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RoseRed135

Are YOU a Longdistance Grandparent?

232 posts in this topic

Do you live far from any or all of your GC (grandchildren)? If so, what do you see as the plusses of your situation, if any? The minuses?

Or if your kids have LDGPs (longdistance grandparents) what do you see as the benefits and/or drawbacks of that scenario?

Please post your reply below. It can be long or short and please feel free to share any other thoughts you have on the topic.

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rosered, really good question. At the moment, I'm currently in the same State as my four GCs (farthest being hour and a half away.) But I've been clear across the country from them before. And as close to having my son, DIL, and two eldest GCs living with me for a year (that was so fun!!) That plus was I would eat dinner with them, sing them a bedtime song, and kiss them good night :)

To me it's more of connection to them vs distance. I do have to agree that it's much easier to jump in the car and see the GCs that are 15 min. away. And I see them twice a week -- once for church and once just for play dates with the mom. I do love Skyping with all of them though. And it's different with the age of the GCs, it's easier to hold a conversation with a 7 yr old vs a 10 month old :)

My eldest GC knits, so that's a connection we have because when she comes over she can raid my yarn stash. (last year she knit me a scarf she had made from some of the yarn.) The 2yr old loves music so we make up songs and play instruments together.

Alot of kids have access to the internet now, so I continue to try to find ways to connect that way. My most recent thought is a phone app that we can play word games while she learns to spell. Another is reading them a bed time story.

I'd be curious on any other GPs ways to connect with their GCs over long distance.

So to me it's the infamous quality vs quantity dilemma.......

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I am a long distance Grandparent. I live on one side of the country, they live on the opposite side. We only see each other twice a year when I fly out.

Minuses: Very far away. Children are under the age of three so we are strangers each time for the first 30 minutes. Can't just call and run over to see them for a short while. Make week long connections but it's only for a week. Don't really have a relationship with the grands yet. Too young. I stink at remembering the correct time to call and skype. The best time for them is in the middle of my work day and I teach. I can't just take a few minutes off to call or skype. I can't help when they are sick. I can't help when DIL or DS is sick. When they just need a hand I'm just too far away to be of any use.

Pluses: Not any when it comes to building a relationship with grands. But......I am not in the direct line of fire of DS and DIL when things don't go well. Grands do seem to remember me after about thirty minutes. This last trip was the first time my 2 1/2 yr. grand seemed to remember me for real. He went and got a toy that we had played with alot 6 months earlier. He also remembered the cuddles. The last two times I was there my son has come downstairs in the morning while my GS and I were piled on the sofa wrapped in a blanket watching TV. He said my GS never cuddled with them in the mornings. He cuddles with me every time so that makes me feel realy special. I get to be with my GSs for 24 hours a day for 5 days each time. It is awesome!!!!!!! I slept in the room with my youngest GS so I got to cuddle him in the middle of the night when he woke up.

All in all I have lemonade from lemons. One of these days my GSs will be old enough to spend a week or so here with us. I look forward to that day.

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Very thought-provoking posts, ladies! Thank you!

I know there must be other LDGPs on this site! Hopefully, more of you will join in this conversation...

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I have 3 gc living with me and sometimes wish I were a LDGP!! I also have a gd that is 8 hrs away and I am lucky if I see her once a yr!!!Minus-- you never realy get to know her as a person-- I see pics of her and see she is growing but what is her fav colors, foods ,clothes--none of that-- pluses-- well I am not sure there are any so I will have to get back at a later date--- There is lot of turmoil as the LDGC is not raised the same as the ones living here so she really doesn't know what is expected and by the time she figures it out its time for her to go back home-- We keep contact now on FB and texting and she will be visiting this yr between Christmas and New yr for about 2 wks and its nice when she does as I set a little money back and take her Christmas shopping for 1 or 2 thngs she didnt get as gifts with her mom and then we have christmas dinner and gifts for her and the other gc but its limited to 2 things just so they celebrate together-- gifts for the gc no adults included!!! Otherwise we mail gifts and hope she likes them and lucky if we ever hear a thank you!!!eight

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Eight, I know you've mentioned your LDGC b4, on these boards, but I'm so used to hearing about the ones who live with you, that I often forget you have another one, living further away. How old is she compared to the other kids?

Regardless, I'm glad she gets to visits and spend some time with you, DH and her cousins, even though there are some adjustment problems when she comes. No doubt, she will have many fond memories of those visits and already does! I'm also glad you get to keep in touch with her via FB and texting - modern technology has its advantages! Granted, I'm sorry that you don't usually get "thank yous" for gifts that you mail but, if she's little, of course, that's not her fault. And if she's a teen, well, if she wasn't taught to write them, then it's not really her fault, either. (If she was taught and just doesn't do it, right now, no doubt, that will change when she's older.) I'm sure she enjoys your company, your gifts and everything else or she wouldn't keep in touch!

