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RoseRed135

Any SINGLE Grandparents Here?

102 posts in this topic

3 hours ago, Patshep said:

Hey I am Pat from Georgia.  I am 69 years old widowed once and divorced once.  I am raising (at one time 5 down to two) grandkids.  I have had them for 7 years.  I was married at the time but he said me or the kids.  Well I had known the kids longer then him and really liked them more so it was a simple choice.  lol   As far as the dating thing don't feel I have much left to give.  My only child was killed after her (the dad) killed himself and she become depended on drugs and drinking.  There was a fire and turns out she was in the trailer it then took 3 months to ID her and we were able to have a funeral.  Most of the times (after 7 years) I do ok my kids are great but at times I think what am I doing here.  I am suspose to be on a bus seeing America with old folks.  So glad to fine this site and be able to talk to others.

Hey, Pat- Very sorry to read about the loss of your daughter- If you had 5 grandkids under your roof and you are now down to 2 you must be doing something right- I'm sorry too that your were put in the position of having to choose between the kids and him but it sounds like you made the right decision- Don't give up on getting onto that travel bus just yet! You will probably enjoy the ride and America all the more once you know each of your grandkids is raised and on their way in their own lives- Hang in there!

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4 hours ago, Patshep said:

Hey I am Pat from Georgia.  I am 69 years old widowed once and divorced once.  I am raising (at one time 5 down to two) grandkids.  I have had them for 7 years.  I was married at the time but he said me or the kids.  Well I had known the kids longer then him and really liked them more so it was a simple choice.  lol   As far as the dating thing don't feel I have much left to give.  My only child was killed after her (the dad) killed himself and she become depended on drugs and drinking.  There was a fire and turns out she was in the trailer it then took 3 months to ID her and we were able to have a funeral.  Most of the times (after 7 years) I do ok my kids are great but at times I think what am I doing here.  I am suspose to be on a bus seeing America with old folks.  So glad to fine this site and be able to talk to others.

Hi Pat! I'm glad you found this site, too!

I'm so deeply sorry about the loss of your first DH (dear husband) and the horrific loss of your DD (dear daughter)! My heart goes out to you!

Bless you for taking in your 5 grands! (I take it they were DD's kids - am I right?) So sorry that your second marriage ended in divorce b/c of it - how harsh it was of him, IMO (in my opinion) to ask you to make such a choice! While you're apparently happy w/ the choice you made, I still appreciate that it was a major sacrifice. It must have taken a lot of strength and courage.

It's not unusual for GPs in your situation to wonder "what am I doing here?"/feel that they've missed out on things they were planning to do. I totally hear you! But as Komorebi says, you might get to go on that bus and see America yet! Since you're "down to two" GC, then I take it that means 3 are grown up and away at college and/or fully on their own. Soon the other 2 will be all grown, too, I imagine and then, perhaps. you'll get some time for just you.

Hope you come over and talk to us, also, in Grandparents Caring for Grandkids, as homeygfunk mentioned, as well as Empty Nest No Longer,

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Hey guys sorry I haven't been able to get back    We have ball practice or games most evening and of course homework.  Think I have it worse then the kids lol.  The twelve year old well she is going thur the hormone stage.  I do not remember this part.  She can be so sweet and loving then watch out the word NO sends her into a tailspin.  After a hour or so she is back to sweet.  Both of them want friends over 24/7.  My weekends include a lot of cooking.  My week days go by in a blur take them to school, pick up house lots of laundry to wash and fold.  2:30 is here before you know it pick up 10 year old come home do homework start supper back to ball field to pick up 12 yr old at practice if there is not a game back home finish up supper tell them to put their clothes up do homework or work on a school project eat fuss to get them in the showers then fuss to get them out (they take forever) then fuss about time. My age group ask what do I do all day.  To be honest I come home after dropping them off read some tv shower do my chores  then start over I need my down time.

Do the rest of you feel like you are on a spinning wheel that never stops.  So thankful that I no longer have to work but feel I should be doing SOMETHING with my time and life.

