and that it will help them, too. we're all in this together, trying to figure out how to best deal with our re-filled nests. hugs cb - (i don't like to use real names in the room for privacy). keep me posted.

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Hi T, My husband is not her father, that in itself is another lovely story! When I told you of my mom being gone.. she died in 2003, February; in October of that year my first husband left after 25 years of marriage.. he was having an affair with my son's Boyscout leader's wife... nice huh? the B.S. Leader came to our house and screamed at my husband with my daughter sitting right there.. (needless to say her relationship with her dad is not so good) when my new husband and I got together my daughter was very supportive and welcomed him and his two kids..(they are ages in between mine and they live in Nevada) but my daughter and husband are both a bit stuborn and he moved into our house.. he has a lot of opinions of how things should be and what they should do and when they don't do them to his specification.. he gets mad and she gets mad and ugh.. we were raised by complete opposite mothers/fathers and where I am a very patient person.. he is not.. so... thus the strife.. and she does do things but in her own time and my son the same.. my fault.. i never was a stickler on stuff.. it seemed my mom did everything.. so did I.. : ( anyway the fact that she still isn't driving although she has a car (the parents of her deceased boyfriend gave her his car) is only one thing that bugs my husband.. now.. onto the boyfriend.. he had no symptoms, was not sick, he was overweight and smoked.. there was no history of heart disease in his family either.. but apparently he had a heart attack in the back room at Safeway : ( when we found out it was him they were calling for the CPR in the back room we went back and there was my daughter (in shock) and they worked on him for at least 20 minutes : ( so very sad.. he was the only son.. he has a sister .. My daughter seems content which is kind of scarey.. I am hoping that with this new guy in her life (he is so sweet and kind and I think he's great) she will get the gumption to get moving with things.. My son works as a butcher in a high end supermarket and makes descent money but works at 5 am and this creates a problem.. my grandson needs to be in daycare now and so I am the only one who can take him before I go to work at 8:30 am.. daddy picks him up.. this makes for the problem.. how can he move out when he needs this help? at least my husband adores the baby and has from the beginning.. and he seems resigned to this fact.. of what to do? ??? you are so right about the baby's 'mother' it's so sad.. and we from the beginning did everything we could to help her / them out... from the beginning though I had a funny feeling.. anyone who could call up mommy in law and say 'did you want him this weekend" before a month old? holy cow.. I never left my kids overnight at mom's.. we didn't go anywhere never had money and mom was usually watching my sis' kids so I didn't ask.. (in retrospect I think this was dumb because my kids never had the relationship with mom and dad as my sis' kids did and i didn't have much time with my husband although he liked to go hunting and fishing with his buds.. so ??? I didn't want that to happen with my son and his wife... and I loved having the baby so it was ok..with my husband too most of the time.. now we love having him there but life is much different.. a little chaotic.. we come home to the happy doggies and the happy grandson.. and barely have time for us.. he has voiced this and we are working to fix that though.. unfortunately he just started a new job and his commute is 1+ hours each way, he gets home about 7 pm after leaving 5:30 am.. this is very hard.. he is tired. .. I work 8:30 to 5:00 and then go home to the stuff.. gotta get back to work now.. lunch is over!! talk to you soon! hugs!! Nonnie C