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I also am a long distance nana, but I have been kept at an arms length away from my 3 grandsons all of their life. I send them birthday cards with a check every birthday and never receive a thank you call back. I send them advent calendars at Christmas and never hear a thank you from any of them. This needs to be taught by the parents to do so. I am almost to the point to stop sending money and just send a card to each of them. I don't even know if they know that I send it. When I go to visit you can tell that they are told not to come near me or give me hugs, they are just very cold towards me and my son is not like that towards me and was not raised that way. He is very affectionate, especially to me. I don't want to cause trouble so I just keep my mouth shut. These three little boys are strangers to me. I have asked if they could come one at a time to visit with me for a week during the summer and my DIL refused my request. I don't know what more I can do. I never held these boys while they were babies, was never allowed to babysit for them, it is like I don't even exist in their lives. I am tired of crying over this and I refuse to make myself sick. My DIL has even unfriended me on facebook so that I no longer get updates on my grandchildren and their activities. I don't believe my son even knows any of this is going on.

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I am a long distance grandma but fortunately see the kiddos on average of once a month for 2 or 3 days at a time.  It was really hard when I realized that I would never see them on a daily basis and that they would not visit our home very often.   We had equipped our home with crib, playpen, high chair, bath tub, racecar toddler bed, and plenty of toys but as their other gma says, it is a lot harder to pack up the kids and come for a visit than for us to pack up and go see them. It is a 7 hr drive!

 

I still remember the ache in my heart when our oldest grandson announced that he would come visit about one time a year when he grew up.  He was only 6 at the time!  I started envisioning my life as so bleak and lonely. :cray:

 

About every other year we go to DisneyWorld and stay in a separate condo for a few days so we can enjoy funtimes and make memories with our son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren.  They have their privacy and whew, we are grateful for ours at the end of a long day.  They go every year for a couple of weeks.  My grandsons were delighted when our son assured them that gma would ride roller coasters, so yes, I will ride whatever they want me to ride!   This year will be the first time that I will be able to ride roller coasters with our granddaughter so I know I will be kept busy. 

 

By my calculations, we have perhaps another 5 years before we are not 'cool enough' to hang with the grandkids so I plan to make sure there are plenty of memories packed away even if we are long distance grandparents.

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@ gardening - Sorry I didn't see this earlier! I see you haven't been here, in a while, but if and when you come back, I hope you see this. Welcome to this group! I've talked to you elsewhere so all I'll say here is that I'm so deeply sorry that your relationship with your son has gone downhill and that your grandpareneting experience has so disappointed you. However, I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share your sorrows with us here.

 

@gmafaye - Welcome! And though I can see you'd love to live closer to your GC, how wonderful that you see them as often as you do! Also, how delightful that you get to share the Disney experience with them, every year! You sound like a fun GM! I think it's great that you're so proactive about creating good memories - and that DS (dear son) and DIL give you the leeway to do so! :)

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I am trying to put together a website that is focused on ideas and opportunities to help GP's be able to relate to GC from afar. I noticed one GP posting has experienced the lack of recognition from the young GC. I plan to use technology to create animated cartoons from photo's that can be created for them to relate to. Think about it, I bet you remember exactly what Deputy Dog looks like even though you haven't seen him for many years, or even decades. I see from the Grand Inspirations that GP's really make a difference and GP's can really help in these times when parenting is not as strong as it should be if they can just find a way around the obstacles of distance, physical ability, and even internal resistance. As GP's, we should not be discouraged as there are some great tools to use to get around these obstacles today even for the computer illiterate. It can also be a rewarding task to try to find new and better ways to show your children and GC that you care and are willing to go the distance to prove it. Would you be a cartoon character that takes your GC for a virtual venture to ride theme park rides, sail off on a magic carpet to distant lands, or be a hip-hop dancer? I have and it has brought me so much closer to my GC. Other family tools that work are bribery! Yes, you can't bribe officials but you can bribe your family members! The best part is that it works. Custom bribes are easy now especially with gift cards directed towards certain interests. Another innovation for communication is the 'one way communication' tool. An audio or visual message can be created and delivered that can't be interrupted, argued with, or taken out of context that may help clarify intentions, or create challenges for reward to young and old. The adults are usually the ones that need a reality check on stubbornness and pride which are not as important as our GC well being in a changing world. We have so much to offer that can make a difference but have to find the inlet to be able to help. Once upon a time, I met this GP couple that were so downhearted that I could not resist asking what was so serious. They had a disagreement with their son a year ago and had tried in every way they knew to contact their GC to no avail. The parents blocked every attempt and even had restraining orders put in place. I even tried to liaison for them but was told to butt out. I helped them find solution with a billboard on their GC's school bus route that they rented inexpensively and had their GC's picture and a message that they loved them. It took a few months but I see them all the time now out with their GC enjoying life. They smile at me with a smile and a tear that no words can say any better, and I know I did a good thing. I hope I, or we, can find ways to make it a better place for family and establish values in our youth. Thoughts?

