I so wish I could just skip the holiday's
Posted 08 November 2012 - 02:23 PM
So I've just gotten to the point where I'd just like to skip over these two months.
Posted 08 November 2012 - 03:58 PM
Posted 09 November 2012 - 01:57 AM
and no it isn't just about the gift's it's about when everything you do just will not satisfy someone, When everything you do is wrong guess it's just time to not do anymore!
I think you may have hit the answer, Justa! As for the gifts, I would say either don't get her anything for Christmas or just give her a general gift certficate that one can use anywhere. Or suggest that you think it's time for the adults to stop buying for each other and just get gifts for the kids. (Most families seem to come to that point, eventually, anyhow.) Even if they say, "Oh no, we enjoy buying for the adults, too!" I think you should tell them that this is your plan from now on (blame the economy). But you'd have to stick to it and not get anything for DS or any other AC (adult child) or CIL (child-in-law), either.
Posted 09 November 2012 - 01:05 PM
Posted 10 November 2012 - 10:30 AM
Regardless, unfortunately, ODIL could be one of those DILs who just, basically, don't want anything to do with their husband's parents and do whatever they can to drive them away. Or she could have some issues with you that she and/or ODS need to let you know about. Handling problems by whispers, dirty looks and gossip, obviously isn't the way to go.
Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:55 PM
Posted 10 November 2012 - 12:58 PM
Posted 18 November 2012 - 12:34 PM
Posted 18 November 2012 - 02:57 PM
If someone offends me, I tell them. If my son was whispering about me and giving me dirty looks, I'd ask him about it. If my DIL was doing the same, I'd ask her about it. If it was just my DIL, I wouldn't talk to my son about it. I'd go to the source. If I talked to him about her, it would be like going over the head of someone at work who offended me--the offender is the culprit, not the other person.
I have the right to feel that I matter. Being whispered about and given dirty looks doesn't make me feel I matter. It does the opposite. You have the right to feel you matter. Especially on occasions that are meant to be about caring for each other.
It's possible your DIL doesn't and will never like you, no matter what you do. That's a hard pill to swallow, since most people wish other people, especially those with a family connection, would like us. Sometimes we just have to accept things as they are and go on doing what we can so we don't get entangled in the frustration we feel and others feel too. A very wise person told me once, "don't let another's problems become yours."
Posted 18 November 2012 - 10:35 PM
I am so sorry that you have to endure this from your family. It just hurts to have people be ugly to you when you try to do good for them. I feel you have some good advice from above postings. You know that you have tried to do something good for her. Christmas should not be about what someone gets from someone else. It should be about what they can do for others. I may be wrong but I believe even if you gave her something that she wanted she would still be unhappy and hurtful. I hope you will just accept that she may never be happy with you until her heart changes. We can't change others' hearts. It is up to them to change themselves. We can only do what we can to change ourselves. I think that is what Kalana is saying is better than what I said. I just read her post again. Please be at peace in your decision in what to do.
Posted 19 November 2012 - 12:36 AM
Granted, as Kalana suggests, she may find some fault with whatever you give her but, at least, this way, it won't be as if you spent hours, looking through various stores or websites for the "perfect" gift, just to have it rejected. Please be prepared to just give it to her and not worry about her reaction. You'll know you've done the "right thing" by giving a gift and if she doesn't accept it graciously, that's on her.
But you say you've been "trying to figure out how to answer (her) latest email about Christmas." Do you feel comfortable enough with us to tell us what she said? I hope so. B/c maybe we can help you decide how to reply.
Posted 29 November 2012 - 05:58 AM
Posted 30 November 2012 - 02:03 PM
So they will be coming down the Sat before Christmas we shall see how that goes. If the whispering starts I will just tell her if it can't be said out loud for everyone to hear she needs to wait to they leave to tell ods what's on her mind. I don't know how she was raised but mine where raised not to whisper in front of people like that it is rude, (guess he's forgotten) yes you whisper at a funeral or in the library in church in places where you can't state something out loud.
If the cozying up to us just for presents is going to be a trend we shall see how this next year goes and how much we hear from them. Time will tell. I want to believe it's not that but the last few years it's kinda looking that way. One more chance
Posted 30 November 2012 - 02:30 PM
I would be awful to believe they're just coming to see you for the possibility of gifts. I tend to think it's more than that, and past awkwardness is making things still-awkward.
Since she told you some things she wanted, you have ideas! That's super. I'm hoping for a lovely holiday for you!
Posted 30 November 2012 - 03:03 PM
Posted 01 December 2012 - 11:47 AM
I'm glad you didn't respond any concerns DIL's may have expressed about your keeping up your traditions with YDS and YDIL. That's totally none of her business! Besides, you say you got that just from the "tone" of the email and it's so easy to misread "tone" when things are said in print. If she says anything about it at Christmas, IMO, you just need to tell her that you and they decided to maintain your old traditions and it's not up for evaluation. That you were happy to make changes necessary to suit them but the whole family isn't going to change it's plans just for one couple.
Hopefully, DIL will accept that, graciously. But I have to be honest and say that there's a chance she'll get mad and want to leave. Even so, I can't see letting everyone else be pressured into changing their traditions. But hopefully, you read her email wrong.
Also, I agree that you shouldn't answer that unless ODS is present. If DIL brings it up when he's not, I suggest either calling him into the room or finding a way to put off answering, even if it's "I don't want to get into that now" or, yes, suddenly having to go to the "little girl's room."
I'm also glad you plan to deal with the whispering. Again, DIL may get mad and insist on leaving (especially if she was never taught better). But there's only so much a person can take!
Regardless, I'm wishing you a very Merry Christmas!
Posted 01 December 2012 - 03:29 PM
Then things changed. Both of my parents and both of my husband's parents died in the course of 2 years. The members of both families split apart, both because of issues surrounding the deaths, and because it was time, since, really, how many people can one home hold at a holiday?? The sadness and anger of the first years after the deaths is resolved now, but we still don't get together as big groups. It's a blessing. I don't have to do what I always thought I "should" do for holidays. I don't have to compete. Really, I probably never had to anyway. Really, no one in my immediate family cares anyway. They just want to pig out on favorites and be together for the fun of it. I love to see faces when gifts are opened, so I still buy gifts, but if the buying bothered me, I'd stop. If someone didn't like what I gave, once, that person would get a gift card forever after, unless he or she specifically told me something that was wanted. Why in the world did I let myself put such pressure on myself? I was pretty foolish, and lots of my stress was all in my "shoulds."
What I'm saying to you is, examine yourself and your traditions here. What truly matters? Focus on that and let the other stuff go. If gifting gives you stress, don't do it, or do it simply. Draw names, give gift cards, give cookies or fudge to everyone, do what's fun for you to do, and let the rest go. Makes your specialty foods if you enjoy making them. If you don't feel what you do is giving the joy you intend it to give, don't do it. It's not worth the stress to you to continue it, is it?