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Whiteroses

do you and your dh tell each other everything?

38 posts in this topic

So after the whole Christmas drama a few days before new years eve I ask Dh if he has talked to his parents lately, I ask because months can pass without dh talking to his parents, and because there has just been a death in the family so I was wondering how the IL were doing.Dh says yeah I talked to my Dad today,I ask how is he holding up? ,Dh says"dad is fine he just called to talk about my mom"So I ask "why is she okay?" Dh gets really serious and says " Dad said something happened between mom and bil,but it's really personal,Dad made me promise not to tell anybody." That particulat bil gets really aggressive when he drinks and has broken into nursing homes and trashed them. So this talk was on a friday, so sunday after church fil invited all the bils,gfs and I to lunch, and that Bil that Dh was referring to had a black eye .Dh and I had a talk to not have any secrets, that f for example we bump into an ex at mall or while running errands that we would tell the other, instead of us hearing from somebody else "I saw your Dw talking to her ex.."But now im wondering if he has kept anything else from me.

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That would make me really annoyed... I have no secrets from my husband, I am kind of wondering now what secrets he has from me. I would ask your husband.

I think it's completely inappropriate to ask a person to keep a secret from their spouse... Even if its your adult child. I don't share anything with a married/engaged/dating friend or relative unless I'm ok with their spouse knowing.

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Do I share every little piece of 'news' with hubby...NO.

Do I tell him the important things? Yes

Does he share most things with me...he would say yes, but so many times he simply thinks he has shared and he really hasn't.

But, I would never not share something that would affect our relationship when the absence of imformation came out.

When FIL was diagonised with cancer...MIL told hubby he was not allowed to tell me and he didn't...because apparently she assured him only 'family' needed to know.

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No, DH does not tell me *everything*...but he tells me everything that matters.

*This* example--he had better tell me about something like that. Let me get this straight, your DH wants you to take your small child around a violent drunk and wants you to have no clue about that person's propensity for destructive violence? Uh no. I suggest couples therapy. Your Duh lacks a protective instinct toward his wife and innocent baby. He is more worried about protecting his family name and saving face for his mother than protecting you from a violent drunk.

What happens when drunk BIL shows up after a bender and throws a chair hitting your child?

No way would I be around someone like that and if my husband hid something like that from me, I would consider *all* of my options. If your Duh thinks his family secrets are more important than your child's safety, you have a real problem there.

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That bil has never asked to babysit he usually goes to parties on the weekends ,but I would never leave my Dd with him anyways.Its just that Dh won't tell me what happened.

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Whiteroses...this is just another reason why the two of you need to go to couples counceling.

Your DH is still putting his FOO's wishes and expectations before the two of you as a couple.

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I think so too:(.

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Ok, I'm probably in the minority here because my DH and I do not keep secrets from each other...especially ones that affect us directly. With that being said though, after you have explained that you would not allow BIL to babysit anyway and that he does his partying on the weekend (which suggests to me that he isn't drunk around your child) then I have to say that this family "secret" does not affect you directly and he was asked to keep a confidence from someone close to him (as in a family member), he's allowed to do that.

If it's just the idea that he's keeping a secret from you, look at it this way...it's not a secret in the sense that you know that something happened, he did tell you that much afterall, you just don't know the details of that something. It's not a matter of him keeping something from you, it's a matter of him giving his word that he would not repeat what was told to him by another person. If DH repeated after giving that person his word I would be more concerned then that DH couldn't be trusted not the other way around. So to me it sounds like this isn't a matter of "what else is he not telling me" and "what is it that he's hiding" so much as it is that you just want to know the details of what happened and DH is holding to his word because it really is NOYB what goes on behind closed doors w/ your ILs.

You seen the black eye, you know something happened, if you don't trust having your child around that part of family, then don't have your child around them. You know that BIL drinks, so if that had bothered you before now, then you wouldn't have allowed BIL within an inch of your child even in yours and DH's presence.

If his mom and dad decide that their "business" is really personal, then it's not for you to decide what you should know about them and what you shouldn't know just because DH happened to be privy to that info...turn the tables and ask yourself how you would feel if for instance you and MIL had a close relationship or even your mom and you confided something in her that you didn't really want other people to know, even FIL or your dad. Would you want her to be allowed to tell him, just because he is her husband and he feels that he should know everything that the two of you talk about?

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This is a tough one because DH and I mostly tell each other anything. I say mostly because we don't share a few things:

He doesn't want to know about certain friends of mine. He isn't a fan anyhow, so he doesn't care to know any of their news.

he shares everything he can think of in guy world. Meaning, he'll tell me basics but because he is him, details aren't all that important. So if I specifically ask things from the vague piece of info he has given me, then he will tell me if he remembers. I can see where this bothers you, White. I think Wees has a good point but at the same time I still think I'd feel uncomfortable. Because in a sense, when you are calling it "private family business" and then saying you shouldn't know about it, it is like saying you aren't family. And at the very least you are DH's main family. But then, my parents always told each other everything. (Which is SUPER embarrassing when you are a teenaged girl, btw, there are certain things you don't want your dad to know about.) But I don't think I ever expected mom NOT to tell him stuff. IDK. Perhaps I'm just silly.