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Do you live far from any or all of your GC (grandchildren)? If so, what do you see as the plusses of your situation, if any? The minuses?

Or if your kids have LDGPs (longdistance grandparents) what do you see as the benefits and/or drawbacks of that scenario?

Please post your reply below. It can be long or short and please feel free to share any other thoughts you have on the topic.

 

Do you live far from any or all of your GC (grandchildren)? If so, what do you see as the plusses of your situation, if any? The minuses?

Or if your kids have LDGPs (longdistance grandparents) what do you see as the benefits and/or drawbacks of that scenario?

Please post your reply below. It can be long or short and please feel free to share any other thoughts you have on the topic.

 

Right now, I can only see drawbacks.  Hopeful that will change. My daughter and SIL just visited me.  They live near where she and I grew up.  My SIL is from mid-west, we are from NE (high strung, high ambitions).  Her father and I have not been together for approx. 15 years.  This has caused great havoc throughout the years in her life and in my son's. When I was staying w/ her and her husband over the holidays, they told me they were expecting their second child.  This month, they came to vacation where I retired to.  They rented a house w/ his mother and brother.  His father passed away a couple of years ago.  My daughter was (is) sick from pregnancy.  She was giving herself IV fluids 2x a day due to her inability to drink at all. She is now off IV.  She is a physician, with school loans well over $100K.   Her MIL not only did not offer to help w/ their 2 year old, nor did my SIL's brother, but upon leaving told my daughter and her son that if they needed help to hire someone.  My SIL supported his Mom in this, much to my daughter's dismay.  I am not living near them because I was forced out of my teaching position due to budget issues in my state. No income, no money to support myself.  She and my SIL are now awaiting a call from a realtor to let them know if their offer on a house will be accepted.  My daughter is beside herself with the thought of facing work, taking her medical Boards, house hunting/moving, parenting a 2 year old and her difficult pregnancy.  I can't help financially.  My  SIL and daughter are in a precarious situation.   I wasn't allowed to have my GS stay w/ me while they were here to give them a break. My partner (boyfriend still sounds very strange to me at my age) and I here had bought all necessities and toys to do so. Is there a way for me to help my daughter w/o my SIL being offended? She is at the point of tears frequently.  I'd appreciate any suggestions.  Thanks. 

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Oh GrandmaPC, I so feel for you! Your love and concern for your DD (dear daughter) comes through your post! It sounds as if she has been confiding in you, so that suggests you have a close relationship. Yet, it must make it all the more frustrating not to be able to help her out! And just when you're having troubles of your own, which I'm very sorry to hear!

 

I'm also sorry DD is having such a difficult pregnancy. And that neither her MIL or BIL was willing to help with the 2-yr-old while she and SIL were visiting. If I were MIL, I would have been only to happy to help! And I can understand DD's surprise and disappointment when MIL wouldn't and SIL stood by her (MIL), instead of DD/his wife.

 

Granted, there's no rule that says a MIL/ GM (grandmother) or any other relative "has to" help out with childcare, regardless. You (general) would think that under the circumstances, they would, especially, but they don't "have to," even if the parents are staying in their home. While it would have been nicer for MIL and BIL to help out, there's no harm, IMO, in hiring a "nanny" or "mother's helper," etc. when visiting someone else' home, as long as the hosts are ok with that - and clearly, MIL and BIL were - and if they can afford it, which perhaps they can't (you suggest they "are in a precarious situation," financially).  I'm just sorry that this issue wasn't discussed and worked out b4 the visit. But, I guess none of them thought of that. Unfortunately, people often don't.

 

SIL may have realized all  this and that may be why he supported his mom, instead of DD. I just hope he  took care of the 2-yr-old, as much as possible. In fact... is it possible that he stood with MIL b/c he felt his help should be enough? Or was it a lack of effort on his  part, that led DD to turn to MIL and BIL?

 

I'm not sure how much you can, actually, help her, ordinarily, since you don't live near each other and "can't help financially." But I'm wondering why you weren't "allowed to have (your) GS stay w/" you when they were visiting nearby? Can you elaborate?

 

Also, you seem to feel that SIL will be "offended" if you help DD, in any way. Why is that?

 

Please forgive me for asking so many questions. And, of course, you don't have to answer all - or any - of them, if you'd rather not. But it seems to me as if there's some sort of disconnect between DD and SIL and that's what I'm trying to get at.  For example, if she's not into moving, right now, why is she doing it? And if it's too stressful for her to deal with all these events, at once, (I know it would have been for me when I was a young wife and mome), has she thought about cutting some of them out? For instance, can she put her career on hold, for a while? Have you made any such suggestions and if so, what was her response?

 

Or perhaps she's just venting? I don't blame you for being her sounding board - She's your DD, you love her and, especially under the circumstances, I know you're not going to tell her that it's hard for you to handle hearing about all these problems if you can't do anything about it. You would have every right to ask her not to spill out so many details to you but I know you don't want to. Maybe the best thing you can "do for" her is just to listen, offer sympathy ("my poor darling!") and a suggestion, here and there (but please accept it if she rejects an idea and don't mention it again).