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GOODNESS!! what a mess! 2003 was a bad year for you! i'm so sorry for that. my dad also died in 2003, in May. the rest i'm happy to not have a match for! i remembered after i asked, that you worked - it's hard to keep stories straight sometimes when i first meet someone. i also understand that it's hard with your ds going to work so early that it is a problem for him to get out on his own with his son. i'm glad that your dh loves nicholas. that's a good thing and helps keep all of this on a more or less even keel. i'm wondering if your daughter is somewhat troubled. that was a very traumatic thing to have happen when her boyfriend died. it also seems rather odd that she doesn't drive. could it be she doesn't want to use the boyfriend's car? i don't quite get that. who carts her around places - such as, to work? i do hope this new boyfriend helps her sort things out. how long have they been seeing each other? it must be hard on you getting sort of caught in the middle between your dh's personality and way of doing things and your childrens'. how do you feel about the tension between your kids and dh? is that bothering you a lot? i hope that you can sort things out with him - and that new drive he's having to make to and from work can't be helping. my youngest ds (with the 2 boys) drives that sort of distance (or time) to and from work with bumper to bumper traffic. i know it really cuts down on his time with his kids and wife, too, and he's worn out when he gets home. well - i'll cut this off for now. let me know how i can help you - if you need help. you may just need to vent or talk about things. tell me what i can do for you. (there's a lot of tension at our house, too, because, as much as i love my son, he's had problems all his life and we are very much alike in some ways, personality wise - neither wants to give an inch, i'm afraid and he loves to 'punch my buttons'. our biggest problem is that he was diagnosed as a teen with ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder - and he hasn't outgrown it. my dh is very laid back, i have more problems with certain expectations and he is bound and determined that he's not going to take any suggestions from me or pretty much do anything that i ask. it is quite frustrating - so there's some tension going on at our house, too. i'm not the least bit happy about it, tho i do try to keep a lid on things - it doesn't work well, sometimes, tho.) hang in there nonnie c - tedy (or T is fine - i mistyped 'teddy' when i entered it and have just stuck with it, lol.) hope to hear from you soon.

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I'm having trouble getting the hang of this discussion stuff : ) I kept lookin on my account and thought you didn' want to talk to me after all the hoopla of my life lol ; ) things have been ok.. we have spurts where my husband blows up kinda .. but not at anybody but me.. he never says stuff to my kids.. i am happy to say that : ) Nicky's mom finally saw him after two weeks and he came back with matching shoes this time but pajamas that did not match and a sweatshirt all of which were at least one size too small... it was 5:30 pm when my son had to meet her at BART (she didn't take BART she just wanted to meet him there.. ) anyway he came home in a great mood and we didn't have the grumpy little boy as usual but a more loving little guy and very happy and giggly : ) that was the best thing !! with my daughter when she asks to be picked up from work (which is a 20 minute walk) we go pick her up with her car and make her drive it home.. eventually she's gotta get used to it!!! she has never said anything about feeling weird about the car.. so i dont know.. Yes, the stress of the friction with my kids and my husband does get to me sometimes.. I appreciate you asking and also listening !! I hope the situation with your son gets better.. : ( it sure is hard... we love our kids but we want them to get on with their lives. . . in a good way!! : ) God bless you abundantly T! I'll talk to you soon! hugs, Nonnie C

