Grandma voiced her concerns now she's ousted
Posted 23 December 2012 - 03:51 AM
My grandsons have never been able to spend any time with me and I never even was allowed to hold them and feed them a bottle when they were babies unless I was needed to babysit for them. They are strangers to me. I have always been kept at arms length away. I have always sent them birthday money and I never even get a phone call from them telling me thank you. I'm on a limited income and I am ready to just stop sending the checks if I am not even appreciated. I don't even know if the grandsons even get the money. I'm at a loss, I don't want to be used, what do I do?
Posted 23 December 2012 - 05:43 AM
i do know how i would feel if that had happened to me and i do feel so much for you. i know that you seem to live a considerable distance away. i also gather that you have heard NOTHING from your ds on any of this. maybe he doesn't even KNOW anything about it! does he tend to call you very often, or do you normally do the calling to them? does he have a workplace where you could possibly contact him other than on his cell? it would seem to me that you need to somehow have a talk with him and see how he feels about all of this.
i'm sure that someone will be in before long who knows more about what to suggest to you. this is a hard time of year to get all the gang together - everyone is out baking cookies or have their nightcaps on, maybe. please don't give up and not come back. if no one comes in by tomorrow, you can look up in the right hand corner for the envelope. click that and put in my name, click it and it will send a private message to me. i'll be in sometime tomorrow evening, probably and check to see if someone has come to your rescue who can hopefully offer better advice. i suppose the best i can do is let you know i care and hurt for you. i hope the best for you and that you can get this worked out somehow. i personally, don't think you did anything so wrong - but dil's are sometimes strange creatures about their kids and who says what about them or what she might have given them for Christmas or whatever. my guess is that you've learned a lesson on that one and i supppose you now know your dil a little better. i'm so sorry it happened. all i can offer now is a hug. ~ tedy ~
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Posted 23 December 2012 - 11:56 AM
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Posted 23 December 2012 - 02:00 PM
I think there is more going on than you may realize. One offering of unsolicited advice doesn't usually(though I'm certainly not ruling it out) result in this kind of reaction. Have you offered advice before and received any kind of reaction? What was the climate like when you visited? You say you (we) had a wonderful time but what were the logistics of the invitation - was there maybe some reason DIL was already upset about the visit and already looking for a fight? I'm not placing blame on anyone - just trying to get to the root of the issue. Did anything else happen that may have been perceived as questioning their parenting? I'm not question you - just trying to help you get to what might have happened from their point of view. That is a pretty strong reaction for one event.
The holidays are stressful and even families that get along well can have issues. It's hard being under the same roof and not offering input but often the very best advice is not to offer it unless asked.
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Posted 23 December 2012 - 04:25 PM
Please resist the urge to assume anything and you will eventually get into touch with your son to get to the source of what's going on. Your son is now married to your DIL and will support his wife. So if the DIL has taken any offense to what happened, that's what I see is the relationship that will need to be repaired. She will be the one who can say what can be done to make it right.
I know your intent with the comment was concern for your GCs nightmares. It sounds like your DIL did not receive it that way. I can see that the DIL may have seen your comment as unsolicited advice. (sorry, but when I read that part I said "ouch" to myself.)
And yes this time of year is hard for families. Be patient, have faith
Posted 23 December 2012 - 04:39 PM
We made the 6 day trip in order to see my son graduate from college, and to help my DIL host an open house for the celebration. We had a great time all day of the party, cooking and preparing for the party, had a wonderful party, great Christmas the following morning, went looking at Christmas lights and went shopping together the following day. The perfect Christmas holiday, that is why I am so shocked by all of this. And a day later I am told that I will no longer have any contact with their family besides through my son. She has even deleted me from her Facebook. There were no conflicts whatsover the entire weekend. That's why there is the shock factor on my side.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 05:42 PM
I'm a bit confused though. You said you have always gotten along well, but also say you've been kept at arms' length. The first seems to contradict the second, doesn't it?
I think there's a bit more going on in this. There could be all sorts of reasons, and only your DIL knows, but she did say you were out of line for telling them how to parent. From what you told us, it seems she could be making a mountain out of a molehill, when your intentions weren't as strong as she perceived them. Whenever something this big happens, without everyone knowing what's going on, completely, I tend to think there's stuff under the surface.
