13 replies to this topic

[GrandMel]

My son is expecting his first child in the Spring of 2013 - The mother wants the middle name to be her deceased fathers name. I think that is fine and such an honor to her father. My son is wanting the first name to be that of his father. A father who was absent, cruel and mean. The last 3 times he saw his father over an 8 year period was when there was a death on his father's side. Yes, we had a bitter divorce. When he told me the name I felt like I had been shot. His father has done nothing honorable to deserve this. My family (sisters, etc.) were speachless. What are your opinions on this and am I feeling wrong? I have considered not being involved at all. I am in so much pain that I don't think my son realizes what this has done to me. He says it's because he likes the name but I am not buying it. And yes, my son knows how cruel his father is and what he put both of us through. Your thoughts, opinions, advice is welcome. Thanks

[SueSTx]

My two youngest sisters each have a name after my fathers mother. Mother never got along with her MIL, but she still used these names. It hasn't had any effect on my sisters what so ever.

If your son really 'just' likes the name I can see him using it, but I can also see you chringing everytime you call the baby by this name.

Just remember, that your grandchild had absolutely nothing to do in choosing this name and do not let that effect the way you interact with the baby.

You still have several months before the baby is born, and many times friends of mine took one look at the newborn and completely changed their minds on a name.

Hopefully this will all work itself out without any hard feelings on anyones part.

[Sunshine1002]

I'll never understand why GPs get all bent out of shape over their GKs names?

Not your child, not your choice.

MIL had an uncalled for tantrum over a standing tradition in my family. Each male gets my Grandfathers first name as their middle name. This is a very common name, so common its my FILs middle name. She hats my FIL and has never gotten over their divorce, bitter doesn't begin to explain it.

She couldn't understand why Id want to use THAT name for HER grandson. Now all THREE of MY children have that middle name. She doesn't know 2 of those children.

[GrandMel]

I'll never understand why GPs get all bent out of shape over their GKs names?

Not your child, not your choice.

MIL had an uncalled for tantrum over a standing tradition in my family. Each male gets my Grandfathers first name as their middle name. This is a very common name, so common its my FILs middle name. She hats my FIL and has never gotten over their divorce, bitter doesn't begin to explain it.

She couldn't understand why Id want to use THAT name for HER grandson. Now all THREE of MY children have that middle name. She doesn't know 2 of those children.

I cannot expect you to understand when you were not in my or my son's shoes. His father physically, mentally, financially and emotionally abusued us. There is more to it. My son said he is not naming his child after his father even though they will both have the same first name. I don't buy it. 1 + 1 = 2 You can't change certain things because his answer just doesn't add up.

[GrandMel]

Maybe your son wants to use the name as a statement over what he wished had been the case, in hopes for better.

How will your son know how you feel if you don't tell him? Maybe he never thought it would be hurtful. I bet you a nickel he isn't doing it to hurt you.

Maybe your son wants to use the name as a statement over what he wished had been the case, in hopes for better.

How will your son know how you feel if you don't tell him? Maybe he never thought it would be hurtful. I bet you a nickel he isn't doing it to hurt you.

I cannot expect you to understand when you were not in my or my son's shoes. His father physically, mentally, financially and emotionally abusued us. There is more to it. My son said he is not naming his child after his father even though they will both have the same first name. I don't buy it. 1 + 1 = 2 You can't change certain things because his answer just doesn't add up. PS - My son well knows the hurt this will cause

[GrandMel]

My two youngest sisters each have a name after my fathers mother. Mother never got along with her MIL, but she still used these names. It hasn't had any effect on my sisters what so ever.

If your son really 'just' likes the name I can see him using it, but I can also see you chringing everytime you call the baby by this name.

Just remember, that your grandchild had absolutely nothing to do in choosing this name and do not let that effect the way you interact with the baby.

You still have several months before the baby is born, and many times friends of mine took one look at the newborn and completely changed their minds on a name.