 

But perhaps you have some other kind of help in mind? Please get back to us soon and fill us in some more. Meanwhile, so glad you brought your concerns to us. My thoughts and prayers (if that's ok) are with you, your DD, her unborn child and the rest of her family, too...

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I'm not a long distance grandparent, but my kids were long distance grandkids, back before the cell phone age and free long distance minutes, email and Skype...heck even those books you can record yourself reading.  There was a 10 to 12 year period there where I and the kids never were able to make a trip to visit them, but they would make that 10 hour drive three or four times a year.

 

When the kids started to school, they made a point to attend at least one school activity each year.  My ILs lived three miles away and only ever attended graduations.

 

Physical distance really didn't have anything to do with the relationship my parents had with my kids.  The few times they did see each other each year, were full of fun things.  I can remember my Dad watching Men in Black with the kids when they were in high school.  He never made a comment during the whole movie.  Afterwards, he blinked his eyes (a sure sign that he was giving a topic much thought) and said..."I'd never would thought Tommy Jones would have been in a show like that, but it wasn't bad."  High marks for my dad.  ILs would have got up and left the room at the first sign of an alien.

 

With all the technology available today, knowing your grandkids will be much easier than it was for my two.  Actually, when DS was picking a college, he chose to be closer to my parents than to us because he wanted a chance to really get to know them before 'it was too late'.  They all three enjoyed that year tremendously...Mom was the one to do his laundry and sent back leftover deserts on Sunday afternoons.  My DD/SIL scheduled their vacations for the week of granddaughters first Bday to be at my parents house.  They were unable to travel great distances by then and she wanted they to get to know their daughter.  GD is nine now, and there has only been one summer they didn't go to visit my Mother.

 

Closeness can be achieved even when great distances are involved if all parties are open to making it happen.

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Beautiful post, Sue!

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Oh GrandmaPC, I so feel for you! Your love and concern for your DD (dear daughter) comes through your post! It sounds as if she has been confiding in you, so that suggests you have a close relationship. Yet, it must make it all the more frustrating not to be able to help her out! And just when you're having troubles of your own, which I'm very sorry to hear!

 

I'm also sorry DD is having such a difficult pregnancy. And that neither her MIL or BIL was willing to help with the 2-yr-old while she and SIL were visiting. If I were MIL, I would have been only to happy to help! And I can understand DD's surprise and disappointment when MIL wouldn't and SIL stood by her (MIL), instead of DD/his wife.

 

Granted, there's no rule that says a MIL/ GM (grandmother) or any other relative "has to" help out with childcare, regardless. You (general) would think that under the circumstances, they would, especially, but they don't "have to," even if the parents are staying in their home. While it would have been nicer for MIL and BIL to help out, there's no harm, IMO, in hiring a "nanny" or "mother's helper," etc. when visiting someone else' home, as long as the hosts are ok with that - and clearly, MIL and BIL were - and if they can afford it, which perhaps they can't (you suggest they "are in a precarious situation," financially).  I'm just sorry that this issue wasn't discussed and worked out b4 the visit. But, I guess none of them thought of that. Unfortunately, people often don't.

 

SIL may have realized all  this and that may be why he supported his mom, instead of DD. I just hope he  took care of the 2-yr-old, as much as possible. In fact... is it possible that he stood with MIL b/c he felt his help should be enough? Or was it a lack of effort on his  part, that led DD to turn to MIL and BIL?

 

I'm not sure how much you can, actually, help her, ordinarily, since you don't live near each other and "can't help financially." But I'm wondering why you weren't "allowed to have (your) GS stay w/" you when they were visiting nearby? Can you elaborate?

 

Also, you seem to feel that SIL will be "offended" if you help DD, in any way. Why is that?

 

Please forgive me for asking so many questions. And, of course, you don't have to answer all - or any - of them, if you'd rather not. But it seems to me as if there's some sort of disconnect between DD and SIL and that's what I'm trying to get at.  For example, if she's not into moving, right now, why is she doing it? And if it's too stressful for her to deal with all these events, at once, (I know it would have been for me when I was a young wife and mome), has she thought about cutting some of them out? For instance, can she put her career on hold, for a while? Have you made any such suggestions and if so, what was her response?

 

Or perhaps she's just venting? I don't blame you for being her sounding board - She's your DD, you love her and, especially under the circumstances, I know you're not going to tell her that it's hard for you to handle hearing about all these problems if you can't do anything about it. You would have every right to ask her not to spill out so many details to you but I know you don't want to. Maybe the best thing you can "do for" her is just to listen, offer sympathy ("my poor darling!") and a suggestion, here and there (but please accept it if she rejects an idea and don't mention it again).

 

But perhaps you have some other kind of help in mind? Please get back to us soon and fill us in some more. Meanwhile, so glad you brought your concerns to us. My thoughts and prayers (if that's ok) are with you, your DD, her unborn child and the rest of her family, too...

