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dareaton@yahoo.com

Daughter's Death

8 posts in this topic

Hi Everyone, I have helped raise my youngest daughter's 3 children, although most of the time her daughter age 10 was usually with her or at her dad's, but her 2 son's aged 13 and 16 have lived with my husband and I sense they were born, they would spend time with their mom and she took care of dealing with their school's, Dr. appt's and the dentist, entertained them and took them places when she wasn't working, she loved them dearly as they did her but she had alot of emotional issues including being bi-polar and struggling with migranes. Some times she lived with us with the children while other times she'd be living with her on and off boyfriend but everything wasn't put on us until she died unexpectedly this past Dec. 27th in a car crash, she was 35 yrs old and our entire world has changed. We are grieving horribly over losing our beloved daughter and now having to do everything for her children that she once did while they grieve and try to continue without their mom. It's been so very hard. My husband work's alot and I have alot of health problem's which leaves me feeling exhausted and not feeling well in general. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. Are their other's out there who are raising grandchildren because they have lost a child to death? If so maybe you can offer some copeing skill's or advise, or just an ear as you know what losing and burying a child is like. A parent's worse nightmare. I am 57 and my husband is 62 and life is especially hard right now.

Sincerely,
Darlene

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I have not lost my daughters but I am sorry for all the pain that you are feeling right now.  I am raising my granddaughters and do understand the tiredness that comes from giving your all to them.  I am 58 and my husband is 65. You have so much more than tiredness. You are grieving, having health problems and helping the kids deal with the loss of their mother and having to deal with all of this mostly by yourself since your husband works.  This is a lot to deal with.  I know you are struggling.   I am so sorry for the loss and grief that you are feeling right now. I hope there will be someone who will post here that has been in your circumstances.  I wish I had some advice but I don't.  Know that I do care.  If you have a faith in God this will help.  I have relied on God for strength when I didn't feel I had any and he gave me just what I needed. 

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I am so sorry for your pain, your grandchildren are lucky to have you even if you feel you are not able to give them 100%.  I hope you find peace.

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Welcome Darlene! My deepest condolences to you and your DH (dear husband) on the loss of your DD (dear daughter). Though, no, I haven't lost a DD or DS, myself, I remember when my father lost his oldest son (from his first marriage) and how much pain and sorrow it caused him. While every loss is painful, some are expected - no one expects to outlive their children and so, I know that grief cuts especially deep.

 

My heart goes out, also, to those dear GC (grandchildren) for the loss of their mom. As Hopelessly says, they are "lucky to have you" and DH! Bless you for being there for them and for having been there for them and their mom, all this time!

 

Still, I understand that it's very hard for you to have to deal with their grief and your own, not to mention the extra work and your unfortunate health problems! My heart is heavy for your sake, as I think of it all. Sending you many virtual hugs!

 

As Cobalt says, "if you have faith in God this will help." But whether you do or not, have you considered grief counseling for either you or the GC? IMO, you would all benefit and the kids may need ongoing therapy to help them cope with growing up w/o their mom, as much as you and DH try to do for them.

 

If it's any help, you are definitely not  alone, Besides Cobalt, there are many others who frequent this group who are raising or helping to raise their GC, often b/c of mental problems, on the part of their AC (adult child). And in a few cases, sadly, b/c an AC has passed away. I hope that one or more of them are reading this and come in to talk to you. Meanwhile, also if it's any comfort, most of the GPs in this group find ourselves getting very tired though I realize your health issues probably add to the problem.

 

Considering your GC's ages, though, soon enough, you'll have to do much less for them. I know that may not make it any easier, right now, but, for the 2nd time tonight, I'm quoting one of my favorite sayings to someone, "This too shall pass."

 

So glad you brought your concerns to us!  My thoughts and prayers (if that's ok) are with you and yours...

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dareaton

 

I am a grandma of soon to be 14 yr old twins, adopted after their mom passed away at age 33. We have much in common, as both my husband and I have health problems. I am 60, he is 64. We have 3 daughters, the eldest passed in her sleep.  My second daughter lives across  the country, married with children. Third daughter is in college and will be for a very long time.(pre-med). I'm not sure how good I am at advice, I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Depression and anxiety are normal feelings after what you have been through. Some things that make me feel better are getting outside, .sunshine and mother nature. The kids went to a special camp for children who had lost a loved one. That was helpful. They say just taking a walk can increase the feel good hormones. When ever you feel stuck, posting on here can give you support and helpful ideas. Hang in there.

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@ crazy - So sorry you're still in the process of having to "figure it out" but I guess that's par for the course in these situations. How kind of you to reach out and share your experience with someone else in the same circumstances. Also, I'm glad to hear that you find it helpful to post here and I hope that darea will, too.

 

@ dareaton - I see you haven't been back in,for a while, but I hope you come back in soon. If and when you do, you'll see that you have a lot of support here.

 

Meanwhile, is that your actual email addy you're using as a screen name? If so, you might want to alter it a little - or a lot  - for privacy reasons. If you do, you can take care of that in one of two ways: 1. Click on the website title, above, then your username at the top-right of that page and then change username where shown; 2. Click here - http://www.grandparents.com/profile and change your username.

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dareaton,

A few years ago I went for counseling.  It helped me tremendously. The counselor made me think and work through all the problems I was dealing with.  I hope you will be able to find a solution to help you deal with all that is going on in your life.  Let us know how things are going for you. 

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dareaton:


I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear DD. I too had a DD killed and it as you know, a pain like no other.

 

I went to 3 yrs of heavy duty therapy, also Crime Victims therapy bec. she was killed by someone else, so Pa. has a class for us, and I go to a Group Nation Wide Compassionat Friends.

 

You shd look into the last group as it is a life saver. It has only parents of deceased children so we all have the same thing in common, and we're not afraid to talk about our children, cry about them and maybe at some point laugh about them. You'll find after everyone is tired of hearing about your grief, this is the place to go to, to be able to keep your child alive in your hearts in many ways. It teaches you how to handle the different ways different family members grieve, esp. men, and all the hurtful things people say that they don't even realize are hurtful but they think are helpful.

 

I too am helping raise a Gr-son from 19 mos. bec our DD's BF is a low life and it's very hard in many ways, it just breaks your heart. Feel free to ask me any questions you like, and pls ck out Compassionate Friends they really are a GOD send. 

 

BUT, Most of all DO NOT let anyone tell you how long or when you should be over your grief.   Your NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER over it, but thru the yrs your learn how to work thru it.

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