Hopefully this will all work itself out without any hard feelings on anyones part.

I cannot expect you to understand when you were not in my or my son's shoes. His father physically, mentally, financially and emotionally abusued us. There is more to it. My son said he is not naming his child after his father even though they will both have the same first name. I don't buy it. 1 + 1 = 2 You can't change certain things because his answer just doesn't add up.
There will be hard feelings. My son knows this is hurting me and why. I believe he has been convinced this will make up for his father being cruel and spiteful and absent from his life. My son should not have to reach out to his father. It should be the other way around.

[Sunshine1002]

Most people I know don't choose names for their kids based upon how the name will make other people feel.

As hard as it will be, this is just something you are going to have to get over and accept if you'd like to be apart of your GKs lives.

To this very day my MIL hates the fact all 3 of my kids share a name w/my FIL. Her loss as she chose not to get over it.

[Eowyn]

As a coping strategy, since I agree with above posters that you should remember that your grandson is not your XH no matter what his name is, can you google the name and come up with a bunch of people you DO admire and tell yourself that is who he's named after? I.e. if its James, can you tell yourself it's after James Madison the founding father? I know it's weak, but if that is going to be the babeis name, you owe it to yourself to come up with another association.

Also, I wonder if your son isn't doing this in some way to "make up for" the childhood he didn't get. I know a lot of children of abusive parents who idolize the abuser after the fact, emotionally, even though intellectually they know he was a bad person and would never have contact with him. Remember that all the pain you have from the past, your son has too, and that he may be dealing with it in a way that is *different* from you but that doesn't make it better or worse.

I think it would be a shame if your relationship with your son survived a rough childhood and abusive husband and then broke down over a name.

[tia2grandma]

GM Grandparents I had the same issue abt naming our grandson who by the way is a Thanksgiving Baby just like me and boy was I shocked when in the end she named him after me all that fussing and fighting for nothing! Good luck

[TNBebah]

I know that you are in pain over this. Who knows the real reason your son has? Only he does. In order to have a relationship with your grandson you are going to have to put those bad memories aside. I will tell you that holding that tiny new born baby is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It's as wonderful as they say. And you get to go home and get a good nights sleep!

[rosered135]

GrandMel, I so feel for you! I totally understand that you "felt like (you) had been shot" when you first heard the name. A GM, myself, I've never had this problem, but I'm guessing that it must feel as if he's, somehow, rejecting you or denying all the pain you and he have been through! If there are any other issues between you, I know you may suspect he's doing it for spite. But that's not the impression I'm getting from you. Instead, it seems to me as if you just believe he's so determined to reach out to his father that he's not giving any thought to your feelings. And while I get what PPs are saying about your not having a say in the name, I can see where this choice would shock and hurt you (and so, I'm sure, can most of the PPs). This isn't just a matter of a GP not caring for a certain name or wanting a specific name, only to find that the parents say "No." This is a name that sets off all kinds of bad memories and painful emotions. Hopefully, something in our words can make it easier for you.... IDK...

Like you, I don't believe for a minute that your son is doing this just b/c he "likes the name." There are too many other associations attached to it for my to buy that. If he's doing it to "reach out to his father," as you suggest, though, IMO, it's as much sad as hurtful - maybe more so. As Eowyn said, unfortuantely, many abused children "idolize" the abusive parent. Perhaps your son feels that, somehow, this will make everything "ok" and "normal" between him and his dad. A part of him may still be waiting for that "Atta boy!" or whatever that I'm sure he never got. Of course, you and I know he still won't get it but... My eyes are filling with tears just thinking about it (TG for the Edit Button or this post would be full of typos)! I know that only time - and the joy of that new baby - can truly erase your pain, if anything. But perhaps if you could focus a little more on the sad reasons your son may be doing this, your compassion for him would overtake your own pain and make it easier to accept his choice.