Rosered - Wish I could elaborate on why I wasn't able to have my GS stay w/ me.  I don't have an answer to that because I haven't posed the question.  Felt doing so would have put my D in a position to defend SIL's stance on his mother's views of Gparenting. 

 

As to why SIL may feels offended, can only say I have in past done or said things w/o clearing it with them. I was wrong, and I know that, but in my inadequte defense I said was that what was occuring didn't seem "normal" to me.  OMG, yes I did say that!  My GS was vomitting routinely and losing weight.  The pediatrician was handling it, but it wasn't getting any better.  My D, SIL and GS weren't getting much sleep.  They looked exhausted.  They needed to work, he needed to go to daycare.  My flying up to help out seemed appreciated.  My comments weren't always. Seriously starting to get that.  My D wants my help, my SIL wants it too, I think (???)  Assumed that when he told me GS would be needing clothes in size 2.  That wasn't a hint for me to buy him a present of clothing.  I'd held baby shower for my D, and bought clothing needed at good 2nd hand store.  So I set myself up as the "shopper". 

 

She is trying to move right now because they are expecting the 2nd child in Aug. and there is no room for that child to sleep in.  As it is the my 2 yr. old GS's room acts as guest room.  They were hoping that my SIL would be selected for a position in a town they'd both been able to commute from-giving him more income, but that felt through.  He is probably feeling more like this may not happen in future for him.  He told my D some time ago in my presence that he was not a "deadbeat" dad.

 

As for putting her career on hold, now is not the time to do so.  She has less than 6 months to take her Boards.  She took them once while GS was vomitting and not sleeping.  Almost passed them, but didn't :(    She told me that this is still a goal of hers.

 

Don't think it was a lack of effort on his part, but I appreciate your and other members thoughts on this.  While they were here 2 little things bothered me.  He didn't offer to help her get outside the vacation house (physically)  so she could enjoy the beach until she "nagged" about this. And his words to me about Valentine's day while they were here were "I covered that by getting her a coffee."   So I would wish more for my daughter, though, I realize that may not be possible right now.  It seems clear to me there is a struggle going on as to roles they need to play (some based on gender, finances, self-worth). 

 

She was "just venting", but she was visibly frightened to be discussing any of this w/ me in the event that he would be walking in the door.  Who should she talk to if not her family?

 

 

Sue

-I'm sooo not sure if I can achieve closeness from great distance.  Maybe because GS is only 2 and GD (my son's daughter) is 4 and her Mom and I are emailing, and Yes I've said things there I shouldn't have.  I'm on the MIL learning curve, and they are throwing me fastballs!  Also, not over sadness of not being geographically present to help out.  My mom was.  It's what I knew

 

 D house offer was rejected.  My parntner says if I get so anxious about my daughter and son (yes, and my son's "situation" is bigger than my D situation).  Almost afraid to share that one, maybe you all would be scared off and I wouldn't get the valuable feedback I've received already :) THANKS  so much!!!

 

Grandma PC

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Rosered - Wish I could elaborate on why I wasn't able to have my GS stay w/ me.  I don't have an answer to that because I haven't posed the question.  Felt doing so would have put my D in a position to defend SIL's stance on his mother's views of Gparenting. 

 

As to why SIL may feels offended, can only say I have in past done or said things w/o clearing it with them. I was wrong, and I know that, but in my inadequte defense I said was that what was occuring didn't seem "normal" to me.  OMG, yes I did say that!  My GS was vomitting routinely and losing weight.  The pediatrician was handling it, but it wasn't getting any better.  My D, SIL and GS weren't getting much sleep.  They looked exhausted.  They needed to work, he needed to go to daycare.  My flying up to help out seemed appreciated.  My comments weren't always. Seriously starting to get that.  My D wants my help, my SIL wants it too, I think (???)  Assumed that when he told me GS would be needing clothes in size 2.  That wasn't a hint for me to buy him a present of clothing.  I'd held baby shower for my D, and bought clothing needed at good 2nd hand store.  So I set myself up as the "shopper". 

 

She is trying to move right now because they are expecting the 2nd child in Aug. and there is no room for that child to sleep in.  As it is the my 2 yr. old GS's room acts as guest room.  They were hoping that my SIL would be selected for a position in a town they'd both been able to commute from-giving him more income, but that felt through.  He is probably feeling more like this may not happen in future for him.  He told my D some time ago in my presence that he was not a "deadbeat" dad.

 

As for putting her career on hold, now is not the time to do so.  She has less than 6 months to take her Boards.  She took them once while GS was vomitting and not sleeping.  Almost passed them, but didn't :(    She told me that this is still a goal of hers.

 

Don't think it was a lack of effort on his part, but I appreciate your and other members thoughts on this.  While they were here 2 little things bothered me.  He didn't offer to help her get outside the vacation house (physically)  so she could enjoy the beach until she "nagged" about this. And his words to me about Valentine's day while they were here were "I covered that by getting her a coffee."   So I would wish more for my daughter, though, I realize that may not be possible right now.  It seems clear to me there is a struggle going on as to roles they need to play (some based on gender, finances, self-worth). 