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1 hour ago, Patshep said:

but feel I should be doing SOMETHING with my time and life.

As a grandmother raising two preteens, I think you should be commended for what you are doing with your life.

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I agree with Sue.  You already have enough to do. I got tired just reading it. You are doing something with your life by making sure the kids you are raising have what they need. Yes sometimes I do feel like I am on a spinning wheel that never stops. Although I do sometimes wish it would slow down so I could catch up.

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Agree here, too. IMO, you are the hero in these lids' lives - you don't need to do anymore than that!

I do hope that you find a way to carve out some time for yourself each day. Maybe have a cup of coffee before starting the laundry.... or sit down, put your feet up and watch a fave TV show while a  load of wash is running.... or hey, how about ordering in, once a week, if possible, so you don't have to cook one night and can take more time for yourself... and/or, of course, take some time out, whenever you can to come and talk w/ us... :)

Edited by RoseRed135
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Thanks guys that made me feel better.  I feel like I am lazy when the yard/house is a mess.  I am just so tired at times not physically but mentally.  so glad I found yall

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I know that tired feeling real well. The mental tired is worse than the physical tired.

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Welcome @Patshep. I agree with the others that you are doing plenty....Are the kids helping with the chores? If not they should be. The learning curve may be time consuming and icky, but consistency will make it worthwhile. We always told our kids that if they live here they have a level of responsibility for its upkeep. 

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Hi! My name is Nancy and I am struggling to try to cope with missing my granddaughter who moved away to Florida from Colorado in July of last year.  I was the caregiver for my granddaughter while my daughter worked while she was married to her first husband and after.  I picked her up after I finished work and took her home with me and fed her every night and kept her most weekends.  I came to love this child more like a daughter than a granddaughter. The problem I have is my daughter moved away with a guy she had only known about 4 months which everyone in the family felt she had rushed too fast in to like she did with her husband.  This new guy has taken complete control and is the one who dictates if and when I get to see my granddaughter. He is in the military which I feel may be the reason he is so controlling.  My daughter has allowed him all this power.  He is way too strict I feel with my granddaughter and he has put both my daughter and granddaughter both on a very strict routine they are not allowed to waiver from. I have made 3 trips to Florida since they moved away because I missed them so much.  The last visit was 2 months and I was only allowed to see her twice and that was after my son also flew down for a visit.  He is keeping my granddaughter from me I feel because she tells me everything. My daughter has pulled away from me and I have really no relationship with her since she moved because of him. I am looking for anyone who has had a similar situation and ideas on how to handle this situation.

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Welcome Nancy. I'm sorry for your struggles with the new situation...

A couple of things in your story spring out at me...Please don't blame the military for the boyfriend's controlling ways...this is most likely a part of his personality that has always been there; they find women who can be dominated rather than choosing a partner. The military can feed his controlling ways, but doesn't cause them. It does sound like your DD has serious self esteem issues. At some point she may benefit from therapy to find out why. My DsD has the worst taste in men for all that her dad & brother are/were the two coolest guys on the planet...all based on abandonment issues from her mom.  

Keep the lines of communication open with both your DD & GD. Send cards & notes thru snail mail. Kids love getting mail. Keep sending even if you don't get frequent responses

 

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Posted (edited)

I'm sorry, too, nakudson! No doubt, having your DD (dear daughter) and GD (granddaughter) move so far away was difficult for you in itself, let alone having it happen so suddenly. And going from taking care of GD so frequently to hardly getting to see her, at all, even when you're in her state, is quite a dramatic change. It must be very hurtful. As the regular caregiver to my own 2 DGC, I think it would rip my heart out if they were so abruptly and completely pulled away from me. (((Hugs!)))

Also, I understand your concerns about DD's moving w/ this new man so soon. Unfortunately, it seems to be a pattern that she has yet to break (and perhaps never will). Not to mention your concerns about his being "controlling."  That would worry me, too. But as long as DD seems to go along w/ it, there's not much you can do, except to continue to be loving and caring when you do see/get to talk to them.