Then again, it might be a form of denial - but one that, if you don't mind, makes my heart ache even more for him, as well as you. B/c he may be doing it to make it seem/feel as if everything is all right between him and his father - to kind of minimize or try to wipe out the past hurts and present himself to new friends, etc., as if he had a "normal" childhood with a "normal" father. Being able to say, in effect, "This is my son, he's named X, after my dad" may mean the world to him. And that's sad, also, b/c, no matter what your son says, you and I both know, it's coming from a place of pain. Here again, perhaps thinking a little more about what your son is feeling might help you to more further away from your own hurt.

Whatever needs he's expressing here, GrandMel, I'm sorry to have to say, but they may be so overwhelming that he can't factor your feelings in, at the moment. Not that he doesn't care about them, but that he's all consumed with his own. After all, knowing that he's going to be "the dad' now may be having a major effect on him - more so than any of us can begin to understand. And when one considers the reason, well, that's sad, too.

But I agree with TNB that none of us, not even you, can, necessarily, "know the real reason your son has." Regardless of that, though he may know his decision will hurt you, I agree with Kalana that he, most likely, "isn't doing it to hurt you" (italics mine).

No, I don't think you're "feeling wrong" - you're reaction is understandable, IMO, and you can't help what you feel. But I'm not sure to what degree you should act on those emotions. Nor am I sure what you mean when you say you've "considered not being involved at all." With the name? As PPs have pointed out, you're really not supposed to be involved with that, no matter how you feel about the choice. With the baby? Well, it's up to you, of course, but I hope you don't decide that. Why deprive both yourelf and the baby of a GM/GC relationship b/c of a name choice? A choice that baby didn't make and a name, that as Sue says, has nothing to do with him or who he'll be as a person?

Ok, I'm guessing you're thinking about staying out of their lives b/c hearing/saying that name will hurt you. But I think it's way too soon to make that decision (I realize you said you're only "considering" it). As Sue suggests, you still have some months to process this. And as TNB says, "holding" that baby will be a "wonderful feeling" - enough, IMO, to make everything else fade away. Even just seeing him may do that, as Sue suggests. Perhaps you need to back away a bit, for now, to deal with your feelings. But please don't rush to decide to make that permanent.

Please keep us posted on what you're thinking and feeling. Sending you many virtual hugs!

[Ginnie]

When he told me the name I felt like I had been shot. His father has done nothing honorable to deserve this.

A good solution is, you name your children what you want and you leave it to other people to name their children what they want. A very healthy boundary.

When he told me the name I felt like I had been shot. His father has done nothing honorable to deserve this. ... I am in so much pain that I don't think my son realizes what this has done to me... I have considered not being involved at all.

Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But when they make you unhappy or uncomfortable, that means you have unresolved issues. That you feel so strongly about this issue that you would ignore your grandchild, and by extension your own child, that's a huge red flag.

This isn't something your son is DOING TO YOU. It has nothing to do with you. You are making it about you for some reason. Go find out what that reason is and resolve it in a healthy manner, because not resolving it will lose you an important part of your family. Do you really want to be alone and ignorant of what your child and grandchild are doing, do you really want to deprive yourself of love and memories because of a NAME? Years of love and memories and cheat yourself so severely because you won't deal with your divorce?

Also, if your son says he's naming his child for someone else other than his father, then that's what he's doing. You are calling him a liar. This is what your unwillingness to deal with your divorce residue is leading you to.

Your feelings are neither right or wrong, but what you do about them matters. Consider professional help, you'll be happier. You don't need this old baggage.

Consider this too: what if your son names HIS child what you want---and then the child turns out to look like his paternal grandfather? You need to learn better ways of coping with old hurts.

[tedybearnana]

Has anyone noticed that Grandmel hasn't posted since Nov 25th? I'm not sure she was really ready to hear anything from any of us after she posted. Everyone seems to have been trying to be helpful in their own way and I do appreciate that;no one was hateful. i just feel she's stopped posting on the subject, so I think we can let it go.