 

She was "just venting", but she was visibly frightened to be discussing any of this w/ me in the event that he would be walking in the door.  Who should she talk to if not her family?

 

 

Sue

-I'm sooo not sure if I can achieve closeness from great distance.  Maybe because GS is only 2 and GD (my son's daughter) is 4 and her Mom and I are emailing, and Yes I've said things there I shouldn't have.  I'm on the MIL learning curve, and they are throwing me fastballs!  Also, not over sadness of not being geographically present to help out.  My mom was.  It's what I knew

 

 D house offer was rejected.  My parntner says if I get so anxious about my daughter and son (yes, and my son's "situation" is bigger than my D situation).  Almost afraid to share that one, maybe you all would be scared off and I wouldn't get the valuable feedback I've received already :) THANKS  so much!!!

 

Grandma PC

OOps!  My partner says I need to go an be with them if I get so anxious.  That's where we are tonight after many years.  He doesn't have children, and doesn't have a way to help anymore than he has with mine. 

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OOps!  My partner says I need to go an be with them if I get so anxious.  That's where we are tonight after many years.  He doesn't have children, and doesn't have a way to help anymore than he has with mine. 

 

Whoa! Is your partner saying, in a kind and understanding way,  "Look, honey, if you're so anxious about them, maybe you need to go and stay with them, for a while" or, in an angry/irritated way, "If you're so anxious about them, go be with them and leave me alone!?" I hope it's the first but I'm getting the impression it's the second. If so,  it may be better to drop the subject with him and just keep on reaching out here, instead.

 

So sorry to hear that GS suffered from tha awful condition, at one time! It must have been very scary and I can't blame you for feeling "it didn't seem 'normal!'" I mean, I know kids vomit when they have a stomach "bug" but "routinely?" Still, I realize (and clearly, you now realize, too) that your comments either made your D and SIL feel all the more frightened or undermined their sense of confidence as parents - or sounded to then as if you were questioning their parenting abilities - even though I know those were probably the furthest ideas from your mind! I'm glad it seems they were able to separate your help from your comments (you say it seems that your help "was appreciated," even though your remarks weren't). And I take it you're beginning to see that questioning, criticism and other unsolicited advice only seems to cause tension with young parents. I don't recall liking it, either, as a young wife and mom, but, IMO, many of today's parents are even more resentful of and resistant to it.

 

I agree with you, based on what you're telling us, that there are issues in your D's marriage. And I'm guessing some of that is due to his current, unfortunate lack of income. You say he recently protested that he's "not a 'deadbeat' dad. That's an odd statement for him to make, IMO, since iit's usually said about dad's who are divorced or separated from the mom and don't pay their child support. Unless  one or both of you were questioning his efforts to find a job. Actually, I trust it wasn't you but I don't think it's wise for D and SIL to have such conversations/arguments in your - or anybody else' - presence.

 

Also, I don't get the impression that SIL is the most sensitive or romantic husband in the world. IDKY he told you about what he "did" for D on Valentine's Day though. If  you were trying to tell him he 'should" have done more, I'm afraid that's one of the things, IMO, you would do better not to comment on. I know you feel for your D. But you can't change SIL and trying to do so is only likely to cause resentment on his part.

 

It's beautiful, IMO, that your D feels she can turn to you when she needs/wants to vent and that you are ready to listen. I actually understand, though, why SIL may not want this. He may feel as if it's a betrayal of their marrriage/violation of their privacy, or, more simply that she's talking about him behind his back. And he may fear that her discussing their problems with anyone else, even family - especially family -  tends to bring a "third voice" into the situation. (And hey, if  you're talking to him about what he should or shouldn't have done for her on Valentine's Day, etc.,no offense meant, but  I don't think that helps. :) Same with their discussing their finaces in your earshot.)

 

It worries me,  though, that you say your D was "visibly frightened"  (caps mine) that SIL would find her talking to you about their problems. Do you feel he is abusive to her, in any way, if "only" verbally/emotionally? Is this where a lot of her - and your - anxiety is coming from? If you'd rather not say, I understand, but please be honest with yourself about this, if it's the case.

 

And please don't be afraid to tell us about your son's situation, if and when you're so inclined. Whatever it is, I'm sure we've heard as "bad" or "worse." You might want to start a separate discussion thread to talk about it though - and or another one to continue discussing your D's situation. To do so, just click on "Grandparenting From Afar," above, and then "Start a Topic" (you'll see that on the right-hand side of the page). You may fin you get more responses that way.

