ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO MEND THINGS?
Posted 15 November 2012 - 05:42 PM
Posted 15 November 2012 - 06:01 PM
She also included comments about my DM that really pushed me over the edge, something to the effect of “how can you allow that a woman who is not even a relative to you be around my grandchild”…
Just to clarify - does DM here indicate YOUR MOTHER? As in "Dear Mother"? If so, my answer is going to be a big whopping NO on the making amends part. I'm going to venture to say that maybe she thought that after the time out things would go back to "normal" rather than "new normal". Meaning - she expected everything to go back to the way things were before rather than you expecting her to make any changes, vocalize her apologies etc. You will have to make it clear that things are going to be very different (if you haven't already)
Posted 15 November 2012 - 06:15 PM
Posted 15 November 2012 - 06:48 PM
Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:14 PM
TOP ISSUES WITH HER ARE: does not show respect at all towards us as a couple, parents and individuals! Over steps boundaries and is difficult to pleased! …wait I take that back she would be pleased if I handed over my LO and DH to her and left the country! J However she expects respect at ALL TIMES, she feels she has a say in everything because she is GM and DS mom, does not feel that she has to check in with us regarding our LO, she should have the honor to do whatever she please with NO restrictions. When DH did express his concerns about why he has not had any communication with her and what he would need to change she tells him “I am not your child and his issues are insignificant”
Is completely incompatible with:
“I just want to love my grandchild and have a relationship” not that I want to repair what I have don’t or I’m sorry you feel this way, I will work on it.
And I don't really see how you can be expected to "make" her realize that, nor do I think it's reasonable to expect you to maintain a relationship with her, and certainly not your LO if she does not respect your rules. I guess it's back into a TO with her while she thinks a little more about whether she wants the first thing ("respect" no rules, etc) or the second thing (love, a relationship) more. Ultimately it's up to her.
Posted 15 November 2012 - 07:30 PM
"Make things right" means Things are only right when I'm in charge. Just let me wrangle my way to be in charge of you and I will stop having to argue with you about getting control.
"Do whatever it takes to have a relationship with our family" means Do whatever it takes to have the control of your family I deserve.
"I am not your child and his issues are insignificant" means you are my child, you are A child, as my son you should be the one doing as I say not the other way around. Your issues are insignicant compared to my wants as your Mother. Your so-called concerns are merely whims that should not interfere with my Rights.
"Respect" means Obedience, deference, subservience, indulgence.
“I just want to love my grandchild and have a relationship" means I just want to control your child and make decisions for him as I see fit and you won't let me have that relationship.
"your fault things are the way they are, you treat me like a bystander because you didn’t allow me to change his diaper..." means Its your fault for refusing to acknowledge my position as above you or at the least as a co-parent to LO
"...give me more time to visit him." means Its your fault due to your failure to recognize your wishes must automatically be subjugated in favor of mine
"When you did asked me to watch him while you and YOUR WIFE was going out you left me with 3 hours of play time before the kid would have gone to bed….not fair," means Any time you and YOUR WIFE THAT WOMAN WHO DIDN"T EVEN GIVE BIRTH TO YOU AS I DID fail to give me what I want as much as I want it's not fair because naturally it is only fair for me to be entitled to have whatever I want for as long as I want.
"I would have liked more time and I think my feelings are NORMAL, you have yet to accept my apology" means My feelings are very important and every one must be expressed to you and indulged so if I want more and I am mad I don't get more then I get to throw up my bad feelings all over you and it's your job to clean them up
"how can you allow that a woman who is not even a relative to you be around my grandchild" means How dare you treat yet another female rival, YOUR WIFE'S mother, as if that woman is of any importance to my grandchild, the child I have marked as my territory. Son, you gave that lady something of mine to play with, how dare you, Wahhhhh.
Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:11 PM
Posted 15 November 2012 - 08:39 PM
Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:46 PM
Blue eye girl ” is there some reason why your mother wouldn't be around your child that I'm missing or is this particular brand of cray cray?” Not at all my mother stays pretty much to herself, doing her own thing. She rarely says anything about our parenting or our marriage. So yes she is cray cray J
That's what I figured - just wanted to cover all of the bases ;-)
Posted 15 November 2012 - 10:48 PM
Posted 16 November 2012 - 08:38 AM
A part of me almost feels sorry for her. She really "doesn't get it," IMO and probably can't understand what's happening. But another part of me is irritated with her for not, apparently, even trying to let go of DH sooner or to see your and his POV. She may be able to, eventually, but I'm afraid it's going to take a long time. B/c though I said I think a lot of moms/parents have this problem, she seems, I'm afraid, to be more wedded to her POV than most. And the fact that she doesn't see that your DM is as important a part of your family's life as DH's DM (her) and "as related" to LO as she is - all that tells me her thiking on these issues is really skewered. I wouldn't be cmfortable about having her around LO!
So, like PPs, I'm afraid I'm hoping MIL is back in TO. Perhaps - hopefully - as Eowyn suggests, if she "thinks a little more" about the problem, she'll begin to see what she needs to change and be willing to do so.
Posted 16 November 2012 - 04:11 PM
A part of me almost feels sorry for her. She really "doesn't get it," IMO and probably can't understand what's happening.
I no longer feel sorry for most of the older moms who "don't get it" when they've been repeatedly told how things actually are. They "don't get it" because they don't WANT to "get it." If that sounds harsh and condemning, well, then that's what it is. Such a lack of introspection, humility, respect, and a whole raft of other qualities necessary to form functioning relationships during adulthood-- that lack is entirely of their own doing, and completely under their own control.
Posted 19 November 2012 - 12:40 AM
Posted 19 November 2012 - 03:00 AM
Posted 20 November 2012 - 07:09 PM
Posted 21 November 2012 - 07:27 PM
It was interesting to find out that FIL did not know how MIL was behaving or the emails she was sending. His involvement has really put a lid on a lot of the more dramatic stuff.
Posted 23 November 2012 - 07:43 PM
Posted 26 November 2012 - 10:12 PM
Posted 27 November 2012 - 05:51 PM