Regardless, I'm going to echo everyone from this post and the last. Counseling is a must.

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I've never let my dd alone with anyone other than my mom.

@Weesheart75-I just find it really odd that my dh won't tell me,I think it would just have been better if he didn't mention anything in the first place.For him to say"Yeah he is doing well all things considered."Like if I tell him "I have a secret I can't tell you"its going to make my dh uncomfortable.

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Hmmm... I just think it's very "normal and natural" for husband and wife to share news, etc, even if they don't share everything. For a parent to ask a DS or DD to keep a secret from their spouse is unrealstic, IMO, and unfair/putting them in a very awkward position. As for me, I just take it as a given that anything I tell ODd is going to be repeated to SIL (and I felt the same way when YDD was married to XSIL). If there were somthing I wouldn't want my SIL to know (can't think of anything), I wouldn't tell my DD.

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I understand where your coming from about it being better if he didn't mention it in the first place. He probably really should have left it as "yeah he is doing well". But on the other hand when you saw BIL w/ his black eye would you have just casually said to DH along the lines of "I wonder what happened to cause that?" If so then you would have been putting DH in a position to have to choose to either lie to you and say "I don't know" or "Well I know but I can't tell you" or just plain out ignore that you have concerns about what happened or he could end up telling you and break the promise of secrecy that he gave his word on.

Personally I would see it as him being honest by telling me about the secret without giving details rather than hiding the whole thing from me in the first place. I KNOW I would see my own DH withholding ALL information as being dishonest and trying to hide something from me and would much prefer having been given some clue that something happened but couldn't give the details.

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I think it was pretty unfair of fil to put your dh in that postition. If I don't want dil to know something I don't tell ds. I expect my kids and thier spouses are in a partnership, just as I am with my dh and I can't think of a time in my life where either one of us was told not to tell spouse anything except for maybe Christmas presents.

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I think no one should ever EVER have the expectation that someone keeps a secret from their spouse--it puts the person in a completely unacceptable position. I think if you don't trust whoever you're telling to tell their spouse appropriately, don't tell them!

Whiteroses, given your IL's behavior in the past I'm not surprised, but since your husband actually followed their instructions I would like to echo what pp's have said about counseling.

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I always assume anything said to my DSs will be repeated to their wives. I made that mistake when YDS was engaged, thinking I could say something and not have it repeated. To this day I regret it.

I think there were things that my ILS asked DH not to repeat concerning my FILS business. That didn't bother me as it really was no concern of mine. I knew anything I said to MIL or SIL would get repeated to one another so I never shared info I didn't want the other to know.

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Every time I open my mouth to any one I assume it may get shared with someone, not just in the family but amoung friends also. So I am careful what I share and with whom.

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I would be really upset to have heard news like this from my DH. You and DH are a team, first and foremost, and any kind of violence happening in the extended family needs to be known by both of you to decide how to react and protect your child (and possibly help the attacked person). That sounds like a huge red flag, especially in light of the rest of your story.

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We tell each other all the important things. There has been one or two times in my life where a friend has asked me not to tell my DH until a certain time or to wait until the friend had a chance to tell DH. If anyone ever asks that I not say anything to my DH, then I just request they don't tell me. I think that has only happened once or twice.

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I would never say anything to my kids that I felt strongly that DILs did not know, just as they know not to say anything to me they do not want FBD to know. That was a rule in our house, never ask me to NOT tell your Dad something, I explained to them, more than once in their teenage years, that their Dad and I were a team and that I would not play that game.

I will say that I have learned, over the years, that if you want a spouse to be open and honest, you must watch your reaction to what they tell you. When I was having MIL problems and FBD would come home from visiting her, I would question him about what she said, what she did, ad nauseum and when he gave me the answers I was looking for, I would criticize or pull a "see that is what drives me crazy about her". Well, the truth was, it did not drive him crazy and what WAS driving him crazy was me being critical and pulling apart every thing she said to try and tell him what "she really means". When I realized that he was a big boy and had a right to think what ever he wanted about what she said and did not need my "take" on things.

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That was a rule in our house, never ask me to NOT tell your Dad something, I explained to them, more than once in their teenage years, that their Dad and I were a team and that I would not play that game.

My parents had that rule too.

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I would never say anything to my kids that I felt strongly that DILs did not know, just as they know not to say anything to me they do not want FBD to know. That was a rule in our house, never ask me to NOT tell your Dad something, I explained to them, more than once in their teenage years, that their Dad and I were a team and that I would not play that game.