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I am a long distance grandma (40 yrs old) and have just returned from a week & a half long vacation with my grandson (4 yrs old) and daughter (22 yrs old).  I always find it difficult to return to 'life' after a visit with them (or their visit with me).  I miss them terribly!  I would love to hear how others cope with the transition back to reality.  Thanks! Lola

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Good question, Lola! Hopefully, some others here will have some helpful answers for you! Meanwhile, I'm glad you had a chance to enjoy some time with your DD (dear daughter) and GS (grandson)! And how lovely to be a GM young enough to have the energy to really keep up with a 4-yr-old! Welcome to this group!

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I'm new to " Grandparents.com", and I'm a " Longdistance Grandparent".

After my divorce, about 10yrs. ago, I moved here to Alaska and have only been back to see my daughters and grandchildren twice. They all live in So.CA.

It's hard to describe the feeling of being seperated from my family and missing the grandkids growing up. I don't think, if they passed me on the street,  I would recognize them now.

Facebook helps and in fact, my family is the main reason I'm in there; to stay in contact.

Visiting them is not really possible because of finances and they are limited in funds themselves.

 

Anyway, I'm fortunate to keep in touch by internet and phone and regular photos, so that's a good thing!!

 

Not to seem maudlin, but I sometimes wonder if I WIll ever be able to see my girls and grandchildren, you know? Life is not guaranteed to last for as long as we wish it to.   Jeeze, I sound awful,and I'm not that pessimistic, but these kinds of thoughts do go through my mind every now and then.

 

Why did I move so far away? At the time, I relocated, I needed a big change and Alaska was it. I got a good job, and things just worked out for me.  Now, this is the most practical place to live, because I own my home and there are no property taxes and I don't pay sales tax..... In CA, I would be financially in trouble and dependent on my family. I cannot accept that way of living and it's not fair to them.

 

So, this is my first submission in this site of fellow grandparents. Please.....I'm not normally this depressing.  Looking forward to meeting as many of you as possible.

 

Kathryn

 

 

 

 

 

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Welcome Again Kath, I am the lead Mod here in this group, and we are always happy to have new members.

 

You really made a big change going from Ca to Alaska, I have heard it is beautiful up there hope to one day see it for myself.

 

It is hard when you live so far from your family, but it is great they have the internet now, do you have Skype I have done that with my GD(granddaughter). My DS(dear son) and his family moved away 15 years ago and I get to see them about once a year. my GD is 7. How old are your GK'? 

 

Some people don't like Facebook, but I use it to keep up with my family also, that is the way my DIL likes to keep me and her family up to date on news and pictures.

 

Since you are new here Rose has posted in the group Mothers-in-law anonymous a post titled Guide to acronyms it has really helped me to see what all the abbreviations mean. It can get a little confusing. to get to it just click on community at the top of page and it will bring up all the groups it is the last one under the heading Family Groups.  Also we have a Single group you might be interested in.

 

I have been on this sight quite a while and it has helped me a lot.  Hope we can help you too.

 

Don't worry about being depressing we all need a place to vent and what better place than a group that has similar problems, I didn't really think you were that depressing.

 

Anyway welcome and hope to hear more from you in the future.

 

I'm new to " Grandparents.com", and I'm a " Longdistance Grandparent".

After my divorce, about 10yrs. ago, I moved here to Alaska and have only been back to see my daughters and grandchildren twice. They all live in So.CA.

It's hard to describe the feeling of being seperated from my family and missing the grandkids growing up. I don't think, if they passed me on the street,  I would recognize them now.

Facebook helps and in fact, my family is the main reason I'm in there; to stay in contact.

Visiting them is not really possible because of finances and they are limited in funds themselves.

 

Anyway, I'm fortunate to keep in touch by internet and phone and regular photos, so that's a good thing!!

 

Not to seem maudlin, but I sometimes wonder if I WIll ever be able to see my girls and grandchildren, you know? Life is not guaranteed to last for as long as we wish it to.   Jeeze, I sound awful,and I'm not that pessimistic, but these kinds of thoughts do go through my mind every now and then.

 

Why did I move so far away? At the time, I relocated, I needed a big change and Alaska was it. I got a good job, and things just worked out for me.  Now, this is the most practical place to live, because I own my home and there are no property taxes and I don't pay sales tax..... In CA, I would be financially in trouble and dependent on my family. I cannot accept that way of living and it's not fair to them.

 

So, this is my first submission in this site of fellow grandparents. Please.....I'm not normally this depressing.  Looking forward to meeting as many of you as possible.

 

Kathryn

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I am a long distance grandma (40 yrs old) and have just returned from a week & a half long vacation with my grandson (4 yrs old) and daughter (22 yrs old).  I always find it difficult to return to 'life' after a visit with them (or their visit with me).  I miss them terribly!  I would love to hear how others cope with the transition back to reality.  Thanks! Lola

Hi, Welcome to the group, I am a long distance GM also, I only get to see my GD (7 ) once a year.  It is very hard when we have to say goodbye, I usually have a good cry then try to get busy doing something to take my mind off it, they have lived away from here for 15 years so I have gotten a little used to it.

 

Do you have Skype that has helped some, not like you can get hugs but you can at least see them as they grow. My GD used to bring me her toys and try to hand them to me through the camera.