I hope you can get in touch with your son so you can work through this. I bet there's something wrong with his phone or you'd be able to get through to him. If either of them has blocked your calls, that's just pretty huge, and hurtful. Warm hugs to you about that.
As for getting some sort of thank you from the kids for gifts...I think you are reasonable in expecting that. Didn't they thank you in person when you were there?
Posted 23 December 2012 - 06:49 PM
Your best bet is to talk to your son, he may be able to fill in some blanks for you as to what happened or maybe help get things back on track.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 07:30 PM
I also agree that there's is probably more here than meets the eye - that either it was a "last straw" issue or there are some issues between DS and DIL about who should contact whose FOO (family of origin) and you just happened to get caught in it. But you may not know till you get hold of DS.
It does seem strange that DIL would get upset with you for voicing concerns that echoed hers. A lot may depend on who bought the Xbox though. If she and DS got it and she was just saying, sort of, "Well, I wasn't sure if we should but I decided it was ok..." then your comments might have made it seem as if you were questioning the wisdom of her decision. But even if someone else gave them the gift, I suppose she still might feel as if you were doubting her parenting abilities b/c she let the boys play with it... IDK... Again, you won't really know till you talk to DS (if he even knows).
Please don't be too concerned if DS doesn't get back to you, right away, regardless. Given all the demands and stresses of the holiday season, it may be a while b4 he and DIL sort this out enough for him to even discuss it with you.
Glad you brought your problem to us, though! Please keep us posted and know that we're here for you!
Posted 23 December 2012 - 10:17 PM
I was there was the GS's opened the present along with the other grand parents and NONE of us were thanked. I didn't say a word.
My DIL and I always got along but definitely with restrictions. My son and I are very close and I really do believe there is some jealousy there. Not that it needs to be. We spent a week there and the only time that the boys came near us, hugged us, said goodbye or had any interaction with us is when my son initiated it. I always taught my children to kiss grandparents goodnight when they were visiting, not the case here. I don't want to lose my son, so I have just shut my mouth about a lot. I was told several years ago when I was looking for suggestions to get closer with my GS's that she doesn't want me to be close because I will end up hurting them. Huh???? No explanation about what she meant and I just dropped it, to keep peace. Quite frankly, I've had about as much as I care to deal with. I think she's acting like a spoiled little girl. We spent last Sunday shopping because I had offered to make them a handmade quilt and I wanted her to pick out the material and show me what her style is. So, I feel like I have gone above and beyond the call of duty to try and make things work in this relationship. I learned a long time ago, you can't force someone to love you. They live 3 states away, and right now, I feel like that's a good thing. My son knows where I am and I did NOTHING to deserve being treated like this. I respect my mother in law, just because she is my mother in law. I'm tired of being in a relationship that is a one way road. I taught my son better than this, and I do feel that he will call when he's ready, and I really have a feeling he has no clue about what's going on. He has always been very protective of me and I think that's what the problem is. I will be patient and just wait. It will be a sad Christmas though for this Nana.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 10:23 PM
Posted 23 December 2012 - 10:32 PM
do you have any friends who don't have family near, also that you could at least maybe go out to dinner with? i'm assuming you're alone as you haven't mentioned anyone else but this son. maybe it would be nice to spend the day helping those who can't help themselves - like go to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter and share some cheer or listen to their problems or whatever. many hugs to you and i hope you find something worthwhile to do on Christmas besides stay at home by yourself. also, i don't know how you feel, but i feel that this is Christ's birthday - you might go to a church's Christmas services Christmas Eve or even a Catholic Mass Christmas day whether it's your religion or not. So many opportunities to do something for others. and i hope this mess gets straightened out soon.
Posted 23 December 2012 - 11:10 PM
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Posted 24 December 2012 - 04:19 AM
I am glad you have other family to focus on. Maybe your son will miss your contact and will call you soon. It is good that you have a husband that is extremely supportive. That is wonderful. I hope you have a wonderful time with your family.
Posted 24 December 2012 - 10:51 PM
Posted 25 December 2012 - 02:30 PM
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Posted 26 December 2012 - 01:19 AM
Posted 26 December 2012 - 04:27 AM
Posted 26 December 2012 - 05:49 AM
I also was SO glad to hear that you do have a great husband and a great group of kids to be able to spend Christmas with. It sounds as if things are going to work out in the end. I'm sorry, though, about your ds who has drifted from the fold. I hope that will work out, also. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, despite this setback with your ds.