I will say that I have learned, over the years, that if you want a spouse to be open and honest, you must watch your reaction to what they tell you. When I was having MIL problems and FBD would come home from visiting her, I would question him about what she said, what she did, ad nauseum and when he gave me the answers I was looking for, I would criticize or pull a "see that is what drives me crazy about her". Well, the truth was, it did not drive him crazy and what WAS driving him crazy was me being critical and pulling apart every thing she said to try and tell him what "she really means". When I realized that he was a big boy and had a right to think what ever he wanted about what she said and did not need my "take" on things.

My parents had that rule too.

Mine three.

I was reminded by this about a time way before Faramir and I were married when I found out a "family secret" from his sister rather than from him. I was not happy because it was definitely one of those things that a young woman "needs to know" about someone she is going to be around. I understood his embarrassment, though, and we weren't married yet. If I found out about it, say, after we had a daughter? I'd be furious.

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I do not tell my DH everything. Some pieces of information are not mine to share. Example: I'm very close with my SIL (we are married to brothers), just recently her dad has been having a hard time - he has a degenerative disease and he was experiencing new symptoms and was admitted to the hospital. She told me he was having hallucinations, but that she didn't really want to share that info with everyone. There is no need for me to tell my husband about my SIL's dad's specific medical issues, it has no relevance to his life, so why would I share that with him? It's really not my information to share. So I mentioned to my husband that SIL's dad was in the hospital but didn't give a lot of specifics...again, not my news to share. I do not consider this in any way to be keeping a secret from my husband. I'm simply not sharing information I was asked not to share. If I had, honestly it would feel like gossip.

As for what your husband did, the biggest problem I see is him mentioning it at all if he wasn't going to tell you, that's just rude and crappy. Let's say, BIL was threatening his mom and FIL decked him. I think it's alright for FIL to share that with your DH and he choose not to tell you about it. It doesn't directly affect your DH or you and unless it needs to become a safety concern for anyone in your immediate family, I think it's alright for him not to tell you.

That said, I'm not sure about how I feel about FIL telling DH but asking to keep it from you. Whenever I tell my SIL something, I know that there is a possibility that she may tell her husband and I can live with that. Personally, I may hope she doesn't, but I would never specifically ask her not to tell him, just as my SIL doesn't specifically say, "Please don't tell your husband", instead she says "I don't really want everyone to know this". So it's up to my discretion what I tell my husband, but if I'm going to tell him something sensitive, that isn't really my place to share, well then, I'm going to make it SUPER clear to him that he CANNOT share this information with his parents or brothers. I almost think of it as circles. Anything sensitive that I tell a married person, I assume they *may* tell their spouse, but I expect the spouse to never share or act on that information. If you only know information because of spousal privilege, then you are betraying that marital bond by sharing it, in my opinion.

But yeah, your husband should've kept his mouth shut if he didn't plan on telling you about it.

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Out of curiosity, who gave BIL the black eye? Your MIL? Given what you’ve told us, I would not be surprised.

I think you are justified to be super annoyed with your DH (and FIL) for being shut out of this information. I think it would be one thing if FIL confiding in DH about something that truly had no effect on you, i.e. “DS, I’ve started having issue with urinary incontinence, and I have to wear Depends, and am so self-conscience, please do not tell anyone” vs. an incident like this in which probably everyone except you is aware of what happened, (How is that a secret?). I also don’t like that your DH dangled this “secret” in your face then shut you down when you asked for more info. Your DuH is aware of legitimate concerns you have about abuse in his FOO, and he is showing here how dismissive he is about it.

To answer your question, in general, I do not keep secrets from DH. However, I have held sensitive information involving a close friend or a sister, etc. in confidence, as it had no effect on DH, and it would embarass my sister, etc. if DH found out. I think DH has done the same thing with me.

If I were you, I would seriously consider limiting the time that you and DD interact with DH’s FOO.

It appears to be such an unhealthy dynamic for you. Unfortunately, your DuH is also a player in this unhealthy dynamic. Take care of you and your DD!

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DH and I do not keep secrets from each other. If someone told me that they had something to tell me but not to tell DH I would tell them not to tell me because I can't make that promise.

Like a PP said, your DH is still putting his FOO ahead of you and you two need to get to counseling stat!

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the problem is that there clearly is some kind of drug use issue with your BIL whether it be alcohol or drugs. It matters not. No child should be subjected to it. It doesn't matter if you don't allow you BIL to watch her baby. You and your baby could just be in vicinity and get physically hurt by your BIL while he's under the influence. Your DH should be telling you exactly what happened for no other reason to set you mind at ease. He's in the wrong here and apparently isn't very supportive or understanding of the needs of his child or wife.

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