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Hi Nonnie C - I told you i'd be here for you, i meant i'd be here for you! i pm'd you and told you i had answered in the room, i guess you couldn't find it. well, now we have that worked out. as long as you want to write and dump and have someone to talk to, i'll be here. i am sort of worried about your dh taking his frustrations out on you, which is maybe a step up from taking them out on the kids or blowing up at them. i can also certainly see that he might get frustrated and seems to have a rather 'short fuse', too. bad combination. do you really love this guy? does he really love you? do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? i remember that you haven't been married a real long time. sorry, one of the things i don't have the option of doing without a big rigamarole is to look at your old posts and the one i'm writing at the moment. a kink in gp.c. if you do love him and want to be married to him forever, i want to share with you one of the things i learned years ago at ToughLove, which we were going to because of our son. one of the things they told me (and i read in their books) was that kids come and kids go -and if you're married and want to remain so, you need to understand that - AND that, in the end, it will be just you and your dh. kids will have moved on with their lives and you will be left trying to pick up the pieces of your lives together. my point is, your ds and dd will eventually meet people and get on with there lives - somewhere else. IF you want to remain with your dh (despite his faults such as we all have) - you're going to have to work at this. at least he his talking to you about it AND not going to your children with his frustrations and anger. there may come a time when it will become appropriate for him to talk to them directly with his ffeelings. i doubt it would help much for him to do it in anger, but with an explanation of his frustration. could he do that? do the two of you need some couple's couseling to work through some of this stuff? i remember you saying that their habits of getting things done in their own time never bothered you before, tho it does, him. i am more of your dh's personality, i'm afraid. if i SAY something that needs to be done, i really don't mean NEXT WEEK! my son is a guy who will be in his room watching a movie that can be paused until he goes back to it - but i'll go in and say, "dinner is about ready, please come in and help me get it on the table". he'll show up after dh and i are sitting together and putting the food in our mouths (without his help, obviously). he's not one to jump up and help or do something you ask. nonnie c, i've got to tell you that flies all over me! he actually pushes my buttons (and he knows them all) - by not doing what i ask, when i ask! could this be going on with your kids? or could your dh just be looking at it as if he THINKS that's what they are doing? i don't know, just a thought. i know that if he FEELS they are dragging their feet on things that seem to be important to him, they might as well be doing it because that's how he's going to feel. is there insurance, etc, for some couple counseling that might even get into bringing your kids in on it, eventually, also? i'm sure, when you got married, this wasn't how he envisioned things. i'm so glad that you got a happy little camper back from his time with his mom. does he say what they do together, for fun, etc - even the parts not so fun? the bottom line,tho is that HE is happy. that's worth a lot of putting up with. my guess is, as he grows, he'll sort of see through some of this 'mom' stuff - just make sure that none of it comes from you. the last thing ALL of you need to be doing is sort of running his mom down to him. i didn't ask you before - what sort of work do you do? is it flexible in case nicholas gets sick or something - or is that sort of stuff left to the dad? got to run work on dinner. hope to hear from you soon! hugs, tedy

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Hi! oh yes there is frustration.. things come and go with that.. and at the moment. . it's just ok.. I believe it will all work out with lots of prayer and I'm counting on that! Counseling may come along but not at this moment... we don't say anything mean about the baby's mom.. we ask questions and sometimes he answers and sometimes he gets frustrated.. last night i asked him where he stayed with mommmy and he said at Grandma's... interesting since she said her mother kicked her out.. i said who did you sleep with.. mommy.. and then there was some frustration.. so i dropped it.. I am very frustrated by his mother's lack of pride in how her son looks... she sends him back to us in the worst things.. like she's trying to say he has no clothes.. but we all know that is not the case.. maybe next year she will have trouble but not right now.... (his birthday and Christmas are together and he got lots of clothes from us and my sister) he goes there in pants and comes back in shorts (very small shorts).. we live in California.. i don't know where you are : ) but we live on the coast and she lives inland.. there is sometimes a 20 degree difference.. so she has all the long pants we need!!! It's frustrating! any way.. i'm kinda talked out about that all right now.. i'm running on fumes at work and home lol!! I work in a hospital and do have good amount of time off.. luckily Nicky is a healthy little boy except for his teeth which I may be taking some time off.. he has 11 cavities and they are going to put him out and fix it all at once.. it's not gonna be fun that's for sure.. : ( any ways i'll talk to you soon! Nonnie C

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hi nonnie c - it's good to hear from you! i'm so glad i'm not working any more. i'm sorry you're having so much to do. i remember it was rough on me, too. does your ds get involved with dealing with his ex or are you left to do it? i've heard this clothes thing before - it's a power struggle thing, i think, mostly. i hope he takes responsibiity of doing what is necessary. you don't need that on top of everything else you do. can HE get the clothes back that you need to have for him? i live in texas and here, we need those shorts here! sorry i didn't answer earlier. i've been kind of under the weather with my back. i'm waiting for x-ray results to see if they can find what's causing my pain. i apologize. it sounds as if - although things aren't all 'hunky-dory' at your house, you've got the best handle on them that you can. i enjoy hearing from you. is there anything i can help you with other than being an ear to listen? write whenever you have time. it's probably good for you. hugs - tedy

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