 

I really don't have a lot of advice I just try to stay positive and look forward to their next visit because we can't change things so I have to live with it.

 

Maybe some of the other long distant GP's will have some thoughts.

 

Again welcome and hope to hear from you again.

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Hi just read your post. This is really heart wrenching for me. My son and his ex have a son together. I live five hours away from my grandson. I have two other grandchildren from my daughter and SNL. They live just across town. My oldest son and his ex were never married. They are both in their early twenties They had been dating for a while prior to the birth of their now almost two year old son. I want to have a good relationship with the mother and I want my son to establish his rights as his son's father. One of the greatest things I feared is that the mother will meet someone else and they will try to cut off ties with my son and myself. But I just recetntly contacted the maternal grandmother and was quite surprised that she understands andsympathises with me. Don't ever give up on trying to have a relationship with your grands. Be encouraged and try to talk to your DL.

I also am a long distance nana, but I have been kept at an arms length away from my 3 grandsons all of their life. I send them birthday cards with a check every birthday and never receive a thank you call back. I send them advent calendars at Christmas and never hear a thank you from any of them. This needs to be taught by the parents to do so. I am almost to the point to stop sending money and just send a card to each of them. I don't even know if they know that I send it. When I go to visit you can tell that they are told not to come near me or give me hugs, they are just very cold towards me and my son is not like that towards me and was not raised that way. He is very affectionate, especially to me. I don't want to cause trouble so I just keep my mouth shut. These three little boys are strangers to me. I have asked if they could come one at a time to visit with me for a week during the summer and my DIL refused my request. I don't know what more I can do. I never held these boys while they were babies, was never allowed to babysit for them, it is like I don't even exist in their lives. I am tired of crying over this and I refuse to make myself sick. My DIL has even unfriended me on facebook so that I no longer get updates on my grandchildren and their activities. I don't believe my son even knows any of this is going on.

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Hello,

I just joined this site today. I am a longdistance grandmother, I have three grandchildren but the two oldest ages 6 and 4 are currently back in the state in which I reside. The third is born to my son and his ex-girlfriend. They both resides in two different states. He hasn't set up child support for his son but he wants to be in his child's life. The mother comes from a wealthy family and her parents have been really supportive in helping to take care of this precious chlid. I went to see him for the first time in April of 2012. I want to have a good relationship with the mother, but there seems to be a wall between us. During my visit last year, I had a chance to meet the maternal grandparents. They are really nice people and just recently I felt led to get in contact with them concerning their daughter. I had been trying to get in contact with her and she stopped  responding to my calls I contacted her mother and was surprised that she sympathizes with me. I told her my concerns as a long distance grandmother and all I want is to have a good relationship with her daughter. I want so much to be in my grandson's life. 

All I want is to have live chat sessions and be able to talk to the both of them. This young lady is a great mother and is doing an excellent job taking care of this baby. This baby was born with some challenges due to premature birth. As I stated the mother is doing an amazing job taking care of this child. I often tell her this, but again there is a wall there. I am trying to break the ice and want her to get to know me as well. I don't care for text messages when I want to talk to her. WE both agreed to live chat sessions where I can see my grandson and just talk.This hasn't' happened yet. Still waiting on her response. I don't think I'm asking much. I don't want to come across as meddiling and she is not seeking child support from my son. She talks to him too but not like she did when she first had the baby. I want him to do the right thing and not just take gifts and money when he goes to see his son.

Any pointers on not being a meddling grandma and how to break the ice between the mother and myself? :sorry:

 

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Welcome Again Kath, I am the lead Mod here in this group, and we are always happy to have new members.

 

You really made a big change going from Ca to Alaska, I have heard it is beautiful up there hope to one day see it for myself.

 

It is hard when you live so far from your family, but it is great they have the internet now, do you have Skype I have done that with my GD(granddaughter). My DS(dear son) and his family moved away 15 years ago and I get to see them about once a year. my GD is 7. How old are your GK'? 

 

Some people don't like Facebook, but I use it to keep up with my family also, that is the way my DIL likes to keep me and her family up to date on news and pictures.

 

Since you are new here Rose has posted in the group Mothers-in-law anonymous a post titled Guide to acronyms it has really helped me to see what all the abbreviations mean. It can get a little confusing. to get to it just click on community at the top of page and it will bring up all the groups it is the last one under the heading Family Groups.  Also we have a Single group you might be interested in.

 

I have been on this sight quite a while and it has helped me a lot.  Hope we can help you too.

 

Don't worry about being depressing we all need a place to vent and what better place than a group that has similar problems, I didn't really think you were that depressing.

 

Anyway welcome and hope to hear more from you in the future.

Hi Kathryn,

You sound so much like me. I too wished I had more in finances where I can go more than once a year to see my grandson.  Be encouraged an keep doing what you are doing. I too am divorced but it's only been 6 years for me. Being a grandparent is a blessing.

rbl1957

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