Is it possible, though, that DD and her guy have both agreed to limit contact to give themselves time to bond as a new family unit? No doubt, GD is very attached to you and they might feel that they need to loosen those ties in order to strengthen their own. IMO (in my opinion), it's very hard on a child to pull them away like this from someone they love. But they may think they are doing it for the best.

If that's the case, then, perhaps, they will ease the restrictions when they feel more secure in their own family unit. I know it may be hard for you to wait, but, hopefully, the time will come. Meanwhile, I hope you continue to reach out to us here ... Patience...

Edited by RoseRed135
to add a thought

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Welcome naknudson. I am sorry to hear about your situation. Mame925 and RoseRed135 have given you some very good advice. You might also want to check out Grandparents without Grandchildren. There may be some similar circumstances there for you to check out.

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Hello all.  I am a single grandmother of 2, mother of one surviving son.  My DD passed almost a year ago. I am a widow of 10 years and live alone with my cat and have minimal contact with my son and his family due to my reclusive nature.  I make it a point to be there when asked, or needed, but live in fear of being a pushy, domineering, needy parasite.

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Welcome RecLucy. I have to leave for a doctors appt but I will be back soon to talk to you more. Meanwhile I hope you come in and talk with us more.

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1 hour ago, RecLucy said:

Hello all.  I am a single grandmother of 2, mother of one surviving son.  My DD passed almost a year ago. I am a widow of 10 years and live alone with my cat and have minimal contact with my son and his family due to my reclusive nature.  I make it a point to be there when asked, or needed, but live in fear of being a pushy, domineering, needy parasite.

My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your DD. (((Hugs!)))

My sympathies on the loss of DH, as well.

I take it DD had no children (you haven't mentioned any), so no kids left w/o a mom, thankfully.

As for being "reclusive" - I admit, I was wondering if that's what "RecLucy" meant. Hopefully, you enjoy whatever time you do spend w/ DS and family.

You certainly don't sound like a "pushy, domineering, needy parasite." :) In fact, no doubt, you would be the "perfect MIL" for some people - there when asked/needed, but never looking for more. It's possible DS and family wish you would spend a little more time w/ them, but I can't imagine their finding you "pushy," etc.

 

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@RecLucy we have some things in common....I'm also a widow (just over 2 years) and somewhat of an introvert. I have 3kids, 9gkids (ages 3-12). Fortunately, I am always included, thought I don't always accept. I do host from time to time. I have good relationships with all Gkids...I babysit when its convenient for me. And if I need something I ask (DS was just over yesterday to hang window shades/curtains on my new windows...because I don't do ladders anymore...we made a date for it, not just expecting him to drop everything to see to me)

Moving forward, consider expanding your non family circle. Thru DH's protracted illness I now know who my friends are. We get together as often as time allows, everyone is busy with their own stuff. My sister & cousins play huge parts in my life. 

I'm pleased you've joined us here. You will find some companionship, commiseration and interesting as well as diverse opinions. 

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Posted (edited)

18 hours ago, RoseRed135 said:

As for being "reclusive" - I admit, I was wondering if that's what "RecLucy" meant. Hopefully, you enjoy whatever time you do spend w/ DS and family.

Yes, RoseRed, "RecLucy" is a screen name I use that describes me most of the time, I stay in my "cave" with my cat, coffee, cable, and computer.  I do have friends that I maintain Real Life Contact with both through social media and R/L visits.  As far as enjoying time with my DS's family, It is hard for me to communicate with them as I am not good at small talk, but always after a visit I feel better about the interaction.

Edited by RecLucy
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15 hours ago, Mame925 said:

Moving forward, consider expanding your non family circle. Thru DH's protracted illness I now know who my friends are. We get together as often as time allows, everyone is busy with their own stuff. My sister & cousins play huge parts in my life. 

Mame925  I am working on my non family circle.  I live in a 55+ Condo Community so there are many people around.  I make acquaintances easily so I am very fortunate.

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Posted (edited)

3 hours ago, RecLucy said:

Yes, RoseRed, "RecLucy" is a screen name I use that describes me most of the time, I stay in my "cave" with my cat, coffee, cable, and computer.  I do have friends that I maintain Real Life Contact with both through social media and R/L visits.  As far as enjoying time with my DS's family, It is hard for me to communicate with them as I am not good at small talk, but always after a visit I feel better about the interaction.

Is it possible to focus most of the conversation on the GC and what they've been up to (perhaps you already do)? That might make it easier (unless their teenagers and sensitive about some subjects :) ). If they're little, maybe you could spend more time playing with them and less time conversing (again, perhaps you already do that). I realize you don't want to ignore DS and DIL, and I'm not suggesting that. Just trying to think of ways to ease the communication a little or lessen the need for it.

Regardless, glad you always "feel better about the interaction" afterwards.

Edited by RoseRed135

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Hi Everyone!

My name is Christine, I am a 53 year old divorced mother of two and Grandmother to three.  I have full custody of two grandchildren.  I joined this site to talk to other Grandparents.  I work full time and am trying to find new activities that are fun for a 1 and 2 year old toddler.  Lately it seems, I go to work, go home and not much else.  Prior to taking custody of my Granddaughters I traveled a lot, went to wineries, flea markets, hiking and biking... are there any suggestions of activities with two toddlers?  Places to travel that are toddler friendly?

thank you! 

 

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Welcome, Christine. How wonderful of you to take custody of your grandchildren. I know that there are some here who will have ideas for you. I am glad that you came here to talk to us.

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21 hours ago, ChristineS said:

Hi Everyone!

My name is Christine, I am a 53 year old divorced mother of two and Grandmother to three.  I have full custody of two grandchildren.  I joined this site to talk to other Grandparents.  I work full time and am trying to find new activities that are fun for a 1 and 2 year old toddler.  Lately it seems, I go to work, go home and not much else.  Prior to taking custody of my Granddaughters I traveled a lot, went to wineries, flea markets, hiking and biking... are there any suggestions of activities with two toddlers?  Places to travel that are toddler friendly?

thank you! 

 

Hi again, Christine! Glad you found your way into the forums!

It's not unusual for a GP's life to change once they begin raising their GC. Please keep in mind, though, that you'll have more time for yourself as they get older and entter preschool and then elementary school, etc. There is a light at the end of this tunnel.

As for toddler-friendly places to go, Sesame Place comes to mind. But perhaps you've taken them there? Disneyworld or Disneyland also might be options, unless you feel they're "too big" for such little children.

Is there any chance of your hiring someone or finding a relative who would watch the kids a couple of days a week after your work hours, so you can do biking or baking or whatever else you'd like to do w/o interruption?

Here's hoping that just talking w/ people here will help ease your frustrations. Good to have you aboard! :)

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I am a single grandparent. I was a single parent as well, so it doesn't really seem that odd to me to be a single grandparent, except that my ex-husband - who would have been the grandfather - died very suddenly and unexpectedly just before my son and DIL announced that they were having their first baby. That was sad, and I felt sorry that he would miss knowing our grandchild (now two of them). 

Just as when I was raising my kids, I sometimes wish I had a partner to talk to about the grandkids. Co-workers and friends really aren't all that interested. But at the same time, it's nice to have the freedom to make my own decisions such as when to take trips to visit, how much money to spend on gifts, and so forth. 

Fortunately my DIL's parents are both still living, so my grandchildren have other grandparents besides me, and they have a grandfather who is very active in their lives. I think extended family is very important for children, so I'm glad my DIL has many family members who live in the same town. 

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Welcome, Abuela303. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your ex-husband. I can understand about wanting a partner to talk to about the grandkids. I am a single grandparent as well and I was a single parent, too. Having the freedom to make your own decisions is great. I also had no in-laws to deal with. Good to hear the grandchildren have other grandparents that are active in their lives. Hope to hear more from you. Welcome to the forum.

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